7 Days
by twriter12
Summary: AU. It's been almost a year since the survivors arrived in Alexandria. In safety and comfort, Rick starts a new life with Michonne. That happiness is threatened when Rick awakes from an injury and doesn't remember his new life.
1. Prologue: What We've Known All Along

_**Author's Note: So I did this thing I said I would not do - write a full length story. I plan on 2018 being a life changing year, which means putting in a lot of hard work in 2017. Hopefully, that means you won't see me posting much fan fiction. I hope to close the Richonne Collection before the new year, so if you have any one shot ideas, let me know.**_

 _ **The first half of this story has a lot of Lori in the present day which hopefully I made up for with numerous flashbacks. I'm one of those writers who loves all her characters so as far as I'm concerned there are no bad people just some ill-advised decisions by a few. However, I'm aware a writer does not get to choose how a reader interprets her words.**_

 _ **Here we go...**_

* * *

 **Prologue: What We've Known All Along  
** **Lori**

It was the middle of the day and Carl was in school. That's why he decided to do this at the moment. To minimize the drama. To ensure the one person who could make him doubt his decision was nowhere around. Rick always thought ahead. Always had a plan. He was on the tenth play before you even knew the game started. It was how he always made her look like the bad guy, even in her own eyes. How long had he been planning this? Planning to walk out on her and their marriage? It was probably weeks in the making and she wasn't any the wiser.

"I don't understand why you're doing this," Lori said as she watched Rick emptying drawers. One moment she was making them lunch and knocked on his bedroom door to ask if he wanted a sandwich too and the next she was blindsided by her husband leaving her. They had lost the ability to communicate with one another on a daily basis. There had been a time when even she had a lot of anger for him but she let that go. He never could. His animosity turned to hate and eventually indifference.

"What made you do this now?"

They lived in the same home but they didn't share the same bedroom so she didn't understand his need to leave. Lori and the kids had rooms upstairs. She and Judith had the master bedroom and Carl has his own bedroom. Despite their friend's initial and constant refusal, Rick gave Carol the third upstairs bedroom. It would have been best for them to all be upstairs as a family. But he made sure their distance wasn't just emotional, it was physical as well. He took the downstairs bedroom. Now he was telling her that wasn't enough, he needed to be farther away from her.

She filled the silence since he refused to speak. "We've been working on it."

She looked around his bedroom; it was sparse. There was a bed and a dresser. His things: boots, holster, and tools were strewn about. The few decorations on the wall were already there when they moved in and were no representation of him. She hoped subconsciously he didn't decorate so there would be less to move up to her bedroom when the time came for them to live as husband and wife in all ways. She hoped the bedroom situation would be a temporary thing. Her prayers weren't answered.

He kept moving and didn't bother to look at her. That was par for the course. Very few times he acknowledged her presence. "We haven't been working on anything."

That was true. She was doing all the work, carrying the burden of thinking there could once again be a them. He didn't. She was the one who insisted they eat dinner as a family as much as possible. She did his laundry, threw him a surprise birthday party, and got Aaron to take a family portrait that sat on the fireplace mantle. On the other hand, he seemed to be just as restless as when he first found them outside of Atlanta. Always work to be done. Always somewhere to go. Some reason to not be home. Suddenly remembering something that made him leave a room just as she entered it.

"We're getting better."

He opened his suitcase. "We're not getting better. We just don't fight anymore."

She resisted the urge to pack his suitcase for him as he stuffed his clothes half folded. After all, he was leaving her; there was no way she was going to help him do so. In all their married years he never packed a suitcase. For family vacations and his infrequent trips for law enforcement training conventions she always made sure he was packed and had everything he needed.

"Why end now? Now that we've found a home to catch our breath we can work things out."

"Lori, it's been eight months. That's how long we've been in Alexandria." He sighed. "We've had a lot of breaths. There's nothing to work out. There's nothing left to save."

He didn't care enough to fight for her. Fight for them. She knew that. She saw a change in him after he settled down in this new life. She hoped that change could lead to something better. She assumed a break after the torture of being on the road would allow them to decompress and then start on rebuilding their love for one another. After all, they had been through hell due to danger and the strain in their relationship. Trying to put a severely damaged marriage together when you still woke up in a sweat from nightmares of being eaten alive wasn't good head space.

But he was right. It had been close to a year and still nothing. "This is about Shane. You're never going to let me get past that. You're always throwing it in my face."

"I never mention that." He spoke so nonchalantly and that made it hurt even more.

"You don't have to because your silence is screaming out loud and clear. I'm sorry." She stepped into the room. Closer to him. "I'm sorry for being a shitty wife. How many times can I say it? I know it's not 1,000 because I've said it that many times. What will it take? A million?" Her voice became louder and she hated herself for the desperation she heard, that surely he heard, but she couldn't help it. Her pride was gone. Gone when he didn't talk to her, didn't sleep with her, when he once introduced her as Carl and Judith's mother.

"Don't blame me for this." He looked up at her and there was fire in his eyes. "All I did was get shot in the line of duty. You screwed my best friend not even two months after you thought I was dead. My boy was still crying his eyes out for me at night while you were sneaking off in the bushes with your pants around your ankles."

That hit hard; from the words to the tone used to spew them and the looks of disgusts directed at her. Since they arrived in Alexandria it was the most emotion he dared to have toward her. As much as it stung maybe it meant something. Could it mean he cared enough to get emotional over his wife being with someone else? She was desperate for anything. Usually he let her know just what he felt for her by ignoring her.

Typical of Rick, seconds after saying something so harsh the look of shame and guilt consumed him so much she found herself feeling bad for the berating he was giving himself. She could feel the shame radiating off of him.

He held up his hands in surrender and stared down. "I'm, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I don't blame you for being with him. I really don't."

And she believed that because he always sounded sincere when he said it but still there was something.

"Children need their father." She wiped her eyes of the tears that came out of nowhere then shoved her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. "Especially a boy. Carl needs his father. And a little girl. A girl needs her..."

He stared at her. Waiting on her to say more. And just that fast she walked into the ever-present trap of Shane and her infidelity. It was like one of those garden mazes she could never make it out of; she always hit a dead end.

"She needs an example of a good man. Judith needs _you_." Her voice was small.

"I'm still here for my children, both of my children. I'm a minute away. They'll always have me."

"Just not me. I can't have you."

"What do you want me to say Lori? We're not running. Life is calm. There's no need for this...this charade anymore," he said as he waved his arms around gesturing at the room. "Not when there's a chance for more." He looked at her. "Don't you want more?"

"I want more with you. More for us, together. Rick, we've never even tried to make this work. We're a family and we don't even like it."

But they stopped being a family after he killed Shane. The more her belly grew, the more distant he became. The less he said to her. They passed along messages between Carol and Hershel. For a while, when they were bouncing from houses to stores to storage facilities, Carl slept near her. Rick was always on watch so he never had to lie down beside her at night or, to be more realistic, why she didn't have to make excuses for why her husband didn't want to be near her. As time went on, Carl became more like his father and even he kept his distance from her. It was a misery-filled pregnancy that she shared with Carol and Hershel more than her son and husband.

He looked at her, mouth open and ready to speak. But she wasn't even worth anymore words. He simply shook his head and went back to his job of leaving. The two suitcases were packed. She remember those suitcases. They found them at the storage units and used the set to carry their belongings. She insisted though Carl and Rick were annoyed with her because they did a lot of the pulling, which they found to be a burden and could keep them from protecting the group, while she carried Judith.

"I'll be back to get the few things that are left." He placed the suitcases on the floor and stripped the bed, tossing the sheets in the blue plastic hamper in the corner.

"Where are you going?"

He sighed. "I'm not moving out of the state. I'll still be here in Alexandria."

"But where? I should know that. We have kids, Rick."

"I'm moving into one of the brownstones."

She nodded her head once she figured it out and it didn't take long. "You're going to her. You're going to live with her. Finally admitting it." She shook her head and turned her back to him. The pain was more than she could handle at the moment and it would hurt that much deeper to see him respond to her pain with nothing more than a blank stare. She held her head down and stared at the tear that splattered on her boot.

"No, I'm just finally doing something about it. Something I should have done a while ago." He grabbed the suitcases and walked past her and out of the bedroom.

She followed behind him. She wasn't sure how because her legs, like the rest of her, were numb. But somehow she put one foot in front of the other. "Do you feel comfortable walking out on your wife and your children without even trying to make it work? Because you haven't you know? You haven't tried to make it work. I could understand if we tried and failed, but not once have you tried. You didn't fight for me...for us. If you didn't want me then why'd you kill Shane over me?"

He turned around. "I killed Shane because he was going to kill me. There were no romantic notions behind it." He seemed to soften when he saw her face. "Look, when we were on the farm and even after we lost the farm I had every intention of us being a family. My son, my wife, my unborn child...that's what drove me. I wasn't the one who pulled away first. There's too much water under the bridge. I will be back later to talk to Carl."

Once he walked out the door she sat on the couch and the tears flowed. She heard footsteps coming down the stairs. She wasn't ready to face the reality of being dumped, not even to Carol, and that's what she would have to do when she said it. As people found out it would be real. She never wanted this to be real.

"Judith woke up but I got her back to sleep." She sat next to Lori.

Lori looked away, not wanting Carol to see her cry but there was no hiding it. She was sobbing now. The pain was too much to remain silent and trapped inside.

"Lori, what's wrong?"

She felt Carol's hand on her shoulder. "Is it Carl?"

"No, Rick."

"What about him? Is he okay?"

"Rick, he left me. He's gone. Packed his stuff and he just left. Moved out."

"You'll get through this with time." There wasn't the hint of surprise in her voice.

She turned and looked at Carol. It wasn't surprising to Carol because she had a front row seat to their sham of a marriage. Like everyone else in their group, she saw the lack of a connection between Rick and Lori.

"No, because he's leaving me for her. God," she cried as she looked up to the ceiling. "Why couldn't it have been anyone but her? I could handle anyone but her. And to do that here? In my face? In front of everyone. So everyone can see them together. I just think that's so cruel."

"Would you like it better if they moved to another community? To Hilltop or Kingdom or Salem?"

There was no need to specify who they were talking about because she and Carol had numerous conversations about both Rick and Carl's closeness to Michonne. Carol assured her Carl was simply impressed by that crazy sword but even she had no explanation for Rick's connection with her. Anyone who saw them together knew there was something there. It wasn't like when he interacted with Carol, Maggie, Andrea, or even Rosita. When Lori saw him with those women she saw family. When she saw him with Michonne she saw another woman. And Rick just validated she had every right in feeling that way.

"I couldn't wish that on Carl or Judith. They love him. They need to see him every day." She turned around and sat back against the couch. She wiped her eyes. "I can't put my feelings before my babies." Her children were why she wanted her marriage to work as well. "Besides, Rick would never leave them. But me, that's a different story. I'm alone. I'm all alone."

"You're not alone. You have Carl and Judith. You have friends. You have me. You were there for me and I'll always be there for you."

They had all been through hell together but Lori and Carol particularly leaned on each other. Lori was there each time Carol broke down over Sophia and then again over Mika and Lizzie. Carol assisted Hershel in delivering Judith. She got up throughout the night right along with Lori when Judith was first born. They survived the loss of the farm, the prison, and that sanctuary that never was. Carol was her best friend.

She thought about divorce before Rick was shot but never as an option for them. She simply wondered of the possibility. She never thought that once they reunited outside of Atlanta they would be no more. One thing was for sure, she would never stop loving her husband. She would never stop wanting him back.


	2. Chapter 1: Back for the First Time

_**A/N: Thanks for giving this story a chance. I'm not even sure what to say about this chapter. Don't hate me. Just remember my Richonne love is real.**_

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Back for the First Time  
** **Rick  
Monday**

The pounding in his head felt like someone was using a jackhammer on a slab of concrete. The last time he could recall his head feeling like this was when he got drunk with a bunch of his classmates after they passed the Basic Jail Officer's Training course. He woke up on his front lawn in his boxers and half his head shaved and it was the last time he touched 80-proof tequila. He could count on one hand how many times he'd been drunk in his life because he didn't allow himself to lose control. It wasn't a good feeling and oftentimes he was needed as the level head in whatever group he was apart of. Control meant everything to him and with the guidance of his father and grandfather, made him the man he grew up to be.

He had been in a long sleep and could hear the voices in the distance telling him that he would be okay, that he needed to keep fighting, that they would be there when he woke up. He heard all those declarations of love for what seemed like a long time. It felt like he was listening to his own eulogy. Even though he answered them they kept saying the same things as if they couldn't hear his responses. He was screaming out to them but no one heard him.

And then he finally opened his eyes. The lights above were off but there was a lamp emitting a soft glow next to his bed on the nightstand which also had a vase of flowers and a bible. Unlike the flowers when he woke up calling for Shane, these were alive and full of color: purple, pink, and white. And then he remembered what happened after he woke up and called for Shane. He remembered being in a deserted hospital. No lights, no phones. No bodies, at least not living breathing ones. And he remembered those groaning sounds behind a chained set of doors as he walked down the hallway that seemed like an elaborate haunted house.

There were bodies covered in white sheets like he was on the set of some contagion movie and he expected to see men walking around in yellow hazmat suits. Walking through she streets of his town seeing nothing but destruction and death was a nightmare. The place he'd grown up and lived all of life was nothing more than a ghost town with cars in the middle of the road, lawns unkempt, and store front windows broken. When he arrived at his home, door open and belongings strewn about, silent and still, he tried to slap himself back to reality. It was different than how it was when he was there with his family. There was no sign of his wife or his son and no matter how many times he called out to them they didn't appear.

"Carl." He snatched the tubes from his nose. "Carl," he screamed louder. He continued to scream his son's name but he never appeared or even answered. He couldn't handle losing his son again. The idea of him being out there, somewhere, and not knowing where and not being able to get to him, see him, or touch him.

He looked at his surroundings. He was in what appeared to be a bedroom. To his right was a window. It was daylight outside. It appeared to be a nice day. He could see a blue sky and plenty of clouds through the open blinds. To his left was another twin bed and the door. There were a couple of chairs and two dressers. Above the empty bed was the letter B painted in black. He looked at the wall over his own bed and it had the letter A.

None of it made sense. He felt so disoriented he felt like he was in another world. Had he lost his family again? Waking up in a room alone was horrible déjà vu. He sat up on the side of the bed and swung his bare feet onto the wooden floor. It took him a couple of failed attempts before he managed to make it to his feet but not before knocking over the vase of flowers sending them to the floor with a loud crash.

He heard the sounds of people and footsteps then seconds later the door opened and a young woman with glasses rushed in and stood near his bed just a few feet from him. He backed away as far as he could until his back was against the wall. She didn't appear to have a weapon and there was someone coming up behind her; he was outnumbered. He searched for something to use to defend himself. He glanced out the window. He was on the second floor but he could manage to make that jump without breaking anything as long as he was careful.

"Rick, it's okay."

He knew that voice. That gentle, sweet southern voice that was like the sound of serenity. Her face appeared from behind the other woman and he realized it was Maggie.

"Maggie? What are you doing with her? Who is she?"

"Rick. Yes, it's me," she said as she walked over and stood next to him with her hand on his shoulder in an attempt to calm him down. "Relax. Everything is okay. Why don't you get back in bed?"

"No, I need to find my family. Carl-"

"Carl is fine; he's in school and Judith is probably at daycare."

"School? Daycare?" He turned and looked out the window. He saw houses and people walking down a sidewalk. There was even a woman walking a dog on a leash. "This is a neighborhood? Where are we? Is the world normal again?" He turned and looked in Maggie's eyes desperate for her to confirm his hope. Could it be over? Did they put the world back? Jenner said there was no cure but hope was all he had, all that kept one foot in front of the other, all that made it possible to see another day.

"No, it's still the same."

"Why are we here? We need to get back to the prison."

Her face fell. "Rick, the prison is gone. We lost it a long time ago."

"I think I should check him out." The other woman moved closer to him.

He looked over at the stranger. "Who are you?"

"I'm Denise. The doctor."

The doctor? They hadn't had a doctor since they lost Dr. S. "Were you at the prison?"

"No."

"She took care of you while you were hurt." Maggie gently took hold of his arm. "Come on. Let's get you back in bed. Watch out for the glass."

"I'm...I'm sorry about that." He took slow, unsteady steps back to the bed.

"Don't worry about that. I'll take care of that." She pulled the sheet over his legs.

From the moment he saw her he knew Maggie was special. She was what it meant to be good and kind. It was why he didn't hesitate to tell Glenn to jump head first into a relationship with her. If there was anyone as genuine and pure as Glenn it was Maggie.

The sound of someone coming up the stairs made his heart race again. He searched the room for something, still not seeing anything to use as a weapon other than the lamp. Being unprepared was not who he was.

"That's daddy," Maggie said as she carefully picked up the pieces of glass and tossed them in the wastebasket by his bed.

"Hershel?"

"That's me," the old man said. He walked pretty fast and with no assistance from a crutch or cane and stood next to the bed.

"You're getting around pretty good."

He looked down at the mess on the floor Maggie was now cleaning with a towel. "Looks like I'm moving around better than you. You just need a bit of rest." He handed Rick a bottle of water.

He shook his head. "I need to see Carl."

"Maggie will go get him." He looked at his daughter with a nod. "Mags."

"Okay, daddy." She placed her hand on Rick's leg and gave it a squeeze before leaving. "I'll be right back with Carl."

"Let Denise have a look at you. She's a doctor. She knows what she's doing. You're safe here." Hershel gave Denise a nod.

"Thank you, Maggie," he said to her as she walked out. He turned his gaze to Hershel. "What happened? For a minute it was like when I woke up back home alone in a hospital. Was I bit? Shot again?" He surveyed his body. He had all his limbs. There were no bandages on him. Physically he felt fine. He just felt out of sorts, a bit confused.

"No. You fell and hit your head. You've been out for three days," Denise said as she shined a small light in his eyes. "You don't remember?"

He remained silent as he tried to make sense of that. He didn't remember falling. He was unconscious for three days? "How did I fall?"

Hershel stood at the foot of the bed. "You were out with Daryl on a run. You were being chased by walkers. You slipped and fell; hit your head on a large rock, knocked you out. Daryl carried you more than half a mile on a severely twisted ankle."

He trusted Daryl with his life and that wasn't just some saying because once again Daryl came through and saved his ass according to Hershel. He and Daryl made a great team back at the prison. They came a long way since their first meeting when they wanted to kill each other over Merle. He recalled the prison fights with The Governor and Daryl finding Merle and having to put him down. Daryl had lost just as much as anyone but he gained a lot, like trust and respect, by having Rick's back.

"Maggie said we lost the prison."

"You don't remember?" Hershel frowned.

He shook his head.

"Do you remember defeating The Governor and making a life at the prison?"

"Yes. You taught me how to be a farmer. We had a garden. Pigs. Horses. It was secure. Things were good. Better than they'd been in a long time."

Hershel taught him more than about farming. He was a godsend who helped him steer his boy on the right path when all seemed lost, when he himself was lost and didn't realize Carl needed the guidance that only he, his father, could provide. He was Rick's sounding board from the time his group arrived on his farm on everything from Shane to his family to how to deal with the pains of surviving.

"And after that?"

Rick thought for a moment of all the memories that quickly flashed in his mind. It felt like yesterday when they found the prison. He remembered Michonne's arrival. He remembered Andrea reuniting with the group and the others they brought in. He remembered the sickness that ran through the prison. But after that, nothing. He closed his eyes and tried hard to remember something. He looked up at Hershel and shook his head.

"The Governor showed up again with a tank and a new crew. Destroyed the walls and the prison. We had to run. Leave it all behind."

The idea of losing what they built seemed almost foreign. It had been so long since they struggled with outside forces. They took in The Governor's people from Woodbury. They brought back people from their runs. It was becoming a real community, even if it was at a prison.

"Did we lose anyone?"

"A few people. They were from Woodbury and other places."

"But our people are safe?"

"We lost some since the prison. Tyreese and Bob." He held his head down. "Beth."

"Hershel, I'm so sorry." He wanted to know how but that would be too morbid. He could find that out from anyone without making Hershel relive his daughter's death.

"Life is precious. We gained a few while we were out there, too. Abraham, Tara, Rosita, Eugene, and Father Gabriel."

They worked so hard to make that prison a home. They were safe. They were well-fed. It was a win for them after a string of so many losses. To lose it all was the harsh reality of this world. They took a step forward and always two back until the prison. They thought they finally had something. Something that resembled life. But this life, which was more like a nightmare, never stopped taking. To lose it all to The Governor made it worse. He wished he had killed him. Went out on runs with Michonne. He should have known The Governor would always harbor the need to exact revenge.

"Where is everyone?"

"Abraham runs the construction crew. They're building a greenhouse and a few other things. Maggie works with Deanna. She's the woman who was over this place. She was a U.S. Senator from Ohio."

"What does Daryl do?"

"Goes out on runs with Ben; they go out recruiting and looking for more people."

"Glenn?"

"Runs. What he's good at." Hershel smiled.

"Michonne?"

"I guess you'd call her a diplomat. She's out now at a council meeting with the other communities. We were expecting her yesterday but sometimes they stay an extra day. We didn't get phone service while you were out but that would be nice. Maybe you can work on that now that you're off vacation."

Hershel looked as if he would say more until they heard a commotion downstairs.

"Dad? Dad?"

He barely saw his son, just a flash of long hair before he was wrapped in his arms. "Dad. I'm so glad you're awake. I love you," he whispered in his ear.

"I love you too, son." He groaned a bit.

Carl pulled away. "Sorry. Are you hurt?"

"Just a little groggy and a bit sore but I'm alright. What happened to your eye?"

Carl frowned? "Are you serious?" He looked over at Hershel.

"Your father can't remember losing the prison or anything that happened after that, including what happened to your eye."

Carl looked back at his dad. "I was shot...again. In the face this time."

Rick couldn't hide the horror he knew his son saw on his face.

"I survived but not my eye. But I'm okay." He shrugged.

"Carl." He didn't know what to say.

"I've already worked through it." He shrugged.

And he didn't want to do it again. "Okay." He bit his bottom lip for a moment. "Look at you. You're so big." His son was more like a man than a child. "And you need a haircut."

"Dad, it's only been three days." He laughed then abruptly stopped. "An entire year. You don't remember Terminus? And Father Gabriel? And that night in the barn and when Aaron found us?"

He shook his head.

"Do you know we're in Virginia now?"

He looked around the room. "Virginia? Why did we leave Georgia?"

"Long story. I'll tell you later," Carl said.

"Well, he's not leaving so you've got time," Denise said.

"I feel okay."

"You stumbled to stay on your feet."

"I've been lying down for three days. Doesn't mean anything." He grumbled. He hated being sick before the world went to shit and he had even less interest in lying in bed now, especially when he didn't know his surroundings. He needed to see the layout of this new place, look for weak points, see what supplies they needed. See who was around his family.

"You seem to have a touch of amnesia. I'd say that means something. One more day and then we'll see about you going home. I'm going to make my rounds."

"Your rounds?"

"We have a few other patients. Two others. Nothing as serious as you."

"What is this place?"

"You're in the infirmary. A house," she said with a nod and roll of her eyes, "But we made it the infirmary. Three bedrooms up here. Six beds. Space downstairs for two more patients if necessary. And I sleep in the bedroom downstairs. I'll check on you in a couple of hours." She walked out of the room.

"We'll give you two some time." Hershel followed Maggie out of the bedroom and closed the door behind him.

"How many people live at this place?"

"About sixty."

"Sixty?" This place had to be big, spread out, even more reason for him to get out of this bed.

"Yeah, soon to be one more. My teacher, Ms. Qari, she's pregnant."

"How are these people?"

"They're all nice. They were clueless. Been living behind these walls from the beginning and didn't know how to fight but we taught them." Carl smiled. "Thanks to you."

"No threats in here?"

"No." He shrugged. "A few trouble makers who didn't want to make changes but they fell in line."

"So you're in school?"

Carl grunted. "Yeah. I'm glad you woke up. Got me out of Trigonometry. I don't know how that's going to help me." He rolled his eyes.

Rick did remember enough to know this wasn't the little kid back in the day who loved math and science and dreamed of being an astronaut.

"School? Babies? Tell me more about this place."

As Carl told him about the walls, homes with running water, food cooked on stoves and in ovens, and washing machines it felt even more bizarre than waking up to dead people walking around. He became use to the dead. Did he get used to once again being around the living? Being in this place? In a civilized way?

"Rick, oh my God. I'm so glad you're okay." Lori walked into his room with a baby in her arms. "Maggie told me you woke up and I went to get Judith and came right over." She sat in the chair Carl vacated for her and let out a long sigh of relief. "Thank God."

"Is...is that Judith?"

"Yes. You want to hold her?"

He nodded and immediately kissed her head and held her close once she was in his arms. "Wow, she's gotten so big. And she looks just like you," he said and looked over at Carl.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really."

"You said that when she was first born too."

"It was true then and it's true now." He looked over at Lori. "Do we still have the family photo albums?"

"Yep," she said with a nod. "I look through them almost every day. I'll bring them to you. Maybe it'll jog your memory. Maggie said something about amnesia."

"Not unless there are pictures from the last year. That's what I don't remember. Carl was telling me a little bit. About this place...Alexandria and the people."

She had a sad smile on her face and he knew that somehow he was responsible for that. She held her head down and softly spoke. "What else did he tell you?"

"Carl, take Judith downstairs so your mom and I can talk."

Carl frowned slightly but he didn't hesitate. After all this time of not talking to Lori, it was probably strange to him that Rick wanted to be alone with Lori. That he wanted to talk to her. He had enough of his memory to remember not communicating with her for quite some time. They moved in their own circles back at the prison. Was it the same here? There was no reason to believe otherwise.

Once they no longer heard his footsteps they looked at each other.

"Rick?" She leaned forward in the chair. "What is it? What do you need?"

"How have you been?"

"I've been worried sick about you. Carl has been thinking the worst, that you wouldn't wake up."

"Other than that. You. Are you okay?"

"I don't know what you mean," she said in a voice so faint it could only be heard in a room silenced by the weight of a lot of hurt.

"Why don't you fill me in on the stuff Carl didn't mention."

"Like what?"

"I have a feeling you and I are still not okay. And I have a feeling that's my fault."

She shrugged. "It was your decision. I didn't like it. But I didn't have a choice."

"Don't hate me."

"I don't hate you. I love you. I just don't like you." She gave him a small smile.

He smiled too. It was a joke they always said when they were younger and had an argument that they actually tried to resolve. In their later years they didn't bother to fix things, they just moved on once the anger subsided, pretending it didn't happen.

"I don't remember losing the prison or anything after that. I don't remember finding this place. I don't remember living here."

"You don't remember anything about our lives here?" She frowned.

"No. But I remember a lot of things before."

"I don't know how to make that right. I don't know if I ever can. But I want you to know that if I could I would. I'd do anything to make up for it." She ran her hand up and down her thighs.

"Anything?"

"Anything."

"Give me another chance."

She looked up at him, eyes wide with wonder. "What?"

This was the woman he fell in love with all those years ago. She was the girl who loved the $2.00 stuffed animal he won her at the carnival as if it actually cost the fifty bucks it cost him to win it for her. She was the one who told him they were having a baby by cooking a themed meal of baby back ribs, baby potatoes, baby corn and for dessert, a pink and a blue cupcake. She was the wife and mother who tried to make pancakes each Sunday because she wanted them to be the kind of family that created their own traditions. The woman who insisted they drive Carl around during the Christmas holiday to see the lights and decorations. The woman who, after all this time of pushing her away and being cold even when he didn't want to, didn't hesitate to come to his bedside when he needed her.

"I know we've had a hard time," he said as he placed his hand against her cheek. "I know a lot of it was my fault."

She shook her head. "No. It was all my fault. I crossed a line that I never should have crossed even if you were dead."

So many times he conveyed the same to her but they never got anywhere because she insisted that thinking he was dead made her decision understandable and acceptable. In his mind, she never acknowledged his hurt no matter how her time with Shane came about; she stayed in defense mode instead of thinking of how it affected him. Now that she said it and now that he was no longer angry maybe they could move forward. Maybe it would be easier to fall in love all over again. He never stopped caring about her but he did find it hard to connect with her intimately and not just physically but emotionally as well.

"It's time to put that behind us. I forgive you for what happened with Shane. That doesn't matter anymore. I hope you can forgive me for the way I treated you."

"Rick, what are you saying?" She never stop holding his hand and squeezed it tighter.

"Life is short. Life is precious. We should try." He nodded his head almost as if he had convinced himself at that moment. But the idea of them rekindling what they once had wasn't a new thought for him. Even at their worst, when he refused to speak to her and slept in a separate cell, he still wanted his marriage to work. He just didn't know how to put it back together again but he wanted it. "We should try."

"You want us to be a family again? You, me, Carl, and Judith?"

"You were right; it's time to get the house in order."

Her eyes widened. "Baby, you've just made me the happiest person in the world." She smiled at him.

He smiled back, feeling like he had a new chance at life. A chance to finally make things right.

* * *

 _ **A/N: Makennas Hunter, Michonne makes her entrance next chapter.**_


	3. Chapter 2: Set Adrift on Memory Bliss

_A/N:_ _Alexis...Ele não esquecer as coisas com Lori. Eles tiveram tempo na prisão nesta história e beacause de que, Rick e Lori não estavam em desacordo, como no programa de TV. (I hope that made sense. I used Google translate. Of the languages I've studied, Portuguese wasn't one of them.)_

 _atm0000... You're right on with how you're viewing this story. I simultaneously tell their backstory so I hope that helps_ _. I'm probably having more fun writing than you guys have reading it since I know the end. Hopefully the flashbacks give you guys some Richonne happiness._

 _Remember, i_ _n this story things happened at the prison (like a certain amount of tolerance) that obviously didn't happen in the TV show because Lori died._

* * *

 **Chapter 2: Set Adrift on Memory Bliss  
Michonne  
Monday**

Michonne had been away for a meeting of the consortium, a group designed to ensure the communities worked together more efficiently to restore order to their small part of the world. She was one of two Alexandria delegates; the other was Aaron. Deanna thought it best to have people who were familiar with the world and what it did to people and that was not her. This particular meeting was held at The Kingdom. It took longer than they expected, four days to be exact, but they accomplished a lot. Despite establishing an elimination force, whose responsibility was to clear walkers in the larger safe zone, they were still careful and believed in minimizing risks so they remained at The Kingdom those four days instead of traveling back and forth. It also saved on fuel and run-ins with the rare outlaws who mistakenly believed their area of Virginia and D.C. remained lawless.

As soon as they returned to the community she was inundated with people letting her know something happened to Rick. In fact, Eugene beat on her window as they drove through the gates, barely allowing her to put the car in park before opening her door. There were conflicting stories but they all seemed to agree that at some point Rick was in a coma and now he was awake. Aaron insisted on unloading the car and returning their supplies and the car keys to Olivia while she rushed to the infirmary to be with Rick.

Had this happened before she left she wouldn't have wanted to leave his side. While most people said they knew people would want them to carry on if they became sick or died, she knew for a fact Rick would expect her to do what was best for the community and civilization instead of futilely sitting by at his bedside. He was always there for everyone at their lowest point so she felt bad for not being there for him, though she had no doubt he was surrounded by love. Rick was important to this community that once feared his erratic behavior and wanted him banished. But he and the Alexandrians met in the middle with them realizing this world was as dangerous as he warned and Rick accepting he must trust in people and believe in the future. His transition from us versus them to we made her more proud of anything he'd ever done. In fact, she was pretty sure it wasn't until then that she saw him in a way that made it possible for her to love him.

As she headed to the infirmary people smiled and congratulated her on his return to health. Somehow she and Rick became the de facto first couple of Alexandria since Deanna became a widow and they became a couple. She couldn't walk around Alexandria alone with someone asking where Rick was and the same happened with him. It was awkward for everyone at first with Lori being in the same community. Despite whispering to Michonne and Rick that they were perfect for each other, in Lori's presence people's happiness was muted if not altogether nonexistent. She understood that because hurting Lori was the last thing she wanted to do. Michonne spent their time at the prison being her number one advocate, even if Lori didn't know it.

She rushed through the infirmary door. "Rick?"

The bottom floor of the house was empty except for Hershel and Denise who were both startled by her sudden presence. Denise's style was much like her own - minimalist. There were a couple of beds on one side of the room and near the kitchen were a couch and coffee table that served as the waiting room. In the far corner, hidden by a panel room divider, was the area where she performed patient consultations.

"He's upstairs in bed. 1A. He's awake." Hershel stood and took a couple of steps toward her.

Immediately she headed for the stairs.

"Wait a minute. I need to tell you something," he said.

She continued to the stairs her hand on the banister for support then turned her head slightly to look back at Hershel. "What? Can it wait?"

"No. It can't."

Hershel had a presence. One that demanded respect and acquiescence. "What happened?"

"He was out on a run with Daryl when he fell and hit his head on a rock. Knocked him out cold. He was unconscious for three days."

She could see from the looks on both their faces there was more and it wasn't good. "What else? What aren't you telling me?" Her eyes bounced back and forth between Hershel and Denise. "He can't walk or something? He can't see?"

"Nothing like that," Denise murmured as she rocked back and forth on her heels, her hands, as they often were, clasped in front of her.

Hershel looked at Denise and her eyes cast down in embarrassment before he turned his attention back to Michonne. "Calm down. There are a few things he can't remember."

"Like what? His name?" The more cryptic they were the more nervous she became. Finally, she gave up on getting information from them and decided to get it for herself. She ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time while ignoring Hershel as he called for her to wait.

"But wait there's something..." Hershel called out to her.

She wasn't interested in hearing anything else until she saw Rick. Everything else could wait. Seeing Rick was the only thing that mattered.

The room he was in was the first on the left. She knocked on the door, which was ajar, but didn't wait for permission to enter. He was sitting propped up against pillows reading a book. The blinds were open and the room was filled with light.

When she entered he smiled at her. "Hey."

"Hey yourself." She walked over to his bed, the farthest from the door and took him in. Somehow in three days he managed to look paler and thinner. There were no bandages just a long discolored scratch on his forehead near his temple and the usual bruises and scratches on his hands and arms from living a hard life. He was in a white T-shirt and his blue pinstriped pajama bottoms; she slept in the matching top.

"What are you reading?"

" _Crime and Punishment_."

She raised an eyebrow. "Ambitious."

"Hershel said I'd connect with it."

"I think he's right. Rodion, he had a chaotic relationship with the world. He had a dual personality. On one hand, he could be cold and commit murder and on the other hand he could just as easily be warm and compassionate."

"Not very subtle." He closed the book.

She shrugged. "How are you enjoying it so far?"

He laughed. "I've read four pages in the past hour and it was still less painful than those comic books you got for Carl. You would have read half the book by now," he said as he reached over and placed the book on the nightstand.

Alexandria had it's own extensive library thanks to all the residents pooling together the books from their homes and runs. Things had changed drastically. Their runs were no longer solely about food and supplies. Living in Alexandria allowed them to see the value of other things, pleasurable things, while scavenging.

She had always been a voracious reader but that changed once she and Rick started their new relationship. She was more interested in reading him and studying his body than the words in any book. She thought she knew so much about him but it was amazing, beautiful even, the things they talked about while lying next to each other in their dark bedroom in the middle of the night. Childhood memories, biggest fears, regrets, perfect vacations. His was a road trip hitting all fifty states. Hers was a trek through Southeast Asia.

If she didn't know any better she'd think everything was okay. There was still that smile and those eyes of his that made her smile from the inside out. Just being in a room with him made her feel things would work out.

She smiled. "You gave everyone a scare." She sat down in the chair next to his bed and placed her hand on his arm, gently rubbing her thumb over his skin. When he didn't respond she became worried. "Do you know who I am?"

"Of course. I know my best friend."

"Say my name."

He laughed. "Michonne, it was just a bump on the head. You're the one that's always telling me how hard it is so you should know there's nothing to worry about."

She sighed in relief. "I hear you have a fuzzy memory. What is it you don't remember?"

"This place for one. Walls. Fancy houses. Food. Running water?" He shook his head. "Seems like it's a good deal according to Carl and Lori. I got everything I've always wanted for my family. For all of us."

Something didn't sit right with what he was saying but she couldn't place it. Who did he mean when he said us? According to Carl and Lori? So she was here to see him? That shouldn't bother her but deep down Michonne didn't like it. They were married for years and had two kids. Being in the same community meant they had to deal with each other, work together, have each other's backs. So she worked hard to make sure they were cordial, the kids needed that as well, but she and Lori wouldn't be best friends.

"Oh yeah?"

"A healthy baby girl, a son who is growing up to be a man. Lori and I," he said before taking a deep breath and exhaling loudly. "We're going to try to make it work again."

She heard footsteps behind her but she didn't turn around. "What?"

"I know it's crazy after all this time but she's my wife and I know there's something still there. I woke up and I knew it. I knew I had to give it a real chance for our kids, for Lori...for me. We deserve a chance to be a family and if it can happen then it needs to be."

She pulled her hand back that was once on his arm and held her hands in her lap. She was speechless. _This_ is what he forgot? He forgot _her_? What she was to him and what they were to each other? The many conversations, finally giving in to what they felt for each other? The past two months. All gone?

"Wow, just like that." She laughed uncomfortably and lightly massaged her forehead with her fingers. "Wha...what is it exactly that you don't remember?"

"Apparently, about the last year."

"Is there anything we can do to help you get it back?"

"Hershel and the doctor said I'd probably get my memory back soon enough. Something about...I forgot the term."

"He has retrograde amnesia," Hershel called out from the doorway. "His memory will probably return. He didn't forget everything so that means the brain injury was less significant."

"Three days in a coma and forgetting..." Michonne stopped herself. "It seems pretty significant to me. So when will he get his memory back?"

"No timetable. More than likely not in order. He won't remember August and then September. It'll just come back. You can't tell him and make him remember. It'll be spontaneous."

She looked at Rick. "What? One day you're putting on your shoes and it all just comes back to you?" She could feel her pounding heart and hear her ragged breath. This is something nightmares are made of.

"Yeah."

"When? Like tomorrow?"

She tried to remain calm. Tried not to sound desperate. Prayed to keep the tears at bay when all she wanted to do was throw herself in his arms, kiss him, try to remind him they loved each other. Why couldn't that moment be now? Or when he first woke up so he wouldn't think he loved his wife?

Wait. Were there latent feelings for Lori while she and Rick were a couple? Was he aware of some type of feelings he had for his wife and kept those feelings from Michonne? Did he always hope to make it work with Lori? She wanted to believe it wasn't possible but it was, wasn't it? After all, while he remained with his family he was conscious of his feelings for Michonne.

"Could be a day. Could be a week or a month," Hershel said from behind her.

She turned to see him standing in the doorway. And in those silent seconds she and the old man said so much to each other. She could see the sympathy in his eyes. He surely saw the pain in hers.

"What's wrong?" Rick asked.

She took a deep breath and willed herself to put on a facade to mask the pain and confusion that flooded her in the last few minutes. Then she turned her head around to look at him. "You don't remember the last two months?"

She knew she had asked that question before. The painful truth was always the same and hurt deeper than the last cut. She was not the woman in his life. She was not his love. Their past was a memory and so was her dream, their dream, of a future. Never to be fulfilled.

He shook his head. "No. Last thing I remember is living at the prison." He laughed a little. "All those times back at the prison you tried to talk to me about giving my marriage a chance. I guess it took a nasty bump on the head for it to finally get through to me."

Michonne forced a smile. "Yeah, imagine that."

* * *

 _ **Back at the prison**_

 _They found the warden's office by accident weeks ago when they were doing a security sweep of the prison and came across a few walkers. They fought and made their way into the office which had gone pretty much untouched aside from some papers and folders on the floor. Neither of them told anyone else about the office and from time to time found each other in there when they were both looking for a little time alone. After a while they started meeting there. It was their place even though she wasn't entirely sure why they needed a place of their own._

 _But it was nice having someone other than Andrea to talk to because there were certain things her friend couldn't understand that Rick could. She and Rick talked about a lot of things. Even about their estranged siblings. His strained marriage with Lori caused his brother, her high school best friend, to get involved and led to Rick and Jeff suffering through painful generic chit chat at family functions. Michonne's beliefs, drastically different from her upbringing, made limited contact with her family much easier. She accepted that you outgrew people but her family insisted that didn't include blood. They didn't like her lifestyle but they didn't begrudge her money so whenever they asked she paid and considered it a worthy price to pay for peace and distance._

 _They grabbed the two wastebaskets and emptied the crumbled paper onto the desk then placed them back against the wall about_ _twelve feet from them as they sat on the desk side by side._ _They had an ongoing competition to see who could get the most in their respective baskets._

 _"I saw that awkward moment back there," she said watching him out of the corner of her eye._

 _"What awkward moment?"_

 _"Between you and Lori. She wanted to talk and you told her to talk to Hershel."_

 _He grunted._

 _"You think that was right?"_

 _"What?"_

 _She sighed. "Hershel isn't her husband. You are."_

 _"He seems to get her more than I do. She should talk to him."_

 _They remained silent for a while, taking turns tossing their paper basketballs in the wastebaskets. She liked that about him, he didn't need to fill the silence with drivel but this time she wanted to talk. She wanted him to do the talking about a subject he constantly avoided._

 _"Do you think you'd hate her so much if you didn't have to kill your best friend?"_

 _"What?"_

 _"Do you blame her for having to kill him? That's why he tried to kill you, because of her. Do you resent her for it?"_

 _"It's not her fault he wouldn't back off."_

 _"Of course not. She wasn't responsible because he spun out of control. But men, they need some external reason for their internal demons. And that reason always seems to be a woman. We're to blame for why they did something. We're the reason for why they didn't do something. You didn't answer to my question. Do you blame her for it anyway?"_

 _"If she didn't sleep with him he wouldn't have believed he loved her." He shook his head. "He didn't love her. He only thought he did. He didn't know her. Know all the things about her."_

 _It wasn't the first time he implied there was more to Lori than the rest of them saw. That made it hard for them to understand his situation. That there was a side only he could love._

 _"When I first found out about them it took all I had not to knock his teeth down his throat. I was angrier at him than I was at her. She was scared and alone, trying to keep our son alive. But him? No excuse. All those times I confided in him about my marriage. All the times I showed my pain to him and he didn't hesitate to screw my wife. I was mad but there was too much to focus on. Safety and then Carl getting shot. There was always something happening that kept me from dealing with it, forcing me to keep pushing it down and trying to forget about it. But after Shane died...after I killed Shane...that's when it all changed." He tossed a crumbled ball of paper but it missed the basket. "That's when it was hard for me to even look at her. Judging my decisions when she was often the reason I had to make them."_

 _"Everyone gets judgmental especially when things don't work out."_

 _"No, not like her. Lori has a way of judging me..." He stopped and it was obvious he was becoming upset. "You expect your wife to have your back, not fight you every step of the way and make you feel like shit for trying to do what's right."_

 _"I'm sure she wasn't doing that."_

 _He faced her. "You're telling me how my wife made me feel?"_

 _"No. Sorry." She attempted a shot and missed. "_ _Are you willing to make an effort to fix things?"_

 _"Maybe."_

 _"Maybe?"_

 _"Once we get this place settled."_

 _"First you couldn't deal with your marriage problems because it was finding a safe place to have the baby. You found that and then it was about the baby being born, and then it was dealing with The Governor. Now that's done, what's the issue now? What's preventing you from working on it now?"_

 _"Nothing."_

 _"It's gotta be something."_

 _She could see him struggling to figure it out. Did he even know if he wanted to make it work or did he close himself off without sorting things out in his own head?_

 _"Why are you so interested in my marriage working?"_

 _"Why aren't you as interested as I am in your marriage working?"_

 _He sighed. It was the sigh he always gave when she was being too much for him._

 _She smiled. "Because I like when people are happy. There are enough things to worry about on the outside that what happens in this place should be peace. Besides, people making it, coming out the other side of gloom to find happiness, that gives everyone hope. Glenn and Maggie and Judith can't be that for everyone. You can never have too much of that. I wouldn't mind having some hope myself."_

 _After she lost her family, she roamed the countryside thinking she'd never be part of something real ever again. That there could be joy, laughter, and camaraderie in her life was something she thought could never happen again. She was filled with so much darkness and hopelessness. Andrea was the spark that brought her back to life and Carl set off an explosion in her heart._

 _He nodded absentmindedly, staring across the room._

 _"So what's holding you back?"_

 _"You don't give up do you?"_

 _She shook her head and waited._

 _"That if I stop being upset and try I'll realize I don't love her anymore." He stared in her eyes. "Then what? What do I tell my boy? How do we live in the same place but not as husband and wife? That's kind of weird."_

 _"That's how you're living now." They didn't sleep in the same cell and unless it had something to do with the kids, they never exchanged words, at least not any she heard. "_ _What does Carl think about it?"_

 _"I don't know. We don't talk about it. You tell me."_

 _"I don't know but he takes his cues from you on how to deal with his mom. I don't think that's any way for a boy to feel about his mom._ _"_ _She and Carl had a few powerful talks but never about his parents' marriage. She'd never pump a child for information. And why, when she could go directly to the source? She never shied away from asking Rick anything and he was always willing to share. They started out rocky. He didn't trust her and she didn't do much talking but she proved herself to be an asset to the group and, through Carl, she proved to be a friend._

 _She pulled a bag of M &Ms out of her pocket and offered him some. _

_"Wow, you're going to share your stale peanut M &Ms with me? I'm not worthy."_

 _She found a three-pound bag of M &Ms on her last run, and other than Carl, because he was a cool kid, she only shared them with Rick. They all had their selfish moments. Maggie's was the Little Debbie Oatmeal pies. Glenn liked gummy worms. Carol liked nuts. _

_"What problems did you have before the change? You and Lori." She asked as she watched him put the brown M &Ms back in the bag. He preferred blue and red which made sharing with him nice because she liked the green and yellow ones._

 _"I didn't love her enough. Didn't say it enough. Didn't show it enough. According to her anyway. Hell, I don't even know sometimes. She was unhappy. I was supposed to make it better and I failed." He crumbled a piece of paper and tossed it in the waste basket. "Ten all."_

 _He nudged her just as she released her imitation basketball._ _"Missed."_

 _"You cheated." She laughed but she was used to his antics. It wasn't the first time he tried any means necessary to come out on top. She usually won these competitions._

 _"I'm a sore loser. You wouldn't want to break my spirit would you?"_

 _She smiled and rolled her eyes. She always gave in. If she had to label him he'd go in the same group as puppies, babies, and teddy bears - adorably irresistible. That is, when he wasn't mean a curmudgeon._

 _"It was always more. More money. More house. More vacations. More stuff. More words. Thing is, I think I was more capable of more stuff than words. I didn't have the words she needed to hear to let her know everything would be okay. That we were where we should be."_

 _She seemed to have the life Lori wanted and she wasn't going to lie to herself, she enjoyed her life but she knew better. "Didn't the world tell you all the stuff didn't matter? Especially after she thought you were dead and you weren't sure if you'd ever see them again."_

 _"Should have but she was sleeping with my best friend so whatever love and health is all we need realization flew out the window."_

 _"You said you figured out pretty quick what happened between them. How?"_

 _"I saw the glances. Her guilt. Fear of being found out. Saw him staring at her like a lovesick puppy and glaring at me like I was the enemy, even though he tried to hide it. Going against me every chance he got. I knew it wasn't just about a difference of strategy. He wanted to prove himself to Lori. Make her want to choose him."_

 _"But you remained focused on safety for the group." Rick, always the benevolent leader. Always sacrificing for others to the point that it may have ended his marriage and disrupted his family._

 _"I think I wanted her to admit it," he said as he ignored her compliment. "The longer she didn't admit it the more time I had to come up with all sorts of shit in my head. Stuff that made me angrier and more resentful. By the time she admitted it I felt like she used it to manipulate me into going against him. Whispering in my ear how he was a danger. That he wouldn't stop until he had my wife and my son as his own. She slept with him. She was through with him and wanted me to do the dirty work of ending things for her. And I did...in more ways than one. Pissed me off that I had to do it. Clean up her mess."_

 _"You think she's that devious? Calculating?"_

 _He chuckled but he was far from amused. "I can't imagine what the group thought of me. Knowing my wife was with my best friend and then she's all over me when I show up like the relieved long-suffering wife. All the time that secret hung over everyone. She made it everyone's business, everyone's secret...everyone's lie."_

 _Now didn't seem like the time to continue imploring him to give his wife another chance because everything he just acknowledged_ _was pretty heavy, heavier and more honest and raw than she expected._ _At first all she could see was a sorrowful woman who made a mistake, loved her husband, and was begging for another chance. Now it was more clear why it was difficult for him to get past all that happened. Lori didn't just sleep with Shane because they thought Rick was dead. Lori and Shane destroyed Rick's pride. They took away some of his choices. She could see pain, anger, and humiliation all over his face._

 _He looked so dejected that she reached out to touch him but thought better of it and pulled her hand back. Instead, she stood up and reached into her bag of M &Ms and handed him three blue M&Ms. __"You're worth it." Then she walked out of the office._


	4. Chapter 3: Misguided Angel

_**A/N:**_ _Alexis...Você pode gostar da coleção Richonne. É uma coleção de histórias Richonne felizes._

 _Chapters 1-3 take place over one day. Thanks so much to everyone for reading._

* * *

 **Chapter 3: Misguided Angel  
Lori  
Monday**

Lori hummed as she rearranged her bedroom, making room for Rick's things in the dressers and the closet. Not that she had a closet full of clothes, but she made a side for him and a side for her. The closet was so large there was still room to create a separate section for Judith, who sat on the floor playing with actual toys she received when they first arrived in Alexandria and not those terrible red cups Rick gave her. Later she would help Carol move her things out of the upstairs bedroom and into Rick's old bedroom downstairs so they could have some privacy as they worked on being a family once again. And then there would be the difficult part of paying a visit to Michonne later that day to discuss the new arrangements and Rick's idea to be with his wife and children.

She wasn't sure how that would go but she knew this would change the dynamic of the entire community. There were no secrets in Alexandria just like at the prison. Everyone knew everything about everything. It would cause some problems but Lori wouldn't back out of telling Michonne this was best. She couldn't let the opportunity pass, it could be her last.

Carl entered her room. "Here's the box from the garage you wanted, mom. Where do you want it?"

"Over here by the closet, baby."

After placing the box on the floor he stood in the doorway of the large walk-in closet. "What are you doing?"

"Denise and Hershel think your dad can come home tomorrow so I'm getting everything prepared for him."

"He just woke up today. And what do you mean come home? You mean to come live here?"

She turned and looked at him, realizing she hadn't talked to Carl about the amazing turn of events. She ushered him away from the closet and directed him to the bed. "Baby, have a seat. We need to talk."

He stared at her. His eye still bandaged. It took a long time for her to get used to seeing him that way. It broke her heart to know he had to fight for his life once again. It was no life for children. That day she didn't think she'd live. Maybe he ran out of guardian angels and she ran out of getting a mother's prayers answered. She wasn't sure she wanted to live if her baby boy didn't make it. She and Judith had been home with Carol when part of the wall crumbled and Alexandria had been breached by walkers. Being separated from Carl, not knowing where he was, or Rick, was torture. She tried to never give up hope but that night she failed. It wasn't until daylight was she able to leave their home and find out what happened and once she found out that started a new nightmare, knowing where he was and what happened to him but not being able to fix it. She brushed an errant lock of hair that fell over his bandage. "You need a haircut. I can give you one tonight."

"Mom," he said irritated by her fussing over him. "I don't need a haircut." He pulled back. His head now out of her reach.

She smiled. "You never did like haircuts." At least not the ones she gave. He loved going to the barbershop with Rick. It was a father-son ritual they had; no moms allowed. They would be gone for hours because after they would grab lunch. She was happy he had those times with his dad. Normal times. Unlike Judith, who would only know the walking dead as a way of life.

"So what is this all about?"

She held his hand. "Your dad wants to give me another chance. He wants us to be a family."

He frowned. "What?"

"I know," she said and shook her head. She was still overwhelmed by it herself. "I was shocked myself but he wants this. He still loves me just like I love him. He told me so."

"He's not himself."

"He was very clear. He remembered the past and he wants to work through it. He..." her voice lowered. "He even remembered Shane."

Her son was observant. He was old enough to know what happened and young enough that he had no shame in asking questions. Carl knowing of her relationship with Shane caused her more shame than Rick knowing. On the road after the farm fell, the larger her belly grew the more distant Carl became. By the time they arrived at the prison, he was unabashedly defiant, yelling at her, ignoring her, barely acknowledging her presence and definitely not respecting her authority.

"But does he remember Michonne?"

"I'm not sure."

"Don't you think you should find that out?"

She placed her hand on his shoulder. "Carl. You get to have your family back."

"But I'm used to you guys not being together."

"You don't have to simply tolerate something Carl."

"I'm not, mom. I love you. I love dad. I..."

"Her?"

"I was going to say I'm okay with how things are."

"Look, I know you like her. I know she saved you."

"And you, too."

"Yes," she said. "She did."

"And Judith. And this is how you pay her back?"

Her eyes widened. "He's still my husband. I don't owe her my family and neither do you."

Carl stood up. "Don't pretend to do this for me. It has nothing to do with me. This is for you. How can you do this to Michonne? To dad?" He walked out of the bedroom.

"Carl," she called out after him but he never returned, didn't even bother to answer her. "Just don't tell your dad. I'll talk to him." She ran her hand through her hair. Life was so hard. It was hard for her before the world went to hell and it only got more difficult.

Soon she heard the slam of the door. She hoped he would be happy but there had been a nagging feeling that told her that wouldn't be the case. Carl forgave her for all her mistakes by the time they made it to Alexandria but he still worshiped Michonne. Was it possible by regaining her husband she would lose her son in the process?

* * *

 _ **After the prison fell**_

 _The thick smoke clouding her vision and making her eyes water made it almost impossible for Lori to navigate the destroyed prison courtyard. But she put one foot in front of the other and held Judith tight against her body. She didn't see anyone from the prison and the only upright bodies were those of walkers. When she made it to where the bus was supposed to be there was nothing there. The bus was gone._

 _She and her baby were stranded. Alone and surrounded by fire and rubble. It all happened in an instant. They were enjoying a sunny peaceful day as usual, kids were running around, people were talking and then The Governor reappeared like a nightmare summoning Rick to be the man he no longer wanted to be. The days turned into weeks and then months without The Governor's presence in their lives. She hoped, they all did except for Michonne, that maybe he was dead. They were wrong._

 _"Lori?"_

 _She turned in the direction of the voice. Through the smoke she could barely make out a figure._ _"Michonne?"_

 _"Yes, it's me," she said as she stood before, maybe two feet away._

 _"Carl. Have you seen? Have you seen Carl? Is he with you?"_

 _"No. I...I don't know where he is." She grabbed Lori's forearm. "We need to go."  
_

 _"No, not without my boy."_

 _"It's not safe here."_

 _"I'm not leaving without him. He could still be here. Somewhere hiding."_

 _The sounds of the dead were getting closer. Death was always just a step away, a heartbeat away. That was life now. Avoiding death, fighting death, waiting on death, and sometimes, even accepting it._

 _"The walls are down and walkers are all around." Michonne looked around. "And all the gunfire and explosions only attracted more and they'll be here soon. This place isn't safe. Carl would know that."_

 _"Carl," Lori screamed out. "Carl. Where are you? I need you to come out now. Please." She spun around in a circle. Horrible nightmares always repeated themselves. Reliving pain was what always happened. This was a repeat of when they lost the farm. When she was separated from Carl. When she was out of her mind and didn't know what to do._

 _With one swing, Michonne decapitated three walkers that were just a couple of feet behind Lori and Judith. More were headed their way. "Lori, we have to go."_

 _"I'll find him myself."_

 _"No. No more bullshit. We're leaving. Pretty soon this place will be swarming with walkers and we'll be trapped with no way to get out. You have a daughter to take care of. I will do whatever I have to do to look for Carl."_

 _She believed her. She would have to pray like when they lost the farm that her boy would be with his father. Safe. She would do what she did then, think of what Rick would do. Maybe that could lead her to them._

 _They left the grounds of the prison through the woods. To the west of them were endless numbers of walkers following behind each other headed for the prison. Had they stayed there a few more minutes they would have been pinned down in the prison just like Michonne said. She looked back and what had once been their home. To see it destroyed felt like the end of the world again. The guard tower was destroyed, the fences were down, parts of the prison was on fire. It was gone. Tears pooled in her eyes. She never should have looked back. Never look back._

 _They had been walking for a while. Just when she was ready to question if Michonne had a plan, she stopped and squatted in a muddy well-worn path that separated one side of the woods from the other. "What are you looking at?"_

 _"Shoe prints. Two sets."_

 _"Do you think they're Carl and Rick's?"_

 _"Dunno." She stood up and looked in the direction of the prints._

 _"Well, what do we do?"_

 _"We follow. But we'll go through the woods. Stay out of sight."_

 _They stopped at a BBQ joint, Joe and Joe Jr's, it brought back memories. She grew up in places like this. Small, personal, the owner knew everyone by name. King County was full of places like this. The closest chain restaurant was thirty minutes away. It's why she loved that both she and Rick didn't want to leave their hometown. It's the kind of place they wanted to raise their kids. Life could be cruel. They were worried about impersonal neighbors, traffic, and crime and now they were raising their kids in a horror show._

 _Michonne looked around the room and squatted next to a walker lying face up in the center of the room. "The rest of these walkers have been dead for a long time but this one," she said as she poked its chest, "He's fresh. This just happened. We're close behind someone."_

 _"How do we know it's our people? How do we know they aren't bad people?"_

 _Michonne looked at her the way most did, dismissively. To everyone but Carol and Maggie, she was nothing more than Rick's wife, Carl and Judith's mother. Someone who helped Carol with the cooking and organizing._

 _"We'll stay behind and make sure we spot them before they spot us."_

 _All her life she did this to herself. She allowed herself to believe she could have everything, anything she wanted. That she could be happy. But it never worked out that way. In the end she always felt she came up short and because she had her health, a loving husband, a healthy kid people never understood why she felt like she was failing at life._

 _"What you thinking about?"_

 _Judith began to cry and Lori bounced her gently as she kissed her head._ _"There was a place like this back home. It belonged to Rick and Shane's... Rick and the owner were friends. He went off to college on a football scholarship. He was a legend in our town. Blew out his knee and came back home after he graduated from college and opened that place."_

 _"Terrell." Michonne hopped on the counter and sat, swinging her legs._

 _"I forgot Rick took you back to our hometown." It almost felt like a betrayal. He didn't even tell her Michonne was going on that trip. Told her about Carl but not Michonne. Seeing them ride off from the prison made her feel a way she couldn't explain not even to herself. She stared at the dust the vehicle left until she could no longer see the tail lights. Whatever happened that day, the three of them came back different._

 _"Carl said it was your idea to get the crib for Judith."_

 _She shrugged. Her modesty seemed sincere except... Lori couldn't put her finger on it. She wasn't that way around the men. Not Hershel, not even Daryl. She laughed and joked with them. Rick too. While she gave Lori absolutely no reason to dislike her, and Lori, to be honest, didn't dislike her, there was just an inability for her to get close to Michonne. Maybe it was because Michonne was close with Andrea and Andrea never made her contempt for Lori a secret._

 _She always respected Michonne's fearlessness. And she even admired Michonne's relationship with her son and her husband. Actually, she was jealous. Sometimes she wanted to ask her for advice. Imagine that, asking another woman how she could get closer to her own son and husband. Her pride just wouldn't allow that._

 _If she had to bet money she would say Rick and Michonne didn't have a physical relationship. There was no way for her to know for sure since she wasn't around them every moment, but she was positive as she could be. Rick would never do that. He never put his physical desires above anything. He was too good a man. But after that trip to King County Michonne had something that was more real, more intimate than sex and that was Rick's ear and his trust. Things Lori doubted she'd ever have again._

 _Michonne spun around and jumped behind the counter. "We need to find food. Something for her. She's hungry."_

 _They searched but only found jars of hot sauce and relish. There was one bag of popcorn but that wouldn't work for Judith. They would have to find something soon. Water would only be enough for so long. She needed food._

 _"No more food or water but I found this." Michonne held up a book. "The Red Badge of Courage. Carl will like this," she said as she placed it in her backpack. She gave Lori a small smile. "I don't think a missing book is on the public library's list of concerns these days."_

 _The one thing she appreciated about Michonne more than her survival skills was her affection for Carl. It was genuine and she was thankful for that. He needed someone while he was in the stage of hating his parents, her more than Rick._

 _"Alone, all alone. Nobody, but nobody can make it out here alone," Michonne mumbled as she did a 360-degree scan of the room._

 _"What was that?" Lori asked._

 _She closed her eyes. "Just from a poem."_

 _"I was never into poetry but I liked to read. Never seemed to do as much as I wanted. Had a list. Even tried to read all the books on the Oprah Book Club." She shook her head. Those books weren't for her. Some of them she enjoyed, but most of the ones she tried didn't hold her attention._

 _"Who did you like? Writers?" Michonne asked. She had a slight smile on her face._

 _"The usual fun stuff. Danielle Steele, John Grisham. A friend had just introduced me to Patricia Highsmith before the turn. I liked her. How about you?"_

 _She smiled. "About the same."_

 _Somehow Lori didn't believe that at all. She seemed like the classics type. The one who knew about the best books before they were released._

 _"We should get going in case we need to find a place to spend the night. We can't sleep outside with her and I'd prefer to not sleep in another car that we don't have enough time to air out before we have to close ourselves up in it." Michonne headed for the door without another word. It had been one day since they hit the road. They spent last night sleeping in a mini-van, her armless mute walkers served as protectors though she was sure Michonne didn't sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. She had never seen anything like those enslaved walkers before and they spent eight months on the run after losing the farm. Sometimes she felt like Michonne was made for this world and knew how to use everything to her advantage._

* * *

Lori walked up the stairs to the brownstone Michonne and Rick shared. She prayed this went well. That it wouldn't be dramatic and angry and embarrassing. She heard knocking and realized it was of her own making. Swiftly, she lowered her hand. Then she placed both of her hands in her back pockets. That's where she put them when she didn't know what to do with them. She didn't know what to do with them when she was nervous.

She had never been inside their place before. She walked by it many times. Walked behind it as well. Sometimes when she walked behind the building during one of her walks she could see the lights of what she assumed was their bedroom. And then the torture would begin. She imagined what they would be doing. Were they laughing and talking? Laughing and talking about her? Did they discuss each other's days? Once the lights went out did they go to sleep or did they make love first? Was it sweet and romantic? Wild and adventurous since no kids were in their home while Lori dealt with a moody teenager and a fussy toddler?

Sometimes she resented Rick for leaving her. He was still the beloved father but lived like a completely free man. Sometimes she felt like his babysitter. But those moments were fleeting because there wasn't a moment, even when he hated her, that she didn't still love him and want him back.

Mercifully her sadistic mind was silenced when Michonne opened the door. She was smaller in stature but far more intimidating than almost anyone she'd come across in this new world. Michonne remained silent and Lori knew this was not going to be easy.

"Michonne." She smiled meekly.

"Lori." She surveyed the street before turning her focus back on Lori. "What can I do for you?" She remained in the doorway arms crossed expectantly staring and waiting.

"Can...can I come in? We need to talk."

Michonne took a couple of steps backward and opened the door wider then stepped to the side, extending her arm, making way for Lori while granting her access without saying a word.

Their home felt like a home. Instantly she was hit with the smell of something aromatic, floral. "Wow, something smells great. What is that smell?"

"Jasmine."

"Wow. It smells amazing."

The walls were a pale green with white trim. The mantle over the fireplace held pictures, candles, and a couple of vases. There were a few mirrors in the room. It wasn't something she imagined was Rick or Michonne's style. If they could have any furniture they wanted she figured they would opt for dark leather, modern, and sleek. This was out of _Architectural Digest_ , one of the magazines Lori would flip through in the grocery store while she waited in line.

"Have a seat."

She sat on the beige couch with a throw tossed over the back. It almost looked too nice to sit on. The round cherry wood coffee table even held flowers in a glass vase. A couple of petals had fallen on the table, the flowers looked like that had been there for days. A book, _The Dew Breaker_ , sat on the table with two pieces of paper, one with an M written on it and the other with the letter R, sticking out serving as bookmarks. There were a couple of candles on the table as well with burnt wicks. She looked down at the couch. Had this been the scene of a romantic rendezvous? Candlelight dinner by the fireplace?

"Is that a good book?" She pointed at it.

"So far. What is it you think we need to talk about?"

Her mind was making this harder than it already was. She had always been so curious about their life together. She wanted to know if it was similar to her own life with Rick or was it the polar opposite.

"Lori."

She looked over at Michonne. "Rick woke up."

"I know. I saw him already." She sat in one of the two chairs across from the couch.

Before she sat she had picked something up off the chair. Now Lori could see it. It was one of Judith's toys. Her kids came here. Spent the night sometimes. Did they have fun? Did they see their dad kiss Michonne? Did they do things like a family?

"Lori."

"Sorry. Then you know." Of course she did. The reception was less than cordial even for Michonne.

"Know what?" Her eyes widened slightly and she blinked quickly a couple of times. She was going to play this so nice it would be cold and nasty.

"His memory loss."

"And that he wants to try to reconcile with you."

She exhaled a breath she didn't know she was holding. "So you know everything."

"I'm glad I could lighten the load for you."

"I know it's probably hard for you. Rick wanting to be with...to give us another chance." She ran her palms up and down her thighs. "What are your intentions? Did you tell him anything?"

"Tell him that he and I are together?" She paused until Lori nodded her head. "No, I didn't tell him."

She exhaled again. "Good." She caught herself. "I mean..."

"Did you bother to tell him he was in a relationship with another woman before agreeing to start over? Because I'm assuming you said yes to the offer of reconciliation."

She wasn't thrilled at having this conversation and she took no joy in saying these things to Michonne but this was a chance to get her family back together. She had to take it, right?

"I didn't mention anything to him. It was his idea for a reconciliation."

"Because he has amnesia."

"Amnesia may be why he doesn't remember his time with you but it's not why he decided to give his family another chance. I just want to make sure you're not going to say anything. I think it's best not to overwhelm him. He's been through so much. Please, give him a chance. A chance to see if this works. With his children. I'm still his wife. There must be something still there that he thought that way. Now all the noise is gone.

"And all the memories of you and what you did."

"I suppose I'll never be able to live that down but he does remember what happened."

"What are you saying?" They both turned to see Andrea walking towards them. "That she should pretend he doesn't love her? That they don't share a bed?"

"Andrea." Michonne shook her head.

"No, Michonne. That's bullshit." She turned to Lori. "You want her to keep her mouth shut about her relationship so you can steal her man. Hand him over on a silver platter." She shook her head. "You really are a piece of work. I didn't think you could be more wrapped up in yourself and entitled but you go and prove me wrong."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, I do. I was there, remember? I watched you walk around like queen bee. When you tried to have your husband, your son, your boyfriend and your boyfriend's baby. All of you together like some twisted little family for your benefit. Talk about having your cake and eating it too. Whole new meaning to happily ever after."

Lori looked to Michonne whose face was stoic. There was nothing to read. She imagined she was angry and heartbroken but you couldn't tell by her demeanor. She was calm. Way too calm for Lori. More calm than Lori ever was when it came to Rick. From the time Rick found them she was a nervous wreck, constantly in fear of losing him for one reason or another.

"I think it's best for now," Lori said. "For Rick."

Andrea laughed. "You're doing this for you. You don't even care about him in this whole thing. He needs to know about his life. Who he loves." She pointed at Michonne. "And that's her. If you're so concerned about what is best for Rick, why not tell him the truth and then let him work it out on his own?"

"I think it's time for me to leave," she said as she stood up. She turned to Michonne. "So, thank you for not saying anything to him. I really do think it's for the best. I just fear what overwhelming him could do in his state."

"You're a doctor now?" Andrea stepped closer to Lori. "Have you stopped to think this through? How much is he going to resent you for doing this to him? For using his injury for your benefit? Because you don't think he's going to say the outcome was worth your method do you? He'll hate you. Well, even more than he already does."

There was nothing she could say, especially to Andrea, who hated her since before the farm and that wouldn't change. But Andrea wasn't her concern, it was Michonne, and she seemed to be okay for now. At least she hoped she was as she walked out the door. She just wished their conversation ended with something definitive, with her knowing Michonne would remain silent.

"Shit," she muttered to herself. Andrea's presence completely disrupted the conversation and she forgot to ask Michonne to pack up Rick's things. She have to do it later when Andrea wasn't around.


	5. Chapter 4: Everyday People

_**A/N:** Richonne4Life feel free to rename all my chapters! LOL  
Makennas Hunter...yes, there will be Richonne flashbacks about their relationship but they will come later. For now, the flashbacks are about their friendship.  
_ _Even though there will be many chapters, this story takes place over seven days. I imagine it can get easy to forget so I will add the day of the week for each chapter._

* * *

 **Chapter 4: Everyday People  
Rick  
Tuesday**

Once Rick made it down to the first floor of the infirmary the next morning there were five sets of eyes keenly set on him. Hershel, Denise, Carl, and Lori watched him as if he would collapse at any moment. But Judith was a different story. His little girl watched him with wide-eyed excitement as she wiggled in the stroller. She kicked her legs, her arms were outstretched and she was ready to be held. She was ready to be held by him.

Looking back he remembered it took him a while to connect with her. It was two weeks before he held her. The shame that comes with that would never go away, not even with amnesia. It was the opposite of his experience when Carl was born. Of course, it didn't hurt that Carl was born in a civilized world to parents who loved each other. It was the best day of his life when his son was born. He had only been on shift for an hour before Lori's friend, Sarah, called him and told him to get to the hospital. Three hours later he was a father. And for the first time he felt like a man.

Everything he did was for Judith and Carl. When Carl was first born he promised his baby boy he would do everything in his power to give him the world. The world was a lot different now with no promises of what he once thought was most important for a child but his promise still remained.

Lori walked over and stood before him. "I always did like you in blue." She made a fuss over his collar and played with the top button of his shirt before laying her hands flat on his chest. "It brings out your eyes." She bought all his clothes in their past life, seemed appropriate she dressed him now.

She looked at him like she did the night he met her at that party all those years ago. There was a mixture of awe and shyness that made a guy feel like he was on top of the world. He smiled, uncertain of how to deal with the situation he put in motion. Getting back together was his idea and now he was nervous and unsure. But as he looked over at Judith, he knew he needed to try. He wanted to try. Life was too short to hold tight to a past that could never be changed. In spite of their problems, the sum of their lives together was better than the individual rough parts. A solid marriage wasn't about perfection, his grandfather told him at his wedding reception, it was about perseverance.

"Glad to have you on your feet," Hershel said.

He broke eye contact with Lori and looked over at Hershel. "Glad to be on my feet. Thank you." He looked at Denise. "Thank you both. I can't tell you how grateful I am."

Denise cleared her throat. "Remember, if you need anything don't hesitate to call. Well," she rolled her eyes. "Not call. We don't have phones. That would be nice and the internet would be nice too. I wouldn't mind Googling a few things. But I'm here. We're not busy, knock on wood, so come back anytime if you need anything or I can do a house call. Never thought we'd have those again."

Rick smiled. "Thank you for all you've done. You're kind." She had been the perfect doctor and nurse. Anything he needed at any time she was there. Whatever he felt, she acknowledged, even the pain he tried to hide. She was interesting. Her non-stop kind of stream of consciousness was amusing but he knew it wouldn't take long for that to annoy the hell out him, especially in this new world. He tended to let Hershel deal with the people who always seemed to have the least important issues and thoughts. He had to think about keeping people alive and fed not concern himself with how they were feeling or their existential thoughts.

"You're welcome," she said softly and looked down at her hands. Everyone stared at her and smiled. She seemed to be uncomfortable with the attention. That, he could identify with. He felt like he'd been the center of attention from the moment he was saved after waking up in that hospital. Morgan, the camp outside of Atlanta, and the prison. The spotlight only became brighter and more intense the more people he was responsible for protecting and leading.

"You gave me medicine. Do you have a lot?"

She nodded. "Oh yes." Her glasses slid down her nose and she pushed them back up on the bridge of her nose.

"How do you have so much?" He recalled the time at the prison Hershel was reduced to picking berries to try keep people alive long enough for Daryl to return with medication.

"We make some. We hit a few pharmacies, drug stores, and an apothecary pretty early on. And the run crews brought back whatever they found." She shrugged. "Never know what you'll need. Better to have something you don't need than not have something that could save your life. And even what you don't need sometimes can come in handy. My dad had these VHS tapes of MacGyver, the old TV show, and I would watch them. It's amazing the number of alternate things beside their main purpose things can be used for."

The room was lulled into silence until Judith brought everyone back to life with her squeals. Denise was thorough and even wrote out discharge notes. They kept medical records on everyone they gave an aspirin to and tracked every medicine and bandage. This place was even more together than they could dream of being back at the prison.

The sun was bright, so that than we he stepped outside he squinted until his eyes adjusted. He looked around and he could feel his body tense from the new environment, the unknown that could appear from any corner. He saw two people standing on a porch. Were they friendly or were they dangerous? Who made up the community? Were they all like-minded people or was it a mix? In his experience, it didn't do well to have people who didn't have the same philosophy about handling this is this new world.

They walked down the sidewalk, Carl pushing an empty stroller just ahead of them as Rick held Judith. There were homes, beautifully maintained with flower beds and manicured lawns. The streets were clean. There was order. The appearance helped keep this place as safe as he was told it was. He knew that for a fact without remembering anything about his life in this ethereal place. Filth bred lawlessness; it caused a lack of community where people stopped looking out for each other.

"It's good that this place is so homelike. That helps a lot," Rick said.

"Keep the windows in tact, keep society in tact," she said with a smile.

He laughed. "How do you know about the broken window theory?"

"You talked about it all the time back home." She looked in his eyes. "I always listened to everything you had to say."

He was addicted to policing and always wanted to end his day knowing he did a great job, hoping he made a difference. He enjoyed what he did, helping people and making the community, his community, safe for many reasons but always for his family. In some ways, his passion made him more like Barney Fife than Crockett and Tubbs. Even though the world changed drastically, going through his day with his family's well-being on his mind hadn't changed.

"How big is this place?" He walked with his head on a swivel. It was hard to believe them when they said this place was secure. Secure by whose standards? They were walking without anyone having their back.

"There are fifteen houses. Twelve are occupied. Denise's house serves as the infirmary. Olivia's house serves as the pantry. She's kind of like the supply person. Food, weapons, ammunition, books, toilet paper, washing detergent, soap, the vehicle keys. You name it, she tracks it."

"Toilet paper, soap, electricity." He shook his head. "I never thought I'd see any of that again."

"Neither did I. But you kept searching, fighting, making the decisions that got us here. You believed. Maybe even when you didn't, you never let us stop believing that this was possible, that it was okay to believe that we could be safe. Though you were more than hesitant about this place."

"Well, if it sounds too good to be true," he said.

"That was your thoughts and I understood it."

This place sounded like heaven on Earth but based on the stories from Carl and Hershel they had to travel a road of hell to get here. Apparently it was a death march from the time they lost the prison to Alexandria. Cannibals, kidnapping, lost family members, sleeping in barns, feet so swollen socks were stuck to blistered, bloody flesh. He couldn't remember those hardships but he still managed to feel guilty that his people experienced it.

"There are eight brownstones and one completed apartment building containing six apartments."

"Where do our people live? Are we close together?" Togetherness and numbers were key.

"We're in a home. Carol lives with us. It's beautiful. It's the kind of house we would drive by with Carl asleep in his car seat and imagine as our own. Maggie, Glenn, Tara, and Sasha live next door. Next door to them is Aaron, the guy who found us and brought us here, and his boyfriend Eric."

He noticed Michonne on the other side of the street. As usual, she walked with a purpose. Her stride was quick and she looked straight ahead. She could be going nowhere in particular with nothing to do and she still walked like she was on a mission. She lived a purposeful life, even if he didn't know much about it before he met her. One thing was certain, with as little as he knew, it was a lot to someone like her and he was confident he knew more about her than anyone else in the group.

"Hey you," he called out. It's how they always greeted each other. "Where are you headed?"

She turned and stopped walking. "Hey yourself." She smiled briefly before it disappeared. That was her, give a little light and then it's like she realized she showed her hand and went back to her poker face.

He made a beeline for her. There was no need to check for traffic because the sidewalk and streets were empty. For there to be as many people as Carl mentioned and not to see half that unnerved him.

"Rick, we should get you home," Lori said.

"I'm fine." He kept walking without a look back.

She didn't have her sword but she did have a pistol in her holster. Were they that comfortable that she was without her security blanket? Even with a gun, he never thought he'd see a day without that sword within two feet of her.

"Where's your sword?"

"Back at my place. I see you escaped bed rest."

"I couldn't take another moment." He looked over his shoulder briefly then looked back at her and groaned. "Here comes Warden Grimes now. Won't let me out of her sight."

"Doesn't surprise me."

Lori and Carl followed him across the street and joined them.

"Hey, Michonne," Carl said, his voice was a bit glum, probably the teenager in him.

"Carl." She briefly played with his hair. "You need a haircut."

He smiled. "Nah. I like it long."

Michonne looked skeptical.

"I won't let it get longer than this."

"We'll have to negotiate."

She leaned toward Rick slightly. "Hello, Judith." She gave the little one a wave then tickled her.

Judith giggled and waved back as she pulled away from Rick and leaned toward Michonne.

"Here," Lori said. "Let me take her. She's not the little peanut she was before, Rick. She's the best-fed person in town."

He laughed. "I noticed."

Michonne stepped back. "Lori."

"Michonne. How are you?"

"Making it."

Some things would never change. Even a confined space couldn't get Lori and Michonne to behave as anything more than associates. These two were never enemies but they were so different it didn't seem realistic for them to even spend much time together other than out of necessity. Lori and Carol were different kind of women than Michonne, and say, Andrea. If he recalled correctly, Maggie was the only one that seemed to effortlessly straddle both sides of that line.

"Where you headed?" Rick asked.

"Weekly meeting with a few people to go over a few things. Nothing important."

"Michonne is one of the representatives," Carl said. "She's like a governor."

Michonne smiled at him. "More like a senator if we're using old world terms. Deanna would be the equivalent of a governor I suppose. Or maybe a mayor?"

"What did I do? Was I a representative too?"

Michonne laughed. "Diplomat Grimes. Deescalating issues. Using his words. Now tell me, does that sound like you?"

He laughed. That was a valid point there. She always had a way of telling him about himself without making him feel like shit. He may have a gap year in his brain but their banter was still as quick as ever. The good thing was that he was self-aware in no small part thanks to her and Hershel. "No," he said with a shake of his head. "No, it doesn't. Maybe I can tag along."

He smiled at her. She stared back without a smile but her expression was pleasant.

Lori wrapped her arm around his waist. "Rick, you don't need to worry about that now. Everyone has everything under control. You need to relax. You have earned a break. Let's get you home so I can take care of you."

"That sounds like a good idea," Michonne said. "I have to get going. I don't want to be late for my meeting."

"Stop by. I'm guessing you know where I live. Let's catch up. You can fill in the rest of the blanks for me."

She smiled slightly at him then turned and walked away without a word.

"That wasn't an invitation. That was an order," he said as he watched her walk off. "It's not like you can hide from me for too long inside these walls."

"I'll try," she said without turning around.

"To come over or hide?" He called out after her.

She turned around to face him but continued walking, backwards and away from him. She gave him and a smile and shrug. Same coy friend.

Carl grabbed Judith out of Lori's hands and placed her down on the street. "Judith and I will see you later. Gonna take her for a walk. She likes it," he said as he looked at his father.

She was hyper and moved as fast, but unsteady, as her little legs could take her toward a teenage girl in the distance who squatted down with her arms outstretched waiting on Judith.

"Who is that?" He asked Lori as he continued to watch Carl and Judith.

"Enid. I think she may be Carl's girlfriend or something. He doesn't really talk about her. He says they're just friends."

"Girlfriend?" He chuckled. "That's a whole new monster."

"Excuse you," Lori said with a laugh.

"If he thought walkers were tough."

"Yeah, I do have to agree with that. That boy doesn't know if he's coming or going." She turned to him. "Let's get you home."

He shook his head. "I'm stir crazy. I've been in bed for days and my body feels it. I wanna get a look at this place. You can go home. I'll be there."

"And how are you going to know which one? There are no names on the mailbox."

"You can show or I'm sure it's common knowledge around here. I'm sure if I ask someone where I live they can show me."

"I'll give you the tour."

"That works."

"I can't believe this is life now. This place doesn't seem real. Homes in a gated community." He was looking at a gazebo down by a lake. One of those man-made lakes but no less impressive. The sky was blue, the sun was out and suddenly a group of kids went running past them laughing and screaming.

"I guess you do have to get used to this all over again." She let out a deep breath. "But a year later and I still don't take it for granted. I still thank God for this each and every day. I'm thankful Judith's cry is no longer a signal for death and she grew up to learn to walk. I wasn't sure any of us would last long enough to see her do that. And Carl can have friends. We can sleep through the night without one eye open or waking up every hour or so out of fear and nightmares. We've had some bumps in the road but we came out on top. Thanks to you."

"Thanks to me?"

"Before we got here they didn't allow anyone to walk around with guns."

"What?" He frowned. His heart was beating just a bit faster. He saw Michonne with one. It reminded him he didn't have one at that moment.

"Not anymore. You told Deanna that wasn't possible. It wasn't smart. It changed when a few drifters, I guess you could call them, got inside the walls and no one had weapons. They killed a few of the Alexandrians, including her husband, because they didn't know how to defend themselves. They didn't see how savage people could be but since then she's listened to everything you said. She may be the leader, but you're the Dick Cheney to her W."

"And there are always guards up there?"

There were two people up there. He didn't recognize them. But they both had rifles and one of them had a set of binoculars. There was another person by the gate, pacing back and forth.

"Yep. That's Spencer and Rosita. He's Deanna's son. Eugene is the one down there by the fence. He, Rosita, Abraham, and Tara connected with us after the prison fell. Sasha and Andrea are in charge of the guard shifts and gun training."

"Makes sense." They were two of their best shots. Women, especially ones that never held a weapon before, tended to be the best learners. They didn't have any bad habits to break or Dirty Harry dreams to fulfill. They just did what they were told. That generally led to an expert marksman.

He could hear banging not too far away and what sounded like a drill or a saw.

"What's going on out there?" He nodded his head toward the walls.

"The construction crew is adding a guest house. It will have it's own fence surrounding it for protection but won't have entry into the main community. A guy was brought in to be part of the community but he didn't work out. That guest house is just in case. It doesn't have the electricity or amenities like in here but it's safe."

"Who's in charge of construction?"

"Abraham."

"Abraham? You said he was one of us before we got here, right?"

"Yes. Abraham, Eugene, and Rosita had made it from Texas to Georgia. They were headed to D.C." She laughed. "I'll tell you about that some other time."

It seemed like all their people were in charge of very important things. His people weren't dead weight. They earned their keep. Working together in the prison, and surely on the road, brought out everyone's best.

"Are we the only ones working? What do their people do?"

"Everything," she said. "It's just that our people are in charge."

"Why's that?"

"They just aren't as skilled for this world as you and the rest of the group. Most of them have been behind these walls from the very beginning with electricity and food and medicine and clean clothes. They had no idea. Still don't really. At least, no idea about how you must live out there. It's why they brought us in. They knew they needed people who had been out there. Who knew how to handle things."

"Lori, hello."

He turned at the sound of the voice behind them.

"Hi," Rick said. "Rick Grimes." He was probably friends with this guy. He knew Lori's name but Rick didn't know him at this moment and his instinct to protect took over as he stepped in front of Lori and shielded her slightly from this guy. This guy came up on them without him hearing a sound. He looked down and noticed his sneakers.

"I'm Ross Hendricks. I heard you lost some of your memory."

News traveled fast around here. He was about Rick's height. He seemed like the kind of guy that was unfazed by the world outside these walls. Ignorant of the threat of people killing your friends and coming back for you in a painful ongoing war. He was relaxed and calm. He looked as if he smiled because he was happy, not because he was hiding the damage or depravity.

"Nice to meet you. What do you do around here?"

He was smiling and staring at Lori before turning his focus back to Rick. "With a lot of assistance from Hershel, I oversee the crops. I was a chemist before. I try to use those skills when I'm not a farmer but I'm mostly trying to be a farmer."

"Not trying," Lori said with a smile. "Best tomatoes and cucumbers I've ever had."

"I saw those fields. It's pretty big. You two handle it alone?" Rick asked.

"No. There are four others. It's honest, good hard work. Can't say I fully appreciated the type before the world collapsed but I love going to bed at night knowing I did something that helps. It's a fair trade to be in this place with these people." He smiled.

Rick looked him up and down. He wasn't sure why this guy felt the need to give him that spiel. Maybe they weren't friends before he lost his memory. Or maybe he was reminding him since he lost his memory. Suspicion had served Rick well for a long time. He needed to be even more suspicious now that he was at the disadvantage. People knew him but he didn't know them.

"Ross actually created what we call walker cologne."

"Walker cologne?" Rick frowned.

"Yes, instead of gutting walkers and smearing them all over us we just use some of the spray he created. It still stinks but it's better than being covered in that stuff."

"And this spray," Rick said. "It works?"

"It definitely does. Daryl and the runners who go outside the walls often swear by it." Lori nodded.

Ross laughed. "The chemicals were used to train cadaver dogs. I figured there had to be a connection. With some tweaking of a few formulas it worked."

"How do you make it?"

"Mostly with decomposing bodies. Plus, no one cared about the chemistry departments in the colleges so we brought back a lot of stuff for a nerd like me."

"And a little goes a long way," Lori said as she laughed.

"Well, it's good to see you awake and okay, Rick. Everyone was worried about you," he said as he glanced at Lori. "Are you bringing Judith to the party Saturday?"

"Not sure," Lori said. "I'm just thinking of playing everything by ear since Rick woke up. The kids are excited to have him back."

"Well, I hope you guys can make it. I'm sure Judith will love it. We're going to have the kids' playground ready by then. See you around." With a wave and a nod, Ross was off.

Rick nodded. Lori looped her arm around his and they started walking again.

"He seems like a good guy."

Lori nodded. "He is. Everyone here is nice. It was rocky at first."

"How so?"

"People thought you were crazy. The rest of us tried to fit in but you were all about letting your crazy flag fly." She laughed. "You constantly reminded them of the danger they knew nothing about. It made them uncomfortable. Scared the hell out of them. Most of them wanted you gone."

"Scared makes you vigilant. Keeps you alive."

"That was hard to hear from people who never saw outside these walls. They thought a wall was the only thing they needed."

"Well, I do have a way with people."

"That, you do." She laughed.

He may have lost the last year of his life but that part of him he knew. When they lost the farm he became obsessed with making sure they remained safe. If it meant killing inmates and getting rid of newcomers, so be it. If it meant not winning any nice guy awards he was okay with that. His concern always was and always would be his people.


	6. Chapter 5: Tuesday Heartbreak

**_A/N:_ **_Thanks for reading everyone. I appreciate you taking the time to read, follow, comment, and favorite._ **  
** _darkdreamspell - Thanks for reading.  
_ _La Phoenix - I'm glad you're enjoying the slow build up.  
atm0000 - Correct, none of the awkwardness and pain went away with Rick's amnesia. It will show itself.  
simple1234 - thank you for reading  
_ _Guest - here is how Michonne is doing._

* * *

 **Chapter 5: Tuesday Heartbreak  
Michonne  
Tuesday**

"Michonne?"

Her eyes landed on a smiling Deanna staring at her. Concentration was hard to come by since her run-in with Rick on the street an hour ago. She wondered how she would handle seeing him, what she would say, how she would feel but nothing prepared her for the pain of being seen as just another face. It was a rapid fire of emotions that rendered her silent and almost motionless. But in her mind she cursed Lori for her selfishness and prayed for Rick to regain his memory soon. She believed anything other than doing what was best for Rick would be taking advantage of Rick. She owed it to him to put him first. Honestly, she didn't know what was best for Rick. But standing before him, with him smiling at her and being nice and Lori marking her territory was hard to accept and it made her rethink her decision. She should have listened to Andrea and made it her business to tell Rick the truth.

Maggie, Aaron, Abraham, Olivia, Sasha, and Deanna all stared at her as well. It was Deanna's weekly cabinet meeting to discuss all aspects of a vibrant and thriving community. They each gave a status on expansion, supplies, security, and trade. It was definitely right up Deanna's wheelhouse. It's what she knew. Having some semblance of what she did in the past probably gave her some comfort in this time of fear and anguish, especially with the loss of her husband and son. Michonne tried not to judge; it was no different than the council back at the prison, just more formal. Rick thought it pompous, Michonne thought it necessary. Symbolism and figureheads mattered. It was vital for the Alexandrians to see that she hadn't given up. If she gave up then they would probably do the same.

"I'm sorry," she said as she looked down in front of her glancing over her written notes looking for a clue as to what they had been discussing. She turned the paper over when she noticed she had scribbled Rick's name on it a few times. She looked to her right, at Maggie, and wondered if she saw her lovelorn doodles.

"No worries," Deanna said. "We've accomplished a lot today. We'll pick up with that final issue next time people. I'm sure you all have things to handle before the day ends. Dismissed."

Michonne stood and gathered her things quickly hoping to make an unimpeded exit back to her office. This wasn't her. She always had her shit together, especially when discussing business whether in the old world or the new one, but all through that meeting she had visions of herself running into a bathroom and crying. Crying for the loss of her new life that brought her so much happiness. For the loss of the love of her life.

"Hey," Maggie whispered as she placed her hand on Michonne's shoulder. "Got a minute to talk?"

She nodded and walked towards the door, Maggie on her heels. She knew exactly what this was about. Maggie was one of the few people who felt comfortable talking to her about something as personal as her relationship with Rick.

"Michonne, do you have a minute?" Deanna asked.

She looked over at Deanna and she still had that same saccharine smile. "Sure." She turned to Maggie. "Wait in my office."

Maggie gave her arm and squeeze before leaving and closing the door behind her.

"Have a seat," Deanna said once the conference room was cleared. She grabbed a butter knife and cut the last peanut butter oatmeal bar in half. She bit into one half while pushing the plate with the other half in front of Michonne. "Please. It'll make me feel better about myself."

Michonne sat to her left, her back to the door. "Thank you." She took it only to appease Deanna. "I'm sorry about spacing out. It's been..." She wasn't one to give excuses. They always sounded like just that..excuses and excuses were pathetic. "It won't happen again."

"That's not why I asked you to stay behind. I wanted to know how you're doing. I saw Rick yesterday."

Just the mention of his name. The effect of what hearing his name had on her changed quickly. Days ago his name put a smile on her lips and caused those cliche butterflies in her stomach. Now it was sadness, pain, and to be honest, some anger. Why couldn't he remember their love? She couldn't imagine not remembering him. After all they had been through, all they shared at the prison, let alone on the road and Alexandria and she wasn't memorable. As quick as she resented him and his unreliable memory she had to check herself for her immature thinking. Rick had amnesia; he couldn't help not remembering her. Still, it hurt no less.

"I know he doesn't remember the last year. Being here in Alexandria."

She nodded her head slightly as she stared at the sticky bar in her hand.

"That means he doesn't remember his relationship with you. What are we going to do about that?"

It was hardly a surprise Deanna felt comfortable saying exactly what she felt. That's how she ran things. Imagine it wasn't possible for a meek woman to become a member of Congress without a rather large set of brass balls.

Right now very few people knew about Rick's condition but soon everyone would know Rick left her for Lori if he didn't regain his memory. Some would call it karma because in their eyes he left Lori for her. Of those who felt that way, it was mostly women. The side eyes, the whispers, the busy schedules that made them leave when Michonne arrived. There weren't a lot of them and most of them had no influence but it was noticeable to Michonne even if Rick thought it was all her imagination. She felt confident his marriage was over long before she saw him as more, before she allowed herself to dream about him. It was over back in the prison when she was the one working hard for their reconciliation. However, despite doing nothing wrong she suffered with bouts of guilt. Any decent woman would, right?

"Maggie is waiting on me."

Deanna nodded, smile still there. "Okay." Her voice was gentle as if talking to a small child, frightened child.

Michonne wondered if that was the politician in her, always smiling. She appreciated what Deanna was trying to do by offering her support, but she didn't want to talk about it with her. She didn't want to talk about it with Andrea but had no choice because it was Andrea. She wasn't dying to talk about it with Maggie because there was no doubt that's what she wanted to talk about. Hell, she didn't even want to work through her feelings on the situation in her own head. This was a nightmare, being forced to talk about her feelings and her love life. She loved these women but her pride was hurt and her heart broken. That was hard to face.

She went to her office and closed the door, tossing the melting peanut butter bar in the trash on her way to her desk.

"What was that about?" Maggie asked.

She ungraciously collapsed then reclined back in her chair and closed her eyes. "Take one guess."

"Rick?"

"Yep." She wiped her fingers on a scrap piece of paper.

"What are you going to tell people?" Maggie asked.

"I'm not going to tell anyone anything."

"What?" She leaned forward. "That can be very awkward."

"Then it'll _be_ awkward. This is my personal life."

"It's not that simple. This isn't how things used to be. The world is different. The slightest change makes people uncomfortable. Stability is one of the key reasons we make it."

"And who I share a bed with affects that?" She stared at Maggie.

"In a way."

She was speechless. She wasn't interested in her relationship being the subject of community gossip and she definitely didn't feel it was a security issue. When Reg died the community was on an emotional roller coaster because the walls had been breached and people were killed, not because Deanna was suddenly a widow.

"We don't need the Rick from a year ago who almost got us kicked out before we unpacked our things."

"He won't be that Rick. He will see the rest of us committed and integrated. We'll all make sure he understands we're safe. We'll tell him everything that's happened the last year."

"Not _everything_ ," Maggie mumbled.

She sighed. "If things are a bit shaky we'll address it. I can talk him out of anything crazy without being his..." She sighed. "He still remembers me as a friend."

"But for now? Your relationship?"

"Is no one's business. Hershel, Denise, Carl, Lori, Deanna, Andrea, me, you, and I'm sure Glenn are the only ones who know." She knew Maggie couldn't keep that from Glenn and she didn't really expect her to. "For now Lori answers whatever questions he may have. She's the one who wants it this way."

"We don't want someone to randomly mention to him that he's really in love with you. It's a delicate situation he's in. I just feel so bad for him. I don't think it's fair for him to be in the dark about this."

Her situation was pretty delicate too and that was putting it mildly. "I'm sure Lori has it all worked out." She stood. "I need to get going Maggie. I'll see you around." She walked out of her office without another word or even a look back. She loved Maggie but she wanted to have some strategy meeting over Michonne's relationship status while Michonne was still fighting to not destroy everything in front of her. Since giving her heart to Rick she wasn't the same. She felt every emotion times one thousand and right now she was fighting hard for that emotion to not be rage. She was fighting to not break because she was supposed to be unbreakable.

She didn't bother to wait for Maggie as she left her office and strolled through the neighborhood. She found herself sitting in the gazebo in the back of Alexandria. There were three throughout the community but this was the one where she and Rick would sit and talk. Nothing they did when they first arrived was inappropriate or required privacy but neither of them was fond of being watched. They just felt more safe, able to talk freely, without others around. They had some pretty important moments at this gazebo.

After a couple of laps around the community she started attracting attention. Facing people who could talk wasn't high on her list so she relieved Rosita and Spencer from the remainder of their shift for the sake of a few hours peace. She spent her time taking out walkers, imagining a couple of them were Lori.

Dinner that evening was at Andrea's apartment. It was a one-bedroom on the third floor, which was the top floor, of the apartment building. Father Gabriel lived across the hall from her. Hershel lived on the first floor and Daryl lived across the hall from him. Andrea and Michonne were once room mates in the townhouse but once Rick moved in it took less than a week before their fun as a new couple drove Andrea to seek peace and quiet somewhere else.

"I don't understand you, Michonne. He's home with her right now. In a matter of hours he could be in bed with her. Having sex with her." She placed a plate before Michonne then sat down with her own.

"Thanks for putting the thought in my head." She poked at the cucumber and tomato salad.

"As if that hasn't been in your head since the moment he told you he was going back to her." She slid a bowl of macaroni and cheese in front of Michonne.

It was in her head. It was the nightmare that wouldn't allow her to sleep. It was the daydream that made it impossible to focus during her meeting earlier that day. She hoped he would regain his memory before Denise and Hershel released him. She hoped he would remember he was supposed to come home to her. But that didn't happen and now her mind was full of images, some graphic, of Lori and Rick. She wondered if he would do with Lori the things he did with her. Would he pin her against the wall? Would he bend her over the cool marble kitchen counter and take her from behind?

Did he take a shower with her and let her stand in front so she wouldn't be cold? Did he sit on the couch with her and let her throw her legs over his lap and squeeze and rub her thigh as they read? Try to keep her in bed by spooning her and kissing her shoulder? Give her the last bite of whatever they were eating? Make her tea just the way she liked it? Michonne liked hers with milk and sugar. He never heard of such a thing but he made it that way for her anyway.

"You need to say something before he does something that changes things even after he gets his memory back."

"I don't know."

"You're just giving up. That's not like you."

"Andrea, he doesn't know who we are to each other. It wouldn't be right to expect him to share a bed with me."

"Why is it okay for him to sleep in a bed with her when we all know how he feels about her? What is it? You two weren't having problems, were you? Had you and Rick run the course before he lost his memory? That's it isn't it? That's why you're not saying anything."

"No. Slow down runaway train. I took a chance on love. Went all in. Risked being seen as a homewrecker for love because I knew it was real. I knew it was worth it; he was worth it. Run our course? Never."

At least not for her it hadn't run its course.

"Then why aren't you fighting for him?" Andrea looked frustrated.

"Andrea, you can't fight a lost memory and that's all I am to him. That's what our relationship is. It would put him in an unfair situation."

And she didn't want him because he had some sense of obligation to be to her what he was before his accident.

"The situation Lori has him in is unfair."

"Maybe so, but he woke up wanting to be with _her_. He knows they weren't together and it was his decision to go back to her."

"Fine, but he's not aware of what happened since the prison. He doesn't have all the facts so this isn't an informed decision. That's pretty important."

"Andrea, it's the way it is for now."

"I'm not comfortable with any of it."

"You don't have to be comfortable with it." She looked across the table at her friend. "Just don't interfere."

She knew Andrea, that was necessary to say. And maybe had it been any other woman Andrea would keep her nose out of it, but this was Lori and any chance Andrea got to stick it to her she would take. Michonne spent eight months hearing about horrible Lori. Cheating Lori. Irresponsible Lori. Stupid Lori. She almost expected to see a real life witch with a wart on her hooked nose carrying around a broomstick.

"What are you so afraid of Michonne? It wouldn't kill him to know you two were in a relationship. He won't go into some catatonic state. Just let him know and he can make the decision for himself. He may not be with you right away but he wouldn't be with her and that's just as important."

"What if I tell him and he thinks the idea of us is ridiculous?"

Andrea's face softened and her shoulders dropped. "You two were thick as thieves back at the prison."

"We were friends back at the prison. I don't doubt he understands that but we were so new when he lost his memory."

"But you two fell for each other long before you got together."

Michonne pushed her bowl of macaroni and cheese away from her. It wasn't real anyway. It was that wet boxed shit. They weren't starving anymore. She could afford to be this world's version of a foodie.

"Not at the prison and that's what he remembers."

She was willing to tell him. She wanted to tell him. Needed to tell him. Before she said anything, she would speak to Denise. It had only been a day since he woke up. And Hershel could give her some advice on how to handle this situation. What to say. When. How. Should she give him a little information at a time or rip off the band-aid in one swoop?

Andrea pointed her fork at Michonne. "Even if he can't remember your relationship he'd believe you. He respected you too much and trusted you too much to think you'd lie to him about something like this. Besides, he hates Lori. They're like _War of the Roses_."

Michonne was used to Andrea's hyperbole when it came to all things Lori. "He doesn't hate her. Not anymore." She poked at her food.

She was proud of Rick for having a more amiable relationship with Lori near the end of their time at the prison. She even saw the two of them laugh a few times. Now she felt like shit for insisting he make peace with her. Maybe had he remained viscerally angry with her, that would be the memory that stayed with him when he woke up. And now she felt like shit for being so selfish. He needed to forgive Lori for himself. For his own happiness because that anger was eating him from the inside out.

"She's the worst. She's horrible."

"Andrea, you can hold a grudge like it's a life preserver in the middle of the perfect storm."

Andrea laughed. "Only when it comes to her."

" _You_ hate her. I don't hate her. Rick doesn't hate her. Remember that." Truth was, she never had one bad thought about Lori. Even after all the conversations with Rick and listening to him complain about her it didn't make Michonne feel negatively toward her. Probably because as quickly as Rick would disparage her he would offer a reason for why she did what she did, said what she said, probably felt the way she felt.

That told her something about Lori and Rick. She wasn't a bad person and he was a great man. He still felt something for her enough to defend her to others. Maybe that something never left. Maybe it was still there and if it was, she didn't want to share his heart. Maybe he needed to give it the fair chance he never gave their marriage because of his anger. It was better to find out sooner rather than later. It would nag her forever now if this didn't play out. She had to know, no matter how much it would hurt, if there was any part of him that still loved Lori.

* * *

 ** _Back at the prison_**

 _"Just because I don't want her to die doesn't mean I want to spend my life with her anymore." Ricked looked at her. "However short that may be."_

 _"You act like you don't love her." Michonne shoved her katana through the fence and into the head of a particularly gruesome looking walker._

 _"Well, funny you should mention that since I told you I don't."_

 _"She's your wife. Of course you love her."_

 _"Not in the way you think. I care about her. She's Carl and Judith's mother. I'm not in love with her. She's not my best friend. The woman I want by my side."_

 _"Oh, got endless options, have you?"_

 _He smiled. "She doesn't look so bad." He pointed his machete at the walker on the other side of the fence. "I've never had a thing for blondes but a little lipstick..."_

 _"And her other eye and a nose..." Michonne offered with a shrug as she cocked her head to the side and stared at the walker in the mini dress with a denim vest._

 _He laughed. But s_ _he wouldn't allow him to take her down the rabbit hole of silly talk that she generally enjoyed with him, not when he was using it to avoid a serious conversation._

 _"She's your wife. You have a history. You loved each other once. You have kids. You're a family. There's a chance. Most of us will never have that. I just don't think you should walk away from that unless you're sure there is no way you can make it work. And I don't think you can say that because you've never given it a chance. Time doesn't heal wounds Rick; it just makes us indifferent."_

 _She knew she had him thinking. That's all she wanted him to do because she had the feeling he spent all his time trying to forget, trying to deny the possibility of a reconciliation because he wasn't prepared to do the hard work of putting his marriage back together._

 _"Isn't the possibility of your family back together again worth it?"_

 _"You know, when I was a kid my mother had a teacup her grandmother gave her. I wasn't supposed to touch it but I did. And I broke it. I tried to fix it. Used some of my dad's krazy glue. Every day I waited in torture for my parents to find out the truth. Days turned into months until finally, even I forgot it was broken. Then one day my mom picked it up, just randomly one day for no reason and with just a little pressure it crumbled in her hand. I didn't glue it as well as I thought I did." He looked over at her. "I learned you can never fully repair what's broken no matter how much you really, really want to. The cracks don't go away."_

 _She stared at him with her hand on her hip and a smirk on her face._

 _"What?"_

 _She shook her head. "Heavy-handed story. I get it. You think even if you get back together and it looks okay from the outside and from a distance that it won't change that there are some missing pieces that make it all fall apart." She laughed. "You really gotta work on your subtlety. A soft touch does a lot."_

 _"You're one to talk. You're about as subtle as a brick. Sooner or later true feelings have a way of showing themselves no matter how hard you try to hide them."_

 _"So, you're done. That's what you're saying?"_

 _"That's what I've been saying. I'm not good at the whole forgiving thing."_

 _"So it's not that you don't want to forgive her and try again, it's just you don't know if you can."_

 _"Michonne."_

 _"And I don't believe you, that you can't forgive. You're the guy that gave a crazy, closed off, kind of mean chick with a sword a chance. Trusted her to look after your kid while you took care of a man that tried to kill us. Welcomed back an old friend who was sleeping with the enemy."_

 _"You have so much faith in me." He rubbed the back of his neck. "More than I have in myself and when it comes to me and my marriage, more than you should have. Trust me." He sighed. "I'll see you later." He patted her on the shoulder as he walked past her._

 _She turned to watch him walk away and noticed Andrea headed her way. She could see Andrea smile and say something to Rick but he didn't break his stride like she did. Then she saw that confused, annoyed look on Andrea's face._

 _"Okay, he still doesn't trust me. I don't know what I have to do to prove I'm part of this group. I see Philip for who he was and I know I messed up. You forgive me. Even Glenn and Maggie. Why can't he?"_

 _She pushed her shoulders back and stretched. "Andrea, it's not about that."_

 _"Then what did I do?"_

 _"You ever think everything isn't about you?"_

 _"Not really." She smiled._

 _"Wow, but seriously it's_ _not about you at all."_

 _"Then what's the problem?" She placed her weight on her right leg and her hand on her hip. Her standard pose of defiance._

 _If she wasn't apologizing for him she was defending him. It was becoming a habit. "We were talking about stuff. He's frustrated. He's trying to work through some things."_

 _"What things?"_

 _She didn't answer. One thing she never did was betray Rick's trust by speaking of their talks and his feelings with others. It was her duty considering she pushed him to share. In his mind he had no one else to share these feelings with, to process things, and if he couldn't trust her then he would have no one. Some things he didn't like to share with Hershel for fear the older man would judge his inability to forgive and walk in the ways of a man of faith. If he bottled things up that not only wouldn't be good for him, it wouldn't be good for the group. Rick needed to decompress. When he let things build up the explosion was always massive and that created problems for everyone._

 _"Really, Michonne?" She sighed and looked back in Rick's direction. "You're not his therapist. You have to stop doing this."_

 _"Doing what?"_

 _"Listening to his marriage problems. Rick's a big boy and if he wanted to fix his marriage he would. He worked out their shit when we were on the farm so the fact that he hasn't this time tells me he doesn't want to. She doesn't deserve him anyway."_

 _"You have to get over this animosity you have toward her."_

 _"Why? You saw her when I came back, making a big deal of saying she was okay with me coming back like she was the deciding factor. Like I needed to be grateful to her."_

 _"It was already established. Rick, Daryl, Hershel, Maggie, Glenn, Carol - they all wanted you back."_

 _"Exactly why I didn't like her little show. Always a routine with her. Back on the farm, you know what she told me?"_

 _Michonne rolled her eyes. "That it would be best for you to wash clothes and cook and let the men handle the safety."_

 _"I mean, what kind of gender politics red state bullshit is that? Would you put up with someone telling you to do the cooking and cleaning?"_

 _Michonne laughed. "No, I would not. That was probably more about her own insecurity about her skills and usefulness. We're all just trying to make it Andrea. The best we can."_

 _"Yeah. Why are you standing up for her so much? It's not like she was the welcome wagon for you from what you said."_

 _"Again, people have a way of telling you more about themselves than you by how they treat you. So I don't take it personal. While you're out here, put that knife of yours to use and help me out here."_

 _"You're so bossy."_

 _"Pot," Michonne said as she pointed at Andrea. "Kettle," she said she pointed at herself._


	7. Chapter 6: Kernel

**A/N:** _Here we are at chapter 6 and it's Rick's first night out of the infirmary.  
Danesadie - chapter 5 was a favorite chapter for me as well. I'm glad you enjoyed it.  
To minton131 and the guest who loves Richonne but wants the drama to last a bit longer, I love that! Thanks for enjoying the ride._

* * *

 **Chapter 6: Kernel  
Lori  
Tuesday**

"That was good." Rick wiped his mouth. "And cloth napkins." He held it up for show before tossing it on the table. When he entered their home she had to laugh at his shock. She enjoyed showing him the house and all the little things, including the family picture she never took down from the mantle after he left.

"Nothing like the end of the world to lower expectations, right?" She laughed as she fed Judith.

She wanted this evening to be special so Carol helped her make a ham with her special recipe that included a can of cola. It would have been better, Carol said, if the cola was fresh, but it came out great along with the mashed potatoes, which were one of Rick's favorite foods. Ham. Not an owl or a snake or squirrel. Ham. Rick couldn't believe his eyes and she was thrilled.

"No." He placed his hand on his stomach. "It was great. Even better than those boars we used to catch in the snares back at the prison."

Cooking was never her strongest skill. In fact, she wasn't brilliant at anything domestic. And she wasn't exceptional at anything outside of the home either. She always felt insecure by being just good enough. There were a couple of women who made no secret of their interest in Rick back home. One owned a beauty salon and the other was a city councilwoman. To be a housewife and an average one at best, she always felt like she was one moment away from losing him. What was it she had to offer that would make Rick want to stay with her over all the other women out there? Near the end, before he was shot, she began to believe he stuck around for Carl and out of duty to his family. Failed marriages didn't happen in the Grimes family. His mother always reminded anyone who would listen there was never a divorce in the family tree. Lori knew Rick didn't want to be the first.

"Carl, tell your mother dinner was great."

"Yeah," Carl said as he stood with his plate and glass. "I'm going over to Leonard's."

Lori sighed. This was not the way she wanted the night to go.

"Who is Leonard?" Rick asked as he looked between her and Carl.

"He's a kid. Lives down the street with his mom. A few of the other kids are going to hang out there and play some games and stuff." He placed his dishes in the sink.

"Don't you want to stay in tonight? It's your dad's first night home." It was their first night back together as a family. They didn't eat together before Rick moved out. She felt like she was in a relationship with Carol and Rick was the friend sleeping in the guest bedroom.

Earlier that evening was how it was supposed to be. Rick and Carl playing with Judith as she cooked, hearing their little girl giggle at the hands of her father's tickles. Chased around the room by her big brother before finally hiding behind her dad for safety. This house was void of laughter and happiness like that, void of the warmth she dreamed of having since they were on the road after losing the farm.

Carl walked back over to the table. "He hasn't been gone forever. But I guess if you count before-"

"Carl." She knew he wasn't completely on board with Rick coming home instead of going to Michonne's but she did expect him to respect the arrangements.

He went over and placed his hand on his father's shoulder. "You don't care, do you dad?"

"Carl," Lori said as she hung her head. She didn't think it fair to put Rick in the position of being the bad guy and telling him no. He should be willing to sacrifice one night with his friends to be with his family after almost losing his father.

"No, he's right. He should go." Rick looked up at Carl. "Go. Have fun with your friends. What time will you be back?"

"Ten. Thanks." He ran his hand over Judith's hair. "Night, Judy. Make dad read you _The Very Hungry Caterpillar_."

"What?" Rick laughed as Judith clapped her hands.

Before anyone else could say a word he was gone.

"What was he talking about?"

"One of Judith's favorite bedtime stories. He should have stayed here. You just left the infirmary."

"He's acting like a regular teenager. I'll take it." He smiled. "And I remember a time when all you wanted was for him to be a kid. Besides, he's right. I only forgot the past year, I haven't been gone for a year. One night isn't going to make up for all those memories. I'm sure I'll get my memory back soon enough."

Would it be soon? Would he rediscover his love for her before he regained his memory? That's what she hoped for because she didn't think this thing through. She knew that. There was no end plan. There was no plan. There was just unbridled joy that she had a chance at love and redemption.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"It's been a year since we've been here and about the same amount of time since that horrible night when he was shot but it still makes me nervous when he's out of my sight. It's like every time he's out of my sight something horrible happens." She lifted Judith out of her high chair and sat her on her lap.

"Well," he said with a nod of his head at them. "You have Judith to watch over like that."

She held Judith tighter and kissed the top of her head.

"I still can't get over this place." He left the table and stood in the middle of the room. "It's so much like the way things used to be that at times, especially in this house, I imagine you forget what happened. It all seems so normal. So normal it's scary."

"Normal is scary?"

"Normal makes you weak and careless."

When they arrived home from the infirmary he looked in every room, turned on every faucet. When he opened the refrigerator and the light came on and there was food, she thought he might slip into a coma again from the shock.

"Yeah, it does make you feel like it's normal and safe and then I see Carl's eye patch and his gun." She held her head down. "It just seems like something always happens to our boy. He's just a kid. And I know we've all been through stuff but nothing like him, nothing so traumatic."

"I can't believe he was shot in the eye and he lived. I can't imagine what I did that night, seeing that. That's one moment, feelings, I don't want to remember. Carl is a man now. He's a survivor. He's strong."

"Just like his father. I think the only person who has been through as much as Carl is you. You feel everything everyone goes through and you take it on and vow to make it better. Like it's your mission. I didn't understand your need to do that before but I get it now. It wasn't just you, me, and Carl who were a family. All of us surviving were a family." She joined him near the couch with Judith on her hip. She rubbed his back. "You're my hero. We made it. We're here because of you."

"Not everyone. Beth, Tyreese, and Bob."

"Baby, there is nothing anyone could have done about that. It's not your fault when people die."

He grunted.

"We were all there. I know you don't remember but it was not your fault." She knew how hard it was for Rick when they lost someone. He never asked to be the leader but found himself in that position because someone needed to do it. Everyone always looked to him for answers and plans and when it didn't work out they blamed him. Even she did that. She blamed Rick when all he did was reunite with his family and try to do right by everyone who helped his family survive while he was in that hospital. But they never gave him credit for what didn't happen. That was just as important and he deserved to have that acknowledged.

"I'm going to wash the dishes," he said. No mention of what she just said to make him feel better.

"I'll get that."

"No, you cooked. I got it."

She couldn't remember the last time he ever offered to wash dishes back home. Like his father and grandfather and their wives, he believed his job was to provide for the family, maintain the lawn, and keep her car running while her job was all things domestic. He was trying just like she was to make this new chance at a family work. "Okay, well I'm going to take her up and give her a bath. Why don't you come upstairs when you're finished."

"Yeah."

She ran just enough water to cover Judith's legs and tossed in a couple of her bathtub toys.

When she walked into Judith's bedroom Rick was sitting on the bed. It was a last minute decision to make Carol's old room Judith's room. Part of her, actually most of her, hoped it would be even more incentive for Rick to join her in the master bedroom. The regular bed was still there, just pushed against the wall so Judith's crib was in the center of the room. She had plans to decorate the walls but she wanted to ask Deanna's permission. This was their home and she didn't hesitate to change the furniture around, a couch here and a chair there, but painting the walls was something different.

"Look daddy, all fresh and clean."

"I can't believe she has her own bedroom." He smiled as he looked up from Judith's book. "From prison cells to a four-bedroom house."

"Who knows. Maybe we'll take the White House next." She walked over and stood before Rick.

"Looks like you both had a bath."

Lori smiled. "She enjoys splashing." She handed Judith to Rick and sat down next to him on the bed with their backs against the wall.

"You smell great," he said to Judith and kissed her cheek. "And you look great, too," he said with a laugh.

"We took some old shirts and with a little cutting and sewing, made her a few nightgowns."

She wasn't sure if he even heard her because he was so caught up in Judith. There was a time when he wouldn't interact with her. She understood it. Though she held out hope otherwise, Judith was more than likely Shane's by biology but in all other ways, ways that mattered most, she was Rick's daughter. She had his name and he calmed her cries. Once he opened himself up to her he couldn't deny her. That made Lori want him even more. It sealed the deal; it reminded her that her husband was a good man that he loved as his own the child of the man that tried to kill him.

She placed her hand atop his hand that lay on Judith's stomach. "I'm just happy you're back with us, wherever we are."

"Nowhere else I want to be," he said as he continued to stare down at Judith, making faces at her.

It said it so casually but that took her breath away. She stared him. "Do you mean that?"

He looked up at her. "Yeah, yeah I do." He looked in her eyes. That look gave her hope because there was no disgust or hatred in his eyes when he looked at her. He hadn't looked at her so nice since they were on the farm. She stared in his eyes and couldn't help feeling overwhelmed by her emotions as she studied his face down to those lips she wished to kiss once again. Soon.

He broke eye contact. "Looks like she's down for the count," he said. "That was quick."

"It doesn't take her long to fall asleep anymore," Lori said as she gently ran her finger along Judith's cheek. "I think she's definitely adjusted to being here. She's even on a schedule."

She stood up and leaned over, gently taking Judith from his arms and placing her in the crib. Her body responded not to a touch but by the sheer presence of Rick being near her as he joined her in staring down at Judith. Judith meant the world to them.

"She's so beautiful," Rick said. "You did good. I don't know if I ever told you that, but you did good."

"Watching her sleep reminds me of watching for the rise and fall of Carl's chest when he was a baby and when he was shot...the first and second time. They'll always be my babies."

Out of the corner of her eye she could see him rolling his head and adjusting his shoulders. "She's got a good idea," Lori said as she placed her hand on Rick's back. "It's been one long day. I think it's time for bed." She walked to the door but when he wasn't behind her she froze. "You coming to bed? I'll even throw in a massage. I bet you could use it."

He licked his lips and cocked his head to the side just slightly as he stared at Lori. "I, I think I'm going to sleep in here tonight. With her." He looked down into Judith's crib.

"Oh?" Her voice was low but the disappointment was loud and clear. She never imagined he wouldn't share a bed with her. It was his idea to reunite. Now she was feeling the sting of rejection from her own husband and the sad part was that it was all too familiar. What was surprising was how it hurt like it was the first time. She was used to this.

He walked over and ushered her out into the hallway. "I'm still here."

She nodded. "And I appreciate that." She looked up at him. "More than you know. I never thought we'd even be in the same room together exchanging words. I don't know how this works. I feel like I'm dating my husband." She leaned against the wall and hugged herself.

"One day at a time." He sighed and leaned against the opposite wall. "I've always wanted this to get better. Between us. I...I just didn't know how. The kids need...I just didn't know if I could...if, if _we_ could."

She could barely see his face, the only light was coming from the lamp in Judith's room.

"Baby, that's what I've always wanted too." She decided she would put her cards on the table because this may be her last attempt at making her marriage work. In fact, she would go all out. "I love you. I've always hoped that with enough time I would be able to make you see that."

"You're my family," he said.

"You're my joy. I just hope I can stop being your pain. I'm far from perfect but-"

He shook his head. "Stop doing that. Stop telling me why I shouldn't love you or what's wrong with you. I know you. I know who you are, what you're about, your mistakes. I don't need to be reminded. Just show me the you I fell in love with."

She nodded her head and looked down briefly before looking up at him. "I can do that."

He took a couple of steps forward. "I don't hate you. I forgave you even though I never said it. I'm sorry for that. I should have told you how I felt and I should have apologized for the way I treated you."

"You had nothing to apologize for."

"I did." He nodded. "I did. It was wrong the way I treated you. I had a lot to apologize for and I was too...I don't know...afraid, ashamed," he said with a shrug. "Too stubborn to admit it. So, I'm sorry."

"I saw some changes. I took those as apologies." She took a couple of steps forward and they were face to face, inches apart.

"Like what?"

"Like when you would make small talk with me about the kids, especially Judith. When you told me plans for the prison or let me know when you were going on runs." That was far from what they were when they first arrived at the prison. Most of the time he kept his distance. She had more connection with Hershel than her own husband. So those passing comments meant a lot to her back then and she clung to them as symbols of hope but she never pushed her luck by demanding more from him for fear he'd retreat back to the man who hated her.

She felt unsettled, even faint. She was afraid if she spoke again she'd stumble over her words. She found herself watching everything she said and did. He was so close she could she could feel the heat of his body. Her eyes closed as she stood before him just breathing.

"I'm going to get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning." He placed his hand on her shoulder.

She opened her eyes as her body stiffened. Her heart stopped or maybe it pounded. His touch sent a surge through her body from her shoulder down her spine. She bit her bottom lip momentarily before running her tongue over her lips.

He squeezed her shoulder. "Good night." Then he headed back into Judith's bedroom and closed the door.

Alone in the hallway she lifted her shoulder against her cheek, enjoying his touch for as long as she could. Maybe there is a tiny chance that he could completely love her again. She headed downstairs to wait for Carl hopeful that maybe they could heal.

Carol was standing at the sink with a glass of water in her hand. "I take it things are going well?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Couldn't be better." She ran her hand over her hair and held her head down as she braced herself on the kitchen counter.

"Today was his first day out of the infirmary and you're exhausted. It's only a matter of time. Don't you think?"

Lori remained silent.

"Have you even thought about it?" Carol placed the glass in the sink. "He's in a theater production and he doesn't even know he's the star. Rick is a proud man. I don't think he'll take kindly to this when he realizes what's going on."

All she knew was that she hadn't been this close to putting her family back together in a long time.

"He'll be mad at all of us, but you need to be the one to tell him Lori."

* * *

 _ **Back at the prison**_

 _Rick was standing with his back to her leaning on the shovel. He couldn't see her just yet, she was still out of his line of sight. So she watched him. Watched as he removed his work gloves and shoved them in his back pocket and then wiped his brow with his sleeve. Lately, this was his life. Digging, planting, farming. He enjoyed it. Never took him for the type but she never imagined she would ever accept going along with killing. The end of the world changed a lot of things about what was acceptable in exchange for living._

 _"Here, why don't you give him this."_

 _She turned to see Carol holding a bottle of water._

 _"It's really hot and he's been out there a while." She offered Lori a smile._

 _"Thanks."_

 _"Good luck." She walked off._

 _Her sham of a marriage was public knowledge. It hurt for everyone to know her husband wanted nothing to do with her. It had been so long since she and Rick exchanged words and even longer since he initiated some type of interaction between them._ _They had been in the prison for six months. They practically had joint custody of Judith and Carl. Sometimes Judith spent the night with Rick but most times she was with Lori. They never bonded with her as a couple._ _Lori took a deep breath._

 _"Hey," she said as she climbed up on the elevated grass on the courtyard near the basketball hoops._

 _He turned and faced her._

 _"Hershel said you wanted to talk to me?"_

 _He nodded and avoided eye contact as he normally did. He surveyed his work instead._

 _"I brought you some water. It's hot out here. You look like you could use it." She stepped closer and handed it to him before stepping back again. Of all the men in the prison, she was most uncomfortable around her own husband. He was like a powder keg waiting to explode and she didn't know what she would do to set him off so she always tread lightly around him. He didn't make her fear him. He wasn't that type of man to ever raise a hand to a woman but Rick could make anyone feel like the worst person in the world with just a look and a couple of words. It was heartbreaking how cruel it came across to her. Words and looks made lasting bruises on a woman's heart. It made her feel unworthy._

 _"Thanks," he said as he raised the bottle and then drank almost half in one gulp._

 _"Are you planting crops up here?" She raised her hand over her eyes to block out the sun. The sky was void of clouds. There was no chance of a reprieve, even a brief one, from the blazing sun. It was a hot day, hotter than even she was accustomed to as a Southern girl._

 _"No. I was already turning over soil today for the soybeans out there. Heard you and Carol mention a garden, flowers so..."_

 _"You did this for us?"_

 _He shrugged. "No big deal."_

 _"Thank you. It means a lot. I think the little kids will enjoy having a garden where they can help." She hugged her waist. Suddenly she laughed._

 _"What?"_

 _"Remember each year I'd try to grow a garden?"_

 _He smiled just a little but enough for her to notice._

 _"You used to tell me I had a brown thumb."_

 _"Pretty accurate."_

 _"Yeah, yeah it was._ _And then finally I tried to grow one thing at a time. I thought I'd grow one thing, get really good at it, and then move on to the next. Never did happen."_

 _"Maybe you should have started with something other than roses."_

 _"Probably."_

 _They smiled at each other. It was a nice moment and she was afraid that if she said something it would ruin the moment but if they didn't say anything the moment would be lost._

 _"I need to do some stuff out in the garden. Hope you enjoy your garden. I'll put out some tools for you guys to use." He walked off without a word._

 _She watched him as he left. It was brief and it was generic but it was something. Maybe it was a beginning. Rick had a heart bigger than any person she had ever known. It had been a while but he would have to forgive her. That was the kind of man he was. Sooner or later she knew he would come around._

 _"Hey, what's this?"_

 _She turned to see Beth holding Judith. "Rick cleared a space for a garden for me."_

 _"That's nice." She smiled. "That's real nice."_

 _Lori reached out and took Judith. "Yeah."_

 _"I thought she could use a little sun since she's been inside all day. Daddy says it's good for vitamin D or something like that."_

 _"Your father is right. Thanks for looking after her Beth. You're really good with her."_

 _"I love her." Her eyes widened. "I mean..."_

 _"We're family. That's what we do. We love, sweetheart."_

 _"_ _I heard Rick asking daddy if this would be a good spot to grow things._ _You and Rick, when you were on the farm I thought you guys were perfect. You could tell how much you love each other. And when he looks at you I can tell."_

 _"What can you tell?"_

 _"That he still loves you. Sometimes it's the hurt that makes us realize the love is still there."_

 _"Thanks." She adored Beth. She was soft-spoken and she didn't say much. Maybe that's why she observed so much. And she was willing to believe a seventeen-year-old's insight if that gave her hope for her marriage._


	8. Chapter 7: Illusions

**_Author's Note_ : **_I was on an almost two week hiatus from writing. Much needed. Still under the weather but better than I was last week. Thanks for the patience and reading and comments and support. I wasn't sure this would be a story people who enjoy.  
_ _Alexis - Adoro a sua análise. Continue lendo. Eu não acho que você vai ficar desapontado.  
_ _La Phoenix - reading your last comment was freaky!  
kenyangeminibunnie - don't catch a charge, lol.  
atm0000 - thank you for the kind words._

* * *

 **Chapter 7: Illusions  
Rick  
Wednesday**

Rick was in bed lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling. It took a while to fall asleep the night before. He heard Lori go back downstairs, presumably to wait for Carl, just as he did in Judith's room. It wasn't possible for a parent to fall asleep until their teenager was safely home. Being awake allowed his mind to race. He replayed last night's moments with Lori and he felt bad he couldn't give her what she wanted; not yet anyway. It simply didn't feel right. If he slept with her solely to prevent her from feeling bad it wouldn't be real and it wouldn't be fair to either one of them. They couldn't start this new chance with a lie. Some things he couldn't do just to make her happy, to put her at ease about their mess of a relationship. That was a path that didn't work; he tried it before. It was like putting a fresh coat of paint over mold. She was trying and so was he but it was awkward. It didn't feel natural.

It was dark out but he could tell the light was due to soon pierce the sky. Back in the day there would be thousands of cars on the road, people heading to their jobs, school buses full of children, now the only people outside the houses in the neighborhood were the guards on duty. The nightlight was still on. He looked to his left and saw Judith sitting up in the crib. He sat up and swung his feet onto the floor, feeling all the bumps and pains of a short but hard new world life. He stretched his arms over his head and listened to the familiar sounds of his body make noises signaling his age and wear and tear. Then he walked over to her crib.

"Looks like it's you, me, and the crickets." He picked her up and headed over to the changing table and grabbed a pull-up before lying her down. "This place has everything."

He wished he could remember it all. What happened after the prison fell? Where did they go? What was everyone's reaction when they arrived in Alexandia? He knew he didn't trust this place, no one needed to tell him that. That was the way he managed this new world, with distrust for the unknown. He imagined he wasn't the only one; Michonne probably hated the idea of this place as much as he did. They were usually on the same side, thinking the same things. He would go talk to her today. It felt like a lifetime since one of their chats. Even though she pushed him and made him say things he didn't want to admit to himself but he still enjoyed talking to her. There was a depth there he never experienced with anyone other than Hershel.

"Da da, da da, da da," Judith said, getting more hyper and louder each time she said it.

"I'm here. I'll always be here." He kissed her cheek. "Let's head downstairs and talk so you don't wake everyone up."

Carl's bedroom door was ajar and Rick nudged it open just a bit more so he could look inside. He could see a figure lying in the bed. He was still asleep, curled on his side and clutching one of his pillows. He never recalled him sleeping that way. He never even slept with a stuffed animal as a baby.

Once he and Judith were downstairs he fumbled around until he found a small lamp in the corner. He held her and stood before the window, looking out at the empty street and the sleeping community. After a year, he imagined they were safe but his mind, void of knowing that for certain for himself, wondered who his family was living with behind these walls. What did these people do before and how did they get here? The only new person he met was the guy that made the walker cologne; he couldn't remember his name.

He read Lori while they talked to him and for the most part she appeared as if he posed no danger but she wasn't completely relaxed. Years of seeing frightened women and children in domestic violence situations gave him an idea of the people around them. But she said he was a nice guy and she smiled when she said it so that seemed to conflict with his uneasy feeling.

He wanted to get out and see his people, see that they were okay for himself. He saw Hershel, Maggie, and Michonne. Glenn, Daryl, and Sasha had come to visit him the day he woke up from his coma but he still hadn't seen Andrea and Carol.

"Hey."

He turned to see Carol with a smile on her face. "Speak of the devil." Unlike he and Judith, who were still in pajamas, she was fully dressed down to her boots. She was always ready. Always looking out and over her shoulder. Sadly, that had as much to do with the old life as the new one.

She raised an eyebrow as she stood next to him. She ran her hand over the back of Judith's hair, paying extra attention to the curls at the nape of her neck.

He smiled. "I was just thinking of how I hadn't seen you since I left the infirmary yesterday."

"I was with a few of the other ladies. We cook meals for the elderly residents and for those who work long hours outside the walls and on projects that keep them busy."

"Projects?"

"Like the expansion they're working on. We provide them meals during the day and make sure those that need it have something to eat after."

That was nice but that wasn't all. He gave her his own look.

"And I wanted to give you, Lori, and the kids a little privacy yesterday. It worked out for both sides."

"Thank you, Carol. I appreciate that." He stared at her a moment longer than comfortable then turned his attention back to looking out the window at nothing.

She was different than the woman he first met. There was always something captivating about her even in silence. When Shane gave him the run down on everyone in the camp he told him how her husband abused her. He didn't even try to hide it. She changed from that meek person afraid of her own shadow. He watched her while they were on the road after the farm. She knew how to handle a weapon. She was stronger in those months after her husband was no longer around and after suffering the loss of her child. He held Judith tighter, not wanting to ever be able to relate to that pain. He imagined how much she changed in a year.

"So, how are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm fine. No headaches, no pain, no lingering issues."

"Other than amnesia," she said.

He nodded his head with a small smile. "Yeah other than that." And he wondered if he would ever get that year back. Did anything important happen? Having that year with Judith but not being able to recall those memories was frustrating. Was he there for her first steps? When she learned to crawl?

"You still don't remember anything about the last year?"

"No. I wish I did."

"Did Denise say it's permanent?"

"It could be or I could get my memory back."

"Did she give you a timetable?"

"No." Was this new for her? Interrogation? He didn't remember the quick and endless questions. "What are you doing up so early?"

"I've always been an early riser. My body was used to it. Never changed. Not even after there was no reason to."

Did she mean because she no longer had a husband and child to care for? He didn't have the nerve to ask. Maybe it was because he had manners enough not to.

"Do you need me to take Judith? Change her pull-up? I try to help with Judith when I can. She's my favorite person here."

"No, already covered. Thanks, Carol. And thanks for helping with her."

"Okay, I'm going for a walk." She smiled but it was uneasy. "See you later."

He figured she was trying to gauge where his head was for Lori. They were the closest of friends back at the prison and it didn't appear any of that had changed. He was sure everything he said to Carol would be relayed back to his wife.

"Hey Carol," he said and waited for her to look at him. "I may not remember, but I can tell from looking at her that Lori did a great job with Judith since the prison. She's a good mom."

She smiled. "Yes, she is."

She should know that. He never told her that enough.

xxx

The first sign of light was breaking the sky and after playing with Judith and watching her as she nodded off for twenty minutes he sat at the table and fed her oatmeal. Just as he put another spoonful in her mouth he heard footsteps on the stairs. Carl ambled over to them and sat on the other side of Judith.

"Did you even look at yourself before you came downstairs?" He laughed. Carl's hair was all over the place. He wasn't sure if he got dressed that morning or if he slept in his clothes.

"I didn't see Judith in her crib and then I saw the light on down here."

"We woke up early. Even went for a little walk." Not far, just three house down and back. He didn't feel comfortable walking an area he wasn't familiar with while he had Judith. Despite the year they had been here, he had been here, he didn't know it for himself. He didn't trust enough to be comfortable.

Carl frowned at Judith.

"What's wrong?" Rick asked.

"How did you get her to eat oatmeal? She hasn't been eating it lately. All she does is spit it out when we try to feed it to her so mom just stopped trying."

"Added something a little sweet. Strawberry jam. Not sure why your mom didn't try it. We did it with you all the time."

"What?" Carl frowned.

Actually it was that classic Carl look, something between a frown and a smile. He loved that expression on his son's face. Usually, good things were happening.

"Except for you it was cheese. Your mom put it on all your vegetables. Broccoli, creamed spinach, even your green beans."

"Gross."

"And then you were constipated all the time so she had to try something different." Rick laughed.

"Even more gross."

"Tell me about it. How was your night with your friends?"

He sighed, it was a heavy one and his laughter dissipated. "It was fine." He placed his hands on the table and picked at his fingernails. Back when things were normal his mother would have told him to clean them, now they were practically ready for surgery.

The mood in the room changed.

"Until?"

"Dakota came over." He slid down in his chair.

"Dakota?"

"She's a girl. She's been here about a month. Her dad doesn't usually let her out much because he's still nervous about her being around new people."

"Makes sense. So she's the new girl in town, huh?"

"Yep."

"Is she pretty?"

"Yep."

"I'm guessing Enid doesn't like that."

He looked up at Rick. "How do you know?"

"Same story, different cast." His boy went from Little League baseball to walkers and now he was dealing with girls. Life could be a bitch in so many ways. "So, do you like Dakota?"

A crimson flush crept across Carl's cheeks and he began to squirm in his chair. "She's nice."

"And how does she feel about you?"

"I don't know," he said with a shrug. "We get along. We have some things in common. But anytime I even talk to her Enid gets mad."

"Maybe Enid doesn't want you talking to Dakota because she sees something you don't see yet."

"What does that mean?"

"Carl, not every time a girl is jealous is because it's her imagination. Maybe something is there and Enid can tell. Maybe if you keep talking to this other girl-"

"Dakota."

Rick nodded. "Dakota. Maybe if you keep talking to Dakota, keep finding things in common, she keeps laughing at your jokes, you'll realize you like her as more than just a friend. It happens a lot. Things just seem to come out of nowhere until you realize they were there all along." He stood up and walked to the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee. "Want some?"

Carl shook his head. "I like Enid but I don't want to stop being friends with Dakota. And then there are times when Enid acts like she doesn't want anything to do with me. It's confusing. What should I do?"

"You should follow your heart." He sat back down and placed a sippy cup of juice in front of Judith.

He watched as she grabbed her cup. In that moment she reminded him so much of Carl. He would drink so much they would have to pull his bottle or cup from him or he'd forget to take a breath.

"So should you dad."

He looked over at Carl. "What?"

Carl sat up in his chair and leaned forward. His voice was a tad lower. "I know your head is messed up but your heart isn't telling you something? Anything?" He appeared desperate, maybe even a little annoyed. It reminded him of the times he wouldn't let Carl go out on runs or clear the prison. He was so determined.

"What do you mean?"

"I just mean...this...this wasn't the way life was before you got hurt and-"

"Hey, how come no one woke me up?" Lori appeared. "Ooh, coffee." She went into the kitchen and poured herself a cup. "Rick, want some?"

He held up his cup and shook his head. "I'm good."

"Why are these three eggs out?"

"I thought I'd make toad in the hole."

"Oh wow, I can't remember the last time we had those." Lori smiled.

Rick joined her in the kitchen pulling out a bowl, a pan, and utensils.

She poured herself a cup of coffee. "How did you sleep?"

"Okay. How about yourself?"

"I'm going to get Judith dressed so I can take her to daycare," Carl said as grabbed Judith.

"Thanks baby." Lori smiled. "Oh, that doesn't get you out of our talk. You were supposed to be back at ten and you didn't come home until eleven." She pulled away from Rick and leaned on the counter, focused on Carl.

"I was two doors down." He rolled his eyes. "You knew where I was."

"I know," Lori said. "so you're lucky I didn't come over and get you. I'm sure you wouldn't have liked that."

"Mom, I'm not a kid anymore. Besides," started walking away, "I don't think you're into anyone making a scene. Come on Judy."

"I'll have your breakfast ready when you come back down," Rick called after him.

Without another word he was gone. His conversation with his son wasn't over, in fact, Rick had the feeling they were just getting started when Lori joined them. To his knowledge, he and Carl hadn't had a serious talk about the fairer sex. There was so much he needed to know. It wasn't all about sex, though he knew that was coming sooner or later and there would be no way to stop it. Or had it already happened? He would go with it even though he'd never allow Judith to date before thirty if he was still walking this Earth. What Carl was going through now was harder to navigate and that was the heart. It was vulnerable and sensitive, easy to break and difficult to mend. When you give it freely, you realize it'll be hurt at some point and the first time wouldn't be the last.

"Why does she need to go to daycare?"

"I think it's good for her to socialize with other little kids. There are three other kids in her age range."

He was happy Carl had friends his age. The idea Judith having playmates her age, that other people were making the decision to have kids right now wasn't something he thought would be possible. Then again, he and Lori didn't choose either. Planned or not, babies never stopped being born.

"You're not going to worry about taking care of me are you?"

"I thought about it."

"I think I'm going to walk around the community." He cut the holes in the bread.

She frowned. "You think that's a good idea?"

"If you think I'm going to stay in bed half the day and the couch the other then you better think again." He shook his head. "I'm done lying around. Hell, I don't even know what I do around here."

"I just think you have time to take it slow. It's not like when we were out there. You can take your time. There's no rush."

"But I feel fine. It seems like it doesn't get slower than this. I won't be climbing any mountains. And don't let me keep you from whatever you do." He smiled. "In fact, what do you do?" He grabbed the butter out of the refrigerator.

"I help out in the pantry a couple of times a week and I pull some shifts at the daycare. Really, whatever needs to be done."

"What did I do?"

"You're the leader."

"Yeah, but what does that mean around here?"

"It means you're always busy. You're restless, that's just the type of person you are but managing everyone and everything, covering the bases, keeping us safe, that's what you do. And no one takes that lightly, not anymore."

"Not anymore?"

"Remember how I told you these people didn't get it?"

He nodded.

"But when those people attacked and when those walkers attacked they realized what's out there real quick and they've never doubted you since. And between Ross making antibiotics and growing the crops with Hershel, Eugene making bullets, Aaron and Deanna making trade deals with those other communities, we're not struggling. We don't want or need for anything."

"Making bullets?"

"Yeah, I can't tell you how. I heard Eugene explain it once and he might as well have been speaking Chinese. He'll be more than happy to enlighten you on his intelligence."

"I'd definitely like to see that. Seems like a game changer."

"Made all you gun nuts happy and that sadly includes my son." She took one of the small circles of bread and spread a little butter on it before popping it in her mouth. "Remember the first time you made these for Carl? When we went to the county fair?"

He laughed. "That was a fun day."

"You won me that huge stuffed zebra."

"That you wanted so bad. It cost me five times what it would have cost me to buy in the store and then I had to lug it around all day."

"Hey," she said with a laugh. "I made it up to you all night if I remember."

He did remember. That was kind of an unforgettable night in their young marriage. It was a good thing he had the next day off because he have the energy to do much of anything that next day. Her looked over to see her smiling at him and he couldn't help but smile as well. Why couldn't this work back at the prison? Suddenly, he couldn't understand why they couldn't overcome their problems. She broke eye contact and looked down tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear.

"That was a good night," she said softly.

He cleared his throat. "Yeah."

He didn't want to go there with her. Bring up those memories because he was sure he could do nothing about them. Instead, he focused on breakfast with a devotion that eggs and bread didn't require. Carl inhaled his breakfast in three bites and his attitude toward Lori continued. It felt like more than teenage moodiness. After breakfast he had to practically sneak out of the house when Lori went upstairs.

It felt good to walk around this place in the light of day without a guide. It was time for things to get back to normal.

"Hey Rick."

He stared at the woman who walked up to him. Her smile was a bit creepy along with the way she stared at him.

"Tara. I'm Tara."

"Hi. I'm sorry. You have me at a bit of a disadvantage." He could learn names but he didn't remember their history. Did she like him? Did he like her? Was she on his side? He would never feel comfortable until he knew these things for himself.

"It's cool. I understand. It must be awkward not remembering. Gotta be hard on a relationship."

"Yeah, a bit."

"Just saw Michonne. She's happy you're awake. As much as I can tell. You know she's never very open. Not like she is with you."

It was obvious to everyone Michonne and Rick were close. That they could almost carry on an entire conversation with looks and facial expressions was a running joke. Must have been obvious to those they met after the prison. It all came down to knowing someone. Understanding where they were coming from and what they wanted. What motivated them. What meant the most to them. It wasn't all that special. It was natural when you didn't just talk to someone but you listened to them.

"Good thing she wasn't here when you were in the coma. She would have been worried sick. Sitting at your bedside the same way you did when Carl was shot."

"Uh yeah. I need to go. Nice meeting you, uh seeing you, Tara."

He walked away quickly to nowhere in particular. He just needed to get away. It made him uneasy to hear her mention Carl and talk about Michonne when really this woman was nothing more than a stranger to him.

* * *

 ** _Back at the prison_**

 _He sat on the warden's desk with his head in his hands. Tears ran down his face._

 _"My son. I've lost him and I don't know if I can get him back."_

 _He could feel Michonne sit next to him._

 _"He did what he thought he had to do."_

 _Carl killed a teenager from Woodbury who helped in the attack on the prison. Had it been anyone but Hershel who told him the kill wasn't necessary he wouldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it from Hershel. Even as his son became proficient with a gun he never thought about how that would change Carl as a person._

 _"No, I...I used to say the same thing but I'm not so sure anymore."_

 _"What do you mean?"_

 _"Did he do what he had to do or what he wanted to do?" He looked over at her. "When I asked him about it it was like he didn't care. He didn't care that he killed a kid. As if the fact that he had to do it means it's no big deal."_

 _"He's a kid, Rick."_

 _"He's cold and it's my fault." He should have been more concerned about his son's humanity than leading people. He should have been there guiding his son through the hard choices. Now it may be too late. It seemed to be easy for Carl to make choices that should have crippled him._

 _"He feels bad. He hurts and all those other feelings but his dad is Rick Grimes. You're practically a superhero. He's just trying to be strong because his father is strong and he wants to make you proud. He thinks that's the way."_

 _"My boy..." he shook his head._

 _"He'll never be that little boy you're remembering. Times have changed. He's changed and that's not your fault. That's the world we're in. But you can still have influence over who he is becoming."_

 _"I'm not sure I'm okay with who he's becoming." That scared him. He could be honest with himself and admit a small part of him didn't like his son for becoming that person but he could never admit that to anyone, not even Michonne._

 _"He can come back._ _For so long, I felt like a monster but look at me now. I have Andrea, Carl..."she looked over at him. "You. You all influenced me. Made me want to change and feel things."_

 _He stood up and looked over at her. "I don't know why I tell you all these things."_

 _She stood up. "Everyone needs someone to talk to. Neither of us talks to anyone else so we're all we've got. It's necessary or we'd be even more screwed up." She chuckled. "Can you imagine?"_

 _He pulled her into a hug. "You're my best friend."_

 _"Really?" She laughed. "Are we going to pinky swear and take blood oaths?"_

 _She gave him a hard time but that was part of their thing. He actually liked it because her jabs and jokes made him feel normal. Around her he didn't have to have all the right answers. He didn't have to be perfect. Heavy is the head they say and she had become the antidote to his loneliness. He held her tight and it made him happy she let him even if she was probably rolling her eyes and counting the seconds until his emotional display was over._


	9. Chapter 8: What Kind of Man

**Chapter 8: What Kind of Man  
Michonne  
Wednesday**

It had been a slow morning and the sudden rain made her wish for Rick even more. This was one of those days where they stayed in bed holding each other, kissing each other. On these mornings she and Rick would slowly linger around the brownstone watching each other. They couldn't walk past each other without a touch of the arm or thigh. The last rainy day they shared was just the week before and they were intimate the entire time. It wasn't just sex, which she loved having with him. The best part of that morning was the kissing for kissing sake. Then he made her scrambled eggs and fed her. And she read to him while she ran her fingers through his hair as he lay his head on her lap.

She couldn't remain locked away in their home because everything reminded her of him. His coffee mug that said 'I like his beard' sat on the counter.

So she decided to go for a walk around the community. Maybe she could offer help if anyone needed but really she was hoping for a glimpse of Rick and if they were lucky they could have a few minutes to themselves to talk. This is what it had come to; she was desperate for stolen moments. All night she thought about how to jog his memory. If she talked to him, mentioned enough moments shared and words exchanged maybe he could remember. Or maybe a hug and if she were brave enough, a kiss. She had to be willing to do whatever it took to make him hers once again. They earned their relationship; they deserved their love.

The minutes ticked slowly.

She walked towards the front of the community, not bothering to miss the rain puddles in the road, instead splashing and saw a truck near the gate. It looked like one from The Kingdom. A few men appeared and Ezekiel and his hair were unmistakable. She walked toward them.

"What are you doing here?" She frowned. "Is something wrong?" They just had their meeting at The Kingdom and there were no plans for him to visit Alexandria.

"Nothing a few stitches didn't cure. One of our guys got a nasty cut and we were close."

"Good."

"Oh, here. " He pulled a book out of his coat and handed it to her. "For you. I was hoping to see you or I was going to leave it for someone to give to you. I just finished it in the truck."

She smiled. He wasn't one for too much manual labor, at least none she ever saw. The man called himself King but the truth was he was a rara avis even in the old world. Now it was even more obvious. She tried not to judge. They all did what they had to do in order to make it. Some people learned to shoot a gun. She learned to use a sword. Ezekiel pretended to be royalty. She was certain the accent was fake but hadn't caught him slipping yet.

" _Riddley Walker_?" She looked at it. Half of the front cover was missing. It had seen better days but as she flipped through the pages it seemed to be legible. She turned her attention back to him.

"I think you'll like it."

"What's it about?" She couldn't help but smile whenever he was around. He just had a way of lightening up the mood.

"The end of the world."

"Living it isn't enough?"

He laughed. "This isn't the end." He raised arms as if to show her their surroundings. "This is the beginning."

"You sound like Deanna."

"Well, she's a smart woman. Almost as smart as I am." He smiled. "I know you don't like my arrogance."

"But it's who you are. So why this book? Why do you like it?"

"Riddley loses people, loses alliances. His is a journey of knowledge. I connect with him. Growing up, I knew I'd be an orphan. There were more pictures of funerals than birthdays, weddings, and family reunions in our home. But what I wasn't ready for was losing my brother and sister." He shrugged. "You expect to bury your parents but you never think about the brother and sister you grew up with." He looked up. "The day is dreary enough, I didn't mean to get so somber. My men are waiting. Let me know what you think of the book."

She hadn't expected him to get so serious about himself. It was rare. "Thank you."

She watched as he walked off but before getting in the truck he went back onto Tobin's porch and spoke with Tobin and it looked like one of the other men on the construction crew.

"Hey."

She turned around and instantly became nervous and excited. Her heart beat so fast she felt a bit faint. Standing there looking like a dream was Rick. "Hey, when did you learn to sneak up on people?"

He smiled. "What are you up to?"

"I'm headed home to grab an early lunch. You want to come along?" She wasn't hungry but it was an excuse to spend time with him in private.

"Can't. I promised Lori I would come home for lunch. Another day."

"Yeah, sure thing." He looked normal, like the same Rick she loved but he didn't look at her the way he had for the last few months. Even before they accepted what they were feeling for each other, before they decided to be together, he looked at her a certain way. He looked at her with a gentleness and awe. But now, he looked at her like his buddy and although she relished that role in his life, it wasn't her only role. She wanted what she had just days ago. She wanted it all. "So, how's your memory? Remember anything yet?"

He shook his head. "No. Pretty frustrating."

"Maybe if you talk to different people about your time after the prison it would help."

"I think so, too. It's worth a try."

She frowned. "No one has mentioned anything to you yet?" This community had a way of knowing everything about everyone so there was little doubt they all knew Rick had amnesia. Granted, they probably didn't know he and Lori were pretending to be a couple. Yet, it still surprised her that no one allowed anything to slip. Where was Abraham when you needed him?

"I haven't run into too many people. Met Tara earlier."

She and Abraham had the same foot in mouth disease. "She's..." She really didn't have a word to describe her.

"Yeah." He pointed at the book in her hand. "What's that? Is it better than _Crime and Punishment_?"

She smiled. "You didn't give it a chance. It's a great book."

"That's what you say."

"This is _Riddley Walker_. It's supposed to be about the end of the world."

"What? Why are you reading that?" He was adorable when he had that confused yet amused look on his face.

"I'm not. At least, not yet. Ezekiel gave it to me today."

"Living it ain't enough? You gotta read about it too?"

She smiled and stared at him. "My thoughts exactly." She shrugged. "But I'll give it a try."

She and Rick shared books. Sometimes they even read the same book at the same time; they had their own bookmarks. Since he woke up she refused to read the book they had been reading together. It sat on the coffee table in their home with those two bookmarks in the same spot waiting on him to come back so they could both pick up where they left off.

Would they ever pick up where they left off? She accepted the cruelty of this world. The dead not being able to rest in peace, instead trying to kill the living. The lawlessness, the doubt of survival from day to day, battles with maintaining one's sanity and humanity, but this, losing him, it seemed to be the cruelest of it all.

"See you." Ezekiel looked in their direction and waved. She waved back and smiled. When she looked to her side she saw Rick smiling.

"What?"

"Who is that? I haven't seen him around. I definitely would have noticed."

"Ezekiel. That's who gave me the book. He runs The Kingdom. It's a community we trade and work with."

"What's his story? Is he nice?"

She thought about it for a moment because nothing with Ezekiel was easy, not even describing him. "Yeah, yeah he is." You definitely had to get to know him. Rick was quite leery of him when they first met.

"Do I like him?"

"You do. It's basically a business relationship though."

"I guess that's why he didn't come over and say hello. So, is he your type?"

"I told you my type. Did you forget?" He would say no because he remembered everything they said to each other. But the truth was, when he woke up from that coma he forgot her. She would trade his remembering her favorite foods, her favorite movie, and all her quirks if he could just remember that he was hers and she was his.

He smiled. "No. So still no guy?"

"I don't know how to answer that." Tell him. Tell him her heart told her, but her head knew this wasn't the time, not in the middle of the street waiting to be interrupted.

"So, there _is_ a guy. Does he live here? If it's somewhere else that's a whole new meaning to long distance relationship."

"Not long distance. More like nonexistent at the moment. But I'm hopeful."

"Going through some hard times?"

"Yeah, you could say that."

"Well, I know you haven't given up on him because you did way too much talking about making it work with me and Lori. Take your own advice. It was actually pretty good."

"Rick." They both turned to see Lori waving to him. "Lunch."

"On my way," he called out to her. He smiled back at Michonne. "See? You made me work through it or try at least." He pointed at her. "This isn't over. I want to know more."

"What do you mean by try?"

"Problems don't go away," he said as he tapped her hip as he walked past her.

She turned and watched him walk away. She called out to him. "You want to talk about it?"

It wasn't about listening to his problems. She wanted to know where he and Lori stood. What chance she had of getting him back. Maybe now wasn't the right time, Lori's presence proved that, but there would be a time. He said it himself in so many words just now, she owed it to herself to not give up and make it work.

* * *

 _ **Back at the prison**_

 _Michonne opened the door to the warden's office, happy to see him still there. She was twenty minutes late and feared he had given up on her. But there he was, sitting behind the desk with his feet propped up and his legs crossed at the ankles. With just the raise of his eyebrow and a tiny smirk on his lips she understood what he wanted to know because they learned to communicate without words. It came in handy outside the prison._

 _"Sorry, couldn't get rid of Andrea. Thought you would've given up on me."_

 _"Never."_

 _It was still their secret place all these months later and she was quite happy to keep in that way for as long as possible. The prison was such closed quarters. There was definitely no privacy in a six by eight cell, even with the sheer curtains, sheets, and shower curtains that were poor replacements for walls and doors. The only place to feel comfortably alone was on guard duty in the watch tower and that was no time for contemplation and conversation when you were detailed with keeping everyone safe._

 _She pulled a chair over and sat on the desk facing him and put her feet up on the chair. She bounced a tennis ball against the wall and caught it. There was no agenda when they came here, no reason other than to be. So she went to her fail-safe topic that always got them talking._ _"I saw you talking to Lori this morning."_

 _"No."_

 _She stopped bouncing the ball against the wall and looked over at him. "No, what?"_

 _He shook his head. "We always talk about my marriage. We're not going down that road today. I'm not in the mood."_

 _"What do you want to talk about?"_

 _"How about you?"_

 _"What about me?"_

 _"You're not interested in a relationship?"_

 _She grunted. She hadn't thought about that since she started traveling this desolate world all on her own. Though, most women would find that high on the list priorities - finding a man to pair off with for safety and that feeling of security. She never needed to trade her body for anything and not even this new world would make her do that._

 _"Really? All this talk about living and loving. Always telling me to work things out with Lori and how important it is. I guess that's for the rest of us and not you."_

 _"You know anyone? Got any friends? I wasn't aware we were on the set of The Bachelorette, end of the world version."_

 _"I have a feeling you'd eat most guys alive anyway." He smiled._

 _"You think so?"_

 _"Oh, I know so. Well?"_

 _She planned on ignoring him but the look on Rick's face said he wasn't going to let this go. She pushed the chair back and hopped off the desk. "If I found the right guy at the right time."_

 _"What is the right guy?" He smiled at her._

 _"When I find him I'll let you know."_

 _"Oh no." He leaned back and put his arms behind his head. "What's the right kind of guy for Michonne?"_

 _The look on his face was one of smugness. Which made her simultaneously feel amused and apprehensive._

 _"No comment."_

 _His smile faded and momentarily he looked dejected. Somehow that made her want to answer a question she initially had no desire to answer. Because she didn't think this was about ordinary curiosity it seemed more genuine interest. And she owed it to him after all the dark secrets and deep feelings of insecurity he shared. He earned her truth._

 _"You really want to know this?"_

 _"If I didn't want to know I wouldn't have asked," he said as his feet hit the floor with a loud thud. "Tell me."_

 _His_ _interest was definitely peaked and there was no way to get off this train. Talking about this was not high on her list because she knew where it would eventually lead. She didn't plan on this but these talks couldn't remain a one-way street any longer. Usually he talked and she listened. That's the way she liked it and she hoped he wouldn't notice she didn't talk much about the deep stuff. She was a great listener but she didn't like to share because it always sounded like complaining maybe even weakness when she did it._

 _"Well, I don't have a type."_

 _"I don't believe in types," he said. "Tall, dark hair, blonde, blue eyes, green eyes. None of that matters when you meet someone amazing."_

 _She shrugged as she began to rattle off attributes. "I like smart, funny, strong, kind-"_

 _"No. No way." He stood up. "That's generic and there's nothing generic about you." He pointed at her._

 _That kind of took her breath away. How did he learn so much about her when she didn't talk much about herself? It unnerved her that he could pull her card so easily. She wondered if everyone else could read her as he did. People not knowing much about her felt like she was protecting herself. She could be friendly without someone knowing her every thought and emotion._

 _She stared across the room at a poster on the wall, took a deep breath, and then closed her eyes. "Well, someone who works towards the impossible. Dreams of the unimaginable. Unapologetic in what he wants. Smart enough to know what he doesn't know. Fights hard. Loves even harder."_

 _When she didn't hear anything she opened her eyes to find him staring at her, mouth slightly open. It felt like she was being studied. Picked apart. And she felt vulnerable to that type of inspection. He was a lot closer to her than when she closed her eyes._

 _"What?"_

 _"Wow."_

 _She held her breath. Afraid of what he would say. What he saw. What he thought. Did she tell more than she planned? It was always quiet in this part of the prison but it sounded even more so in that moment._

 _"If I didn't know better I'd think you were describing me."_

 _She rolled her eyes. "I never knew you had a cocky side to you." She was grateful for the joke since it_ _was a break from the serious tone she didn't mean to create._ _Not to mention she appreciated he could let his guard down with her and show a different side. This wasn't the man she first locked eyes with through the links of the prison fence. She liked seeing the happier, looser side of him. In her mind, this was the real Rick, the one the world got to enjoy before the weight of the world fell on top of him._

 _"Sure you did." He grabbed a crumbled piece of paper and threw it in the wastebasket. "I told you about the time I told everyone this wasn't a democracy."_

 _She laughed. "That was pretty bold. You are definitely an alpha male."_

 _"More like an asshole."_

 _"No. For what it's worth, that's not a bad trait."_

 _"In this world?"_

 _"In any world, actually. Assholes, as you call them, don't get enough credit. Sometimes they make things better. Can't always tell people what they want to hear or that they're perfect just the way they are." She leaned against the wall, her hands behind her back, and stared down at her feet._

 _"What was his name?"_

 _She looked at him. His eyes eager and sympathetic; his voice low but encouraging._

 _"You were describing someone." He walked a bit closer and stood next to her and leaned his shoulder against the wall so he could face her. "Yeah." He nodded his head. "You were thinking about him while you were describing the perfect guy because that wasn't some mystery guy you hoped to meet one day," he said as he leaned in even closer. "It was like you were in another place and time, back with him."_

 _She felt like she was in a therapist's office instead of a warden's office. And he stood there patiently waiting, eyes telling her it was okay to talk about him. "Mike. He was the only adult, mature relationship I ever had._ _To be honest, I didn't really do relationships. I never thought I was built for one." Suddenly she felt quite comfortable talking to him about who she once was in this world._

 _"What made him so special?"_

 _"He called me on my shit. And I liked that. I liked it a lot. I respected it. He made me change for the better."_

 _"Everyone likes when someone changes a little in order to be with them. It's like they're telling you that you're worth it."_

 _"He told me I had to open up and let him in or he would walk. I was closed off," she said as she gave him a quick look and a smile. "As you can see nothing has changed." Her smile faded. "I was so used to having my way but when a guy let me have my way all the time it turned me off. Mike understood when to give and when to..."_

 _"Take no shit?"_

 _She looked over at him. Again, feeling like he understood everything she said and everything she was. She was a bit surprised it made sense to him. Most people didn't get it. "Yeah. High maintenance. That's what my uncle called me." In fact he told her she would always be alone because no man would want a woman who tried to be a man. Before she met Mike she started to believe that._

 _"I think we're all like that. We're just not smart enough to know that's what we're doing. There has to be balance in everything."_ _He smiled. "_ _What happened to him?"_

 _"He and our son died after..." she rolled her eyes and waved her hand. "After."_

 _It just came out. She didn't know why she told him but she felt compelled to do so because she knew he would know just what to say and not say even though he had never experienced that loss. At that moment she felt like a great burden had been lifted from her shoulders when she shared her greatest pain with him. No one knew about Mike and Andre, not even Andrea. When she allowed herself, she realized it was easy to talk to Rick because he was so open with her about the hardest things to admit, his flaws, his failures, his fears._

 _"How old was your son?"_

 _"Andre was three."_

 _"What was he like?"_

 _"He liked action figures and matchbox cars and building things with his legos. He loved being outside. Running."_

 _Once again the deafening silence became more than she could endure and just when it seemed she would lose it he spoke._

 _"How did you and Mike meet?"_

 _"Art show. I had just moved and_ _was looking for a few new pieces. He said he was looking for a masterpiece. We managed to gravitate toward each other throughout the night. Finally, he asked for my number and I gave it to him._ _"_

 _"Was it love at first sight?" He smiled._

 _She knew Rick didn't believe in that. He was the slow burn type. Probably when it came to friendships as well but when a group of people is constantly saving each other's lives it speeds up the process in this new world. "No, but pretty close. On our first d_ _ate I asked if he found his masterpiece. He said he didn't have it but he was working on it." She smiled. "Me."_

 _"Hmm." His eyes widened._

 _"Yeah, he was as smooth as a twenty-five year-old scotch. Usually not my thing but it worked."_

 _"How long were you together?"_

 _"Five years."_

 _"You never thought about getting married?"_

 _"That means love and devotion to you? A ring?"_

 _"Maybe not but call me old-fashioned, I like for the world to know when someone is mine. I like for her to know that's how I feel about her. It's how I was raised. And a ring," she said as he touched her ring finger. "It says a lot to me."_

 _"I get it. To be honest, we thought more about the tax implications of getting married."_

 _"Romantic."_

 _"People talk about love and marriage but it usually ends because of money or sex. Rarely do people just fall out of love." She looked at him._

 _"My marriage didn't end because of sex. I know people think it's because she slept with my best friend but I had forgiven her for that."_

 _"Really?"_

 _He paused. "I don't know if completely. I worked to forgive but I would never forget. Maybe I was working through it. But I was definitely working through it. Up until we lost the farm I was right there with her. It wasn't sex or money and I guess your theory holds up in this case because I didn't fall out of love."_

 _"So if it wasn't sex or money and you didn't fall out of love then what was it?"_

 _He stared at her. "It was betrayal. She messed up and I forgave her. When I failed she turned her back on me. She didn't fight for us like I fought for us." He shrugged. "That means everything. No matter what, you have to keep fighting."_

 _It was like he remembered they were talking about him again._

 _"So this guy. You think he would have been your happily ever after?"_

 _She smiled. "My happily ever after?"_

 _"I heard Maggie and Beth talking about stuff like that. Maggie told Beth that Glenn was her happily ever after."_

 _"In that world, yes. He was great." She smiled. "I love macaroni and cheese. Real macaroni and cheese not that box stuff. When I was pregnant I had this crazy craving for it. He said let's go get you some mac and cheese. We went to the airport, flew to New Orleans to one of my favorite restaurants."_

 _"New Orleans for macaroni and cheese?"_

 _"It's not just any mac and cheese. It had aged provolone, two types of cheddar cheese, and pancetta."_

 _"Good food," he said with a nod. "That's love."_

 _"I think so too. Especially now."_

 _After all that sharing, things somehow managed to feel the same yet a little different._


	10. Chapter 9: Echoes

_**Author's Note:** The mac and cheese was popular! It's at Cochon Butcher in New Orleans. For those who mentioned it, I love the Richonne prison flashbacks too. Writing those scenes were always fun for me. Thanks to those who are enjoying this story and trust where I'm going. _

_Anywho, I've always been very healthy and I took that for granted. Don't do that. You can lose your good health seemingly overnight. Now, I'm seeing doctors constantly. Sorry I wasn't able to upload anything lately._

* * *

 **Chapter 9: Echoes  
Lori  
Wednesday**

It was unrealistic to think he wouldn't speak to Michonne. They were in the same small community and his memory wasn't so bad that he didn't know who she was. He still remembered their friendship at the prison and that was just as intimidating and threatening to her marriage as his romantic relationship with Michonne. In Alexandria he was cordial to most women, deemed others, like Maggie and Andrea, family, but his relationship with Michonne had always been deep.

When she saw them what she really wanted to do was run over to him and drag him away from Michonne instead of smile and wave then walk inside like she was unbothered. But when he told her he'd be on his way and didn't move, it was expected of her to leave them be. Had she done anything else it would have aroused suspicion. But how long would Michonne keep her mouth shut? She was the one with Rick before his amnesia and now she wasn't. She was on the losing end of this arrangement and Lori couldn't imagine her choosing to be the loser for much longer. She knew enough about Michonne to know she wasn't built that way.

She was in the kitchen already preparing lunch by peeling a couple of potatoes when Rick walked through the door. He only stayed out there with her for another three minutes, she counted, but it felt like an eternity. She tried to gauge his disposition, see if their new beginning was over before it started.

"What are you making?" He removed his holster and placed it on the small bench by the door like he did before he moved out.

It didn't seem Michonne told him they were in a relationship. Rick didn't hide his anger well. Had Michonne told him everything he would have swung that door open so hard the glass would have shattered. Since the farm, he was a different man from the one she met. A man not interested in pleasantries and placation. She saw the nascency of his dark transformation while on the farm but it was rapid and even more harsh post-farm. His changes, the bitterness, could be charted on a timeline by the losses in their lives.

"Hopefully some resemblance of chips to go along with our sandwiches. Is that okay?"

He walked over and leaned on the counter. "Sounds great. Potato chips? How are you going to get them thin enough?"

"Vegetable peeler and a knife." She grabbed the knife and began slicing the potatoes. "I'm trying to make sure I cut them the same so they cook the same time. I'll have to make it as close as possible."

"My grandmother's recipe?" He asked hopeful.

"As much as I can recreate." She smiled at his excitement. As serious as he could be, there were still moments, particularly when he was with a young Carl, when he would behave almost child-like. She missed that.

"So what were you and Michonne talking about?" Quickly, she added, "I hope everything is okay."

"Yeah, just talking." He laughed. "Right before I came home she was telling me about this guy she's dating. I guess she's dating him. I'm not sure."

She looked up at him. The knife shook in her hand; feeling herself lose the ability to hold it steady, she placed it on the counter. "Really?" She placed her hand on her chest then played with her necklace, sliding the charm back and forth. She tried to play it cool but inside she was freaking out. She felt erratic. Her heart wasn't just beating fast it felt like a frantic bird trying to escape a tiny cage.

He frowned. "You don't know about this guy?"

"I..." She shrugged and shook her head. Suddenly the room became suffocating with each breath she took giving her less oxygen than the one before.

"Maybe he's in another community." He looked away with a faint frown. "We didn't get to talk about him much. Whatever is going on with him has her acting strange."

"What do you mean?"

"She wasn't acting herself. She was kind of flustered. Unsure." He pondered. "That's not like her at all. She's always got it together."

There were so many questions. So much more she wanted to know and the questions, the what's and how's and why's, filled her head like screams and shouts. Furious and manic. She turned her back as she placed the first potato slices in the oil. Michonne was probably fishing, hoping she could jog Rick's memory. If Michonne was starting to drop hints that wasn't a good thing. There was no way she could keep Michonne from telling Rick if she wanted. All Lori could do was appeal to Michonne's sense of empathy for a woman that loved a man more than life itself.

"Why don't you slice the tomatoes." She needed him to think about something other than Michonne. The less he thought of her the better. The less _she_ thought about Michonne the better.

He stood next to her with a knife looking every bit like the awkward kitchen novice he was.

"No, not that one. The serrated knife." She smiled at his confusion then grabbed the correct knife and placed it before him.

When she took the knife he was holding her fingers lingered on his skin then brushed over his knuckles. He didn't seem to notice but she didn't want the feel of him to leave her.

"It really makes a difference?"

She returned the regular knife to him. "Cut a slice with this."

He stared at her but placed the serrated knife down on the counter and did what she said. "Okay."

"Not bad. Now try this one."

He grabbed the serrated knife and cut a couple of slices.

"Yeah? Yeah?" She taunted him with a smile, leaning into him.

"Okay, that is much smoother."

"Almost makes you want to slice tomatoes all day doesn't it?"

"Don't get carried away." He chuckled.

It was just the two of them for lunch. She felt hopeful that this may be the real thing again. She watched as he took a bite of his sandwich and then pulled it apart.

"Everything okay?"

"I thought you would have made some sauce or something."

"Sauce?"

"You know..." he frowned. "Those homemade sauces and spreads..."

"I don't know what you're talking about." She smiled with a shake of her head.

After she cleared the table she was cleaning it with a damp cloth and looked up and caught Rick's gaze. "Are you staring down my shirt?" She laughed.

"Guilty." He smiled. "Sorry."

"Nothing to apologize for." She smiled and held her head down. "It's nice to know you still notice."

He didn't respond.

She felt like she was seventeen again. She folded the dishcloth and walked over to him. She stood before him as he remained in his chair. "At some point you didn't. I never stopped seeing the handsome man I fell in love with." She placed her hand against his face and studied him.

She took a chance and sat on his lap. He pushed her hair behind her shoulder. When his fingers ran over her skin that was the moment she stopped breathing. She looked in his eyes searching for a sign that told her this was completely real, that there was no way this wasn't what she believed it was.

He seemed to be searching as well. She could see the minimal movement of his eyes as he looked in one eye and then the other. Then he looked down at her mouth and as he did he ran his tongue over his lips. At that moment she knew it was about to happen. She gripped the back of his neck and pulled his head to her. Their mouths crashed against each other. The shock of the touch of his mouth on hers after all this time caused a slight yelp to escape her mouth.

It was a hesitant kiss at first as she rediscovered the joy of kissing her husband. She had imagined this for a long time so it wasn't a surprise that she was the first to become more aggressive, intensifying the kiss with the slip of her tongue between his lips.

She swung her leg around and straddled him in the chair. There was a need to be even closer to him and though she didn't want to break their kiss, she gripped the back of his chair and buried her face in his neck. She shivered at the feel of his hands as they slid underneath her shirt and landed on her back. She kissed on his neck, never forgetting his neck was a sensitive spot for him. His body jerked, pushing his groin against her. She wanted to feel that again and she began to grind against him.

She struggled to unbuckle his belt and unzip his jeans; their positions made it almost impossible. She was anxious to have sex with him. Hopeful it would cement their new future. She wanted to move to the couch, it would have been better; their bed would have been optimal but she didn't want to disturb the moment they had. The build up and passion was the most intense it had been since before the world changed. Hell, even before the world changed.

The truth was, even back then, they weren't that passionate. She seemed most able to breathe and be at ease while he was working his shift and while he was home they both attempted to exist without getting in each other's way or causing too many words that didn't have to do with Carl to be exchanged.

She whispered in his ear. "I want you."

Rick abruptly grabbed her arms and pushed her back. He was looking at her but not really. It seemed as if he was looking in her eyes but she knew that look; his eyes were glazed over not focused on anything, especially not her. Right now, she was a blurry vision. Maybe even an ill-defined mistake.

He pulled back. "No. I can't. Not yet. I'm sorry."

"I understand," she said as she climbed off of him and walked toward the kitchen. It was his head that was in the way because the rest of his body was ready to go; she could feel his arousal. "You know what?" She turned around and faced him, running her hand over her hair. "I don't understand. Not really. You were right there with me. I know it. I felt it. What happened?"

"It's too soon. Last I remember we were barely talking and now we're just going to do this?"

"I know you lost some of your memory but we weren't in a bad place by the end of our time at the prison. At least not completely. I thought you wanted this and we're back to you turning me away."

"You turned your back on me first, remember?"

There was a tinge of anger there. Resentment. From the look on his face he hadn't mean to say it.

"I thought you forgave me for being with Shane." This was a long time coming. They moved past this issue but they never dealt with it. She accepted he was angry about it. He accepted she was afraid and thought he was dead. But maybe it was something they could never move past no matter how much they both wanted to. Maybe her relationship with Shane set them down a course they couldn't come back from.

"I did. I haven't forgiven you for putting him before me after."

She frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"A wife is supposed to support her husband. You lost your way," he said with a shake of his head that signaled almost disgust with her.

This moment changed so fast. It was representative of their lives together. Hot and cold. Up and down. Love and war.

"I was firmly behind you from the time you came back to us." She didn't think she was in the wrong for wanting her husband to stay with her and their son after he fought like hell to find them. To risk his life for a lowlife like Merle Dixon who wouldn't lift so much as a finger for anyone else? No one could blame her for that. The new Rick would agree with her.

"On the farm-"

"No, Rick. On the farm I knew there needed to be one voice and I believed in my heart it should be yours. I never valued anyone's opinion above yours even when I thought they made sense."

"And by they you mean Shane." He stood and adjusted his clothes.

"You act as if your friend didn't have good ideas, didn't know what he was doing. Shane kept us safe for a long time and not just Carl and me but that entire group." She pointed to the door. "And Glenn and Andrea would tell you the same."

"In your heart, it's what you always wanted. You wanted me to be that cold bastard. You wished you could have Shane's way of handling things in me. I protected you and Carl in ways you weren't aware. It may not have been loud, angry, and over the top but it was real. You couldn't see it because it wasn't Shane. Because I didn't make a show of it. You were always more worried about optics than actions, than what was best."

All she could do was shake her head. This isn't what she thought she was getting when he told her he wanted to be with her again.

"When I told you I killed Shane you hated me. I could see it in your eyes before you walked away from me."

It took time for her to realize it and even longer for me to admit it but Shane meant more to her than she realized. It wasn't until he was dead did she come to terms with those feelings and she never shared them with anyone. How could she without being judged? It felt like Rick took something from her when he killed Shane. And that didn't mean she loved Rick any less then or now. It was the reality of the very complicated situation she found herself in. When he told her Shane was dead and Carl put him down that's when they lost each other.

"Why do you want to be with me?"

"What?"

"Do you really want to be with me? Because I'm not the man you married. That much I can remember. That, I know for sure."

That was a familiar question. He had asked her before.

He may not have his memory but this current Rick told you what needed to be said and didn't spend much time being delicate about it. "I hate that we're going through this but it has to be done. There can't be any lingering feelings and whatever you're feeling. You need to say it too."

"No, you're right." She nodded. "You're right."

What she really wanted to ask was what he saw in Michonne. When did he fall in love with her? When did he become aware of his feelings? Was it back at the prison?

"I'm going to head out for a bit. Thanks for lunch. It was great. Lori?"

She looked up at him.

"Think about it. Why do you want to be with me? Really think about it and I'll do the same."

She nodded again, not trusting her voice at the moment.

He stared at her a moment before walking out the door.

She was sitting in her bedroom. She opened the nightstasnd drawer and in a small heart-shaped box, something a child made for Mother's Day, was Rick's wedding ring. He left in the downstairs bedroom. Carol found it after he moved out. She hoped one day soon she'd be able to put it back on his finger. Now it seemed unlikely. She slid it on her finger and twirled it.

xXxXx

"Hershel said he'd come around," Glenn said. He leaned against her living room wall standing in the background away from her and Maggie.

"Not like this." She felt trapped and not just by her friends who have voiced their concerns about her lies, but by the situation itself.

Maggie placed her hand on Lori's knee. "Lori, he's with Michonne. You know that. You accepted that-"

"I never accepted that." She shook her head. "I _never_ accepted that."

"Well, unfortunately that doesn't matter," Glenn said. "You're using his...his disability against him. How do you think that makes people look at you?"

"I don't care how people look at me. I have a chance to get my family back and that's the only thing that matters."

"And this is the way you want to do this?" Maggie asked.

"Maggie, for so long I've been nothing more than the past and darkness when Rick looked at me. And I've regretted it every since. That's the role I am in his life and I hate that. But I've never stopped loving my husband. I know I damaged us by making some mistakes but I never stopped loving my husband."

"And you're not going to get him back by making an even bigger mistake," Glenn said.

"Do you know how many times the sun came up and I realized he wasn't mine anymore? Like Groundhog day. Another day of him not being mine."

"You have all this love from so many people."

Lori stood up, not able to take Maggie's pity pats on the knee like she was some widow. "And all I can think about is the love of the one person who didn't want me but that's changed now. You don't know what it's like. There's nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide from these feelings, from him. I never got over it. Having to face him each day. Behind these walls. Watching them walk side by side."

She wrapped her hands around her waist. "When he asked for me, held my hand and kissed me the world turned upside down. You guys didn't know us from before. When we were first together. We were love; we were epic. He came back from the dead to find me and our son. That means something. Maybe, maybe this is what he's wanted deep down and his mind is able to allow him to say it now."

"Maybe it was all the emotions of reliving that moment in the hospital," Maggie said as she turned her body and watched Lori. "His first instinct was his son. He asked about Carl. Maybe that's what it was when he woke up this time. Lori, he was disoriented, confused. He thought he was reliving that moment when he first woke up."

That was nothing Lori wanted to hear.

"Maybe this time we'll last. Maybe this time we'll be happy. I'll make him happy. If we're all happy...Rick, me, our kids...then what's the problem?"

"Rick wanted to be with Michonne," Glenn said. "That's a pretty big problem."

"They were together two months. Rick and I have been married for fifteen years."

"How long do you think this can go on? Have you thought beyond today?" Maggie asked.

Glenn motioned for Maggie to join him. "Lori, he's going to remember. And then he'll be angry for your manipulation. I saw him earlier today for a minute. He said he dreamed about a quarry. That's pretty random. It has to be the quarry where all the walkers were that we herded out of there. I'm always on your side but I can't be on this one. I can't do this to Michonne. She doesn't deserve this."

"What are you saying? You're going to tell him?"

"It's just that pretty soon this will involve everyone. You can't expect the whole town to go along with this," Maggie said.

He glanced at Maggie. "We were there. We saw how things were between you on the road after the farm, while you were pregnant. You don't want that again."

"It's too late anyway. He'll hate me if he gets his memory back. But if he doesn't..."

* * *

 _ **Alexandria**_

 _The knocking on the door was loud and quick. It was that knock that let you know something was wrong. It was the urgency and authority of a cop's knock. When she made it downstairs she could see Rick's profile as he waited for her to answer the door. She hadn't seen him in three days since he packed his things and walked out on her. Carl would take Judith over to his brownstone when Rick wanted to visit the kids._

 _She opened the door. "Rick-"_

 _Before she could say more he brushed past her. She wasn't in the mood for more of his anger and judgments._

 _"You went to Hershel about my decision to leave?"_

 _"I went to a friend and asked for advice." She frowned. "What did he tell you?"_

 _"Nothing. He just let something slip that I know came from you. I didn't even mention it to him that I knew what he was talking about."_

 _"You talk to Hershel, too. Besides, there was a time when you wanted me to talk to him when you stopped talking to me." She slid her hands in her back pockets._

 _"Talk. Not ask him to get in the middle of this. That puts him in an uncomfortable position, Lori. You make our business everyone's business. It drives me nuts. Always has. This is between us."_

 _"I'm supposed to not talk about what I'm feeling? You left me. You won't talk to me. You used to say that you were still here. Still with us. Still being here wasn't enough and then you completely left. Now, you're going to order me to live in silence? Pretend like it doesn't hurt? Does that make you feel better? To pretend you didn't destroy me?"_

 _He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "No. Just...this is going to be awkward. Maybe you can talk to Carol. I thought she was your person."_

 _"Who is yours?_ _Her? Michonne? Did you talk about our marriage with her? Tell her you were waiting on the right time to leave me?"_

 _They probably laughed at her while they were out on their runs. Was probably having sex with her while he was supposed to be off having some leadership meeting. You would think it impossible to cheat on your spouse in such a closed off environment but Rick spent too much time away from home._

 _"Lori. Don't."_

 _"How long have you two been together?"_

 _He shook his head. "It's nothing like whatever you're thinking. You're off base. And whenever you think she and I started, I guarantee you it was still after you and I were done because that's been over for a long time."_

 _"Not for me he hasn't," she mumbled._ _"Do you want me to feel bad about doing whatever I think can help save my marriage?" She shook her head defiantly. "Because I won't."_

 _"It can't be saved."_

 _"It can. You just don't want it anymore and I don't understand why you don't think I'm worth it."_

 _He cocked his head to the side. "I'm not the same man I once was," he said in almost a whisper. "Do you love me or the idea of being with your husband?"_

 _"Of course I love you."_

 _"I'm not so sure. Maybe it's your concern for what others will think. I really think you should think about that."_

 _"You've always been a good man and I'm so sorry that I lost sight of that."_

 _"The man you loved is gone and he's not coming back. Who I am, the decisions I make. I don't know if you'll ever be able to square it."_

 _"Rick, I can."_

 _He shook his head. "It's okay that you can't."_

 _Without another word he walked out and it was just as painful as when he left her the first time days ago._


	11. Chapter 10: Smoke

**Chapter 10: Smoke  
Rick  
Thursday**

He spent the night tossing and turning. He was up before the sun and didn't want to disturb Judith with his restlessness so he got dressed and went downstairs. He made a pot of coffee and took a cup with him as he slipped out of the house. He wandered around Alexandria. That didn't take long and he couldn't go far. What he really wanted was to get outside those walls and see what surrounded them. He found himself at one of the gazebos and sat.

Everyone was giving him his space. More space than he was comfortable with or needed. It had been three days since he woke up but he had only talked to a few people and those were short visits at the infirmary. No one dared to visit at the house. Lori probably put everyone on notice that he needed to rest. She definitely inherited her mother's worry gene. Things with her, well, he wasn't sure what to make of it. He thought putting his family back together was the right thing. Since he arrived home it had been an uneasy dance between them. It was obvious they both watched their every word with each other. That couldn't last forever and if they were holding back then eventually what they both tried to suppress would see the light.

There was still something there and maybe it could grow to something more. When he almost lost her at the prison after she gave birth he felt like his entire world was about to unravel with the pull of one string. But when Hershel told him she would pull through and she was back on her feet things went back to how they were because he couldn't allow himself to feel anything for her again because he wasn't sure he could trust that she wouldn't destroy him again. After all this time, he finally admitted her support of Shane and not sleeping with him is what damaged them the most. He killed his best friend, a man he loved, and had no one to talk to about it. Carl was upset. Lori was upset. And Rick carried it around, along with the safety of nine lives, for nine months after the farm. The burden was heavy and he was tired of all things Lori by the time they arrived at the prison.

She said she defended him and was in his corner. If she was, it wasn't when he was around because he never saw it. He got the questions, the doubts, and the disapproving looks that she had no problem tossing his way. He was getting himself all worked up just thinking about it. Until he could work through his shit they didn't stand a chance. But that kiss meant something. It wasn't random. He was right there with her and enjoying it. It was his brain that put a stop to it because he knew there needed to be more talking than sex.

Lori always needed so much to feel confident he was with her. Sometimes it was too much. He thought love was more simple than Lori made it. It could be draining on him constantly reassuring her. That argument yesterday was their marriage in a nutshell.

He stood and listened to the familiar sounds of his bones as they cracked signaling age and a lot of wear and tear. This life was the life of a sheriff's deputy times one thousand and he'd only lived it less than two years. Even the act of sleeping was a physical and exhausting one. He forgot comfort like this place existed. A thick mattress as opposed to a hard thin imitation on a slab in a prison cell, a plush couch instead of an apple crate or a cement block.

The sun had just begun to pierce the darkness of the sky and he saw a figure walking at a pretty fast clip. Was there trouble? A breach? He trotted out to the street and smiled. He knew that stride. He was about to call out to her but thought better of it, opting to not disturb anyone's last moments of sleep by shouting out. Instead, he moved in her direction. He walked slowly at first because the place was small but he lost track of her. He stopped and stood in the middle of the street. Slowly he surveyed the area, looking for any signs of life when he saw a small light in a window of one of the houses. That had to be her.

Still he entered the home slowly, head on a swivel, expecting danger. There was a round, wooden table in the center of the foyer, and just beyond in another room were nice couches, chairs, and tables. The walls were adorned with fancy light fixtures and paintings. He pulled his pocket flashlight out and read the sign with arrows on the table before him. He headed down the dark hallway. Light illuminated from the last door on the left. He remained cautious as he made his way down the hall, careful not to make a sound. The doors to the other two rooms in the hall were closed.

He stood in the doorway and stared at her. She was focused and didn't notice she had company. Of course she would have her name on a door, just as she did before the world changed. She was born to run shit. Some people were like that and managed to find themselves leading whether it was their desire or not. He was the same; he never set out to be the one they all turned to but it happened. He watched her as she read something while she nibbled on the end of a pen then she appeared to draw a line and then write something.

"So this is where you work?"

She looked up. Always calm. Didn't even appear startled. She had nerves of steel. Speaking of, he eyed her sword leaning against the wall behind her. Having it close probably aided in that confidence. She was halfway out of her seat before she seemed to decide that she would rather remain in her seat. "Hey you."

"What is this place?" He entered the room and stood a few feet from her desk.

"It was the model home. It's what we use as office space."

"We?"

"Aaron and I share this office." She pointed to the desk on the west side of the room. "Deanna, Maggie, Abraham, Sasha and Andrea mostly. Have a seat."

He sat on the couch pushed against the east wall. There were a couple of pictures on the wall and a file cabinet in the corner. There was a Catwoman action figure complete with a whip on her desk and wooden box with the words 'Be Still' inscribed on it.

"So what is this place? Is it like Capitol Hill? The State Department? The White House? Oh, I know. The United Nations."

She smiled. "You are compulsively judgmental, you know that?"

He loved when she smiled.

"Of all the things I've been called all my life I'll take that."

"What you've been called all your life?" She smiled. "Didn't know how devastating it is to be called things like boy scout, sweet, nice guy-"

"Yeah, yeah."

"You never could take a compliment. That's the thing with you nice guys." She mockingly shook her head at him.

"Okay, enough." He walked over and sat on the corner of her desk. "What are you doing up so early?"

"Couldn't sleep. Thinking about some of the ideas raised at the meeting the other day. And you?"

"Same."

"So you crept around the house in silence as long as you could before you made a pot of coffee and went for a walk."

He frowned and looked down at his coffee mug then placed it on the corner of her desk. "How did you know?"

"Habits." She stood. "Want a tour?"

It was more of an order than a question. "Still bossy, huh?"

"I'm not bossy," she said.

"I'm the boss," they said in unison.

She stopped so quickly he almost ran into her.

"What?"

She looked back at him over her shoulder. "You remember that?"

He shrugged. He wasn't sure where he heard it; it just seemed to naturally roll off his tongue like peanut butter and jelly. "Does that mean anything?"

"Maybe."

The place was quiet; they were the only ones around.

"You like working when no one is around?"

"Yeah. Always have. I would get to my office a couple of hours early. I was able to beat the morning traffic and get a lot of things done."

They entered Deanna's office. It smelled like fresh flowers or a scented candle. Better than the stale smell of canned air freshener. He wondered how it smelled so nice. Her desk was neat with a couple of pieces of paper with a pen sitting on top of them and two wooden boxes, one on either end of the desk. One was labeled incoming and the other outgoing. He shook his head, Deanna really did live in her own world. In the old world. Probably sat around playing make believe, pretending the shit outside the walls wasn't real, that in a couple of years things would be the same.

The real chaos was on the table where papers, a detailed sketch of the community, and colored pencils were scattered about. Pinned to the wall was a layout of the community homes. They each had a number. The numbers appeared to coincide with the names on a smaller piece of paper tacked next to it.

"Deanna seems like a real piece of work," he said as he turned and saw Michonne standing in the doorway watching him as he had just done to her.

"She's an amazing lady. I have a lot of respect for her."

"Really?"

She smiled. "She may have her weak spots, like we all do, but her vision, her faith-"

He snorted. "Faith." Like the faith Hershel had that made him believe walkers were just sick and waiting on some cure? To this day, he didn't agree with the way Shane made Hershel see the truth, but he was glad Hershel realized the reality of life now.

"No, her faith in people to ultimately do the right thing. She had amazing faith in you, even when you didn't deserve it, until you forced her hand and she contemplated kicking you out."

"I heard about that."

"You had a point. Your way of making them see it sucked. It was vinegar when all you needed was a little honey and time."

"Time we didn't have from what Lori told me."

She nodded. "That's true." She conceded.

Sasha and Andrea's office had a dry erase board with a schedule of shifts and weapons training classes, on Abraham's walls were blueprints for new projects. Their offices were bedrooms.

She led him into a room just off the kitchen. "This was their conference room. Saw no need to change it. This is where we have staff meetings."

"You guys seem to have it all together."

"We," she said. "We have it all together."

He nodded. "I guess I'll have to take your word for it." Instead of sitting in one of the many chairs surrounding the table, he sat on it.

"Still no luck with your memory?" She sat on the table next to him.

"Not really. I keep having moments I feel like I've had before. Like déjà vu. I don't know if they are figments of my imagination or memories."

"Like what?"

"I never mentioned it to anyone but back at my house I remembered where everything was in the kitchen. Like on the first try. Knew where the glasses were, which cupboard the plates were in. Everything."

She looked at him.

"But that could have been because it's probably how Lori had things back at our house."

"Anything else?"

"Just little things. Feelings I get when I see certain things. When I stand in certain spots. There is a sense of familiarity. I'm starting to feel comfortable. I feel like I'm..."

"Home?"

He nodded.

She smiled. "It will all come together." She gripped the edge of the table. "We just have to believe. I still have hope."

"You always do. It's one of the best things about you. I admire it. Through it all you still have that desire to have more. You didn't always but you didn't let the fight pull you under."

"A compliment from Rick Grimes. This leaves me speechless." She smiled.

"Well, see that you remain that way."

She turned and looked at him.

"It, it was a joke." He stammered, feeling the heat of embarrassment as it rose from his chest up to his neck and settled on his cheeks. The longer she remained silent, the longer he felt like a fool.

She smiled. "I know. Groucho Marx."

"You know Groucho Marx?"

"I love Groucho Marx. And that was a lagniappe."

"A what?"

"A freebie. That joke at my expense. I'll let you have it since you don't remember you tell the worst jokes ever. Dad sense of humor. It's embarrassing actually. "

"Lagniappe. I'm a small town sheriff's deputy. Or, at least I was. Why would you use that word on me?"

She leaned against him and gave him a bump with her shoulder. "Don't pretend you're anything but the smartest man I know."

"You've definitely made me smarter in more ways than one. In getting over the fight in me. Realizing that my instincts can deceive me when I'm too far gone." He turned and looked at her. "Between you and Hershel, I feel like I kept my humanity. It means a lot Michonne." He placed his hand on her shoulder. "More than you know."

"I know," she said softly and placed her hand on his that remained on her shoulder.

They stared at each other and they seemed to be silently saying something he couldn't understand.

She hopped off the table and laughed. "Now, if I can just get you to do the downward dog."

Just like that, the moment was gone. He laughed. "You definitely improved my vocabulary but let's leave it at that."

"Not even the cobra? Warrior?"

"I can't even touch my toes."

"You're flexible when it counts."

* * *

 _ **Back at the prison**_

 _It had been thirty days without an accident and Beth deemed it worthy of a celebration. He could have done without the milestone celebration but was reminded that she was a kid and all these kids needed something other than story time. Daryl snared a couple of wild hogs and with the BBQ sauce and a few others things they got from The Big Spot, it was like regular cookout. They even snagged a boom box and CDs while there and currently the sounds of Tom Petty filled the blacktop. With Tyreese's help, Carol and Karen managed to make a tetherball set._

 _He looked over and saw her seated on the bleachers. Alone. Even though she seemed to connect closely with a few people, him more than anyone else, she still gravitated toward solitude. Sometimes she would stand out and stare at the field for hours. A few times he joined her but most times he felt it would be an intrusion and gave her space. He prepared a plate and headed her way. She smiled as he got closer. He was relieved she was happy to see him. Their last conversation was tense to say the least. Calling her attempts to find The Governor futile was a mistake, one he paid for by her staying away from the prison for weeks._

 _Carl was upset and blamed Rick for her departure. Rick was anxious and blamed himself. She could take care of herself but no one made it on their own for long. When she returned she acted as if everything was okay and their fight, if it could be called that, was forgotten. He didn't like that, didn't like pretending everything was okay when it wasn't because it was always bubbling under the surface waiting to explode. That was his marriage. He didn't want that with Michonne. Their friendship was better than what his marriage had dissolved to. He needed that to always be the case. Their bond, built on trust and respect, helped keep the prison safe because she demanded he be focused on doing the right things at all times._

 _He sat down next to her and handed her the plate._

 _"Thanks." She took a bite. "This is good."_

 _"Yeah, it is. Daryl and Hershel came through with making that smoker. Meat just falls apart."_

 _She began humming and squirming in her seat. He couldn't help but smile at her giddiness. These days good food, not just something edible, made everyone happy. She hummed along with the music._

 _"What do you know about this?"_

 _"Tom Petty? I love Tom Petty. I love music._ _In fact, I've been imagining everyone's leitmotif. Pretty sure Tom Petty lyrics would apply to multiple people."_

 _He frowned. "Le what?"_

 _She laughed. "Leitmotif. It's like a musical phrase you associate with a person or place."_

 _"Like a theme song?"_

 _She smiled over at him. "Yeah, like a theme song."_

 _"So you have one for everyone?"_

 _They looked out at the prison residents which grew even more since they brought back the Woodbury survivors. She still didn't know most of them thanks to her need to keep running out of those prison gates. She pretty much knew the ones who were already living in the prison when she showed up._

 _"Almost._ _Can't get Carol though." She glanced over at him and laughed. "_ _You want to know, huh?"_

 _"Yeah. What's Carl? You better not say anything like Cat's in the Cradle." He couldn't look bad for wanting to know about his son but honestly, he wanted to know what she thought about him. She and Hershel had codes and morals that he respected. Other than Carl, he cared about no one's opinion of him more than those two._

 _"Carl." She held her head down. She placed her plate down and ran her hands up and down her thighs. "When I see Carl I think 'May God keep and bless you always. May your wishes all come true. May you always do for others. And let others do for you.'"_

 _"Forever Young. Bob Dylan. That's perfect." That she wished that for his son was why he trusted her with his kids' lives. They all looked out for one another but she had a way about her when it came to Carl that was fierce and maternal. He already had a mother but that kind of love was something you could never have too much of in this world._

 _"Glad you approve," she said softly._

 _"Maggie."_

 _"Oh, that's easy." She smiled and her face lit up. "She was the first one I came up with. When I see Maggie I think 'She's a wild one with an angel's face. She's a woman-child in a state of grace.'"_

 _"Beth?"_

 _"Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles."_

 _He smiled. "Perfect."_ _He wasn't sure about her theme song game and wondered what would make her come up with such a thing but so far she was three for three. "_ _And mine?" He stared at her profile as she took a deep breath._

 _She looked at him. "I haven't come up with a definitive one but I'll give you a couple that have been stuck in my head."_

 _"So complicated there's a list. Don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Okay, let me have it."_

 _"It's hard to remember we're alive for the first time. It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time. It's hard to remember to live before you die. It's hard to remember that our lives are such a short time."_

 _They both sat with that one for a moment._

 _And the other?"_

 _"Regrets, I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do. And saw it through without exemption." She looked at him. "Got a preference?"_

 _He was speechless._ _That was more profound than he expected. More honest than he cared to admit. "I like them both."_

 _"Really?"_

 _"Yep and at least it's not shot a man in Reno just to watch him die."_

 _She laughed. "Johnny Cash. When I think of him I think of Daryl. Haven't come up with it yet. Just trying to figure it out."_

 _"What's yours?"_

 _"Mine?"_

 _"Yeah. Can't think about everyone else and not think about yourself."_

 _"Are you talking about me or yourself?" She grabbed her plate and took another bite._

 _It was true. They were more alike than either of them would care to admit. And not thinking about themselves was something they had in common._

 _"Don't you want to know Lori's?"_

 _What her song may be never entered his mind and that probably made him an asshole. He held his head down. "Sure."_

 _"When I think of her I think-"_

 _"No." He didn't want to know and he didn't want to pretend to want to know but she continued to speak and he interrupted her again._ _"Michonne."_

 _She kept going and he wasn't sure what she was saying. All he knew was he didn't want to hear it._

 _"Stop." His voice was louder than he anticipated. He looked around but no one seemed to be paying attention to them except Lori. He locked eyes with her momentarily before she broke eye contact. He turned his attention back to Michonne who was staring at him, her face full of confusion._

"What?"

 _He shook his head. "You gotta stop. Stop trying to put my marriage back together." He held his hands in front of him, not sure of what he was doing with them. Maybe it was emphasis. "It's not going to happen. You can't fix us. And even if you did, the emptiness you feel would still be there. Then you'd need something else to take away from the hole in your heart. It's not your job."_

 _"That's not-"_

 _He leaned in closer to her. "Then what is it? Why are you trying so hard? Why are you fighting to give me something that I don't even want for myself?" His voice more gentle._

 _He sat patiently and waited for her, knowing whatever it was wouldn't be easy for her to admit to herself._

 _"Because I can't give Hershel his leg. Can't bring back Andrea's sister. Can't..."_

 _"Can't bring your son back," he said softly. "And I'm sorry for that." The idea of losing a child made him sick. If he lost Carl or Judith he wasn't sure he could come back from that. She told him about that time, before she saved Andrea, when she roamed the countryside for weeks alone. Her strength was unparalleled. He wasn't close to having that courage during that type of pain. He admired her. Looked up to her just as much as Carl did. His son's word for her was awesome and he agreed._

 _"So it's either find The Governor or fix your marriage. You telling me I have a better chance of finding and killing him?"_

 _He shrugged._

 _"Maybe the next time Daryl is out I'll go with him to find someone for Hershel."_

 _"How about you find someone for yourself."_

 _"Eh, boring."_

 _"What do you want for yourself? Your life?"_

 _She held her head down. "I just want to do more than breathe. I want more happiness and joy than pain and sadness. I guess that's too much to ask for." She looked at him, all eyes wide and hopeful. "Is that too much to ask for now?"_

 _"I don't know what life is supposed to be now. Waking up and seeing my boy and my little girl is life. I guess that's why I enjoy the garden. Growing things for people to eat. It gives me a purpose when I wake up each morning. But this life has given me time to have real conversations with my boy about the man I want him to be."_

 _"And what kind of a man must you be in this world?"_

 _"I'm still working on that. I mean, being kind can get you killed but I don't want him to be a monster. He's a kid; it's easy to forget that. He watches us and he doesn't know how to make the distinctions we make. When to pull the trigger and when to make peace. Sometimes we get that wrong. I was right about Tomas but wrong about Oscar. He lost his life to help save Maggie and Glenn. I turned Tyreese and Sasha away." He looked at her. "I was ready to hand you over to The Governor."_

 _"But you didn't."_

 _"No, I didn't. My grandfather always said to love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe."_

 _"Wise words."_

 _"Yep. Just don't know how to apply it to the world today."_

 _Carl was surrounded by enough good people, that between them all, they would steer him in the right direction._


	12. Chapter 11: Turning Tides

**I read an article written by a woman whose husband suffered amnesia after a slip and fall accident. After 30 years together, he had no idea who she was and didn't remember their life together. In fact, he forgot world events and didn't understand how it could be cold in one place while warm in another city at the same time. In my mind, in this story, Rick has amnesia and he does not remember what happened after the prison fell and that includes his relationship with Michonne. Sorry, he doesn't just feel this fairy tale love for her deep down in his bones. And no, they were not in love at the prison.**

 **This is not a Rick/Lori love story. All I can say is, some people have a difficult road to travel to get to their Happily Ever After.**

* * *

 **Chapter 11: Turning Tides  
** **Michonne  
** **Thursday**

It was coming back to him. There wasn't a doubt in her mind. She wanted to tell him things, lead him in the direction toward remembering their relationship. Spending time with him at the office was simultaneously wonderful and tortuous. She was happy just to be around him and hurt that there was a distance between them that felt like the Atlantic Ocean. It took all the restraint she had to not throw herself in his arms. She ached to kiss him and hug him. To wrap her arms around his waist and lay her head against his chest and feel him breathe.

She wanted to say something, ask him questions that would have led to more but she wasn't prepared at that moment to have that conversation so she remained silent. It had to be done right. Delicately. Because how would she explain not saying something earlier? She knew him. Knew he would feel like a fool once he knew the truth. This had to be done sooner rather than later. Of that, she was sure. It couldn't be done on a whim. A plan was necessary, that was a valuable thing Rick taught her. Losing him to anyone, even Lori, wasn't in her plans.

There was still that closeness but it was platonic. Between them were still the inside jokes and the light ribbing at each other's expense. But the lack of the more that she didn't know she needed until she had it with him was a far cry from what they were days ago. When she left Alexandria he was her lover. She returned to a friend. It was a devastating backslide. The world was cruel enough, but to pretend he wasn't her world, to watch him walk off with another woman, was the cruelest charade imaginable.

She made her way to the infirmary determined to gain whatever information she could in order to set a plan in motion to gain her life back. Because Rick wasn't the only one whose life was turned upside down and into a state of chaos when he hit his head and lost his memory. She finally let her heart lead her and it gave her love and she couldn't lose it, not again. Not like this. This life now, it didn't work without him.

She arrived at Denise's door and then she froze. Maybe Denise wasn't the best person for this. She was a bit weird. When she was a little girl, her mother told her weird wasn't a nice word. Eccentric, unconventional, marched to the beat of her own drum. Whatever it was, she wasn't sure Denise was who she wanted to spill her heart to, reveal her pain. Instead of knocking she turned and began to walk away. She made it down the steps when she heard the door open. She turned to see Denise standing in the doorway.

She held a small box in her hand. "Hi. Were you coming in?"

Michonne remained silent.

"I saw you standing there." She opened the door wider. "Come in."

"You look busy," she said with a nod of her head at the box in her hand.

Denise looked down. "This? Oh no, just about to count bandages." She rolled her eyes and waved her arms. "Please, save me."

Michonne scanned the street almost searching for a reason to postpone this. She didn't want to share her concerns and insecurity with Denise but the desperation for the life she loved won out and she followed Denise into the infirmary.

"Have a seat."

"That's okay. I won't be long. Are we alone?" She looked around the first floor as she walked around. Everything was in its place. There was order. It looked sterile, even. A worn out open copy of _Moby Dick_ and a mug emitting steam sat on the table near the window. That's how she saw her coming.

"Yes, we are. What can I do for you? Feeling bad? Now that the weather is getting a little cooler it's probably a cold, but like I told the others, I can't give you anything for that. Although if it's worse a few antibiotics would help. I believe this is a first. You've never been sick."

She almost looked excited at the prospect of her being sick. She hated to disappoint her. "I don't get sick."

"Soooo..."

"I'm here because of Rick."

"Is he okay? He hasn't been back and I haven't checked on him. I guess I should do that." She placed the box down and grabbed her brown satchel.

She closed her eyes and took a breath and just went for it. "When is he going to get better? What's wrong with him?"

"I..."

"Will he regain his memory?" She opened her eyes slowly and looked in Denise's direction but avoided eye contact.

Denise placed her bag on the table and shook her head quickly. "I shouldn't talk to you about his condition. HIPAA laws-"

At hearing that answer she looked at the doctor. "Denise." Rick was probably sharing a bed with Lori; she was too afraid to ask him about how things were going in his marriage. She didn't care about laws, rules, privacy, none of that. "What laws?" She spoke softly. "I'd like to know if I'll get my..." She let her words trail off and left the unknown hanging in the air between them.

She was too embarrassed, too exposed and vulnerable standing there admitting she was scared she'd never have Rick again.

"Okay, I didn't mean to... I understand. Sorry." She adjusted her glasses. "It's retrograde amnesia. If he remembers things it could happen out of order. Like a gigantic jigsaw puzzle, he'll start getting the pieces before he has the full picture."

"If he gets enough pieces he could eventually see the full picture once things start connecting, right?"

"Lord willing and the creek don't rise."

Michonne stared at her. "Is that the medical school terminology?"

"Sorry," she said as her pale skin began to turn pink. "You guys from Georgia have the best sayings. Hams my biscuit...that was Eugene. Although, he's actually from Texas so..." She shrugged. "Lord willing, that was Hershel. I like that one best. It's my favorite. We don't have sayings like that in Ohio. Not anything that good anyway. You probably don't have sayings like that where you're from."

"I came from Georgia with the rest of them."

"Yeah, but you're different from the others." She gave her a little smile. "Right? I can tell."

Was it that obvious? Probably not, but Denise seemed to be the type that said little but observed a lot and more than likely, that didn't start with the end of the world. Michonne didn't have Maggie and Rick's accents. She didn't have Hershel's southern wisdom or Daryl's southern charm for lack of a better word. But they were all her family.

Most people didn't know much about Michonne's history. She liked it that way. Information beget questions. Questions typically led to information she didn't want to share. After she gave answers about her parents and siblings it would undoubtedly graduate to marriage and kids.

"I'm originally from San Francisco. I moved to Atlanta after college."

Denise smiled, clearly proud of herself. "I knew it."

"So, you said _if_ he gets his memory back it could be in pieces. Does that mean there is a chance he'll never get his memory back?"

"Have a seat. Please," she said gently as she sat.

Michonne gave in and sat across from Denise. If she were willing to tell Michonne anything that could help her with Rick the least she could do was sit.

"There is that possibility. But if he never regains his memory then he'll just fall in love with you all over again."

She was stunned into silence and desperate to believe that was possible. But how could he fall in love with her while actively trying to make things work with Lori? That wasn't the case when she and Rick developed feelings for each other. He was available then, not now.

Denise continued. "I see it. The way he looked at you. The way he always searched for you when something bad happens. There was something strong from the moment I saw you two together. I'm not saying I knew you were a couple or would become one but it was intense. You know, most people have problems seeing their strength. That's not your problem. You're strong. You're so strong and you know it. Everyone knows it. _You_ have to learn that it's okay to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is not the same as weakness."

"What are you?" She rolled her eyes. "A psychologist?"

"A psychiatrist, actually. Or, I was. It's what I did."

Michonne shifted in her seat and stared at Denise, wondering if this woman was telling the truth or was it some sort of awkward attempt at a joke. She had a hard time imagining her helping people resolve their issues. She wouldn't call on her in a crisis but then again this same woman saved Carl's life.

"How did you know how to save Carl?"

"Well, psychiatrists go through medical school and complete clinical rotations." She leaned forward. "You're an amazing person Michonne. And I'll tell you this, if he doesn't remember but you act differently and treat him differently you might mess up the universe and make it so you never fall in love again."

"How am I supposed to act the same when things are so different?"

The door opened and Carol walked in with Francine who looked haggard and that was putting it nicely.

"What's going on?" Denise asked as she stood.

Michonne stood up and moved away in order to give them space and then she realized it as an opportunity to leave and inched toward the door.

"Nothing," Francine said. "Just Carol looking to be the town mom."

"She's running a fever and she almost passed out just from swinging a hammer."

"Have a seat over here," Denise said as she handed her a clipboard with a piece of paper on it. "Fill this out."

Michonne looked back to see Carol staring at her. She didn't want to deal with a potential awkward situation, at least not in front of others. "I better get going. Thanks for the help Denise."

"Anytime. Keep hope alive."

Everyone stared at her.

"I didn't mean that in the...the Martin Luther King way. I just meant-"

"Jesse Jackson." Michonne cut her off to prevent her from digging deeper. She walked out of the infirmary. The weather seemed to have changed while she was in the infirmary. A blanket of gray clouds settled over Alexandria hiding the sun and making it feel noticeably cooler. Just as she made it to the steps she heard the door open. She might never make it off those stairs.

"Michonne."

She smiled to herself. Knowing Carol the way she did, she knew she couldn't help but come out and say something to her. She turned and faced her. This wasn't the woman Andrea described, someone afraid of her own shadow. She saw that early on when she arrived at the prison. She was smart and competent, not afraid to speak up and she was always the first to step up for whatever the group needed. But from the prison to Alexandria she became even more assertive.

"Yes?"

"How are you doing?" She closed the door behind her and pulled her sweater tighter against her.

"You mean am I about one second from blowing up the marriage reunion?" That was even more insight than she planned on sharing with Carol so she could go back and tell Lori. "I'm okay. Was that all you needed?"

Carol remained silent then took a few steps toward her. "I know this must be hard for you."

It must be hard? Her boyfriend lost his memory and was now dating his ex-wife while she had a front row seat. Yeah, she'd say it was pretty hard. "You know that huh? Did you know about her plan?"

"It wasn't like that." She shook her head gently and gave a sympathetic smile. "She didn't have a plan. This was Rick's idea. It's what he wanted."

"That make it okay? That a man who lost his memory..." She sighed. "Have you talked to her?"

Silence. She always liked Carol but it was always from a distance. She figured it was because of Lori. She knew Lori didn't care for her long before she and Rick fell in love because her friendship with Rick and Carl bothered Lori. They weren't enemies but they were far from friends and because of that, Carol had to choose her side. It wasn't that Carol was ever rude to her; they were simply cordial. Admittedly, a little more than Lori and Michonne. And definitely more than Andrea and Lori. The dynamics were hard. Maggie seemed to be the only one who got along with everyone equally.

Michonne nodded her head and watched a couple of kids running down the sidewalks, still programmed not to play in the street even though there were no cars. "Right. You're her friend."

"I'm your friend too. Just like Denise, Hershel, and Maggie are your friends. They know."

"I know." So she couldn't be mad at Carol if she wasn't mad at them, that's what Carol was saying. But she _was_ angry with Carol because she had a feeling not once did she call Lori out for her antics. She was upset at Glenn, Maggie, Hershel, Andrea, and even Carl because she shouldn't have to be the one to tell Rick the truth. Since she joined this group she looked out for everyone, put everyone before her and now she got a broken heart.

"And you know, Michonne. Why haven't _you_ told him? Everyone will applaud your martyrdom but it won't get you what you want. He'll be angry with Lori for not telling him. How do you think he'll feel about you not telling him? It's not fair the rest of us are expected to get in the middle of this. If we say something, we risk betraying Lori. If we don't, it's betraying you. But all the while, we're all betraying Rick."

She didn't answer. She didn't have an answer. She walked away. More than anything, she was angry at her own fear. Fear of rejection. She was angry with herself for thinking what was best for Rick was to let him pursue what he wanted or at least what he thought he wanted. He wanted to make things work with Lori and she saw the look on his face when he said it. It was real. He was determined. What if he didn't want to walk away from Lori even after he knew the truth? Then what would she do? What could she cling onto as hope?

Just as she made it to the front of her brownstone she saw Rick a couple of houses away and he waved to her. She waited for him as he trotted up to her. She had it bad because she couldn't help but think of how sexy he looked casually running toward her.

"Get it together," she muttered to herself as she held her head down and pushed a rock with the tip of her shoe.

"Where you been?"

"Seeing Denise." She looked up at him.

He frowned and gave her a quick once over. "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. It was just some administrative stuff. Where are you headed?"

"Nowhere in particular." He smiled and leaned into her. "You wanna go nowhere with me?" He nodded his head in a direction off to the side.

They did nothing and nowhere together effortlessly. Beautifully. It was some of the best times she had since life changed. Being alone with him, even before she realized she loved him, was heaven on earth. Sweet relief. Needed solace. They could talk about anything, food; traveling; politics; football. It didn't matter. They could even sit in silence which was comforting on those hard days when they lost someone or something.

"I would love to go nowhere with you." She let that linger for a moment as she took in his playful smile. "But I have to get my bag. I'm going on a run."

"Kind of late isn't it?" He looked up at the sky. "It'll be dark in a couple of hours."

"We'll be back long before that."

"We? Who are you going with?"

"Abraham, Tara, Heath, and Andrea."

"Why so many people?"

"I think we're all just a little restless."

He bit his bottom a lip. A sign he was uncertain, questioning. She let him say what he needed to say at his own pace. Sometimes when she knew what he wanted to say before he did, he could get a little annoyed.

"Everyone has a job, things to keep them occupied."

"Everyone wants to do their part."

"You were just out there. You had your meeting. You were gone for days. Why go back out? You running again?"

She stared at him as every part of her screamed for her to tell him. And her mind scrambled to find a way to keep him there when he looked like he was about to walk away.

"Or are you running to something? Chance to see your boyfriend?"

"No, nothing like that."

"Well, be careful out there."

"I always am."

"Behave," Rick said with grin.

"What's the point in living if you're just going to follow the rules?" Michonne said with a small smile.

It was a play on an interaction they had with each other dozens of times. Usually she was the one telling him to behave and he wanted to know the point of it all.

"You sure you're okay? You seem a little..."

"A little what?"

He stared at her. Studied her. That's what she wanted but then she didn't because he was good at reading her. Too good. She wanted him to know something wasn't right but she wasn't ready for the truth to come out on the streets of Alexandria. He knew so much about her. He knew when her mouth was spouting lies because he told her he could always spot the truth in her eyes. She diverted her eyes down at her boots, praying he didn't catch the pain in them.

"Off."

"Off?" She asked.

"Off."

She shrugged. "I'm okay."

"You're not. But when you're ready, you come find me."

She nodded.

"See ya," he said, his hand on her shoulder as he walked past her.

They didn't start saying certain things to each other until after they arrived in Alexandria. She turned around and watched him as he walked away. More jigsaw pieces were falling into place. Had to be. The boss comment was something they shared here in Alexandria as well. She would spend her night thinking of when to tell him and more important, how to tell him.

Instead of going home she went to Andrea's apartment. She was no longer in the mood to go outside the walls, not to mention her head wouldn't be in the game. That was dangerous not only for her but everyone else out there as well.

Andrea opened the door. "Hey, I'm almost ready. Come in."

She entered and closed the door behind her. "I'm not going on the run."

"What? Why? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Migraine. With everything going on, the weather and people getting sick I just want to try prevent it from becoming something more. And I haven't slept much since I got back. I hope it's just the lack of sleep."

"Man, is it like the last migraine?"

It was believable because she had a history of migraines everyone knew about since back at the prison.

"Not as bad but a dark room and quiet will do me some good."

"Okay, I'll check on you when we get back."

She shook her head. "Don't bother. Hopefully I'll be asleep. You might wake me up."

"I wish we could do something about these migraines."

"Well, if we can find some topamax that would be nice. If not, I'm gonna have to stick to dark rooms and quiet." She looked at Andrea and could see her concern. "It could be worse. I could be insulin diabetic or asthmatic."

"Still doesn't make it easier seeing you in pain." She pulled Michonne into a hug.

She hated lying to Andrea but she wanted to be alone and she didn't want to talk about her feelings.

"I got some soup in the fridge. I'll make you a bowl so you don't have to worry about cooking."

Before she could refuse Andrea was already headed to the kitchen.

She put the tupperware bowl in the fridge knowing she wouldn't eat it that night. For the last three days her dinner had been tears. She was exhausted from the lack of sleep. This bed wasn't the same without him.

"Shit." He was undoubtedly the love of her life and not just life after the world changed.

She had to tell him. Carol was right; she was being a martyr and frankly it was a stupid move on her part. Whatever consequences that held for Lori was Lori's burden to bear. She never wanted to hurt Carl's mother. When Lori hurt, no matter the stone face he tried to show, Carl hurt.

* * *

 _ **On a run near Alexandria**_

 _"I really can't believe you two," she said as they stood at the lake's edge._

 _Somewhere at the bottom of the lake was a truck full of food and supplies. Toothpaste, food, batteries, shampoo. The more she thought about it the more she wanted to toss him in that lake._

 _"It all just happened."_

 _"It just happened?"_

 _"You had to be there, in the moment." He bit his bottom lip attempting to suppress his own laughter at his bonehead antics._

 _"At no point did you guys think it was best to cut your losses, stop fooling around with this weird guy, and take the truck back home?"_

 _He placed his hands on his hips as he stared out at the lake. "Like I said," he said._

 _"You had to be there," they said in unison, he was earnest while she rolled her eyes._

 _"I swear, sometimes you two go from Vincent and Jules to Beavis and Butthead." She snapped her fingers. "Just like that."_

 _He laughed. "I was thinking more like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid."_

 _She snorted. "In your dreams. Neither one of you looks like a young Robert Redford or Paul Newman."_

 _She refused to believe their story when he returned home. She figured he simply didn't want to admit they struck out again and didn't find anything. Both Daryl and Rick prided themselves on being able to find something during their scavenging where others came up empty. True to form, truth was stranger than fiction._

 _"I wonder if any of it is still salvageable." She stared out at the lake._

 _"There's one way to find out," he said._

 _"How?"_

 _He pulled his shirt out of his jeans._

 _"What are you doing?"_

 _"Maybe the lake isn't that deep."_

 _"It's deep enough to cover a truck."_

 _He shrugged. "Okay, but that doesn't mean we can't get to it. And while we're in there we can go for a swim."_

 _"Oh sorry. I forgot to pack my swimsuit."_

 _"We don't need swimsuits," he said with a wiggle of his eyebrows._

 _She stared at him as he stood there all devilish. "No way."_

 _He looked her up and down. "You got nothing to be shy about."_

 _"Thanks for the compliment but no thanks. Getting naked in a lake that has who knows what in it is not my idea of fun." The idea of not knowing what was down there was worse than anything. Something could be down there waiting to attack. If something touched her she would run on water to get to land. She believed in letting animals roam their domain freely without her intrusion._

 _"You've never skinny dipped?"_

 _Every time they shared these moments she learned something new about him. Usually something that taught her things about him she never could have imagined based on the man she knew in this crazy world. Skinny dipping is far too wild for someone so measured and disciplined as Rick._

 _"Where would I skinny dip? In the city pool?" She shook her head. "Not my thing. That's your country boy life."_

 _"Sorry, we didn't have country clubs."_

 _"Neither did I. But things changed when I was older. You create the life you want to live."_

 _"There's no one around," he said as he looked around. "It's about a quarter of a mile between the road and the lake."_

 _She wasn't convinced._

 _"And the lake is surrounded by trees."_

 _The tall pine trees did serve as a buffer to any potential prying eyes._

 _"I don't know what would blind me more, the sun or your pale ass. Not gonna happen."_

 _"You're nuts." He said._

 _"I'm more sane than you."_

 _"Yeah," he laughed. "That's like being the skinny kid at fat camp."_

 _She laughed. "Behave."_

 _"What's the point in living if you're just going to follow the rules?"_

 _"Wow, what's gotten into you?"_

 _"What?"_

 _"You're like a different person_ _since we arrived in Alexandria_ _." She sat down and leaned against the trunk of a tree._

 _"Thanks to you and Glenn and Maggie. You guys understood what this is to live in Alexandria and you all tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. Well, I'm listening now."_

 _"I'm glad. I can't wait to see what we all make of this opportunity. Maybe we'll start civilization over again. Currency, government, mass productions. I can't believe it's all gone. There must be people who can get those things going again."_

 _He lay on his back. "I want Carl and especially Judith to have what we had."_

 _"They may not have it all," she said. "But they'll have the good things; the things that matter." She smiled. "And if they're lucky, a father who learns how to bring back food and supplies."_

 _Rick laughed. "You never give it a rest. Never."_

 _It was another two hours of sitting by the lake before they finally left and headed home. It was easy, out there by the lake, to life was not the same, especially when you're having fun with your best friend._


	13. Chapter 12: Someday Never Came

**Chapter 12: Someday Never Came  
Lori  
Thursday**

Honestly, how did she get here? It stung like hell when Rick left her and the kids to be with Michonne. She cried for days. It helped that neither of them seemed to be the PDA type so it took a while for people to find out they were a new couple. But the last couple of weeks she had not only grown accustomed to it, she found herself unbothered by it. That wasn't completely true. She wasn't _as_ bothered as when it first happened. She believed there would always be a part of her that felt almost territorial over Rick. That would never want to see him with another woman. It wasn't because she didn't want him to be happy. She just never imagined herself strong enough to accept it. After all, he was her first love. She was his. They were husband and wife. But to her surprise, she did begin to move on. Slowly, but she was moving on.

In the small notebook by her bed was a new world bucket list she started a few weeks ago. She grabbed one of the school Spanish textbooks and twice a week met with Rosita for practice sessions. There would be no trips to Spain to study for but she was doing this for herself. Not for Rick and not for her kids. It was something new. Something different. Something just for her. Not having Rick, him not being a primary focus of her life wasn't as shattering as she thought once she started doing other things. She and a few of the other ladies who didn't go out and take on the world like Sasha, Andrea, and Michonne even started a little fitness group.

She was feeling better, living better but the urge to say yes when Rick wanted her back took over; it was almost reflexive, like she had no control. She felt compelled to say yes because she had wanted it for so long. But did she need to say yes? Did she want to go back to being Rick's wife when part of her believed he would never completely love her as he had before? Being his wife but not his love felt like a cheap consolation prize.

She always had a fantasy of what marriage and love were supposed to be even before she met Rick. But her marriage to Rick was always filled with as much doubt and insecurity as love. Without hesitation, she could say there was love but there was other stuff that ate at her and their marriage. He was such a good man and such a great provider she thought that was supposed to be enough. That's how she was raised, believing a man showed his ultimate love by providing for his family. And there was no doubt Rick did that. Often she reprimanded herself for feeling her life lacked something that would make her happier. She just wasn't grateful enough, she figured. She should be happy with her life with Rick because so many women would give anything to have what she had.

That included her mother who constantly gushed over Rick. She watched her mother remain with her father during all his affairs and boozing. She remained devoted and miserable, far more miserable than Lori had ever been. Not until her father died did her mother blossom and really come into her own. Over fifty but had men young enough to be her son flocking to her. That made Lori wonder if there could be more for her if she ever gained the courage to make a change in her life.

Why was she trying so hard to be with Rick when back at the prison and in Alexandria before his accident he made it clear he didn't want her? She loved the good man he was. Loved the amazing father he was. The friend, the leader, a man who tried to always do the right thing. They were all admirable and impossible to not cherish. All of that didn't make her happy before the world changed. But this was a new world, a scary world and a man with those qualities weren't in abundance. So maybe it wasn't until now did she fully understand what she had.

Their talk the day before was tough. All their talks were that way whether if was before he was shot, the outskirts of Atlanta, the farm, the prison, in Alexandria, they never shied from saying something to each other that caused more distance and pain. At the end of the day, where did talking get them when it came to their marriage? Talk, talk, talk. Maybe there was nothing else to talk about.

"Hi."

She looked up to see Ross walking up to the house pushing his daughter in her stroller. She smiled. "Hello."

"Mind if Ella and I join you?"

"No, not at all. Please." She stood and watched them.

He took Ella out of the stroller and took the steps two at a time then sat next to Lori on the swing. She watched as the little one squirmed until finally he relented and allowed her to walk around the porch.

"Where's Judith?"

"Nap." She held up the baby monitor.

"I suppose Ella should be doing the same but sometimes I think 'forget the schedule,' I just want to spend time with her."

"I think that's okay."

"I always regret it when it's time for bed though."

She laughed.

"How's Rick doing?"

Just like that, the upswing in her mood took a bit of a hit hearing Rick's name. And that realization made her sad.

"He's better."

"I haven't seen him out too much. Did he get his memory back?"

"Um, not yet."

"Well, hopefully soon."

"Yes. Hopefully."

"I was surprised to see you two together the other day since Michonne is back."

She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Rick wanted to be around the kids. With not having his memory back we're hoping it jogs his memory faster."

The truth would not be a good look. No one would understand her feeling of elation over the prospect of a second chance with Rick when he said he wanted to make their marriage work. He even said her words back to him: time to get the house in order. And it was almost like vindication or validation for her actions back at the prison when she kept trying when everyone looked at her with pity, eyes almost pleading for her to stop trying because she was only embarrassing herself.

"Michonne is an incredible woman." He chuckled. "I can't imagine many women being okay with their boyfriend living with their ex-wife."

She almost blurted out wife, not ex-wife, but what would that gain her but more accusations of delusion. "She makes him happy." Happier than she ever made him it seemed.

He watched Ella walk, seeming to check out her surroundings. "She's looking more and more like her mother. Sometimes that makes me smile and sometimes it makes me cry."

Ella wasn't much younger than Judith. She heard the story but not from him. There was no television and they had the same movies, books, and magazines. Sooner or later everyone knew everyone's story. Lives became soap operas. Past lives became classic movies. Ella was born outside these walls. Ross had to deliver his baby on his own and his wife didn't make it. He had to put her down. She couldn't imagine the pain that caused his heart. She didn't know how he recovered.

"I'm sorry for your loss."

He turned and looked at her with a faint smile. She imagined he heard that sympathy more times than he could count and at this point it probably felt empty.

"When Delilah, my wife, passed, I wanted to run away as fast as I could and as far as I could but as hard as I tried I couldn't escape the pain. It was my pain and it had a plan. A plan for me and my life. You can't escape pain. You have to learn how to deal with it or it eats you up."

Pain had a plan?

"Are you saying everything happens for a reason? Because I never understood that. I never understood why bad things happen to good people. Like, what was the reason Hershel had to bury his daughter, Sasha had to bury her brother?" She shook her head, staring into space. "It doesn't make sense to me."

"Life happens. Pain, loss, death, joy, love. It takes you on a ride and all you can do is deal with it best you can. Maybe the death isn't the plan but the pain, it makes you or breaks you. It's your choice. If we choose right, it makes us stronger and that makes us better. I can sit around and lose it over my wife but I have a daughter and we're safe. You can't let the loss make you so jaded that you don't appreciate what you have. That's the easy route, the weak route. Because we get to a point when the sadness and the self-pity becomes a choice. I choose to remember the good times with my wife, appreciate today, and look forward to tomorrow."

She thought about her earlier conversation with Glenn and Maggie and even though everything they said was right, she still found herself defending her desire to hold onto something that was no longer hers. Life as Rick's wife was no longer hers. That wasn't life's plan. She could fight that or she could choose to be happy. The only thing was, she didn't know what her plan was. What in this life was hers besides her kids?

"When do you come out of it?" She asked as she stared out at the view before them. "Feeling lonely?"

He placed his hand on top of hers and smiled when she looked over at him. "Eventually."

xXxXx

The lights in the house were on. When she finished cleaning up she'd turn them off like they were supposed to do and use the lanterns and candles. The house was quiet despite everyone except Rick being home. She bent over and picked up a stuffed animal. Each time she picked up what she thought was the last toy she spotted another. Under the table, under the couch, stuffed between the cushions. How could one little girl who could barely walk make such a mess, she wondered as she picked up Judith's toys, her little sock, and a barrette.

She sat on the couch and her mind wandered to what she had been thinking about the entire day.

Carl was right. It wasn't fair to Rick. It wasn't fair to Michonne, who had always done right by Lori.

Carol was right. She needed to be the one to tell him the truth because maybe that would make it easier for him to forgive her when the time came.

Glenn was right. Rick was remembering things. And it had to come from her because everyone else basically followed her lead. She put them all in awkward positions for the last four days.

Ross was right. It was time to choose happiness. She never forgot what Rick said when he packed his things and moved out. _Don't you want more?_ She did. She wanted more. She wanted the looks, the joy, the understanding, the love he was no longer able to give her since the farm.

When Rick entered the house she immediately saw the scratch on his cheek. She tossed Judith's things on the couch. "What happened to you?"

He shrugged it off. He would shrug off a bullet wound. He actually had shrugged off bullet wounds before. "Not looking where I was going. Branch from a tree is all." He was back to wearing his gun and holster that he placed on the sofa table behind the couch.

"Sit down," she said. She went into the kitchen and returned with a bottle of peroxide and a Q-tip. It reminded her of the early years in their marriage when he would come home after a shift with scratches and cuts, half of which he couldn't remember how he got. When she returned he was still standing in the same place.

"Sit."

He sat on the couch and she stood directly in front of him.

"You don't have to-"

"It's not brain surgery. I'm just cleaning a scratch. Nothing time consuming. No bother."

"Where are the kids?"

"Upstairs. Judith is hyper. She was in Carl's room the last time I checked on her." She paused for a moment and smiled. "She follows him around the same way he used to follow you around when he was her age. I've never seen a big brother love his little sister so much. Makes me proud. We did good."

"Yeah."

Though the world was hell, they spoke of family, love, and loyalty. What she received from these people she didn't know was so much more than she received from her blood relatives back before the world went to shit. It didn't compare. Glenn, Maggie, Hershel, Carol - they were the true definition of family. Rick had everything to do with that and it's why she prayed he would still see her as part of that family.

"There." She touched his cheek and his fluttered for a second.

That small act. It was a stark difference from the way he cringed when she tried to touch him in the past, back when even her hand on his shoulder made him pull away. And that made her hurt even more. It wasn't the pain of him not wanting to be with her. It was that he was so clear about it but she thought she could change his mind. That relentless and unrequited hope she had took its toll on her. It changed her and she didn't even realize it.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," he said as he looked up at her.

She opened her eyes to see him staring up at her. "I'm not." She dropped her hand from his face.

He frowned. She understood his confusion. He always wondered why she wanted to fight, have it out, scream at the top of his lungs if that's what he felt. Maybe because she knew deep down they were both keeping some very important feelings bottled up. Life changing feelings. He thought she liked the drama but it wasn't like that. She thought if they just cut loose, spoke instead of parsed their words, that their unfiltered truth would come to light and they would be all the better for it. Even back then, that scared her just as much as it excited her.

"Rick, I think what was said was a good start to us being friends. Real friends. We have to be honest about how we feel because we can't help how we feel." She began to walk off, to return the peroxide to it's place when he grabbed her wrist and halted her movement.

"I'm sorry." He stood up. From his touch she felt a rush of emotions wash over her from shock to happiness and it all culminated with an audible sob as she cried. She buried her face in her hands.

"What's wrong?"

She moved her hands so they weren't covering her mouth. "I don't know. I'm just kind of all over the place right now. All I've wanted for so long was for you to touch me." He hadn't done so since the farm. That had been almost two years ago. She had no real affection from him since then. "I've wanted this for so long but it can't be like this."

"What can't be like this?" He asked.

When she didn't answer he pulled back and held her at arm's length. "What's going on?"

"Sit down. I need to tell you something and I pray you don't hate me." She sat on the couch and waited for him to join her.

He seemed unsure and looked as confused as when he was in the infirmary days ago and didn't know where he was. "I won't hate you." He spoke so softly she wasn't sure if he had confidence in his own words.

"You've been known to."

He sighed. "I really don't want to have to defend that. Tell me what's wrong."

She took one of his hands in hers. "When you woke up from the coma I was so happy you were okay. I was relieved. Carl was near panic. He hardly slept or ate. He was by your bedside each day, all day." She placed her other than over her heart. "I didn't know if you would wake up so to see you sitting there was like a gift from above."

"Lori, what is it?"

"And when you talked to me and you said..." She took a deep breath and then another as she physically felt her heart pounding. The fear was palpable. "Do you think you stopped being mad and wanted another chance because of your amnesia?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, I still remembered how messed up we were at the prison in the beginning. How many problems we had. That's not forgotten. But you have to accept things you can't change and put them to rest for what's best in the end."

"Why did you want to give us another chance?"

"I realized it didn't have to be that way. Life is too short now. We don't measure our time in years anymore. It's days now. I also know that we got a little better when we were at the prison."

Actually, he simply tolerated her but it didn't stop her from believing it could be their chance to start over. But when they arrived in Alexandria he started to retreat from her again.

She nodded. "Yeah."

"When I woke up I felt like I was back at the hospital waking up for the first time."

She placed her hand gently against the side of his face. "That must have been horrible."

"And just like the first time, my family was my first thought. I felt like it was a second chance. My _second_ second chance at putting my family back together."

"You always speak of putting your family together but not as much about our marriage."

"Lori," he said with a heavy sigh.

"And I understand why Rick." She wanted this for the kids as well.

"If this is about yesterday, I just think it'll take time. I woke up three days ago. I'm working through stuff. Wanting to try is a good first step, isn't it?"

"Yes and I appreciate you taking it but it's too late."

"What do you mean?"

"Like you said, life is short. We should spend it with people who love us. People we want to be with and not people we feel obligated to be with."

He nodded his head just slightly and he stared at her. And he kept staring and then he squinted. "Do you have someone else?"

"No, you do."

"What?"

She exhaled audibly. "When we first arrived here you lived here but it was for the kids which is why you slept in the downstairs bedroom. A couple of months ago you moved out. " She looked at him. "You moved out to be with her."

"Her?"

From the day Michonne arrived at the prison to the day Rick finally admitted his feelings for her, all that time seemed to flash before Lori's eyes. Watching this wild, strange, antagonistic woman go from being an outsider, to friends with Carl, to her husband's right hand. Seeing another woman feel so at ease around her husband and child when she moved uneasy, when she felt like she was walking on eggshells.

"Michonne."

He pulled his hand away from her and collapsed back on the couch. "What?"

"That's who you were dating, in love with, before you got hurt."

"All this time since leaving the infirmary, being here and..." His head fell back against the couch and he ran his hands over his face.

"I didn't know how to tell you."

"I don't recall you ever trying."

"I know and I'm sorry. I know what I did was wrong but please try to find a way not to hate me again. I just heard you say you wanted us to be back together and I couldn't see or hear or think about anything else at that moment." She cried. "Because I've wanted that for so long. Even when we were here and you wouldn't look at me. Wouldn't talk to me. Wouldn't give me a chance. Even when you moved out, all I wanted was you and I never got over that. And sometimes I don't know if I can completely let go of wanting you but I'm going to try."

He stood up. "And what do you expect me to do now? Stay and play house?"

"No." she shook her head and looked up at him, desperate to not see hate in his eyes. "In fact, I don't think you should stay here at all." She wiped her tears. "I think you should..." He didn't need her advice. What did she know? "You should do what's best for you."

"Nothing happened, not at the prison, for what I remember anyway."

He wasn't confirming anything for her. More like talking to himself. Maybe trying to jog his memory.

"I know that." She smiled. "That's the kind of man you are. You're a good man. You stayed here, probably for months after you knew you wanted to be with her, because that's what a man with a family does. He stays because he wants to do the right thing." She shook her head. "And I appreciated that but I also took advantage of it because I didn't want you to leave because I wanted you and I was afraid of what people would say. Then and now."

"All this time," he muttered to himself as he ran his hand over his beard.

"Three days."

He looked at her with contempt and titled his head to the side. "You think that makes it okay?"

"Of course not." Michonne was much better than she was. She wasn't sure she could have stood by and let this play out like Michonne did. "She's good for you. Instead of asking you to stay and be safe, she's next to you in the middle of danger. When you had that plan about the quarry, she was the first person to volunteer."

"It's a little late for you to be playing matchmaker and cheerleader, Lori."

"I should have told you before but I'm telling you now." She hoped the truth, even in this late stage, would give her the collateral to one day be his friend.

"You want recognition for that? For figuring out there was no way out of this shit? I mean, you think I would have asked you to make things right between us had I known I was in a relationship with Michonne?"

She shook her head as she stared down at her lap, unable to look at him. It was hard to face his judgment, his anger not just because it hurt but because he was right. "No."

"Geez."

"I don't deserve credit but I am trying to make this right."

"You _saying_ that is an attempt to get credit. This is so typical."

Against her better judgment she looked up at him to find him staring at her. If she were a man he would knock her teeth down her throat right now. That was the look he was giving her.

"I think it means something that this didn't work this time. That it still didn't feel right for either one of us. I know it didn't feel right for you and it felt forced for me. I think it's us. We just don't work."

"I have a brain injury. What's been your excuse that it took so long to figure out?"

"You don't have to be mean, Rick. You know the truth. You're in a relationship, you're happy, your kids love you. You got it all."

"Not quite." He grabbed his holster and gun and walked out the door. He opened it and turned his head in her direction but didn't look at her. "I didn't even think you were capable of being this low."

He closed the door behind him.

She went out the backdoor and sat in the backyard. It was the most private place to cry her tears. Upstairs in the bedroom would be too close to the kids and Carl would hear her, not that he would probably care. Rick was angry but he didn't go ballistic on her. Hopefully that meant something. But then again, he never went ballistic. He walked away, he kept his feelings to himself, and even worst he seemed indifferent. That hurt the most.


	14. Chapter 13: Butterflies

**Chapter 13: Butterflies  
Rick  
Thursday**

The night was quiet and still. There was a slight breeze that served to cool him off just a bit but he would need tornado-like winds to cool him off completely after what Lori did. He was so mad with her that he was sweating. No one was out on the streets of Alexandria. He walked up and down the street so much, if possible he would have worn a path in the pavement. He couldn't sit still with this new information on his mind. It shook him. For Lori to use his amnesia against him in such a selfish and callous way was beyond something he thought even she was capable of doing. In fact, when he closed his eyes for a moment he could see his hands around her neck and that terrified him. The act was indefensible but the feeling was understandable. He couldn't stand the sight of her; he had to get out of that house.

He was in a relationship with Michonne? It was a shock but not out of this world if he allowed himself to think about who Michonne was and what they were to each other back at the prison. He remembered their closeness, their friendship. There were the endless talks about nothing and real stuff, both equally satisfying. He told her things he told no one else, not even Hershel. She was a great person. A great woman. She was smart, strong, passionate, and beautiful. She looked out for Carl back at the prison when he didn't even know anything was wrong with his son. Any man would be lucky to have her. He just wasn't sure when and how he went from being her friend to her lover. That was a memory he definitely wanted to regain.

He couldn't imagine what Michonne must have felt watching him walk off with Lori. What she thought when they talked in the infirmary and he told her he wanted to be with his wife again. If they were in a relationship and he didn't have amnesia he was sure he wouldn't have felt the way he did when he woke up. He wouldn't suddenly want to be with Lori over Michonne. His friendship with Michonne was so stress-free. It was the amnesia. Wasn't it? It had to be.

This called for a drink. He went back into the house thankful Lori was nowhere to be seen. He didn't want to have another talk. He wasn't interested in her excuses because nothing could justify a deceit on this level. He opened the fridge happy to see there was something more than wine in the house. He grabbed a couple of beers and went back out on the porch.

He was in a relationship with Michonne. It was going to take more than a few minutes for that to sink in. He drank from the bottle as closed his eyes and relished the taste of beer going down his throat.

The door opened and he glanced over his shoulder to see Carl. "Hey."

"Hey." He closed the door behind him.

"Your sister asleep?"

"Yeah. What are you doing out here?" He sat a lantern on the table beside Rick before sitting on the railing across from him.

"Just needed some air."

He stared at his son. Obviously he knew about his relationship with Michonne so he felt little hesitation in bringing it up. "Your mom told me Michonne and I were together before my accident. In a relationship."

Then there was a frown on his face and Rick wondered if he made the wrong assumption. Did Carl know or was his relationship with Michonne something they kept a secret? Something they kept from Carl because it may have been awkward. His friend dating his father. "Carl?" He leaned forward.

"Good."

"Good? So you did know?"

He gave a slight smile. "Of course."

He studied his son and so many things made sense. He was withdrawn the last few days but Rick chalked it up to teenage hormones. And then there was that conversation they had about Rick's head and his heart. "That's what you were trying to tell me yesterday at breakfast. Right? When you asked if my heart was telling me anything?"

Carl nodded. "Yeah. I just didn't know how. I wanted to say something because I know Michonne had to hurt even though I haven't been around her like before. I guess..." He looked down. "I guess I was embarrassed and felt a little guilty that my mom was doing this to her. And I, I didn't want you looking like a fool but..."

"You didn't want to betray your mom."

He nodded again.

Carl was loyal and he hated that his son was put in a position that made him feel he needed to choose between the people he loved. "I understand and I'm sure Michonne does too. I'm sorry you had to juggle all those loyalties. Adults, we aren't the smartest when our feelings are involved."

Carl rolled his eyes. "Yeah, this is way sloppier than Enid, Dakota, and me."

He laughed, enjoying something as normal as teenage love. He was happy his son could experience such ordinary things. "How is that going anyway?"

Carl took a deep breath and look up toward the sky. "I like Dakota. She's funny and even though she's been out there and knows what it's like she's still positive. She doesn't let it take over who she is. I like that. I like being around that. I feel like we all have a black cloud over us but Dakota," he smiled. "She something different, nicer."

"There aren't a lot of people left who see the danger and still choose to be optimistic. She sounds nice."

"She is. You know how positive Glenn is?"

"Yeah."

"That's Dakota." He looked at Rick with an earnest look on his face. "And dad, I don't think I should have to give up an innocent friendship for someone else, even Enid. Even though I care about Enid."

"That's a decision you have to make for yourself. If you don't want to be with someone who can't understand your need to have good friends then that's your right. But remember what I said, you have to value and respect your partner's feelings even if your actions and intentions are innocent."

He took the second beer and tossed it to his son.

Carl caught it and looked at it. Then he looked over at Rick. "Really?"

Rick laughed at the eagerness on his face. "Yeah. What will it hurt? You're aren't driving and it won't kill you."

"Abraham and Daryl said the drinking age is just arbitrary bullsh..."

Rick was amused at how confident his son had become in the way he spoke. He wondered if it was like this before his accident. Carl always had a mouth on him and pushed the limits but he wasn't a kid anymore. Not in how he looked, not his voice, and not his thoughts.

"Yeah, that sounds like Daryl." He wasn't sure about Abraham. He still didn't know him.

"Wait, is this better than the wine at the CDC?"

"Definitely."

He watched Carl take a sip and then another. He raised an eyebrow at his son knowing the look of someone who enjoyed the taste of his first beer.

"Not bad," Carl said before taking another sip.

"Don't let your mother know about that." Even in his anger, he still had to respect her role as mother. He knew their children, and their well-being, was always on her mind.

"What could she do? Take away my car? Not let me go to the mall?" He scowled. "She's in no position to tell me about right and wrong."

He knew his son even if he didn't remember the last year. He was angry and he would only get angrier. He had to let him go through it on his own timetable, he just hoped he would continue to respect his mother. In spite of it all, Lori was sensitive. She could interpret the smallest thing as a slight and see annoyance as hate.

In the silence his mind wandered back to Michonne. He wanted to know what their relationship was like. How long had they been together? There were so many questions but it was almost midnight. It was too late to go knocking on her door with a thousand questions whose answers would create a million more.

"This is the second time I've had to keep my mouth shut about my parents' relationships with other people."

"Shane," Rick whispered as he held his head down.

This was a conversation they never really had. A lot of things that, in the old world would have been discussed, were ignored now. Conversations a son needed to have with his father weren't as important as weapons, shelter, and food. But now those things seemed important and necessary once again. It wasn't just about survival and death, good versus evil. His son had to deal with emotions, love, urges, broken hearts.

"Yeah. I knew they were close because we knew each other before everything happened. But then it didn't seem right. It didn't feel right, you know? And they would always talk away from everyone. I finally figured it out. I saw them kiss once too. They didn't know that. I never let on that I knew about them."

"Your mom thought I was dead."

"I know. I guess I did the same thing she did. I acted like he was my dad. I'm sorry I betrayed you dad."

"Son, you didn't betray me. You were a kid. You were afraid. You had every right to try and be happy and feel safe. I don't blame anyone for what happened when I was in that hospital."

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you want to be with mom again?"

Rick took a deep breath and exhaled through his nose. "I woke up and it was like being back in that hospital and not knowing where you were. I guess," he said as he leaned back and closed his eyes. "I guess I wanted my family just like I did when I woke up from my last coma."

When he didn't hear a response he opened his eyes and looked over at Carl.

"How did you feel when your mom and I got back together?"

"I hated it."

There was a bit of him shocked to hear that. "There wasn't a part of you happy to have your parents back?"

"Not even a little bit," he said with a shake of his head.

That surprised Rick a bit. He figured all kids wanted their parents to be together. Then he remembered who he was with before his accident and the relationship Carl and Michonne shared.

"How did you feel about me and Michonne being together?"

Carl gave a slight shrug. "It was cool. Michonne makes you happy, happier than you've been in a long time. And there's something about seeing your parents happy that puts a kid at ease except mom isn't happy. I feel bad about that. I wish maybe she could find someone. I don't want her feeling like she's on the outside. Well, that's how I felt. Now I don't care."

No matter how he felt about Lori, it upset him to know his son felt such strong negative feelings toward his mother. "She's still your mom. Life has always been short now it's even shorter than we ever could have imagined. Don't lose time with your mom being angry. She's your mother."

He didn't want his son worrying about his mother like that. The world gave him enough to worry about; he didn't need to worry about his parents' emotional well-being and happiness. That wasn't his burden.

"Your mom hasn't thought about being with anyone else?" He shook his head. "Don't answer that. I shouldn't have asked you that. Your parents will be fine. Both of us. I promise you that."

"So what are you going to do?"

"The first thing I'm going to do is move out."

If he wanted Carl to love and respect his mother, he didn't need to see his father hating her. There was no way he could live in the house with Lori after what she did. Not even for the sake of the kids. And It was another betrayal. It seemed all she did was betray him, in some form or another, once the world went to shit.

"Can you handle that?" He looked at his son, sorry that he was so blunt. What was it like for Carl to see him move out the first time? Now he would leave again.

"Yeah. We'll still see you every day like before. I mean, you and Michonne live just down the street."

He remained silent.

"You're going to move back in with Michonne, right?"

"Not yet. She and I need to talk. I think it'd be strange to move in and act like things were the same as before when I can't remember."

"And after staying here with mom."

Rick nodded. "That too." He took another pull from his beer.

"You and mom didn't..."

"Didn't what?" His stomach jumped up to his throat because he was sure what his son was asking.

"You slept in Judith's room every night?"

"I did."

"Hey dad?"

"Yeah son?"

"What if you never remember? Will you try to be with Michonne anyway?"

So many questions and no answers. Would he be with her because he was with her before? Would he be able to fall in love with her again? Was it love, real love? He didn't know how long they were together or the feelings they shared. He could only imagine he didn't enter into it casually. Not after everything she meant to him back at the prison. That friendship was too valuable to endanger without a lot of thought. He tried to think back to their time at the prison and recall if there were feelings back then. So far he wasn't able to pinpoint any signs.

"I don't know. I don't even remember what we were like in a relationship."

"Happy. You both laughed a lot. With each other a lot more than you laughed with other people. It was kind of crazy. You acted less mature than me and Enid. Giggling, tickling each other. Corny jokes. You finished each other's sentences. That was even more annoying."

If it was like that, and he imagined it was, he needed to know why she didn't tell him. She had numerous opportunities. When they were alone at the model home the day before would have been perfect. But she didn't tell him.

"Why don't you go to talk to her?"

"In the morning. It's late." And he was afraid and didn't know what to say. He was afraid he'd hear something else he wasn't prepared for.

"Tell me about Enid. Maybe one of us can go to sleep tonight feeling a little better about our situation."

Carl slid off the rail and sat in the rocking chair on the other side of the small table that held the lantern. He sat his beer down.

Rick saw a young man. It scared him and made him proud.

"Well dad, it's complicated."

He smiled. "It always is Carl. It always is."

XxXxX

He knocked on Daryl's door. Maybe he could crash on his couch, if he wasn't already using it. The thought of sleeping in the same house with Lori didn't interest him at all.

"Hey."

"Hey. Mind if I sleep on your couch tonight?"

"Nah." He opened the door wider and turned off and walked back into the apartment. "Guess it'll be like old times."

This was his first time stepping foot in Daryl's place since waking up from the coma. He sat on the couch and it felt like it had never been used. On the other hand, the recliner in the corner looked like it had been put to good use. Off to the side where he imagined a dining room table should be was Daryl's motorcycle with tools tossed around on the floor near it. Classic. Very Daryl. The walls were practically bare. There was a stop sign on the wall and stop light. And the smell, how was it possible for a house with a teenage boy and a baby to smell better than Daryl's place?

"Like old times?"

Daryl came back with two small mason jars and a bottle of Johnnie Walker. He poured some for both of them. Ordinarily, after the beer he had he wouldn't bother. He needed to be alert. But after the bombshell Lori dropped on him, he didn't want to decline any offer of alcohol. They were both reclined on the couch. Slouched actually.

"I stay out of other people's business but I can't take this shit no more."

He was pretty sure he knew what Daryl was about to say. He wouldn't mind hearing how Daryl would drop the news. He imagined it wouldn't be delicate.

"I mean, it's wrong. I like Lori and all. She's a nice person but she's lost her damn mind this time."

"Just say it, Daryl."

Daryl looked over at him. "You're in love with Michonne. You two lived together before your accident. You left Lori to be with her and now you're back with Lori and shit is all screwed up. People walking around not knowing what to say."

"Thanks for telling me."

Daryl frowned.

Rick smiled.

"You already know? You got your memory back?"

"No, I don't have my memory back. Lori just told me. That's why I'm here."

"Sorry I didn't say it sooner."

"Why didn't you say it sooner?"

He had a feeling he'd be asking quite a few people that. Why didn't they tell him? Did they not approve of his relationship with Michonne? Were they on Lori's side?

"Not my business. I didn't want to get involved especially with two women. Figured someone else would tell you."

Maybe they all thought someone else would tell him the truth but in the mean time he walked around looking like a damn fool. He almost slept with Lori. He hurt Michonne. Probably confused his kids.

"Sorry," he grunted.

"I can't believe it."

"You weren't thinking. Besides, you're stupid right now. Things will work out."

Rick took a sip and coughed. That was much stronger than a beer. "Any ideas?"

He grunted. "You're asking the wrong guy. Talked to Hershel? He's right across the hall."

"Yeah. I'll do that."

After all he'd been through, this felt like a situation he was least prepared to handle.

"What did you think of my relationship with Michonne?"

Daryl shrugged. "Nothing."

Rick chuckled. "I remember nothing. Help me out here. I'm going to talk to her tomorrow. I don't want to stick my foot in my mouth and say something I shouldn't."

"It was fine. You both seemed happy."

"Did everyone accept it?"

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"I know you stick to yourself but you aren't blind."

"Some of the women didn't like it. Thought Michonne crossed a line. But the rest of us...from the prison...we knew the deal. We knew you and Lori were dead on arrival when we got to Alexandria."

"Did she have to deal with bullshit?"

"Nothing she couldn't handle. These people can't handle her. They didn't dare say anything to her face. Just some whispering."

"Sounds like her."

"So, you gonna go see her?"

"No, I think I'll wait until tomorrow."

Daryl grunted and looked at him, skepticism all over his face.

"It's late."

"Yeah, that's what it is."

"Okay, I have no idea what to say or what she's going to say or..."

"I get it."

"So tell me about this new world. Lori told me about how safe it is. I know about the farming and construction crews and electricity. But the real shit. That's what I want to know."

* * *

 _ **At the prison**_

 _"Where you headed?"_

 _He turned to see Michonne walking behind him._ _"Check the snares."_

 _"Need any help?"_

 _"Sure." He didn't need help but he didn't mind the company. Not hers anyway._

 _"Wow, this is the life. Can't get much better than wild boar over an open flame," she said as they tied the boar to a stick so they could carry it back to the prison._

 _Rick laughed. He could appreciate everything they had at the prison. It was much better than what they had while on the road. And they were alive, that was the best of all, but he could think of other situations that would be better suited for such a claim like Saturday morning tailgating at the Georgia game with Carl or hanging out on his grandfather's farm in Kentucky._

 _"What was your life like before?" He asked her as he sat on a log._

 _She joined him and stared off into the distance with a smile on her face. He could tell she was reliving some moment. Sometimes it was good to be nostalgic. It was peace of mind amid the chaos._

 _"Life was good. I had this great place in Midtown. I was walking distance to The High."_

 _"The High?"_

 _"High Museum of Art."_

 _"Walking distance of Piedmont Park. Good airport, which was great because we traveled a lot."_

 _"Business or pleasure?"_

 _"Both._ _I loved Atlanta. It's a great city. Even with so many people moving there it was still underrated. I had my favorite places. Brunch at One Eared Stag, Sublime Doughnuts." She moaned. "The white chocolate peach fritter was my favorite. Live music at Blind Willie's."_

 _"Sounds like you were enjoying life. Had your favorite Starbucks and everything."_

 _"That's for amateurs. The best coffee was at Empire State South. But yeah, I had it all. All that mattered. My son. My boyfriend. My career." She smiled._

 _He looked over at her. "You should smile more often," he said as he threw a rock against a tree. "You have a nice smile."_

 _"Thanks." Her smile faded slightly. "Not much to smile about now though."_

 _"Sure there is. Wild boar over an open flame. You learned to ride a horse. Maggie wanted to choke you a few times but you learned."_

 _They laughed._

 _She shrugged. "You got friends and family, and..."_

 _"So do you."_

 _"I don't even know most of those people. I think they think I'm weird."_

 _"You're not weird."_

 _They were headed back to the prison when he stopped._

 _"What?"_

 _"I need to get something."_

 _They lowered the boar on the ground and he squatted down._

 _"What are you doing?"_

 _He pulled a bag from his pocket. "Getting some dandelion for Terry."_

 _"Why does she want it?"_

 _"I don't know."_

 _"She didn't tell you?" She stood with her hands on her hips and looked down at him._

 _"She didn't ask me for it. I remember hearing her mention to someone she wanted some."_

 _"You know, I think there is a side to you that even surprises you." She smiled._

 _He looked up at her. "Yeah."_


	15. Chapter 14: Blame It on the Rain

Butterflies was just a play on growth for Rick and Carl. Thanks for the support everyone. I really can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

* * *

 **Chapter 14: Blame It on the Rain  
Michonne  
Friday **

Michonne was lying in bed on her back, arm over her eyes as she willed herself to start the day. What was supposed to be a day to sleep in turned into work when Father Gabriel gave her an unpleasant wake up call by banging on her door. It ended with her agreeing to cover a guard shift. As the sounds of The Stylistics filled the brownstone she plodded around, not upset she was going to work just not thrilled about it either. She filled a gray thermos with hot green tea, filled a Ziploc bag with trail mix, grabbed an apple and placed those in her backpack.

Thing was, she wasn't sleeping much anyway and she spent the entire night kicking herself for not telling Rick about their relationship when she had the chance yesterday. They were alone in the model home, no interruptions. When they were there it felt like there was no one else in the world but them. She blew it because she thought the right time was more important than the truth. That a perfect delivery would lessen the blow of what she had to say, what he needed to hear.

The morning was overcast and windy. The sky was a special color gray she had never seen before. It was both ominous and serene. There had been intermittent drizzle but she expected steady rain any moment and had her poncho ready. It was quiet. Guard duty was always uneventful and she never complained because the alternative could be deadly. Thrills were for a past life, now she preferred the mundane. After they rebuilt, following the guard tower falling, the most action they ever had was a small walker herd walking past the community.

She heard a knocking sound and looked down to see Rick standing at the base of the guard post looking up at her. Just his presence sent her pulse racing. She held her breath and her stomach tightened.

"Mind if I join?" He called up.

"Not at all." She surveyed the community behind her and didn't see anyone, particularly the one person she hoped would stay away and that was Lori.

He climbed up and stood beside her, so close his shirt touched her, and looked out beyond the gate. "I didn't know VIPs pulled guard duty."

She found guard duty to be peaceful. She enjoyed the solitude these days. Guard duty was better than seeing Lori and dodging peoples questions about Rick's health. It was infinitely better than being hounded by Andrea. She did enjoy seeing Rick even if they were no longer lovers. She'd never get tired of seeing him. Of seeing his bright eyes. That small impish smile. The way he cocked his head or bit his lip. Her stomach would never cease to flip, she would always smile, and hang on to his every word. That's what he did to her. It was also hard because all she wanted to do when he was near was enjoy the feel of his strong embrace, the touch of his hands on her bare skin.

She smiled slightly. "I'm not VIP and it's only half a shift. All hands on deck since that bug is running through the community. I'm covering for Sasha; she's sick."

He looked over at her with a frown. "Is she okay?"

"Yeah." She saw the concern on his face. "I know what you're thinking. It's nothing like before."

"I remember that time she got sick. That bug back at the prison."

That was a time when their biggest enemy and most potent threat was an unknown viral infection. It reminded them of how vulnerable they were to the world. She almost wished for human threats because human enemies didn't seem invincible. You took them out and the threat was over. You got to live. The math made sense. They only had berries, medicine, and prayer when that bug ran through the close quarters of the prison. And she didn't particularly believe in two of those things.

"I think we've all been thinking about that but it seems to be less deadly. And we have antibiotics." She didn't dare look his way. Just feeling his presence was overwhelming enough. She held a firm grip on her weapon. The tighter she held it the less likely she would reach out and grab his hand like she wanted to do.

"I saw the stock in the infirmary." He bent over and placed his arms on the wooden frame. "I can't get over this place. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and be back in the prison eating stale M&Ms and playing wastebasket HORSE."

She couldn't help but look over at him as he continued to look out at the scene of burnt homes and overgrown vegetation outside the community. "You remember that?" The words barely came out of her mouth.

Did he remember everything, or at least more than he remembered yesterday? She fought the urge to pepper him with questions as she grew eager to learn that this nightmare may be over.

He looked over at her and in his eyes she saw something different. He looked at her differently than he did the last few days. It seemed more deliberate. Searching. "Yeah, I remember us back at the prison."

Whatever hope the moment seemed to give her disappeared. Of course he remembered the prison, that was never an issue. It was after the prison and when he fell in love that was lost to him.

She nodded, dejected. "It's good you didn't lose your entire memory. That you still remember Carl and Judith..."

He stood up straight and faced her. "What I don't remember is us."

She frowned. "Us?"

She was unprepared for a strong gust of wind that knocked her off balance. He reached out and placed his hand on her hip to steady her. "Careful."

The touch. His touch. She missed it. She looked at him, in his eyes, wondering if he saw. Saw her desperation. Saw her hope. Saw her fear. How she wished he could see her for what she really was to him. The woman he said he wanted to spend the rest of his time with - be it days or years.

"Thanks," she whispered, barely able to speak. Her mouth became dry as if she had a mouth full of cotton balls.

She was aware he hadn't removed his hand from her hip. She didn't want him to. Had he noticed the way he continued to touch her? Grip her hip?

"Us after the prison. Here in Alexandria. Why didn't you tell me?" He took a step closer toward her. "Why didn't you tell me about us?"

He could only mean one thing. She wondered if she should pretend she didn't know what he was talking about just in case she was wrong or she could just face this situation head on; timing and location be damned. Her chest felt heavy and her breathing was short.

"You, you remember?" She stuttered over her words.

"No. Lori told me."

" _Lori_ told you?" She wasn't sure she heard that correctly. She never imagined Lori, who never got over losing Rick, would tell Rick the truth. That she would admit he was with Michonne now and no longer her husband. Was it an accident? Did guilt actually come into play? "What exactly did Lori tell you?"

He ignored her question. "Why didn't _you_ tell me?"

The silence became painful. Maybe this wouldn't feel so foreboding if there was the banging of the construction crew or the laughter of children. Instead, it was the two of them. No distractions. No escape. Just his expectant stare. She wanted this, wanted him to know but it was still a bit scary. Who could blame her fear?

"Because I didn't want you to look at me how you're looking at me now."

"How's that?"

"Like you're looking at a stranger."

He frowned a bit. She could see the ruminations about his life, old and new, all over his face. "You're no stranger."

"In a way, a very important way to me, I am."

"How did it start? How did _we_ start?"

The steady rain began to fall. She watched as the drops landed on his face.

"Much like this," she said as she momentarily looked down at his hand that was still on her hip.

It was uncanny, actually, the way these two moments seemed to mirror each other. Alone, with the rain falling, saying more in silence than with words.

* * *

 _ **Outside Alexandria**_

 _Rick and Michonne were checking the perimeter of the walls making sure there were no weak spots where they could be compromised but once they were done they just kept walking, enjoying the freedom of being outside those walls. Seeing what was around them. She never liked to go too long without seeing it for herself. It wasn't like she needed a reminder of the danger but she needed to feel that feeling when they were near._

 _She needed to hear the sounds that signaled they were near. Keep the timing of how quick they could come up on you. Feel the strength of their grasps. Remember the smell of death. It was hard to explain to the original Alexandrians but the group from the prison understood. Although Rick thought survival was like muscle memory, that they wouldn't forget how to fight if they tried._

 _"I can't believe it," he said. "We've been here four months and the only walkers inside the community was that herd after that tower fell."_

 _"We haven't been this safe since the prison."_

 _They walked side by side through the woods. She kicked a rubber ball along the way they found during their walk. She would take it back to Alexandria, something for Judith to play with._

 _"And definitely not this comfortable._ _And to think they've been behind these walls the entire time."_

 _"Sometimes I think you're bitter about that." She glanced at him. This wasn't the first time he made mention of the Alexandrians' good fortune. He saw that luck as weakness, refusing to allow them to work on certain missions. It wasn't like that were eager to venture out and take risks anyway. No one besides Aaron, Heath, and a couple of others._

 _"Not bitter just amazed. I mean, think about it. While we were going from place to place, losing home after home, shelter, I wouldn't call it home. Fighting horrible people and losing our family and friends they were having dinner parties."_

 _She smiled. "You sound a little bitter."_

 _He smiled and shook his head._

 _But she understood what he was saying. It was rather strange to think how people could experience such different lives in the same world. But, that was the reality of life before the world changed too. And even back then those differences usually resulted in life or death but they never thought of it in those terms. Some had access to medicine, food, and shelter while others didn't. Different world. Same problems._

 _They ventured out much farther than they planned, caught up in their conversations. Suddenly the sky opened up and the rain pelted down, stinging her skin. They were too far from Alexandria to make a run for it. She turned in a circle, looking for some sign of shelter but there were no homes or barns or abandoned structures as far as her eyes could see, just the woods. The tress were large but still no shelter from the rain._

 _"Over here," Rick said._

 _She watched as he slid into a large hollowed out cedar tree. Just as she was about to decline she saw what looked to be a dozen walkers headed in their direction. It didn't appear they saw them yet. She locked eyes with Rick and he saw them too._

 _"Now," Rick whispered loudly. "Come on."_

 _He jolted her from her hesitation._ _She attempted to climb in but she couldn't fit with her sword on her back. She slid it off and leaned it against the inside of the tree next to her hoping she wouldn't need to use it because she couldn't pull it out in such a restricted space._

 _They were face to face, inches apart. It was too tight and though she wasn't claustrophobic it made her a bit panicked. They would have no room to move or even defend themselves. This wasn't a good idea. They could be trapped. Of everything they had been through, everything they survived, to go out stuck in a tree seemed pretty weak._

 _"They'll walk right past us as long as we're quiet," he whispered._

 _Their bodies were so close. She took a step and was about to leave, maybe find a hiding spot behind another tree in the opposite direction of where the walkers were headed. Some place where she could breathe._

 _"Don't move," Rick said._

 _He placed his hand on her hip so she couldn't leave just as the first walkers moved past their hiding spot. She turned her head and face forward, focused on Rick in front of her. They were so close_ _she could feel his breath on her face._ _She wanted to watch the walkers, make sure they didn't spot them but part of her was afraid they would sense her stare and that would be the end of them. It didn't make sense, walkers didn't think but she didn't look. She didn't move._

 _Rick did. He watched them intently with steely eyes. His jaw tightened. She could see the up and down of his Adam's apple as he swallowed._

 _Her senses were heightened. She focused on the sound the rain made as it hit the ground. She noticed the smell of the rain as it drenched the earth. She was so focused on being silent and still she didn't realize her gaze was on Rick's mouth and the longer she stared the more intently she studied it. Her mind wandering places it had never ventured before. His lips were fuller than she ever realized. He shaved that morning. His beard much thinner than the day before making his lips more noticeable._

 _She could see him kissing. Wondering what it was like. How soft his lips were. What? What was she thinking? Why was she thinking that? She lowered her eyes and found herself staring at his chest,_ _noticing the hair sticking out from his shirt that was buttoned one less button lower than usual. She ran her tongue over own lips and found her gaze back up on his lips. She felt his fingers on the flesh of her waist. He never moved his hand when he told her not to move. His thumb, she believed that's what it was, slowly and gently and rhythmically ran back and forth tingling her skin. It sent a jolt of electricity down her spine that made her shudder._

 _He pulled her closer to him, closing the already small gap between them until her breasts were pressed against his chest. She looked up from his lips to see his eyes focused on her._

 _"A little longer," he whispered._

 _Suddenly, so many other things became noticeable. Like how close they were. So close that their knees were touching. How heavy she was breathing. Then there was a nervousness that took over. Did he notice her looking at him? Were her impure thoughts displayed all over her face? Had he laughed or even smiled she would feel better but he was staring at her with a laser focus, not even blinking. He held the eye contact was so strong she was in a trance, unable to look away. What was going through his mind? She swallowed, it took more effort than usual. It felt like she swallowed a lump of guilt and confusion and curiosity. And also desire._

 _She diverted her eyes. She hated herself at that moment. This was her friend. Her best friend whose marriage she tried to help him repair. Whose son she felt protective of from the moment she met him. Somehow she found herself having strange thoughts about him. She never imagined him or any of the men in their community that way. Why now? More importantly, why him? Maybe this wasn't about him. Maybe it was natural. She was a woman, it had been a long time, and now things settled down. She watched people pair off, fall in love, fall out of love, connect again, all while she remained in the same place. Alone._

 _They stood there in silence even after the walkers seemed to be long gone. Neither dared move. She was enjoying the feel of being next to him and he didn't seem to be in any rush himself._ _She definitely didn't know what to say. Maybe the best thing to do was ignore the thoughts in her head. Because maybe this was a one-sided moment. Maybe the ridiculous, inappropriate thoughts were hers and hers alone. When she looked up at him again he was still looking at her._

 _One of her locs fell down into her face. With his free hand he gently moved it away from her face. His fingers ran over her hair and he played with one of the locs before letting it slide through his fingers. All the while he stared down at her. If she wasn't sure before she was positive now that this wasn't a one-sided moment._ _Then she felt him tap on her hip._

 _"I think they're gone. I don't hear anything other than the rain," he said. "You want to keep waiting it out or want to head back?"  
_

 _At the thought of heading back home she felt a pang of disappointment._

 _"We can go," she said. "I mean, we're already soaked. Can't get any wetter."_

 _He extended his arm toward the exit, offering her freedom first. She grabbed her sword and slid out feeling a tingle when he placed his hand on the small of her back. The rain was coming down hard and they were probably two miles away from home. She closed her eyes and held her head back, face toward the sky feeling the sting of the rain on her face. Washing away all her thoughts. Could they be considered sins?_

 _She felt Rick touch her arm and turned to see him with a knife in his hand._

 _"Here."_ _Rick placed the knife in her hand._ _"You can't always use your sword. It could be a hindrance, especially in tight spaces." He nodded back toward the tree._

 _She looked at the knife wondering what that was about, why he gave it to her, she always only had her sword. What was on his mind she wondered as she looked up at him. By then his focus was on their surroundings._

 _"I don't see where the walkers went. We stay back and keep our eyes open. We'll see them before they see us," he said._

 _She nodded._

 _"Guess the fun is over," he said._

 _He didn't make a move toward home and neither did she. They continued to stand in the rain, drenched, looking at each other. Suddenly she heard the familiar sound off to her right. They both turned in the direction of a walker._

 _"I got it," she said as she pulled her sword out of its strap and moved toward it. She dropped the sword and instead stabbed the walker with the knife Rick gave her. As it collapsed to the ground she turned to face Rick._

 _"How did that feel?" He asked with a smile._

 _She grinned. "Not as fun but it works." She grabbed her sword off the ground and secured it on her back._

 _He began to survey their surroundings. "There could be more. Let's get out of here before we get trapped between two herds."_

 _He waited for her pass him before moving. She was the guide. He always had her back. They worked well together in more ways than fighting walkers._


	16. Chapter 15: Greater Crime

**Chapter 15: Greater Crime  
Rick  
Friday**

Rick was blown away by Michonne's recollection of the moment their relationship changed. So much so, that he didn't care about the steady rain coming down on him as he walked through the town with no destination in mind. He never would have guessed how they fell for each other. Walking alone in the woods in the middle of hiding from walkers. He wanted to know what happened next. Who made the first move? When did they first kiss? Admit their feelings to each other? Make love? Move in together?

He had so many questions but they agreed to continue later in the day. It wasn't the time with her being on guard duty. She needed to be focused. Nothing was more important than their safety, not even his curiosity. Despite his desire to ask the countless questions swirling around in his head, her responsibilities gave him some much-needed time to wrap his head around some things. It gave him time to get his thoughts together and think of what he wanted to say to her. Besides, there were plenty of other issues to unravel and people to talk to about what happened over the last five days.

But before he left Michonne, there was one answer he had to know. He had to know if their relationship was a secret or if everyone knew. What she told him surprised him just as much as finding out they were a couple. They weren't a secret to the rest of the community. It wasn't just a few people who knew. Everyone knew, which begged the question - why did no one tell him? He knew why Lori didn't say anything. He knew why Carl didn't. Carol was Lori's best friend, that made sense too. Daryl explained himself but even though Rick accepted it because Daryl didn't really deal with interpersonal connections, he still didn't like that Daryl allowed him to remain in the dark. But he expected more from Hershel, Glenn, and Maggie. And what the hell was Andrea thinking? She was Michonne's best friend and she made no secrets of hating Lori. Hell, even an anonymous note would have been better than the silent agreement.

The rain chased everyone back in their homes except for one person wearing a green raincoat with a hood. Though his back was to him, he could tell by the limp that it was Hershel walking down the street pulling a red wagon with a few boxes in it. He stifled his initial urge to call out to him, not wanting to be seen or heard. He didn't want to call attention to himself. At the moment, he was feeling vulnerable and unsure of his own emotions. The fewer people he saw the better.

He broke out into a trot until he caught up with Hershel and walked in step with the older man. "Need some help?"

Hershel turned his head toward Rick but didn't make eye contact as he kept walking. "Nah, I like to feel useful. There's no Social Security so I have to pull my weight."

He was generally open to Hershel's jokes but not today. Nothing was funny today, not after what he found out. "Where you headed?"

"Church. They found bibles and hymn books at an abandoned church on their run. Still in good shape. Want one? There's enough so you can take one home."

"Which home? Lori's or where I lived with Michonne?"

Hershel didn't respond. He simply kept walking which meant he understood Rick's comment. Understood it but still didn't respond. They made it to the church, the only structure that wasn't someone's home that he didn't bother to take a look in when he toured the community after waking from the coma.

He followed Hershel up to the front of the church and sat down in the second pew. The place was impressive as churches in the new world went. Once he was out of his parents' home, church was never something Rick was interested in. He only entered their doors when it was time for a wedding, his included. And when Carl was christened; That was for their parents' sake. Lori was just as indifferent to religion as he was.

"What's with bringing back bibles? Aren't there more important things?" He frowned.

"Faith is important."

Rick looked at him. Still the same Hershel. "No. Guns, food, water, medicine, shelter - that's important."

"We have enough space and essentials that we're able to not just get what we need, but what we want and what we may one day need. Clothes, books, puzzles, all sorts of things," he said.

"Out of everyone I expected you to tell me."

"I suppose so." Hershel pulled the wagon to a corner and turned and looked in Rick's direction before sitting down in the pew in front of him. He turned his body so Rick was able to see the side of his face. At least it was better than the back of his head.

He supposed so? That was it? "You didn't think that's something I should have been told? You, Maggie, Glenn, and Michonne just let me walk around in this warped bubble thinking everything was okay when that couldn't be further from the truth."

"We thought it should be at the right time..."

"The right time? We're not talking about not telling me I didn't get a promotion until the right time. This is my life." He didn't mean to interrupt Hershel; he never did that. Nor did he mean to raise his voice. He lowered it out of perfunctory respect for where they were and actual respect for the man before him. He took a deep breath and spoke calmer. "This past week I may have altered the course of my life, my future life, and done some things I couldn't come back from."

"You're angry," Hershel said before he stopped. He seemed to concentrate on his words. "I guess we all screwed up."

"Of course I'm angry. You're basically telling me you had no reason for not telling me which makes me think it could have been just as easy for you to tell me the truth as it was to be silent. Or is it that you really wanted me to be with Lori so that's why you didn't say anything?" He frowned. "Is that it? Did you not approve of my relationship with Michonne?"

Hershel was a man of integrity. From the time they arrived on the farm he had been the moral compass. He was a man of faith and family. He had always been close with Lori, especially after they lost the farm. He spent more time with Lori than Rick did. There was a bond there. But he knew Hershel respected Michonne. He was her biggest defender when Rick contemplated handing her over to The Governor. And he would always be grateful she led them to Maggie back at Woodbury.

"The truth is Rick, it was awkward for everyone and I'm not sure there's anything anyone could say right now that makes it okay with you." Once he finished speaking he turned to look in Rick's eyes for the first time.

To be honest, he was expecting Hershel to at least try to defend his decision to leave him in the dark, but like he said, and Rick tended to agree, there was probably nothing that would make sense to him.

"Did you speak to Michonne?"

"A bit, not too long though. She's on guard duty. We're going to talk when she's done. You didn't answer my question. Did you have a problem with my relationship with Michonne?"

"No. I never had a problem. That's your marriage and your decision. Throughout time people never stopped falling in love during the bad times, the same goes for falling out of it."

His inability to see just how much his prior silence was a mistake angered Rick just as much as the parsed words he was using at the moment. "Then why?"

"Because it was your decision, Rick. I don't think anyone would have allowed this to happen if Lori walked in that room and told you that the two of you were still together and happier than ever. But it was your decision and you were injured and maybe not in a good head space. I don't know," he said with a sigh.

"My injury was all the more reason for someone to step up and say something. Did you think I was so fragile that I'd go back into a coma if I knew the truth?"

"We just wanted to give you some time and and before you know a few hours turned into another day and then you were going home with her, and we wanted to say something but that would have been awkward, and then you had spent the night and it became another day. We waited too long and then it was not something anyone wanted to do, I suppose. I guess we expected the next person to say something."

The more Hershel spoke the more angry Rick became. "It was awkward. It was _awkward_? That's all you got? Since when have we ever had a hard time telling each other what needed to be said? I hurt Michonne and you were all complicit in that. No, actually you all hurt her more because you knew the truth and you didn't have her back. You just left her out in the cold. Since you believe in prayer, maybe pray I can make this right with her. She deserved better from all of us."

"I haven't seen her lately."

"She's hurt. I can see it all over her face. Since I woke up I always felt like something was off with her but I couldn't put my finger on it. Little did I know."

Rick hadn't seen Hershel either. Nor did he see much of Glenn or Maggie. Glenn visited him once while he was sitting out on the porch but only for a few moments. It was the shortest and most uneasy interaction they ever had. Even their first encounter was more comfortable. Glenn actually made mention of the weather. Never since the world changed had anyone spoke of the weather in some generic terms. They mentioned it's ability to complicate or improve their situation, but never to make conversation. That was a sign that something wasn't right, but again, he just didn't have all the pieces to make the connection. He saw Maggie while on one of his walks. She spent her time mostly talking about how much Judith had grown. He figured it was hard to face two people when you were hiding such a major truth from them.

"Why did you wake up and want to be with Lori?"

"You're back on that? Are you putting this on me?" Rick yelled. "That shouldn't have made a difference."

"Why did you?" Hershel's voice remained calm, too calm. Void of emotion.

His marriage was always on his mind. Always a source of pain, frustration, anger, sadness, and insecurity. It was always something. From the tough times before the world went to shit, the tough times after he found out about Shane, to the time after he killed Shane and they couldn't recover, his marriage had become more trouble than it was worth. So why did he stick around? Why did he want to make it work? Because his marriage affected his family, and Carl and Judith were worth whatever pain it took to make them happy. That was his warped thinking though. The warped thinking of all adults who thought dysfunctional presence was better than separate but happy. Carl let him know he was much happier with his parents apart than together.

"I guess more than anything there was guilt. I've always carried that with me...not being able to fix my marriage. A man has a problem in his family and it's his job to make it right. Maybe I didn't try hard enough before, forgive enough."

This wasn't the first time he shared these feelings with Hershel.

"But now I know it doesn't have to be that way. That my kids can be okay without us living in the same house. I'm with Michonne."

"Two totally different women," a voice from behind him said loudly.

He turned to see Abraham walking their way with a box in his arms. Carl pointed him, Rosita, and Eugene out to Rick one day. They all said hello in passing, they didn't really speak. Not enough for this Abraham character, and he was a character from everything Rick heard, to inject himself into such a private and delicate conversation.

"Didn't know it was possible to love two women as different as night and day," Abraham said as he kept walking toward the front of the church.

They _were_ two very different people. Lori was safe; she felt like what he was supposed to want, even before he slipped into that coma. Michonne pushed him out of his comfort zone. Pushed him to be what he should be, what he wanted to be, what he was meant to be and didn't even know it. Neither of those were bad things but a person had a match.

"What was I thinking? Two women in the same group," Rick muttered.

Abraham grunted. "It happens."

They watched as Abraham placed the box down and left. Just like that. Once the door was closed, Rick continued.

"I made the decision to be with Michonne while Lori is right down the street," Rick muttered to himself. "And that was before I cracked my skull."

"You can't worry about that. They say worry looks around, sorry looks back, and faith looks up."

Rick grunted, feeling as if Hershel was about to give one of his sermons. He slipped into preacher mode easy and often. Being in an actual church probably made it even more possible. Meanwhile, it always made Rick uncomfortable especially now. They killed to survive. How could you believe in holiness?

It wasn't easy," Hershel said. "You struggled with it."

"Just how long did I struggle with it?" He stared at Hershel.

"You wondering if you and Michonne were more before we arrived here?"

He nodded. He knew they weren't more at the prison but there was a lot of time unaccounted for.

"You were friends. Close friends. Your connection was always deep. Mutual respect and loyalty. That's all."

"Not love?"

"Not that kind. Though people did wonder."

Without a word, Rick stood and headed for the door.

"Are we okay?"

That question should have answered itself. Rick didn't bother to turn around and look at Hershel. He simply turned his head to the side, so his voice would carry but kept his back to him. "No, we're not."

He opened the door and walked off. Maybe there was nothing Hershel or anyone could say to square it, but what was said just then, back in the church, wasn't nearly enough to help Rick get over being left in the dark. He figured in time the anger would evanesce as they continued to provide for and protect each other. Right now there was too much on his mind - Michonne's well-being, his relationship that he'd forgotten, confusing his kids, especially Judith - to be worried about people who should have known better.

* * *

 ** _Back at the prison_**

 _He watched as Carl headed from the field back to the prison. It was hot and Carl was tough enough to survive almost anything but Rick still didn't want him out in the searing heat for too long. Between getting up first thing in the morning and this latest shift, he had already put in hours. Rick was still determined for Carl to be a kid._

 _"I overheard Lori telling Maggie she thinks you hate her."_

 _He glanced at Glenn. His marriage had become something everyone was really fucking comfortable talking about. It annoyed him but he didn't take it out on them. Lori invited them into their marriage. It was always something. Always some drama. Lori couldn't help it. Even if it meant being seen as pathetic or even weak, she would do so if it meant attention. Hershel, Carol, and now Glenn and Maggie, were comforting poor Lori. He had years of being victim to her manipulation. It may seem harsh but if she didn't always do something else after being forgiven maybe he wouldn't feel that way._ _He wasn't even sure she realized what she did but h_ _e was done with giving endless chances._

 _"Lori and Shane, she felt bad about that." Glenn said. "She still does."_

 _Rick shook his head. "It's not just that. Our marriage was headed in a real bad place that we probably couldn't come back from long before her...that." He never could allow himself to straight up say what Lori and Shane were and what they did. He only alluded to it as 'that,' the 'situation,' or 'what happened.'_

 _Hershel balanced the hoe against his body and shoved his gloves in his back pocket._ _"Marriages go through tough times. Anyone looking at my marriage when I would sleep on the couch after coming home drunk would have bet all their money that it would end. But she stuck by me, I got it together, and we found our way back."_

 _Hershel was teaching Rick how to grow food for the prison. Glenn decided to help with turning the soil but Rick knew he only did it to appease Maggie who was fed up with Glenn volunteering for, what she called, suicide missions._

 _"I don't want to find my way back. There's nothing there to save."_

 _He watched as Glenn and Hershel exchanged questioning looks. Everyone always seemed to think with time Rick would change his mind about all sorts of things, the biggest being his marriage. They didn't understand where his head was and he had no desire to make them understand. It was no one's business. They didn't need to know the intimate details of his failed marriage. He didn't need to convince them it was over. He was sure and he already made it clear to Lori and Carl; the three of them, and Judith when she was older, were the only ones who mattered. Besides, even if he did take the time to explain his feelings, like he had with Michonne, they would think just like her, that there was still a chance._

 _Speaking of Michonne, he stopped and watched her as she helped others rearrange things on the prison blacktop. She still went on her trips to look for The Governor, but now she tended to stick around a bit longer in between missions. He tried to talk her out of it because it was too dangerous out there alone, no matter how capable she was. Trying to talk Michonne out of something she was determined to do was an act of futility. He knew Carl was happy to see her around more. She seemed to be the only one who could navigate the perfect balance of treating him like a kid and the man he was rapidly becoming._

 _"Lori thinks you're not giving them a chance because of," Glenn said._

 _Rick could hear the apprehension in his voice as he spoke._ _"Because of what?" Rick asked._

 _Hershel took a step forward. "All the things that happened back at the farm," he said._

 _Rick looked at them both. Hershel's poker face was on full display while Glenn looked like he would be sick as his eyes shifted from Hershel, to Rick, to the ground._

 _He went back to digging. "I want to finish these last two rows before lunch," he said, effectively putting an end to the conversation._


	17. Chapter 16: Honest Again

**Chapter 16: Honest Again  
Michonne  
Friday**

Once she completed Sasha's shift Michonne's day was free. After telling her he knew about their relationship he left without telling her much about how he felt about the revelation and that hurt. For her, it validated her fear of telling him. Maybe it was disbelief; he couldn't believe they were actually a couple. She hated time and the doubt, it was a deadly combination of insecurity that ran through her mind. She spent the rest of the shift wiping intermittent tears of sadness and trying to talk herself out of thinking the worst.

He told her he would come over later and they would talk so the knock on the door was expected but it still shook her. She was ready for him to know everything, better yet, to remember everything, but she wasn't sure if she would survive this moment of truth. She looked down at herself one last time to make sure she looked okay. After the hours in the rain, she came home and soaked in a hot bath and then changed her clothes three times. The first outfit made it look like she was trying too hard, the next like she didn't care at all. But she settled on a pair of jeans she knew Rick liked and a bright orange tank top. She took a deep breath and looked around the brownstone before opening the door. She was disappointed, relieved and thrilled to see Carl standing with Judith in his arms.

"Isn't this a surprise."

"I got Judith from daycare and decided to stop by for a visit. If that's okay. If not we can leave." He shifted from one foot to the other.

"I'm glad you did," she said as she took Judith who was trying to squirm her way out of Carl's arms as she reached for Michonne. "Get in here." She walked to the couch and heard him close the door. She could hear his boots plod across the wooden floor.

It had only been a few days since she returned and Rick woke up and in that time she hadn't seen much of the kids. They meant just as much to her as Rick so their absence added to the pain. She felt like she had been missing out with Carl; he always had a story to tell and questions. Being a part of his life, being there for him, felt like the most important role she played. They waved in passing in the community, but the last few days he hadn't come over like he usually did.

He sat on the couch next to her and played with Judith's shoe, obviously uncomfortable. If not for her being the adult of the two, she would have been equally nervous. Not to mention they were friends. And in many ways, their bond was even stronger than her bond with Rick because Carl was still young enough to not lie about certain feelings like adults did. She didn't want to bring anything up right away but she knew his dad's short reconciliation with Lori would come up. It was best to take his lead. She imagined it was a big step for him to even come over.

"We came by earlier but you didn't answer." He held his head down.

He always came over for a snack after school. It made her sad for him to think she simply didn't answer the door when he came by as if she didn't want to see him. "I wasn't here. I took Sasha's guard shift. She's sick. Hey, want to stick around for dinner?"

He looked at her, wide-eyed and hopeful. "Can you make a pizza with that sauce?"

"The pesto sauce?"

"Yeah."

She smiled. "I told you once you have pizza with pesto sauce you'd never want tomato sauce again. Sure, I've got some dough already prepared. But only if you help me."

"Deal."

"Okay, head to the kitchen." She carried Judith over and joined him, watching as he washed his hands at the sink.

"What toppings do you want?" He asked as he held open the refrigerator.

"Whatever you want." With the limited options, most of them vegetables, she was sure there was nothing he could put on it that she wouldn't like. In the past life veggie pizza was her favorite anyway.

She watched as he took out the cheese, olive oil, onions, a bell pepper, mushrooms, the small pepperoni stick courtesy of Olivia's meat-curing skills, and the pesto sauce she already had made in a Mason jar. Then he looked at her. She shook her head. "You know what to do. Go ahead."

He grabbed a knife out of the block and the cutting board out of the drawer near it. He looked at her one last time before grabbing the onion. Chopping wasn't his strongest skill and it made her nervous but he came a long way since the day he slid pieces of an onion off the knife by sliding the blade between his thumb and finger. She almost fainted and because he got lucky and didn't slice his fingers open he didn't understand the big deal. She had him on can opener and table setting duty of a month after that.

"I can't do this." He pouted before he even tried.

"Yes you can. Mise en place," she said as bounced Judith on her hip.

"What?" His face contorted in a frown only a teenager could master.

"It's a French cooking term. You have to set everything up, put everything in its place. You have to set yourself up for the outcome you want. You're setting yourself up for failure because you're intimidated by the kitchen."

"Because every time I try to cook something it's a disaster."

"Nah, everything is a disaster because of the mindset you have when you enter the kitchen." She looked at all the ingredients on the counter. "This would be even better on Naan."

"What's that?"

"A kind of flatbread."

"Will it be the four of us for dinner like usual?"

"The four of us?"

"Yeah. I know you know what happened yesterday."

He barged through that opening, the sign that it was okay to talk about the elephant in the room. "I heard you gave your dad some advice."

"Someone had to be the adult."

Her eyes widened and she smiled at his audacity. If he weren't holding a knife she would have given him a nudge. "Yeah? How's that Dakota-Enid thing going?"

He blushed. "Okay, it's easier solving other people's shit instead of your own."

"Language, young man." She struggled to keep Judith in her arms as she leaned so far back she was looking at Carl upside down.

"Really?"

"Okay, but not around your dad and a little goes a long way."

"I read in an old magazine in the infirmary that bad language is a sign of intelligence."

"If they were so smart then why did the world end?"

"How would I know? I'm not allowed to use bad words. You've stunted my intellectual growth. How does that make you feel?"

She loved him more than she thought was possible. And to know he loved her too made her emotional. Since meeting Carl, she had been intrigued by him. By this boy soldier navigating this horrible world. Initially she was on the periphery of his journey, watching and worrying as a distant witness. Then she became part of his life, cheering; listening; guiding him in his search for happiness and self-awareness, the balance between survival and humanity.

"So, about Enid and Dakota? What's going on?"

"Enid still doesn't like that Dakota is my friend."

"Have you told Enid you're only interested in her and that you and Dakota are just friends?"

"In so many words."

"Maybe be honest that you don't like being in the position of losing one of the few friends you have. You know, maybe Enid remembers how she felt about you when you arrived even though she was dating Ron."

Carl stopped chopping. "I forgot about that." He couldn't contain the smile of knowing the effect he had on Enid.

"Maybe remind her that what you two share is special and that you will always be honest with each other. That the two of you were meant to be and nothing or no one can come between that. You can be the thermometer or the thermostat."

"What?"

She placed Judith in her high chair. There were two in the community but since Judith was the only baby they used both, one at her place and the other at Lori's. There was almost two of everything, one in each home, because Judith spent so much time at Rick and Michonne's, so they didn't have to lug things back and forth. She hoped now she would be able to see Judith again like before.

"A thermometer simply reads the temperature. The thermostat changes it. You gotta control your own life. If you don't like a situation then you need to do something about it. You can't leave it up to chance, or worst, up to other people."

She realized she was going on a monologue and it was no longer about Carl and Enid. She had left her happiness up to others. She sat back and watched her love possibly die hoping others would do what was right without making her have to look like the one messing up what Rick thought he wanted. Never in her life did she put herself first and now she could have cost herself a relationship of a lifetime because of it.

"Are you talking about me or you?"

"That obvious, huh?" She held her head down, embarrassed. "I'm better at giving advice than taking it."

"I'm sorry about my mom. What she did. You shouldn't have to feel this way."

"I understand what your mom is going through."

"What she's going through?" He shook his head. "You don't have to do that."

"Do what?"

"Be so nice. She doesn't deserve it. Not from you. Not from my dad. Not from me. I'll never forgive her. She's a bitch."

"Carl. No." She shook her head. She was transported back to the prison days when she watched a mother shunned from all conversation and intimacy with her first-born child. It was painful to watch and being a mother she couldn't help but sympathize with Lori. Had Andre grown up and shunned her, she would have been devastated. "I want you to be nice to your mom, especially now. She needs you."

The scowl. "Why?"

"You're not going to seriously lead some campaign against your mom are you? She's your mother." She brushed his hair from his face with her fingers and placed her hand gently on his cheek. "Don't do this on my account. Out of some sense of loyalty."

"What she did to you and my dad was wrong. And guess what? What she did to me was wrong too. Putting me in that position to lie to my dad and you. She doesn't get a pass because she's my mom."

Michonne nodded. "Yeah, I can appreciate your anger but she's still your mom. Even if you don't agree with the people you love you still love them and you make sure they know it."

"Why? So she can act like she did nothing wrong?" He sighed.

She waited as he struggled to get his thoughts together. When he seemed to give up she continued.

"You can make it clear to the people you love that you don't agree with the choices they make but still show them love. Don't punish your mom by withholding love and affection from her. There are so few people we can share that with now. There will come a day when all you want in this world is your mother and she won't be here."

"I messed up by not telling my dad." He placed the knife on the counter. "And you guys can give me excuses that I'm a kid and shouldn't have been put in this situation, but I should have said something anyway. I've done a lot of grown up things since the world changed and I've spent all this time telling my dad I wasn't a kid. So I can't hide behind that. I'm sorry I didn't say anything."

She reached over and placed her hand on top of his. "You're an amazing young man. Thank you." The truth was, Carl's way of thinking is what she wanted from others in the community. She would never ask a son to go against his mother, but the adults in the community, she would never truly understand why they didn't speak up. If not for her, for Rick.

She grabbed another knife and decided to slice the meat. Carl always cut it too think. After washing her hand and running the knife under the running water she began to slice and suddenly there was a knock on the door. She pointed at him. "Keep chopping and not a finger."

She wiped her hands on a towel and tossed it over her shoulder as she headed to the door.

"All meat is protein, right?"

She laughed and opened the door, coming face to face with Rick. Talking to Carl made her relax and almost forget about this pending meeting. Things with Carl were going along so nice she became unprepared for her talk with Rick which she knew would not be resolved as neat and could be full of painful admissions.

"Hey," he said.

She snapped out of her fog. "Hi."

"I thought we could continue our conversation now. Are you busy?"

"Making dinner."

"Oh, well I guess I can come back later." He began to turn away with the same look of dejection Carl had earlier. All of Carl's mannerisms and propensities, good and bad, were inherited from his father.

"You can stay." It felt more like she was throwing him a bone. "Please stay." Then she sounded desperate.

He turned back around and gave her that half smile of shyness that always melted her heart then he gave her an awkward kiss on the cheek before entering the brownstone. She closed her eyes as she tried to make the touch remain on her skin forever, unsure when or if she would ever have the pleasure of his touch again.

She closed the door. "You don't have to do anything that doesn't feel natural," she whispered. But it did feel nice to feel his lips on her skin.

"I don't...I don't know how to handle this." He shifted from one foot to the other and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Uncharted territory for me too."

They stood before each other and she couldn't make eye contact, instead opting to stare at the scratch on his neck.

"Hey dad," Carl called out.

For the first time he noticed they weren't alone. "I didn't know you had company," he said to her.

She smiled and nodded.

"You became a cook in the past year?" He walked toward the kitchen.

"My sous chef in training," she said as she followed behind him.

"What are you guys making?"

"Pizza." She stood next to him, loving that she could be near him without keeping a massive secret from him.

"Wow, pizza." Rick shook his head. "I can't believe how we eat around here."

Judith squealed and he smiled and pulled her into his arms and gave her a kiss. "Hey sweetheart."

Carl came around the counter and grabbed Judith and then her diaper bag from the couch. "I'll be back."

"Hey, I thought you were going to help me with dinner? This pizza isn't going to make itself."

"I'll be back in time."

"Yeah, in time to eat." She laughed.

"Gonna take Judith home and then put your advice to use. Be a thermostat." He laughed, heading for the door.

"What?" Rick asked.

Carl laughed even louder as he closed the door and there she was, alone with Rick and he knew they were in a relationship.

"Amazing how he needed to leave when I arrived." He chuckled and ran his hand on the back of his neck. It was one of his nervous ticks.

"Yeah, he has your subtlety." She smiled.

"He looks very comfortable here. Judith too." He nodded toward her high chair and one of her blocks on the counter.

"They usually spent a lot of time here. I've missed them." She needed to be honest, more honest than she'd be in the past week. She held her head down. She was working on the honesty but the boldness to look him in his eyes wasn't there just yet. "Missed you too. It's been a long five days."

Since he had been out of her bed, removed from her life she slept and ate less and thought more.

"Have a seat. Want something to drink?"

"Got a beer?"

"Got Scotch."

"I'll take it."

She got up. "What did you do today?"

"I saw Hershel," he said and then rolled his eyes. "And Abraham." He shook his head and looked toward the ceiling.

She smiled. "He's an acquired taste."

"I guess. I wanted to know why Hershel didn't tell me."

She stopped pouring and looked at the back of his head. "What did he say?" She was curious herself.

"He whole bunch of nothing but it boiled down to his comfort was more important than my life." He sighed and ran his hand over his face. "I don't even want to talk about it, to be honest."

She poured herself a drink as well then joined him on the couch. She handed him a glass. When he took it their fingers touched and they both looked at each other. Forget the conversation, all she wanted to do was straddle him and try to make up for the lost time. Instead, she tucked one leg beneath her and propped her arm on the back of the couch and leaned her head against her hand.

"Did you talk to anyone else?"

"Thanks. No, it would probably piss me off even more."

Once they both took a sip there was nothing left to do but talk.

"I know you told me about that day in the woods," he said softly with a shake of his head. "But how?"

"One day I looked up and I was in love with my best friend." She looked up at him, sure her face showed just as much confusion as his. "It was that simple and unexplainable."

"I wish I had known when I left the infirmary. I wish Lori had told me before. I really can't believe the nerve of her."

"I don't want you to be angry with her."

"Why not?"

" _Are_ you?"

"Not as much as I was last night." He shrugged. "But I am still pretty fucking pissed. Pissed at a lot of people. Wait," he said as he looked at her. "Why aren't you mad at her?"

She stared down into her glass as she trailed the rim with her forefinger. "Being loved by you is..."

He groaned.

"I'm not getting sappy." She smiled. "I do sappy about as well as you. But I know what it's like to be in love with you. It's like a dream and I think that's why I can't even be mad at her as much as I want to be. Because I get it. And I know what it's like to miss what you once had. She saw an opportunity to have what she's wanted all this time."

"Why didn't you tell me?" His voice was full of pain.

It hurt her to know she hurt him by not telling him. "There's something about her for you. You didn't _have_ to wake up and want to be with her but you did."

"I have amnesia."

She shook her head. "Amnesia doesn't make you want to be with an ex you had been done with for a long time. You could have just woke up with amnesia. You still remembered the prison. You remembered you weren't together anymore."

He held his head down. "Wow," he whispered. "You too."

"What?"

"You're putting this on me. You sound like Hershel." He swallowed the rest of his drink in one gulp and placed the glass on the coffee table.

She didn't see Rick drink much and it threw her off to see him drink so quick. She followed him with her eyes and watched as he grabbed the bottle off the counter and returned to the couch. He filled his glass almost to the rim.

"I'm not putting it on you. I'm not blaming you." Her voice was gentle because it seemed this conversation could go off the rails in the blink of an eye.

"So why couldn't you tell me?"

"It scared me. I'm embarrassed to say it made me question us, but she was your first love, the woman you pledged to spend the rest of your life with. Through all the pain and anger, that doesn't disappear. Those things, your past together still exists and it still shaped you both. You two share kids. You'll always have that. She'll always have a little piece of you I can't compete with."

"But that doesn't mean I'll always love her the way that I apparently..."

"But you wanted to. You wanted to love her. When I saw that look in your eyes," she whispered. "The look on your face when you talked about making your marriage work, it was like nothing I'd ever seen from you before."

"I don't want to talk about her. I want to talk about us."

"Okay."

"I don't understand. I remember us being friends. We were close friends. At the very least, I would expect my friend to have my back. You think I wouldn't have believed you? Did I ever do anything while we were together that made you doubt?"

"No." She admitted.

"Then I don't understand why you couldn't tell me."

She wasn't just afraid for herself, she was afraid of turning his life upside down for the second time in a week. "I would have looked self-serving. Our relationship was bumpy and messy before it even started."

He grabbed his drink and for the second time in less than five minutes he drank it all in one gulp. "I wish you would have told me before I went home with her."

"Why? Do something you regret?" There was a little more irritation in her voice than she realized was in her but watching him drink this way made her feel there was something he was about to say that she didn't want to know.

"I thought I was single. Actually, I thought I was married. So there would be nothing to regret, right?"

There was a bite in his voice. She held her head down and braced herself.

"I didn't do anything. Well, I kissed her."

She felt a pang of sadness but she couldn't blame him.

"And there was a moment when I thought there would be more..."

She looked up at him.

"But it didn't happen. And I feel guilty about it."

"You didn't know." Besides, it wasn't the first time Lori came between them. It wasn't the first time she felt Rick wasn't sure about his feelings for her or Lori. Head injury or not, he made her doubt on a few occasions.

"Look at you. Even when you're mad at me you're almost giving me just a pass. I do remember that about you. I feel guilty because of you but that's not all of it. I just feel guilty period. Even trying again, I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty about everything when it comes to her and now I feel guilty for hurting you."

Guilt was Rick's constant companion. Deaths, loss of the prison, separation, Hershel losing his leg, he had to be the martyr. It had to be his fault because he was the leader, even though he never wanted it and they, even she, pushed him into the position even when he made it clear he wasn't interested.

There they sat alone with as silence hung in the air.

* * *

 ** _In Alexandria_**

 _She searched all over Alexandria for Rick, even breaking down and stopping by his house and asking Lori if she knew where he was. That was uncomfortable enough and even more when Lori said if Michonne didn't know where her husband was then no one did. Usually when she was uncomfortable around Lori it had something to do with Carl because she knew her relationship with Carl was hard for Lori. It would hurt any mother to see her son have an airtight loving relationship with another woman instead of his own mother. But this was the first time the discomfort has something to do with Rick._

 _She finally found him in a garage that was converted into a community workshop after the family that once lived in the home died in two separate tragic incidents. He was working under the hood of a car they found and brought back to Alexandria. They began collecting the better cars they found in an attempt to fix them. She looked around; he was alone. She was surprised Daryl or Glenn wasn't around to help. There were others in the community who were good with fixing cars but Rick stuck with the ones he knew from their core group._

 _When Andrea returned to the group after they defeated The Governor she said Rick was the type of person whose inner circle had rings. In her opinion, she was in the inner circle but not the inner most ring that had 100% of Rick's trust. That, in Andrea's opinion, was reserved for Hershel, Michonne, Glenn, and Daryl. She couldn't really disagree. There were layers to Rick's trust in people, even the ones he trusted most. Some got fifty percent, some got eighty-five, Michonne knew she was the one who got the most._

 _She also knew he realized she was the one who joined him which is why he never looked up._

 _"What's your problem?" Michonne asked as she walked over and stood next to Rick._

 _"What are you talking about?" His eyes shifted in her direction but he continued to tighten something with a wrench._

 _She snatched it out of his hand. "I'm talking about why you've been ignoring me. Refusing to work with me."_

 _Lately he seemed to go out of his way to make sure they were never on the same work detail, whether it was a run or helping out around the community and it made her angry._

 _He sighed and walked over to a work table, effectively putting distance between them. "I don't know what you're talking about. There are a lot of projects going on around here. We need our group leading these people. We can't trust them to be on their own unless it's planning a party." He wiped his dirty hands on a blue and white bandana. His back was to her._

 _"Oh, you're going to act like you haven't been ignoring me?"_

 _"Michonne," he said with another sigh. He sighed a lot when he didn't have the answer or didn't want to tell it._

 _"Could you turn around and look at me, please?"_

 _She waited until he finally gave in but it was only to part of her request; he refused to look at her._

 _"Can you look at me please?" She walked over to get closer to him but leaned against the side of the car, allowing him the distance he obviously needed._

 _He finally looked at her but he couldn't keep eye contact, his eyes darted around. She figured it was as good as she would get._

 _"It's not my imagination. Don't try to make me feel like I'm crazy. You're better than that. We're better than that. What's going on?"_

 _Since that day in the woods everything changed between them. They never put it in words and they never acknowledged it to each other, but they never looked at each other the same. Things between them never felt the same. The tension was thick. That night she had her first inappropriate, intimate dream about Rick. She became hypersensitive to their interactions with each other. She noticed every errant touch, the amount of time they spent together, especially the times when they were alone. What others thought about them and their friendship began to matter. She once bit Glenn's head off because she thought he implied Rick was cheating on Lori with her._

 _Everything used to be fun. There were jokes until they stopped being that. Until the looks took her breath away and the most innocent of touches made her feel more alive than she ever felt._

 _He sighed._ _It was obvious he had his own shit he was processing just as she had hers. It wasn't just their moment in the woods,_ _he had become even more distant the last couple of weeks. She could pinpoint the time it happened but she couldn't figure out the inciting moment._

 _"Rick, tell me what's going on."_

 _"I got pretty drunk a couple of weeks back. That night at Deanna's party. Daryl and I...we kept drinking back at his place. I went back home and..." He ran his hand through his hair._

 _"And what?"_

 _"Lori came to my room."_

 _"And?" She didn't want to know but she needed to know. She needed to confirm the worst of what was going on in her imagination just that quick at the mention of Lori's name. But all the while she pleaded for it to not be what she thought it was._

 _He turned his back to her._

 _"Rick."_

 _He held his head down and braced himself on the table. "We had sex."_

 _Her nightmare was confirmed._

 _"Sort of."_

 _"Excuse me?" She frowned. "How do you sort of have sex?"_

 _"I ended it before I..."_

 _"That's enough. I don't want to hear the details."_ _She waved her hands and shook her head as her eyes closed. "No, I don't want to hear it but I need to. What happened? Did you invite her into your room?"  
_

 _"Michonne."_

 _"Did you?"_

 _"No. She had been up with Judith when I got home from Daryl's. Judith had fallen asleep while she was rocking her and she was about to take her upstairs. She walked her over to me so I could kiss her goodnight then she went upstairs and put her to bed."_

 _When he became silent she rolled her eyes. "Okay, how did she go from being upstairs to downstairs in your bed having sex?"_

 _He looked down. "She came back down."_

 _"Why?"_

 _"No reason really. I don't know why."_

 _"You didn't say anything? Give her a look?"_

 _"No. No. I, I don't think so. Michonne, I was drunk."_

 _She snorted. "My mom used to say if they would just get rid of all the alcohol in the world there would be a lot less excuses for people. You didn't have to want to be with her because you were drinking._ _You think if she made a move on Daryl he would have gone for it?_ _Who made the first move?"_

 _"She did."_

 _"_ _Who ended it?"_

 _"I don't know."_

 _"You don't know who ended it but you know you stopped before you..." She made a face. "Doesn't add up."_

 _"I ended it." He ran his hand through his hair and then rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm being interrogated here and it's hard to think."_

 _"You have to think about the truth?"_

 _She hadn't been this antagonistic toward Rick since their first meeting when he locked her away like a wild animal._

 _"Here's what I want to know," Michonne continued. "Why did you go there with her? When she made a move why didn't you stop her? I mean, you spent all that time, months at the prison, refusing to even talk to her but you couldn't resist being with her?"_

 _"I don't have all the answers you need so you're not angry. I told you because I didn't want any secrets or anything."_

 _"Wow. Look at you. How noble."_

 _He sighed with a look of dejection. Did he think she wouldn't be upset and hurt when he told her? He probably did even though he should have known better. She was confirming his fear. This very moment is why he avoided her for the last couple of weeks. He knew what he did with Lori was wrong._

 _"Don't act like you told me freely. You shunned me and I had to ask you what was wrong. I racked my brain for the last two weeks wondering what I did wrong. What did I say? Thinking it was maybe my fault that I somehow pushed you away just when..."_

 _"I'm sorry."_

 _"Don't be sorry. Be careful."_

 _"Could you give me a break here?"_

 _"I could but I won't." She crossed her arms._

 _"I'm not even sure why this is a big deal. We're friends."_

 _Her face hardened. "Don't be an ass. You know what's going on between us."_ _She looked over at him; he had the good sense to look embarrassed for that cheap out he tried to take._

 _"I thought maybe it was better to back away and leave you alone. This, my shit, it's not fair to involve you in it."_

 _She didn't speak._

 _"We've never even talked about this."_

 _"Maybe it's time," she said softly._

 _"Time for what?"_

 _"To talk about it._ _It being what we've been feeling. What we've been thinking. If what you've been dealing with is anything like what I've been going through since that day in the woods then we need to talk."_

 _"Yeah, we need to talk."_

 _She wanted this and he was quick to give it to her. So quick, she wasn't sure what to say._

 _"That day in the woods, I felt something I never felt before. It scared me. It still does." Rick looked down at the floor. "I mean I've never felt that for anyone besides Lori. And I know how I felt about her in the beginning. And if that could go so horribly wrong..."_

 _He was afraid their friendship, the relationship they'd built could be irrevocably broken._

 _"You didn't plan on getting hurt by her and your best friend. That did kind of take things to another level. Most people wouldn't be able to handle that."_

 _"Most people didn't promise to love her in good times and bad, just me. There was a time I thought we could work through anything. That I could find a way to forgive anything. What if I'm the problem?" He looked over at her. "What if I don't know how to forgive or handle things and that's... I don't want to hurt you," he said softly._

 _"We don't know what this is. Maybe it won't work out."_

 _"It'll work." He nodded. "It'll work." He almost sounded resound to that fact, like it could be some sort of sentence to purgatory._

 _"I don't know that I want this to go anywhere. I just know we aren't what we were and I don't like that. I don't like the distance."_

 _"I'm sorry I distanced myself from you. I messed up...with you and her."_

 _"You have to figure out why you went there with her." She headed toward the garage door. "For yourself more than anything."  
_

 _"I was drunk."_

 _"Lie to yourself, Rick. Not to me." She walked out of the garage._

 _"I don't know how to see her unhappy and not feel guilty," he called out. "Like it's my fault."_

 _She turned and looked at him, sympathetic to what he said. "I believe that's how you feel, but it's not your job to make her happy," she said with a sad smile. "I'll see you around."_


	18. Chapter 17: On the Ashes of All That Was

**Chapter 17: On the Ashes of All That Was  
Rick  
Friday  
**

It was the second time that day Michonne threw Rick for a loop by telling him something from his forgotten past that even in his wildest dreams he could never imagine. Truth was stranger than fiction. Hell, if someone made a television show about dead people walking around he'd think they were nuts but here they were. What Michonne told him, about him sleeping with Lori, he would have believed the dead people walking before that. It was bad enough to have slept with Lori, he never thought he'd go there again, but to know doing so hurt Michonne made it that much worse.

"You felt like I chose her over you?"

"In a way." She picked up where Carl left off, chopping vegetables but at a much quicker pace. "We weren't a couple. We hadn't even told each other how we felt, but you knew there was something there, something between us."

"I'm sorry," he whispered. He didn't know what to say. He just knew he felt like chickenshit.

She shook her head. "We already worked through it. No need to apologize again." She waved her hand at him. "It's water under the bridge."

It may have been water on the bridge but right now he was drowning in a lot of shit from the past, distant and recent. It seemed as if he was taking the ones he loved down with him. Since he first came out of that coma back at the hospital in King County he always felt like he was taking one step forward and two back. He led the group to the CDC and it almost got them blow up. They found safety at the Greene farm but his inability to handle Shane resulted in them losing it all. Now, he finally moved on from Lori, and apparently no longer felt tethered to her and he went and hit his head and complicated things.

"So this is where I lived?" Rick walked around the brownstone. He loved the place. It definitely felt like a home but it wasn't too feminine. Then again, Michonne wasn't the lace and doily type. The walls were almost bare except for a couple of mirrors and a clock which made the large painting of melting pocket watches in some sort of desert the eye-catching piece. In the corner, in front of the bay window was a small table with a chess board and two chairs.

Despite the orderly picture-perfect look of the place, it didn't look like a museum. It still looked lived in, like a home, with the blanket haphazardly but perfectly tossed across the back of the couch and a couple of Judith's toys in the corner near the beige-colored brick fireplace.

"Yep."

"It's nice," he said as he covered the area of the first floor, which was an open area but each section had invisible but distinctive borders. The living room was anchored by the large area rug. The kitchen with his marble and cherry wood cabinets, the dining room with its round dining room table. "A definite upgrade from Daryl's place. How long did I live with Daryl before I moved here?"

She smiled. "It didn't take long. A couple of weeks." She wiped her hands on a towel and left the kitchen.

"I love Daryl but I don't know how I survived that place for two weeks." His apartment was bordering on being a hazardous waste zone. Probably the only dishes he owned were piled in the sink and the place still seemed to look disorderly despite having minimal furniture and not much in terms of decoration. And it smelled like three teenage boys lived together with no mother to do laundry.

He looked toward the stairs.

"Want to go up?" She didn't wait for his answer.

He followed her upstairs taking in the view of her hips swaying from side to side. He could admit it wasn't the first time he noticed her. Sure, back at the prison they were friends but he wasn't blind. No matter what a man thinks about a woman, no matter the respect, no matter their relationship - co-workers or strangers - he could still process what his eyes saw. She was beautiful just like Sasha, Rosita, Maggie, Tara, Andrea, and Carol.

"You actually spent all of your time here. Andrea and I were room mates here. She's the one who said you should move in and she moved into one of the apartments."

"That was selfless of her."

"Not really. She got tired of the noise."

"Noise?" He asked as they made it to the second floor.

She looked down at the floor. "At night coming from this room." A door was ajar and she pushed it open all the way and nodded her head.

He saw a bedroom. He became a bit shy but awfully curious about her inference and was now wondering what it was like to make love to her. What were they like together? What was she like? Did she scream or moan? Did they enjoy sex together because it was new or because it was good? He would love answers to those questions but even he didn't have the guts to ask them. Not now anyway. He had to believe they were more than sex and they needed to sort out their relationship before they went there with each other.

"May I?" He pointed toward the room.

"Of course."

The bed was made, complete with a white comforter that looked as soft as a cloud. He knew it was always this way and not just for show because she had a guest coming over. Even back at the prison she made that crappy bunk, took pride in it like she was sleeping on the queen's bed. This bed was massive and its headboard was against an exposed brick wall. The other three walls were like the color of wheat.

He saw his Walkman from the prison on one of the nightstands. "This is my side."

"Yes." She remained at the threshold, leaning against the doorway.

He always slept on the left side of the bed, even with Lori. It's the side he slept on as a kid. His mother flipped his mattress because one side was lower than the other. He walked around the room. A four-drawer dresser stood in the corner opposite the bed, near a window. On it was a picture of Carl holding Judith and a candle.

"How many bedrooms?"

"Two. Carl sleeps in that one when he sleeps over. It's at the other end of the hall. Judith sleeps with him sometimes. And sometimes she sleeps with us."

"They sleep over when their house is a minute away?"

She smiled. "Don't let him hear you say that. He says this is his and Judith's house as much as the other house. He likes being here."

He imagined Carl felt more comfortable here than at Lori's. When Rick asked him why he and Michonne got along so well, in a moment of honesty Carl said he got to be a kid without being treated like one when he was around her. It made sense to Rick. He saw it for himself the way Michonne always protected him without smothering him and always respecting his skills and intelligence. Meanwhile, at least back at the prison, Lori still expected him to stay where she could see him and told him to watch out for walkers like he was new to the dangers of the world.

"I'm surprised Andrea didn't tell me the truth." He knew for a fact she and Lori didn't get along. It was already tense but when Andrea returned to the group Lori made it known she disagreed with the decision.

"She would have if I let her. Trust me, she's been itching."

He shook his head. "I wish you hadn't done that. I still can't believe you felt you couldn't trust me to do right by you if I knew."

What he said rubbed her the wrong way. He could see the annoyance wash over her face.

"You know what, I'm sorry to disappoint you. I didn't know I wasn't allowed to not have my shit together. It wasn't just about you, you know? I was trying to process my own shit and what was happening to me."

"You don't seem insecure to me. Right now you seem distant."

Though he was still upset, maybe he was wrong to expect her to handle this perfectly. To save both of them when she was drowning too. When he found Lori back after the world changed he knew almost instantly what she had going on with Shane but he never called either of them on it. He kept his mouth shut until he had to confront the truth once it was shoved in his face. Maybe that was the same for Michonne. Despite the missing memories, he had no doubt in his mind if he and Michonne were together it was because it was exactly where he wanted to be. And it had to be real.

She shook her head. "It's not about being insecure. We were together for barely two months before your accident."

That was her problem. Their relationship was still in the honeymoon phase. They probably didn't even have enough time invested to have any pet peeves with each other. The shit that would one day piss them off was probably still cute. To be honest, even though he chastised Hershel for playing a part in Michonne's pain, he didn't fully understand what she had been going through for the last few days and he felt bad that he hadn't really asked.

"Both of our lives were put on hold for no other reason than Lori's selfishness."

She sighed. "I don't want to talk about her. Can we for once, not?" She had a slight frown on her face as she crossed her arms.

"Seems to me that's all you've wanted to do since we met?"

She stared at him, unhappy with what he said. "Before and now are two different situations," she said softly.

"Fair point." He didn't want to argue with her. Neither of them deserved that right now. "Michonne, I'm sorry."

She stared at him expectantly, stretching her eyes, asking for more. Their nonverbal communication hadn't suffered because of his injury. He loved that he didn't have to explain every minor thing. That often she knew what he was thinking or feeling without having to hear him say it. That he could do the same.

"I'm sorry for what everyone did to you by not saying anything. That you had to suffer, probably in silence. And that you probably felt like you were losing a part of your life."

He could see the tears form but before they could fall and before he could offer sympathy she took a deep breath and turned on her heels.

"I need to finish dinner. Carl will be back soon."

They went downstairs and she went into the kitchen. He stood in the living room, closer to the door than her, not knowing what to say or do next.

"What happens now?" She asked.

"What do you mean?"

She looked over at him. She always made him feel some kind of way when she looked at him. It was never a blank stare, never without meaning. Every moment her eyes were on him made him feel something from the moment he met her. Intrigue, happiness, confusion, empathy, even anger. He never experienced a moment of indifference toward her.

She went back to chopping. "I feel like the ball is in your court. What do you want to do? Do you see yourself wanting to try again at some point? Do you want to wait until you get your memory back? I mean, what if you don't?"

"I know one thing for sure and that's what I'm not going to do." He was done with putting others before himself. He was going to do what needed to be done for him. "I moved my things to Daryl's place. I'm gonna stay there until..."

"Until what?" She looked up at him.

"Until," he said with a shrug. "I don't know. I just feel like I'm missing something here. Like you're holding back from me and that's the last thing I want to feel right now because I've been in this fog since I woke up and I just want some truth and no one is giving it to me."

"I figure you needed time. It was stupid, I know that now. But it made sense in my head at the time."

"I don't need time. I need something real."

"I can give you that."

"I know you can." He laughed. "That's all you're ever been with me from the moment I met you. Real. That's what I want now. No kid gloves. I can handle it. Give me a reason to fight through this lost feeling, to find my way back. What do you want?" He asked.

She placed the knife down and walked over to him. "I'll give you real. I want us to try again even if you don't have your memory. Even if you never get your memory back. You think you can handle that?"

"Did I love you?"

"Yes," she said with no hesitation.

"You think I would fake that?"

"No." She shook her head.

He nodded. "Good." He leaned in and kissed her on the lips. It was intimate but not too long or passionate. They needed to do more talking than anything but he was all in and wanted her to know the path he was ready to take. Her lips were soft. He could hear the breath catch in her throat and it excited him. In that moment he allowed himself to envision being with her in this way. And he could see it.

"I imagine I loved doing that." His head remained close to hers.

"We did."

"Where do we go from here?"

"Father Gabriel. Maybe talk to him."

"No."

She pulled back a little so she could look in his eyes. "Denise is a psychiatrist."

"A shrink?" He shook his head. "No way. You're getting worse."

She smiled. "Go see him."

He frowned. "Why?"

"They're two people who have sworn to do no harm. Go see him."

He still wasn't convinced. They were sworn to do no harm but they, at least Denise, remained silent along with the others.

"Trust me?"

"With my life."

"Well..." She made a funny expression.

He nodded and sighed. When she said things like that he always capitulated. She had an effect on him that even he couldn't deny and sometimes couldn't understand. "See ya later."

As he descended the steps of Michonne's brownstone he saw Lori and Judith slowly walking at the corner where he was headed. He wouldn't run from her because he wasn't the one in the wrong who should be ashamed and there was no way he would avoid his daughter. He took a deep breath and made his way toward them.

"Hi." She picked Judith up and held her in her arms.

"Hey."

"I guess you two made up." She nodded her head toward Michonne's brownstone.

"None of your concern." He peered up and down the street. There were people out getting things ready for tomorrow's block party and the grand opening of the new playground.

She nodded and kept her eyes on Judith. "You're right."

They both used Judith as an excuse to not look at each other. His was out of anger, hers out of guilt probably.

"I always resented that bond the two of you had but I knew it was real."

But that bond didn't stop her from betraying them both. "Lori," he said before stopping himself. Even coming from Lori, he was interested in anything regarding his connection with Michonne. Even more so from an outsider's point of view. And he was intrigued, what would Lori say about his connection with Michonne?

"The first night we arrived in Alexandria I couldn't sleep. We were all sleeping in that one house because you were so paranoid. I woke up and there you two were, standing at the window talking and then you left together. You didn't come back for over an hour. I knew, at 3:00 in the morning, that I would never have with you what she had with you."

He hated how she said that, 'because you were so paranoid'. He wasn't sure she even noticed how negative she could be. Michonne would have said something about him being cautious or protective.

He faced her. "Nothing happened," he sighed, annoyed.

"I believe that." She frowned. "Wait, how do you know?"

"Know what?"

"That nothing happened that night. Are you getting your memory back?"

"I...I don't know." He didn't remember the night she mentioned. At least he didn't think so but there was a familiarity about a lot of things. Even if he wasn't getting his memory back he knew Michonne wasn't the type to play the role of the other woman. But the idea of getting his memory gave him a thrill. He could allow himself to fall in love with Michonne all over again if he had to but he would rather remember because missing the past year hurt. That meant a year of his life, of Judith's life, what the group went through to get from a Georgia prison to this new place that was supposed to be paradise. He wanted to remember those things.

"When I absolutely knew there was no chance for us, that it was over, was the night of Deanna's party."

"What happened that night?" He wanted to know what happened that night between them. The parts he couldn't recall. He also didn't want to know. Didn't want to know how he hurt Michonne, how he led Lori on, how he was the bad guy.

"We were in your bedroom. It was just after you told Judith good night. I was feeling pretty bad. Some kind of post-partum or something maybe. I don't know. And Carl was being particularly standoffish. He even said something hurtful, that he didn't need a mother anymore, that I'd missed out on the chance to be a mom. You tried to make me feel better about it all. Making sure to tell me I was a good mom."

She was a loving mother. He'd never take that away from her.

"I guess I just took that kindness for more. Hoped it was more." She ran her hand over Judith's curls. "We had sex, Rick. I never told anyone. Not even Carol. You don't have anything to worry about."

It was in that moment he realized she didn't know he knew and she didn't know he told Michonne back when it happened.

"When we were together you whispered her name." She ran her tongue over her upper lip. "There's no coming back from that. No way to salvage a relationship when he's calling out another woman's name while inside of you."

In spite of what Lori had done and all they had been through, even he wouldn't want to be that cruel and he could only imagine how much that hurt her to hear him call Michonne's name while they were having sex.

"I knew you two never did anything, well until you did, but I guess I always knew the possibility was there. You would always touch her." She laughed but it did nothing to cover the dejection in her voice. "For no reason. Her arm, her shoulder, her lower back, a playful shove. You were so affectionate with her even as friends. I lost you to her long before you two got together."

"You didn't lose me to her. You just lost me." There was no way he would allow her to insert Michonne in the failure of their marriage.

"I've learned some things about us. About how this should be."

"In the last couple of days? Really?" He frowned at her, doubting she made a miraculous change in how she felt about them.

"I learned we don't have to lose it all. We can't be together but we are parents together and that means something. That's probably the most important. That's special. It's not all or nothing. That's how I behaved back at the prison and maybe even here. I'm sorry for that."

"Learned all that, huh?"

"I know you don't believe me."

He couldn't say that he did but there was no need to say it.

"I've been unfair to you," she said. "I'm appreciative for what we once had and the way I loved you and you loved me. I didn't always. I was busy trying to convince myself that you would come around. I said you hated me because I prepared myself for the worst but I hoped for the best. I'm truly sorry for what I've done. I hope you can forgive me."

Rick was still not ready to forgive; he wasn't sure he had it in him. He wasn't sure he was that big of a man. "It's not easy to forgive this one. Maybe one day. _Maybe_. But all I want now is space because there is nothing you can say to me, unless it's about the kids, that I want to hear."

She nodded. "That's fair. That's all I can ask for."

"It's more than you can ask for," he said. That last part left his mouth before he even knew he was saying it. He ran his hand over Judith's hair and touched her cheek then walked off.

He hadn't gotten more than 100 feet before he saw the doctor, Denise, sitting on the infirmary porch. He thought about passing by, not talking to her like Michonne suggested, when she called out to him.

"Rick. Hello."

He held his head down for a moment then walked over. He placed his foot on the first step but that was far as he was willing to go.

"Have a seat?" She pointed at the chair near her.

"This is fine." No need to get too comfortable.

"I was going to come and see you later."

"Why?"

"You hadn't come for your follow up."

"No need unless you can give me something to get my memory back.

"Sorry," she said with a playful frown, "Can't do that."

"They say if you want to know the future, you look to the past. Or something like that. I'm messing it up. Do you know that saying?"

She nodded. "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

"Yeah that."

"Past as prelude." She laughed.

"Why is that funny?"

"It's a gross oversimplification. Human behavior researchers agree that past behavior is a useful marker for future behavior. But only under certain specific conditions."

He didn't care about the proper terms or gross oversimplifications. He seemed to be making a habit of hurting Michonne with Lori. He needed to know if he would always use Lori to hurt Michonne. Maybe it was best they were apart for her sake.

"Like what?"

"High-frequency, habitual behaviors are more predictive than infrequent ones and the theory works best over short time intervals. The anticipated situation must be essentially the same as the past situation that activated the behavior." Her arms began to move and she became more expressive. This was definitely in her wheelhouse. "The behavior must not have been extinguished by corrective or negative feedback. The person must remain essentially unchanged and must be fairly consistent in his or her behaviors. So, it's more like the best predictor of future behavior is relevant recent behavior."

He frowned. Not sure what to say.

"A person who smoked a pack of cigarettes a day can stop. A petty thief who never earned anything he had can get a job." She smiled. "So no, we're not doomed to repeat our mistakes. Would you like to come in and talk?"

"And lie on the couch?" He shook his head. There was no way he was going to lie on a couch and share his feelings with a stranger.

She smiled. "No one lies on a couch. That's in the movies. I'm more than happy to talk with you and that's something I'm good at. You'd think more people would want to talk. There are dead people walking around for goodness sake; that's not normal. People who couldn't hurt a fly are now taking lives in order to survive. Moral and ethical dilemmas abound. Wouldn't hurt to talk through the choices we've made and the fear, regret, guilt, and shame among many other emotions we've all felt for whatever reasons."

"I'll see you around," he said and walked off. He didn't need her poking around in his head analyzing his thoughts and choices.

xXxXxX

Gabriel was sitting on the iron bench underneath a tree across the street from the apartment building. If they had phones he would have thought Michonne called Denise and Gabriel and instructed them to cross his path. But this place was like a small neighborhood; chances were high that they'd run into everyone daily. Rick started making his way into the building, thinking he would get away.

"It's a beautiful day, isn't it?" He called out to Rick.

Rick sighed, hung his head down briefly then turned. "It is. I was about to head inside."

"Come over and sit for a minute. There's nothing like the sky this time of day when it's full of color as the day winds down."

Rick looked up at the sky with it's colors, the gray, white, and tiny speck of pink while the sun was like a bright fireball. Michonne loved sitting outside and watching the sun disappear, especially from one of the guard towers at the prison. He instinctively looked around and wondered if she was somewhere at this moment taking in the same view. He headed over and sat next to Gabriel.

"I was away for a few days conducting a theology seminar. This world has made people believe there is a higher being. I'm training three new priests."

Rick didn't believe that. This world was a result of science and human nature.

"Well, s _ome_ people. I'm glad to see you back on your feet. What's been going on with you?"

"I've been between a rock and a hard place."

"Lori and Michonne." He nodded.

Rick looked at him.

"I may have just returned yesterday but news travels fast. I'll tell you what I told you before-"

"What you told me before?" Was this why Michonne wanted him to see Gabriel?

"A few months ago you came to me. Not because you wanted to." He smiled at Rick. "You said Michonne wouldn't be with you unless you figured out your...shit."

"What?"

"You wanted to be together but she was hesitant at first."

"Because of Lori," Rick said to himself, looking down at the ground. "Did you fix me?"

"You fixed yourself."

He figured it wasn't all him. If he could fix himself he would have done so long ago. "What did you tell me?"

"Every time you give attention to Lori's sadness you enable her to continue. People participate in certain behaviors because they are getting something out of it. Doesn't matter if it's positive or negative, it's something and that's better than nothing. If she is unhappy then she needs to figure out what she's missing, what she wants, why she's not happy, and what will make her happy. That's not your job, not even when you were together."

"Did you talk to Lori?"

"I can't divulge that just as I'd never tell anyone if you and I talked."

"Well, I'm not worried about her at all anymore."

"Even though you just asked if she sought counsel? It's okay to be nice to Lori."

Rick grunted.

Gabriel smiled that annoyingly freaky smile, the kind someone gave even when it seemed most inappropriate. He'd probably smile at someone holding a gun to his head.

"You can be cordial with Lori and still be in a relationship with Michonne. I think that would make things more palatable for everyone."

"Yeah, everyone who helped cause this mess by not telling me the truth?"

"I heard about that as well. Again, news travels fast. I know you're upset with everyone and you have every right to feel however you feel. I suppose I would be upset as well. I hope one day you can forgive."

"Forgive?"

"Forgiveness is for you, not the ones you forgive. Do you believe their choices were done to hurt you? People do the best they can. They try to do the right thing or sometimes they do nothing for fear of doing the wrong thing. But do you believe anyone acted with malice? You don't get to determine how others act. Just how you react."

"So I don't get to be angry?"

"Of course you do and I believe it to be valid and justified. I just believe anger, if it's held on too long, will block happiness and opportunity. It distracts."

He was upset but as much as he wanted to be angrier with Gabriel the man was right. He would be honest about the betrayal and the hurt and disappointment. He wasn't going to hide his feelings to make others feel less like shit because of their silence. He also knew he couldn't let it consume him for the sake of his relationship. His focus needed to be Michonne and finding his way back to her. Just as she wanted, he would give it a chance even if he didn't regain his memory. He didn't forget everything. She wasn't a stranger to him. He knew her name, knew their past, knew the person she was. He remembered the mutual respect, admiration, laughter, honesty. He remembered them calling each other out on each other's shit. All those things were a foundation he'd never had with anyone.

But he would be angry for a few more days. Maybe the same amount of days they let him look like a fool. They earned it.


	19. Chapter 18: Long Road to Here

**Chapter 18: Long Road to Here  
** **Michonne  
Saturday**

Michonne stood on the stage with Hershel, Olivia, Abraham, and Aaron as Deanna stood front and center and spoke to the community. She felt awkward, as surely they all did, receiving credit for something the entire community was responsible for making happen.

She was proud, proud of all of them. They were not just in a safe place to lay their heads. What they built was community and love, people who would put their heads on the chopping block for each other. This is another day forward. Today was not only a celebrating their accomplishments but fuel to make their remaining dreams reality.

She surveyed the area. The last couple of days brought rain and that morning it felt like there would be more, but minutes before the dedication the gray clouds dissipated and exposed the sun. It was a bright, sunny days. One of those days where the sky with it's perfect clouds looked like a 3-D rendering form Disney animation.

Hershel and Glenn manned the industrial-size grill a couple of the men built for the occasion, which was creating the smell of BBQ wafting through the community. She had her heart set on the grilled corn on the cob, especially since Hershel knew the only way to do so was grill them in the husks. The food alone was an accomplishment. There were fried tomatoes, massive loaded baked potatoes, and apple pies. Carol even made baked beans. The kids went crazy over their new playground; there were swings, slides, and a very intricate jungle gym she was determined to tackle once the kids had their chance.

She watched as Ross and Lori painted the kids' faces. She always got the feeling he was interested in Lori but while he was pining after Lori she always had her eyes on Rick.

"Maybe she could focus on him and leave you and Rick alone."

She smiled at the sound of Andrea's voice. "Yeah." She hated she was caught even looking in Lori's direction.

"At least Rick knows the truth. Thank God. That was not like you."

She frowned and turned her head to look at Andrea. "Not like me? What does that mean?"

"You were all weak, letting Lori take what is yours."

"I'm not used to my boyfriend getting amnesia and wanting to be with his ex, but not really because there are no divorces, wife. Tell me, how exactly was I supposed to respond?"

"Fight for him. It's just not you to be so meek. To let her get the better of you and take advantage."

Michonne didn't think weak or meek when she thought about the last few days. There was hurt, doubt, fear, and definitely insecurity. "I'm allowed to feel uncertain aren't I? Or am I supposed to just be some hard ass killer with no emotions other than loyalty and duty? I'm a human being, Andrea." She shook her head and took a few steps to put some distance between the two of them. "It's not like me?"

In other words, she was human for five days, five fucking days, and Andrea held it against her and judged her for it. It was hard to be what Andrea expected. She didn't crumbled often but she wanted to be sad, cry, be weak when the situation warranted. She wanted the gift of humanity she gave everyone else like when she didn't judge when Andrea pouted over what Andrea considered a probationary period once she returned to the prison.

"Guess I'm just not used to seeing Michonne not have her shit together. My admiration for you was meant to be a compliment in a way, not a burden."

They had only seen her put down walkers and fight the living in order to survive. They never saw her when another person had her heart in their hands. She had no idea what is like for her to be in love and vulnerable to another's actions in that way. She valued the vulnerability Rick brought out in her. It made her feel alive, if that made sense.

She softened her voice. "Andrea, you've seen me kill and fight. I'm more than that. That has nothing to do with the heart and how I handle relationships. You know nothing about that part of me. I appreciate your friendship and you being there for me the past week but don't tell me who I am. I'm not saying I handled this thing perfectly or that I'd do the same way if give the chance. Maybe I was too cautious but I closed that part of me off for a long time when the man who I thought was my dream turned my life into a nightmare."

She knew Rick would never betray her trust the way Mike and he still hurt her in his own way, but Rick's actions were forgivable. Worst than getting hurt would be if she never allowed herself to love and be loved by him. With love came disappointment and yes, even hurt sometimes.

"I had a co-worker. She was a fierce litigator. I mean, this woman had men shaking in their boots. Everyone knew her mantra: do no harm but take no shit." Michonne smiled faintly thinking about Marilyn. "One day she didn't show up at the office. No one had heard from her. They sent an associate to her home and found her dead. Later, we found out her boyfriend abused her. Her sister said it had been going on for years. He finally killed her. She was so tough, so smart, and sure of herself. I never would have imagined. I even thought why would she allow that to happen but the world doesn't need permission to throw your life into chaos. We don't know everything about everyone and how they handle things."

"You're right. I'm sorry." She looked over Michonne's shoulder then gave Michonne a quick hug. "I'll catch up with you later."

Michonne turned to see Rick walking in her direction. He wore a gray T-shirt and jeans. She believed he looked even better in gray than he did blue despite the blue bringing out the blue of his eyes. She smiled when she saw despite the change in shirts he was in those same worn-down brown boots.

"Hey." He didn't stop until there was barely a foot between them.

"Hey yourself."

"That lady over there, I forgot her name, just told me it's nice Lori and I are making things work."

"What lady?"

"The one in the pink sweater. This is going to be weird. Just as people are finding out I made up with Lori they'll find out I'm back with you."

"Is this awkward for you? Us being...together?"

"No. It's not that I feel awkward around you. It's one of the few things that feels right. I mean, we're friends and I've always felt comfortable. I hate not knowing a part of you that I recently discovered. I hate not knowing about us since being here."

"You'll get there. _We'll_ get there." She smiled.

"Got you something."

"What?"

He pulled a candy apple from behind his back.

"I love these."

"Apples and candy. I figure you put two things you love together and it's a can't miss. I haven't forgotten everything."

"No, you haven't."

There was a giddiness to her. She smiled as she took it from his hand. This was the side of her only he was able to bring back even when she thought she had buried it for good. The side of her that made her happy she gave herself - body, soul, and spirit - to Rick.

"Do I get a bite of that?"

She wondered momentarily if they should play it cool around everyone but Rick didn't seem interested and to be honest, neither was she. The past week felt like an eternity and she was done with putting herself last for the sake of optics. She held the candy apple to his mouth and watched as he took a large bite.

"Hey." She feigned annoyance at the missing chunk.

"Good," he mumbled with a full mouth.

She bit into the apple, catching the broken pieces of candy in her other hand as juice from the apple ran down to her chin. He took his thumb and wiped her face.

"Like Judith."

She laughed. "Thanks. Just who I want to be compared to...a child."

The Millers, the oldest couple in the community, did a two-step to the music past them, but not before trying to get them to dance along. That wasn't their style. Michonne and Rick were always the buttoned up leaders when they were out in the community but behind closed doors they let their guard down. In fact, they danced often to the sounds of an extensive CD collection in their brownstone.

"Have you seen everything?" He asked.

"No."

"Let's check it out."

There was music, helium balloons, kids running around with painted faces, games, and the smell of unhealthy, fried food. She had her candy apple and her boyfriend, all she needed was a big stuffed animal. It felt like a carnival. It felt normal. Normal as long as she ignored the looks they received and that's what she decided to do. People were going to talk. They always did and nothing would stop that. It wasn't their job to make people understand anything about their relationship.

She tapped Rick on the arm and pointed. "Look."

There was an area where a few people were relaxing on picnic blankets. Carl, Judith, and Enid were there. They headed over to the kids.

Judith's face was painted but the distinct stain of blueberries were around her mouth as she sat with a small bowl full of them. She waved hello with both of her blue hands.

"Hey sweetheart," Rick said as he leaned down and ruffled her hair. "Hey, Carl. Enid."

"Hi, dad. Hi, Michonne."

"Hey," Enid mumbled.

Rick thought Enid was too morose and feared she would turn Carl into the same, but Michonne knew there was a story to that silence. She didn't fault the young girl. She was without her parents or anyone she knew before the world changed and had to adapt to a group of strangers. Michonne understood it. She was Enid but with more years and experience, and it still took her time to work through her issues. All Enid needed was friendship and patience. She would eventually realize this group, who would die for each other, included her too.

"Why don't you guys go have some fun," Michonne said. "We'll take care of Judith."

Before she could sit Carl and Enid ran off toward without another word.

"He likes babysitting more than he lets on." Michonne smiled as she watched Carl chase Enid after she swiped his hat.

"I know." He grabbed Judith and placed her back down on the blanket her between his legs.

When she began to whimper. Michonne placed the bowl of blueberries within her reach which ended the whimpering before it could really get started.

She saw Maggie and Tara walking by each with a clear, plastic cup of watermelon chunks. "That looks good."

"Want some?" Rick asked.

She nodded.

"You two stay here. I'll be right back."

She removed Judith's shoes and socks and smiled as she wiggled her now free toes. Michonne lay on her side, propping her head in her hand as she watched Judith and her passion for those blueberries. Judith looked over at Michonne and smiled. Then she placed a blueberry against Michonne's lips, practically pushing it in her mouth when Michonne didn't take it fast enough.

Michonne opened and took an exaggerated bite, nibbling on Judith's fingers as she took the little one's offering. That caused Judith to giggle and for Michonne, there was no sweeter sound.

"You've always been good with her."

Michonne sat up and looked behind her to see Lori standing over her. "Lori."

"Hey. You and Rick seem to be getting along well."

This wasn't an interaction she wanted to have today. Today was supposed to be fun. It was a celebration. But Lori kept awkwardly rambling about a bunch of nothing from face painting to food. Lori wasn't short on nerve. She hadn't even apologized to Michonne and she wanted to chit chat like nothing happened. As if Michonne wasn't deserving of an apology after what she did.

"Rick will be back soon. I don't think you should be here when he does."

"You're upset."

She didn't want to get in an argument with Lori. She wasn't interested in dragging her through the mud or making her feel like shit. Arguing over a man was something she never did. She would choose a lonely peace over a relationship rocked by outside drama. That was her line of thinking before she and Rick got together because an ex always hanging on the periphery of your relationship was cause for concern, whether it was Rick's fault or not. She knew that for a fact thanks to Mike and his ex-girlfriend.

"I'm trying here," Lori said, her arms open. "Okay, I get it." She turned and walked off.

"What did she want?" Rick sat down next to her with two cups filled with watermelon chunks.

"Nothing."

"I got one with chile powder and one without. I didn't know that was something people did but kind of got the feeling you might like it." He smiled at her.

"You would be right." She used the plastic fork and put a piece to his mouth. "Don't judge unless you try it."

She stared at his mouth as he bit. Somehow becoming aroused at the mere sight of his lips around her fork.

"Not bad."

"That's your way of saying it's great and you're going to eat more of mine than yours like you usually do." She took a bite.

Judith stood and wrapped her arms around Rick's neck. He broke a small piece of watermelon and gave it to her.

"Abraham and Eugene were talking about building a pool. Can you believe that? A pool?"

"I heard whispers." She lay on her back and closed her eyes.

Soon she felt Judith crawl on top of her. Then Rick lay next to her and played with Judith's feet, sometimes his hand touched her thigh. Sometimes he let it stay there.

* * *

 _ **Alexandria**_

 _Michonne and Andrea sat at the table playing a hand of Kings in the Corner one evening. It was a game Andrea learned from her grandmother and she taught Michonne. It made the time go by. It also allowed them to talk about their day. They joked about growing old together playing cards but that wasn't something Andrea was interested in. She hadn't dared to fall for another man since The Governor but Michonne knew Andrea wanted more to life. She had her eye on a particular resident on the construction crew. To be honest, Michonne was ready for more than safety, survival, and leadership too._

 _"You're getting good at this," Andrea said._

 _Just as Michonne was about to respond there was a knock on the door. She looked across the table at Andrea who gave her the smirk of all smirks._

 _"It's for you." Andrea placed her cards down on the table._

 _"Says who? It could be anyone and it could be for you." Even though she said that she didn't believe it because she knew the person on the other side of the door was there for her._

 _Andrea stood and smiled. "But it's not anyone for me. It's Rick for you." She headed for the kitchen._

 _"You know what they say about assuming," she called out after Andrea._

 _The answer in return was nothing but laughter. No one was cockier than Andrea when she was right._

 _Michonne ran her hands over her face and smoothed her eyebrows, checked her clothes, opting to adjust her boobs and give herself some cleavage for Rick to see in her tank top as she looked around the brownstone. Then she headed to the door, took a deep breath, and opened it._

 _Rick leaned against the iron railing of the stairs looking like something out of a western movie. He gave her an unapologetic look over from head to toe, lingering at her chest. "Evening."_

 _"Hi," she said._

 _"Brought you something." He held it out to her._

 _She grabbed it from his hand and smiled at the tube of toothpaste. "This isn't spearmint and baking soda."_

 _"Yeah, it's peppermint."_

 _She shook her head, giving a disapproving stare that lost its effect because she couldn't keep a smile off her face. "Doesn't taste the same."_

 _"Maybe I'll find out for myself."_

 _It excited her and scared her that he was becoming more emboldened in his flirtations. There were even the most outrageous times when he'd stealthily let his hands linger on her when they were around people. A finger trailing over the sensitive skin of her neck. A running hand across her lower back. Even his hand on her thigh under the table once._ _He left her speechless more often than not when they were alone. She could barely keep up with him and his wanton ways. It was a constant battle between restraint and reckless abandon._

 _"How was your run?"_

 _"Like any other run." He shrugged._

 _"How far did you guys go out?"_

 _He shook his head with a smile then ignored her question. "Meet me at the gazebo in ten minutes." He walked off. Not waiting for a response. Knowing she would be there._

 _She didn't respond._ _She knew her voice would betray her._ _She simply nodded as she watched him descend the stairs._ _She closed the door and saw Andrea standing, more like hovering, near the kitchen._

 _"Wow, you two are just itching to get something started. What are you waiting on?"_

 _"He has a wife." She sat on the couch._

 _"Only because there's no divorce court in the new world." She walked into the living room. "Have Deanna make something official. We can write up divorce papers. Lori and Rick sign. Deanna can mediate and sign off on it. It's not like there's any property to split. No one should have to be stuck with someone because the world went to shit."_

 _"And how would that look?"_

 _"Screw it. Who cares?" She walked over and joined Michonne._

 _"Easier said than done." Survival depended on trust and relationships. They really were a village now and couldn't afford for differences, major or petty, to divide them. They had to be able to have each other's back without hesitation brought on by anger or resentment. And frankly, it was a small community. The prospect of getting cold shoulders and attitude wasn't something she was thrilled about._

 _"Look, everyone knows that marriage was doomed long before you arrived. At the prison we all saw that is was dead. It wasn't even a marriage by the time you joined the group, right?"_

 _"But the people here-"_

 _"The only people here that would give a damn are the hen crew."_

 _There were a handful of women, the stay-at-home mom types, that instantly welcomed Lori into their group. She was the one with kids. She was a perfect fit for them. Not to mention that like them, Lori wasn't one to venture outside the walls and do heavy lifting. The way Michonne saw it, none of them intimidated the other so they were safe to have each other as friends._

 _"Rick and I may have had our disagreements but he didn't hesitate to welcome me back to the group after all that stuff with Philip. He's a good man. A nice looking man," Andrea_ _said with a smile as she nudged Michonne with her shoulder. "It's only a matter of time before saving the world isn't enough for him when he's lying in his bed at night all alone."_

 _"Andrea." She tried to admonish her friend before she got too in detail at the idea of Rick and Michonne having sex. It was always a lost cause. No one would believe that Andrea liked the bodice ripper romance novels. It was like she had passages committed to memory._

 _"I'm just saying don't let that get away." She pointed at her friend. "You can't keep telling him no when you really want to say yes. Eventually, he'll think you mean it and move on. Not to Lori, but he will move on and you can't blame him because you'll have no one to blame but yourself. This is Rick Grimes, he needs more than some helpless woman. He deserves more. He deserves you."_

 _She wasn't sure Andrea would think that if she knew Rick slept with Lori. That was something she kept to herself. There was a fine line between confiding in friends and telling too much of the bad stuff. It would only poison Andrea against Rick. And the thought of seeing Rick with another woman at this point would surely break her heart. "It's not time."_

 _"Not time? This is the slowest developing relationship on the planet. I'm sure of it. Maybe you guys can graduate to dry humping tonight."_

 _"That would be skipping a few steps," Michonne muttered._

 _Andrea sat up like a dog that heard a strange noise. "What? What do you mean? Wait, have you two even kissed?"_

 _She shook her head. She didn't want to just have a physical relationship with Rick. It was about more than just getting off. Though she wanted that too. Many times her mind wandered to thoughts of him while she was in her bed or in the shower. When she pleasured herself, his was the face she imagined. His name was the one she moaned._

 _Andrea rolled her eyes. "You're both pathetic." She looked down at Michonne's hand. "What's that?"_

 _"He brought me toothpaste from his run with Daryl."_

 _"So why don't you go use it and then give him a taste of his gift."_

 _Michonne rolled her eyes._

 _"You don't think he's gonna want a kiss after getting you toothpaste? Michonne, there are standard plays in a game. Trust me. It's like back in the day when a guy would text you at two in the morning and ask if you were awake. He doesn't give a shit about your insomnia. He wants to get laid." She stared off wistfully. "I miss my cell phone. If we could get that working again, that would be something."_

 _Michonne laughed even though she didn't want to encourage Andrea._

 _She threw on a zippered hoodie, opting to leave it unzipped and headed to the gazebo. It was late and quiet. Still. Everyone was settled in for the night behind closed doors. This had become a routine for them. They spent late nights outside talking in the gazebo especially now that the weather chilled and there was a gentle midnight breeze._

 _There were two small benches facing each other. He was seated on one and stood when she arrived. She was battling nerves, more than usual. Andrea's words played in her head on her way over. Would he want a kiss?_

 _"So, I got you toothpaste. What do I get?"_

 _"Thank you?" She laughed._

 _"Try again."_

 _She patted him on his arm. "Thank you very much?"_

 _"Wow, no quid pro quo, huh?"_

 _"What do you want?" She turned her back and rolled her eyes at her response. Like Andrea didn't warn her. Like she didn't know without her friend's needling._

 _"You suck at playing stupid."_

 _Her head and her heart, not to mention her libido, were in a constant battle when it came to Rick. But something was holding her back and that's where the excuses came from. She just didn't know what it was._

 _He approached her and her body stiffened as he stood behind her. Painfully close. So close a tingle went down her spine. So close she could feel his body against hers. His chest against her back. His groin against her butt._

 _"I'm not sure you're willing to give me what I want."_

 _"You're married." She was barely able to speak._

 _"So why are you out here?"_

 _She turned to him. He was so close, too close. She sidestepped until she was no longer in front of him, putting a distance between them. Why was she out here with him? How did she explain that? Deny that? It would be absurd but she did it anyway. "Because I like talking to you."_

 _"That's all?"_

 _"That's all we ever do so yeah." She attempted a laugh but it was a pathetic one serving only to showcase her nervousness. She looked away, unable to look him in the eyes after that lie._

 _"What are we?"_

 _"What do you mean?"_

 _He stood in front of her. "What are we to each other?"_

 _"We're friends."_

 _"No." He shook his head. "Try again."_

 _She remained silent._

 _"You weren't pissed off and hurt in that garage after I told you what happened the night of Deanna's party because we're friends."_

 _After that evening she understood why he pulled back because once he told her she also pulled back, limiting her time around him, definitely if it required them to be alone. It was awkward for them both. But her heart couldn't take purposely avoiding him. Not talking and laughing and soon they went back to normal, on the surface at least._

 _"You're my best friend, but what I feel for you is so much more than friendship and the same goes for what you're feeling for me."_

 _"Nothing can change as long as you're still living with her."_

 _"The kids..."_

 _"I know that. That's why I didn't give you an ultimatum. Your kids are there. You can't just pick up and leave one day out of the blue. You're a good man, so good that it's not just about the kids. It's her too."_

 _"I'm not in love with her anymore." He was defensive. Maybe even defiant._

 _"Well, only you know that for sure but you do think about how it would look for her. How she would be embarrassed. You've been putting that before your own happiness. Our happiness. This isn't an easy situation. You're the kind to suffer in silence. Thinking everyone's happiness and safety is more important than your pain."_

 _"Well, you would know."_

 _"What does that mean?"_

 _"Nothing."_

 _"No, tell me."_

 _"You're just as selfless. Actually, it's not selfless it's just crazy." He stood in front of her. Close. "You want to be with me. You love me. You can have me but you won't do anything about it because you're worried about the feelings of someone who would stab you in the back the first chance she got."_

 _"Maybe she'd do that because she believes there is still a chance. Why does she feel that way?"_

 _"Why are you so willing to see the good in Lori even if it means making me the bad guy? Look,_ _Lori and I share a past. But life is about today and tomorrow. That's all that matters and she and I don't share that." He placed his hands on her waist and leaned his face next to hers. "_ _I can't stay with her because of that."_

 _She pulled away from him. "Maybe."_

 _"_ _This can't go on forever."_

 _She admitted her feelings, cryptically, weeks ago. They danced around everything. His feelings for her. Her feelings for him. His marriage. Her uncertainty that he was ready. His guilt. "Maybe give me a reason to jump out of the plane with no parachute._ _I'm not just thinking about Lori. I'm protecting myself._ _I'm not going to give you my heart and put myself in front of the Mack truck that is you and Lori's messiness. I'm not asking for much by expecting your head to be clear when you enter into this. Don't try to make me the bad guy who is keeping this from happening."_

 _"Every time I see her walking through that house all I do is wish it could be you. I think about what it would be like to live with you. To watch you get dressed in the morning. To take a shower with you. Lie down in bed next to you." He placed his hand on her cheek. "Make love to you."_

 _"Rick."_

 _"You know that saying love is blind?"_

 _"Yeah."_

 _He shook his. "Not for me. It's crystal clear. This."_

 _"What is this?"_

 _"Love."_

 _"Love," she whispered, barely able to say the word._

 _"It's not? Cards on the table. I'm calling your bluff._ _Do you want to be with me?"_

 _She thought about what Andrea said. That eventually he would tire of the hesitation, the what if, the one day. It seemed he was done with it now. "Yes," she said as she held her head down. "I'm sorry."_

 _"Why are you apologizing for what you want? It's okay to want something without feeling bad about it."_

 _"Just...I need time. Can you give me some? Some time."_

 _"That's all we've had. Time and lies. I'm done lying to myself about what I feel for you._ _You and I...there are no other two people who can make it work better than us, Michonne. You know that and it scares you."_

 _"You're lying to yourself too. About Lori."_

 _Rick groaned. "Why do you have to bring her up? I told you that was the past."_

 _"Denial is not the foundation of a solid relationship."_

 _"Denial about what?"_

 _"I_ _f we had this conversation before Deanna's party you would have said she was the past. But then you slept with her._ _I watched you two back at the prison. Sure, you made it clear you disliked her but then something would happen, remind you of the first time you took her to a football game or the time Carl was a baby and got sick or when you did something else. And she could see that wistful look in your eyes and knew there was still hope. At least, that's what I overheard her telling Carol once."_

 _"I don't know what to say."_

 _"Neither do I. I guess this is one of those times actions speak louder than words."_

 _He nodded a couple of times. "Enjoy your toothpaste."_

 _"I will."_

 _"Need me to walk you home?"_

 _"I don't need you to but I want you to." She offered him a smile._

 _He smiled and shook his head. "You're something else."_


	20. Chapter 19: Allow Me to Introduce Myself

To the guest commenter, yes the painting described in chapter 17 is Salvador Dali. One of my favorite artists.

* * *

 **Chapter 19: Allow Me to Introduce Myself  
Rick  
Saturday**

 _ **In Alexandria**_

 _It had been a little over a week since their last rendezvous at the gazebo. He didn't have the confidence to go to her after their last conversation there. He left her that evening knowing more than ever that she was dying to be with him, but she still managed to kill a bit of his spirit by being so damn scared about the possibility of them. So mostly he sat out there alone contemplating what was and what could be. Then tonight she showed up out of the blue. He took it as a sign that she was missing him, wanting to be some place that had meaning to them both. Her presence gave him hope they could be what they wanted. He was ready to move forward in a profound way._

 _She had her back turned and her arms crossed. For others, those crossed arms meant defensiveness or anger but he knew her well enough to be able to read not just her facial expressions but her body language. The two of them were in sync; they had been that way since she saved Carl's life back in King County. Their non-verbal communication was second to none. It was fucking scary sometimes the way she reassured him before he fully recognized his own doubts. How he could see her skepticism by the way one side of her mouth turned down. At this moment she wasn't mad; she was afraid and trying to hide her vulnerability but he wasn't going to coddle those feelings. He would push her because that's what she did for him and he was always the better for it. So it was time he returned the favor._

 _"Don't give me more reasons because they're nothing but excuses. I've talked to Gabriel."_

 _She turned and faced him. "Three times," she countered, minimizing what he was telling her. What he was doing for her. For them._

 _He sighed. "Michonne, I'm not going through a year of therapy. You don't know how big of a step it was for me to even go to him, let alone tell him my shit. Giving someone a peek into your fucked up head isn't easy, but I've been talking to him about some real stuff. I realized a lot and there were things I already thought about but never told anyone or acted on. Making things better may start with the way you think but you have to do something about it, put it in action and I knew what needed to happen but I wasn't doing that. So I started. I moved out."_

 _"You moved out?" She frowned._

 _"Yes."_

 _"Why didn't you tell me you were moving out?"_

 _"Because it wasn't about you."_

 _"What?"_

 _He shrugged. "It was for me. No matter what comes of you and me, I needed to be out of that house."_

 _Father Gabriel made him realize as long as he was there Lori would always feel there was a chance. Living in the same house just in different rooms was a comma and he needed to put a period on the end of the marriage. They were never getting back together. What was broken long ago couldn't be repaired. Staying was unfair to him, Michonne, and Lori. But the thing was, he was the only one who could make things right. The ball had always been in his court._

 _"Rick."_

 _"_ _It's time. You know why? Because there is no perfect time. You want to wait until she's dead? The kids are adults?"_

 _"How did it go?"_

 _"Moving out?"_

 _She nodded._

 _"It was easy."_

 _She looked skeptical. He didn't blame her. He dragged his feet for almost a year waiting for some sign, maybe subconsciously hoping Michonne or even Lori would set their new lives in motion._

 _"Very easy. Wish I had done it a long time ago."_

 _"What about Carl?"_

 _"He understands."_

 _He knew his son wouldn't be devastated like Lori said. Lori didn't believe that either because she watched as their son became the most resilient of them all. He could bounce back from anything. She was a mother so he knew she did worry, but he knew her concern was mostly a tactic to manipulate Rick into staying. He figured his son might be a little disappointed by not having him in the house, but that wasn't the case. Carl wanted his parents to be happy and everyone safe. That's all. The world was different in that it allowed for more bonding time and his bond with Carl wouldn't suffer because he lived less than a two minute-walk away._

 _"Does he know why?"_

 _"Yes, because Lori and I aren't together anymore and it was time to end the charade. I think it will be great for Judith when she's older; a lot less confusing."_

 _Michonne stared at him and he fought back the urge to laugh because he knew what she was asking._

 _"He doesn't know about us."_

 _"Us," she whispered to herself._

 _"Yes, us. There's an us now._ _I promise-"_

 _"Don't make promises, Rick."_

 _He frowned._

 _"Great expectations lead to great pain. Promises don't always work out. Just show me."_

 _"No."_

 _"What?"_

 _She frowned and he stood there, with the moonlight casting a glow on her, thinking she was adorable when she looked confused and always beautiful. Because even in the most stressful or uncomfortable of situations he always managed to see something great about her whether it was her spirit, strength, or beauty. Or it could be something small, like when she was cleaning a wound on his hand and he noticed she had two piercing holes in one ear._

 _"I know you've gone through a lot. People don't like to feel pain so I get it. I don't like putting myself out there either but it's the only way this can work. I want you to expect the most out of me. You don't respect me if you don't. It's like saying all you expect of me is the bare minimum or something. Like it's a given I'm going to do nothing but disappoint and fail you if you tell me your expectations. I'm going to make it clear what I expect from you and what's important to me because I know you can meet the challenge. You have to do the same because I don't want any guess work in this relationship."_

 _He could hear her gasp and stepped to her, closing the gap between them._

 _But she stepped back._ _"You said you realized some things. Like what?"_

 _"Like how I took on the responsibility of her happiness. And feeling like it wasn't okay for me to move on because she hadn't. I've changed a lot since the world changed. I gave up worrying about right and wrong, acceptable,_ _all the rules of life_ _except one — my marriage."_

 _"I don't understand because for the longest time you weren't working on your marriage. You were content to let it die."_

 _"Ignoring something and making a decision to end something are different."_

 _"I suppose."_

 _"I refuse to wait any longer," he whispered as his hands ran up and down her back and finally settled on her hips. "You're so beautiful I can't take it anymore."_

 _"Is that what this is?"_

 _He knew that was a joke meant to alleviate some of her nervousness but he was going to call her on it because that's what she needed._ _"I've spent weeks, months, the past year telling you how I admire everything about you other than the physical. Can I have this please? Y_ _ou're more than the sword. You're a woman. A woman with lips I want to kiss, skin I want to run my hands over." He ran his thumb over bottom lip and then the top one._

 _"Happiness is a choice and I'm finally choosing to be happy. I want you to do the same. Give yourself permission to be happy. I can't say it won't be hard. There will probably be times when you want to walk away from this, where you doubt yourself, maybe it gets uncomfortable but we want this, we were meant to be so it'll be worth it."_

 _He stared in her eyes and held his breath, waiting for her to say yes. To say yes to them and a new life because now, more than ever, life was short and they had waited too long to live it._

 _"You're worth it," she whispered._

 _He loudly exhaled in relief._ _"This, us, maybe it happened right on time. We both had things to work through, especially me...mostly me, before we could do this without ruining it."_

 _He held her face in his hands, making her look in his eyes._ _"If I can't kiss you, if you want me to stop then tell me now."_

 _He knew once he kissed her his life would never be the same. She would forever have the best of him, all of him. He would never get enough. They hadn't even kissed in the months since they admitted to themselves they wanted to be more than friends. The will power wasn't about loyalty to another. It was respect for her. She needed a definitive ending of his relationship with Lori and clear beginning of their new life together. He respected that and giving it to her meant a lot. And it felt good to him to know this didn't start out some jumbled mess._

 _"Tell me now." He backed her up until she was trapped between him and the gazebo railing. His arms became a barrier on either side of her as he gripped the railing behind her. He stared into her eyes and then down to her lips. Mesmerized._

 _Slowly, he leaned in, giving her time to tell him no. Hoping like hell she didn't because he had dreamed about this moment for so long. When she didn't, he kissed along her jaw. "Tell me," he whispered._

 _He nibbled on her hot skin. Her_ _head fell back and he kissed down her neck. "Tell me now because once this happens I'll never be able to let you go."_

 _She didn't speak. Instead, she rolled her head to the side offering more of herself to him._

 _The moment their lips touched it was so overwhelming to his senses he couldn't help the moan that escaped his mouth. The cold of her lips was followed by the warmth of her tongue. He took notice she was the first to use tongue. She felt so good and she tasted even better._ _He figured the kiss would start slow and gentle but it was obvious that was not what she wanted as she gripped the back of his neck with one hand while the other ran through his hair._ _Her mouth seemed to pose a question and he was determined his kiss was the answer she needed, that told her it would be okay to have the thing she wanted even if it scared her a little._

 _He alternated between kissing her and running his tongue up her neck and to her ear. The way she responded to his touch was hypnotic. The more she moaned and sighed the more he wanted to make those sounds emanate from her body. And it seemed as if she actually melted into his arms. He held her tight for fear she could't stand on her own. Then he lifted her off the ground and sat her on the railing. Instantly her legs wrapped around his waist pulling him closer to her._

 _He pulled back just a tad so his lips still touched hers but he could speak clearly. "You're mine." Then he plunged his tongue into her mouth._

 _He ran his hands under her shirt and felt her shiver as he traveled her torso, stopping to squeeze her breasts through her bra. Her breasts filled his hands. She was petite but her breasts were more than he imagined under those tank tops and vests._ _His hands ran up and down her legs, his thumbs massaging her inner thighs. He couldn't wait for the day when he was able to feel the soft flesh instead of her jeans._

 _"Whoa," she said. She placed her hands on his chest and held her head down._

 _He focused on the rise and fall of her heaving chest as she gasped for breath._

 _"Too rough?"_

 _She shook her head. "Don't think I'd complain about that."_

 _She seemed more surprised by what she said than he did. Those words turned him on even more and he wasn't sure how he was going to handle not pulling her pants down, bending her over that railing, and entering her from behind. He always had a great imagination and as his mind raced he could practically feel the heat and wetness between her legs. See himself sliding in and out, his dick glistening. Hear her ass smack against him. He bit down on his lip._

 _"I don't want people finding out by seeing us making out like two hormonal teenagers."_

 _She was right. It might have been the middle of the night but there was a chance, even if it was a slight one, that someone could come across them. And that someone could be Carl since he was prone to sneaking out with Enid from time to time._

 _They practically ran back to her place. They kissed, stumbling and bumping into furniture as they made their way to the stairs, more interested in touching than focusing on their surroundings._

 _"Shh, you'll wake Andrea." She giggled._

 _They kicked off their shoes and collapsed on her bed, tangled limbs and dancing tongues. Both of them loving that they could finally touch each other in the most intimate of ways. Their hands were everywhere, moving to another body part before realizing what the previous body part was that they had been touching. It was frantic. They wanted each other so much it didn't matter they were practically hanging off the bed, one half turn from falling on the floor._

 _"I can't believe I finally get to touch you like this," Rick whispered in her ear, briefly interrupting his descent down her neck as he placed kisses on her skin._

 _"Neither can I."_

 _He rolled them over so she was on top. It allowed his hands to land on her butt and he even moaned._

 _She pulled back. "I didn't take you for an ass man."_

 _"Is there such a thing as not being one?"_

 _She seemed to be pondering his question with serious thought. "I guess not."_

 _She stretched out on top of him and it made her pants a little looser, enough for him to slide his hands in her pants and rest on her ass. When he squeezed, she grinded herself against his crotch and he moaned at the friction._

 _It was late and they were both tired but they fought sleep because all they wanted was to be near each other and hold each other because they denied each other that most basic desire for so long._

* * *

He knocked on Michonne's door, trying to be patient but he was willing to knock the door down if she didn't answer soon. He had to see her; it couldn't wait until the morning. He saw a little light filter through the window near the door. The door opened and it was obvious he woke her but he was confident he would be forgiven once she knew.

"Rick, it's almost midnight. What's wrong?" She looked past him and up and down the dark street looking for signs of trouble. She was in a gray T-shirt that swallowed her, making her look even more petite. Amazing, when she wielded that sword she seemed seven feet tall.

He stepped inside, grabbed her face and kissed her. He kissed her like their future lives depended on it as he walked her back and closed the door with his foot. It took a few seconds but she began to kiss him back. He wrapped his arms around her and lifted her off the ground, carrying her farther inside the brownstone.

She pulled back and they looked in each other's eyes.

"I remember."

"You remember?" She looked confused.

He nodded. "I remember."

Her eyes widened. "Wait, you remember? When? How?"

He gently placed her down, her bare feet hitting the wooden floor.

"I had a dream. I dreamed about the first time we kissed."

Her shoulders dropped. "How do you know it was a memory and not a dream?"

"We were at the gazebo one night. After I moved out. That's where we first kissed."

She smiled. "You do remember."

"I'm a lucky guy. Very few people have two first kisses."

She smiled. "Do you remember everything?"

"No. Not everything. But enough. I remember on my own and it's gotta mean something." He sat down on the couch. He remembered this was his home and it felt familiar.

"What else?" She sat on the couch and turned side ways and faced him, her legs crossed like a kindergartner in a reading circle.

He wasn't nearly as limber but he turned and faced her but with one leg bent on the couch and the other foot firmly on the floor.

"I remember that first night when we kissed. We came back here and I spent the night. I remembered how good it felt to wake up next to you that next morning. I felt like it was a new life for me."

"What else?"

She was excited. Like a kid at Christmas. He was going to disappoint her because he couldn't remember as much as she surely hoped. It was more feelings than anything else. "I remember the two of us going on a run and spending the night in a hotel or something. It was like we were on a vacation." He smiled. "A honeymoon. Did that happen?"

"It did. That was a great night. We were out scavenging. We spent the first night in the van and then we found that hotel. Anything else?"

"No, sorry."

She was silent for a moment and then looked up, hopeful. "That's okay. It's a start. What made you remember?"

"I don't know. Maybe it was just time to start remembering. Maybe it was spending time together today. Being with you at the block party with Judith and Carl, having fun, it was the most relaxed I felt since I woke up in the infirmary. I didn't feel unsure."

"I'm glad."

"And," he held his head down. "I...I wanted to kiss you today but I didn't."

"Why not?"

"I guess because I couldn't remember so it would have felt out of bounds." He barely had time to straighten his legs before she straddled him.

"I wish you would have. I wanted it too." She held his face in her hands as he did to her at the door and kissed him.

It was slow and sensuous. It was so slow it lulled him until his head almost fell back. She nibbled on his top lip and then his bottom lip. When his head finally fell back she kissed his neck. He shivered when her tongue ran along his skin. There were all kinds of urges surging through his body. His body was responding but he wished he could remember making love to her before being with her now. He grabbed her by the waist and sat her next to him.

"What's wrong?"

He shook his head. "It's just that..."

"What?"

"You remember everything and I don't. I kind of feel like I'd be taking advantage of that."

"It would be me taking advantage, wouldn't it?"

He shook his head. "Right now I'm kind of working off a physical reaction and you're dealing with emotions."

"Oh. Got it." She adjusted her T-shirt and tossed a few errant locs behind her shoulder.

"I just want to remember more before we take this all the way."

"I understand. Sometimes I wish you were a little less honorable." She stood up and walked to the kitchen.

"Trust me, me too," he whispered so she couldn't hear him. It would take a while to be able to comfortably walk back to Daryl's apartment.

She returned with two glasses. "A little Jim Beam," she said as she handed him a glass.

"Thanks." He took a sip and then another.

"How do we move forward if you don't remember everything? Are we in some holding pattern circling the airport?"

"Maybe I don't have to remember everything. Maybe there'll be a feeling that lets me know I can give you what I did before. I wish I could remember more."

"You can't rush it," she said.

"I want to remember it all." He finished off the rest of his drink then headed for the kitchen. He saw a picture on the fridge that instantly told him it was beautiful because it was the scribble of a young child. "Did Judith do this?"

She turned and looked in the direction he was pointing and smiled. "Yes, she did. I'm thinking Jackson Pollock drip period."

He smiled. All he saw was color on top of color in no order with no structure. Meanwhile, Michonne was beaming like Judith created a masterpiece.

He gave it one last look and returned to the couch with the bottle. He held it up toward her and she shook her head. He poured himself more, almost filling it to the rim. "I hate missing a year of her life. A year of Carl's life. What did I miss?"

"Her first step."

That crushed him. "What if I never remember the past year with her?"

"But you were there. You saw it."

"I did?"

"She took three steps toward Carl then fell. Carol baked her a cake. It was all the talk of the town for a week."

"Time moves that slow around here?"

"Around that time it did. We had just rebuilt the walls after a massive walker herd. We lost some folks but it inspired everyone to not just live behind these walls but to restart civilization. You're the one who agreed to trading with other communities."

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "And there's a 50-mile radius safe zone to go back and forth between the communities. One day we hope to have a community school where all the kids from the different communities can go. But we're nowhere near that."

This lost year saw a lot of progress. Massive progress. Friendly people. Trade. A large safe trade route. He should know these things. He found it hard to believe he wasn't in the middle of it all. "Is there something I should be doing?"

"Just getting better."

"There's a construction crew. You work with the other communities. Daryl scouts for new people. Sasha and Andrea handle gun training. What did I do?"

"Ran this place."

"I thought that was the Deanna woman?"

"You're the leader. I mean, she's not just a figurehead. She's important too but in a different way."

"What else are we working on?"

Her face lit up. "On a scavenge, a group found short wave radios. They've been helpful but while Aaron and I were at the meeting last week, satellite phones were mentioned. There's a few places in D.C. that may have them. We're hoping they aren't all gone. I mentioned it to Eugene and Ross and the term game-changer was used. We need to get a few in each community. I know nothing about the technology except they use satellites instead of cell towers."

Why hadn't they thought of that sooner? The truth was they spent more time fighting each other while trying to survive. The Georgia group was a family but it took time to accept some type of structure before they could even think of a plan. They always seemed to be on their heels. Losing Sophia, Carl getting shot, losing the farm, Maggie and Glenn getting kidnapped, the prison falling, Terminus. It was one thing after another. The more time elapsed from the farm he knew two things to be true — Shane was right about the threat of this world and that's why he had to die.

He just wished Shane hadn't pushed him so much. There were ways to disagree, to change someone's mind. Michonne convinced him of many things with few words and a lot of sense. She wasn't concerned about being in charge, just about what was best for the group. Actually, it was about what was best for anyone, like wanting him to reconcile with Lori even if it meant them spending less time together. The thought of not having her by his side, well, it was never an option.

He saw something moving before his eyes. He blinked a few times until it came into view. Michonne was waving her hand in his face. He turned to look at her and she looked amused.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I think I may have loved you, or was falling for you, earlier than I realized."

She broke eye contact and gulped the last of her drink and as it went down her throat and her face contorted, she grabbed the bottle and poured herself another. "Like when?" Her voice a bit hoarse.

"Maybe at the prison."

"Why do you think that?"

"It would explain some things. It was definitely a friendship but you meant so much to me that maybe it was more. Maybe that's why I didn't want to try with Lori because there was always you." He stared at her.

"The best relationships are based on friendship." She offered.

"Probably so. Always seemed like psychobabble bullshit but maybe they were right. You know, I've never been in a relationship with someone I was friends with first. But it was more than friendship, wasn't it? I mean" he slid closer to her. "I look back and we shared everything. We didn't hold back, no matter how it made us look or feel. That's not normal."

"That's the way it should be."

"Maybe it _should_ be normal but it's not. What we had was special. I mean, I knew even back then but I didn't know. I didn't realize how rare it was. Just knew it felt good."

She laughed lightly. "Yeah, we didn't hold back. Nothing was off limits. Not Lori. Not Mike. Nothing."

"I just can't believe they didn't tell me and let me live a lie."

"They're not the reason you forgot and," she said, placing her hand on his knee and stopping him before he could speak. "Nothing happened we can't come back from."

The collar on her T-shirt had been cut off and caused her shirt to fall off to the side exposing her bare shoulder. He could slowly feel himself falling into a trance staring at her skin. It was so smooth. He could see himself running his finger down her face, her jaw, her neck, down to her shoulder. He licked his lips, feeling his mouth become dry by parted lips.

She pushed him back against the couch. "We may be on different speeds," she said before downing her shot. "But I still want you to touch me." She slid over and kissed him with half of her body on his. Her thigh was across his lap and he took the opportunity to run his hand up and down her bare thigh.


	21. Chapter 20:What a Difference a Day Makes

_So FF didn't send out a notification when I posted Chapter 19. So if you haven't read it, go back and read that before this chapter. I hope a notification is sent for this chapter. I want to take a moment to thank you so much for all your comments and encouragement. While I remained steady in my vision of where this story would go, more than any other writing, fan fiction is a reciprocal relationship and your words mean just as much to me as the words I share with you._

 _I managed to sneak in a line from my favorite monster, Cyrus Beene._

* * *

 **Chapter 20: What a Difference a Day Makes  
Michonne  
Sunday**

She was no longer asleep but her eyes were still closed and a smile spread across her face as she remembered Rick coming over the night before. He remembered their relationship. It was the exhale she had been waiting to take. It felt like a movie began to play after being on pause. That's what she prayed for over the past week and it finally came true. Seeing him and not being with him seemed worse than watching him take his last breath. Selfish, she knew but that was her truth. She opened her eyes and turned her head to the side expecting to see him lying next to her but she was alone in their bed and for a moment she questioned if the night before happened or if it was all a dream.

She sat up in the bed and stretched her limbs, listening to the crack and pop of the aching bones of a body that didn't bounce back like it did before the world changed. This rough world seemed to add years to their bodies. Time was like dog years now. She never complained about being old but even with plush mattresses she never fully recovered from worn out prison bunks, sleeping on the ground, and uncomfortable positions in cars.

Her mind went back to Rick. After careful thought, she knew it wasn't a dream. He kissed her. She touched her lips with the tip of her fingers, thinking about those kisses that somehow seemed to synchronously be enough and leave her wanting more. They drank, confirmed by the taste in her mouth, and they kissed some more. Making out on the couch like horny teenagers. She closed her eyes and could feel his hands. On her back. Her thighs. Her breasts.

She brushed her teeth and washed her face before heading down the hall to the second bedroom. The door was open but she was disappointed to see the bed was empty. Perfectly made and without a wrinkle. Did he go home? The end of their night wasn't as clear as when he stormed inside the brownstone and kissed her without first uttering a word. That was a moment she'd never forget like a kiss out of the movies. Right up there with Rhett and Scarlet, Holly and Paul, Jake and Sam.

She went downstairs and found him asleep on the couch. He was curled in a ball without even a blanket fully clothed minus only his didn't leave. That made her feel one thousand times better for whatever the reason. Having him spend the night, even in separate rooms, felt like he was hers again.

She ran her finger over one of his curls. "I missed you," she whispered.

She missed everything about him. The way he rolled over in the morning and spooned her for at least ten minutes, sometimes more, before getting out of bed and starting his day. How he would always do even the smallest things to make her day easier like getting the milk out of the fridge as she made her tea. No man was a god, and they all had imperfections, even one as wonderful as Rick, He wasn't perfect but he was perfect for her.

His eyes fluttered and he looked up at her. "Oh. Morning."

She hated that she interrupted his sleep, but she was happy he was awake.

"Good morning. You could have slept in the bed. In Andrea's old room," she added, remembering he was concerned about her virtue. That was funny to her. So many times her virtue wasn't the last thing they thought about because it never entered their minds while they had sex all over this brownstone. Forget every room. She wasn't sure there was a wall left that he didn't have her pinned against as she screamed his name.

There were so many sides to him that those who didn't know him believed they made him a walking contradiction, incapable of being all those things. She knew better. She knew that's what made him special, that unique mixture that made him capable of leading people in this new world.

He sat up. "Kind of feels like the couch is what I deserved."

She shook her head. "No. You had amnesia."

His need to always be responsible for whatever went wrong was laudable and sad.

"I mean all that happened before." He pulled her closer until she was standing between his legs then ran his hands up and down the back of her thighs.

It sent a shiver down her spine. She ran her hands through his wild curls before bracing herself by placing her hands on his shoulders. "Let's not rehash. We worked through all of that and came out on top. I may not have chosen to fall in love with you; I couldn't help myself. But I chose to be with you and share my life with you. So don't ever think you're putting something on me I didn't willingly sign up for. If I couldn't handle it I'd walk away. I'd cry and it would suck but I'd still walk. Of that, I'm sure. I make my own decisions and that includes what I'll risk a broken heart for."

He nodded. "Noted."

"You're always sorry for something. I hate that you always feel that way. You've worked so hard. It keeps you from being as happy as you could be, should be, deserve to be."

"Funny you say that. After we lost the farm and we were on the road, before we found the prison, I was dealing with everyone being so frustrated and hopeless. I could see it on their faces, especially Beth and Maggie. Those girls lost their home. They didn't know what life was like on the road. I was focused on making people safe. Even the small victories didn't ease that stress. I tried to explain that to Lori. She told me some men aren't meant to be happy. They're meant to be great." He looked up at her. "It's one thing to hear that from someone else, but from my own wife to basically tell me I don't get to be happy and to say it like I should be okay with it just..." He shrugged.

"I didn't know that."

"There's a lot you don't know and that's okay. As long as I don't bring it into our relationship that's all that matters, right?"

"Don't think you can't talk about things."

"I'll remember that."

She smiled. "Want breakfast?" Now he'd make it his business to not tell her about his previous life, just as he stopped doing so shortly after they became a couple. She supposed it made sense. It's one thing to talk about your ex with your friend. With your lover was something drastically, sadistically different. Particularly since Lori was part of their daily lives. It wasn't like she was gone like Mike and she didn't live across town. They were in an enclosed environment, always in each other's faces because the world dictated it be that way. And for the first time she truly thought of how it felt for Lori to see them together. She knew what it felt like thanks to the past week. Maybew Lori wanted her to feel it too.

"Not yet." He pulled her into his lap and gave her a soft kiss on her arm as he stared at her.

"What?" She asked, puzzled by the expression on his face.

"What?"

"You're staring at me."

"I may not know everything but it makes sense. Why we're together. It's like, of course it's you. You're the only one that makes sense."

She smiled because not only was it sweet, it was true. She felt the same. In this world, she had yet to meet a man who came close to Rick Grimes. "You're the only one who makes sense for me too."

"I hope I remember everything but if I don't, I'm committed to moving forward."

"You can do that? Move on with this relationship without knowing everything?"

"I can."

She simply stared at him.

"I have to believe our relationship is based off our friendship, right?"

She nodded.

"Okay then. That's more than enough. Most couples never even have what we had as friends."

A rather obnoxious sound interrupted the moment. He may have wanted to sit around and stare at her but his growling stomach wasn't on board with that plan. They both laughed at the loud sounds from his stomach.

"Some of your things are still here. Why don't you go get a shower while I make breakfast." She climbed off his lap though that's the only place she wanted to be. "Pancakes and fruit okay?"

"Sounds great."

Since the moment on that lookout point, when he told her he knew about the two of them, she questioned if they could ever again be what they were if he didn't regain his memory. Thankfully, he didn't have to fall in love with a stranger, just his best friend. At first thought, it seemed like it would be easier to fall in love with your friend, but maybe that was harder than falling for a stranger.

Just as she placed the plates on the table and poured him a cup of coffee he joined her at the table and showed her a framed picture. "When was this?"

She smiled at the picture of the two of them with Judith who had oatmeal all over her face and down her shirt. "That's the first time we got Judith to eat oatmeal. I had to sweeten it up so I-"

"Mixed in some strawberry jam," he finished.

"Yeah."

"I'm thinking maybe I should go see Denise. Tell her about the memory."

"No specifics, I hope."

"Nah." He chuckled. "After remembering that night, it seems nuts I almost ruined it."

He would always blame himself for what happened but she was just as responsible as Lori. "I should have told you sooner. I mean, I should have told you period. It was stupid going along with that farce."

"Stop beating yourself up. You can't change it so, what did you say? Let's not rehash? Our lives are full of missteps so there's no need to keep a list." He reached over and held her hand. "I'm far from perfect, so the last thing I want to do is keep score."

She nodded with a smile. "What do you want to do today?"

"Listen to you."

"What?" She tossed her hair behind her shoulder.

"You sound different."

"I sound different?"

"Your voice. The way you speak, the way you sound." He grinned. "I like it. You sound girly when it's just the two of us."

She could admit he brought out feelings and actions in her no one else did. She could relax around him and she knew she provided the same comfort for him. They laughed and cried together. Admitted feelings and fears they kept suppressed deep down, sometimes even from themselves. Around him, she wasn't family, a friend or a leader. She was what no one else ever acknowledged — she was a woman. And she felt desired and loved in his presence.

x

"Good book?" He nodded his head toward the book on the coffee table as he sat on the couch after breakfast.

"So far. I waited for you," she said as she picked it up and ran her hand over the cover.

"Waited for me?"

"This is the book we were reading when you got hurt."

"We?"

She smiled. "Yes. See the two bookmarks. M for Michonne and R for Rick."

He took the book from her hand. " _The Dew Breaker_. What's it about?"

"It's about a Haitian immigrant to the United States and the impact he had on people's lives as a prison guard under a brutal regime."

He frowned. "And what was that book that guy brought you? Wasn't it about the end of the world?"

The book Ezekiel gave her. She nodded and smiled at where he was going as she continued to dust.

"Seems to me we need to find books about happier things. Have we raided libraries? I want Judith to be able to read something more lighthearted than this."

"We have. Don't worry. The children's selection has all the appropriate titles to make for nice reading."

She knew for a fact Judith was intrigued not by death and pain, but happiness courtesy of _The Snowy Day_ and _Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?_ being staples in her regular rotation of story time.

She performed her regular Sunday morning cleaning while they listened to music. It was like the soundtrack of her youth when she cleaned house with her mother on Saturdays thanks to the CD collection she found on a run — The Soul of the '70s.

One moment she was bent over cleaning the table as they were talking about the previous night and the next they were reliving it, caught up in a kiss so intense they collapsed on the couch. Cleaning could wait.

"Am I crushing you?" He asked with all his body on top of her.

She answered by lifting her head and capturing his lips. It felt good, physically of course to feel his body against hers, but it also felt good to know kissing her aroused him. She could feel the bulge in his pants.

She pulled back and whispered against his lips. "This reminds me of the morning after our very first kiss."

He looked at her.

"The next day. We sat around talking, kissing, and listening to music."

* * *

 ** _In Alexandria_**

 _She was busy mixing the pancake batter while the music softly played. She was careful not to play it too loud, hoping Rick would get as much sleep as he needed. He admitted he hadn't been sleeping well. It seemed weird. His restless nights made sense outside the walls while they were on the road and even when they first moved into Alexandria, but they had been safe behind the walls with serenity for almost a year. It had been months since the herd and attack. He didn't have to let his guard down, but sleep was possible._

 _"About time."_

 _She looked up to see Andrea grinning at her a_ _s she grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter._

 _"What?" But she couldn't contain her grin._

 _"Wow, that good huh?"_

 _Before she could deny what Andrea was thinking she could hear the creak of the third from the bottom step of the stairs. Rick appeared in his jeans and no shirt, hair wet and dripping, looking like the epitome of temptation. She wanted to do what they refrained from doing the night before._

 _"Waking up without you-" His face reddened when he noticed Andrea. "Oh, sorry."_

 _"Don't mind me. I'm on my way out."_

 _"Why don't you stay for breakfast? The first batch of pancakes will be ready."_

 _"No thanks. Everyone knows the first batch is the worst," she said with a laugh. "Got a training class. Weapons cleaning." She did manage to give eyes to Michonne and bit her fist and fanned herself._

 _"Did she rush off on my account?"_

 _"Well, if she did I don't mind." She gave him a smile and popped a strawberry in her mouth. Before she could finish it Rick pulled her into a kiss._

 _"Hmm, good." He kissed the corner of her mouth._ _"What is that song?"_

 _"Eartha Kitt. C'est si bon."_

 _"You understand what she's saying?" He sat at the counter._

 _"I do."_

 _His eyes widened and frowned in a mixture of shock and awe._

 _"Four years of high school French, three years in college, and a semester abroad in Provence."_

 _"I took a couple of years of Spanish. Just for graduation. Never had any interest in learning a foreign language. Besides, this accent doesn't do foreign languages any justice."_

 _She smiled. "I don't know. I imagine this song would sound like no other with that twang of yours."_

 _There was a knock on the door._

 _"You want me to get that?"_

 _She took one look at him and shook her head. Shirtless, wet Rick was not how she wanted the community to find out about their relationship. "Nah, I got it. Keep an eye on my pancakes." She placed the spatula on the counter._

 _She opened the door to see Lori standing there._

 _"Hi. I went over to Daryl's and he said Rick wasn't there, so..."_

 _Michonne nodded. "Hold on."_

 _"Who is it?" He asked._

 _"For you. Lori."_

 _He rolled his eyes and headed to the door. She contemplated telling him to put on a shirt but he made it to the door before she could open her mouth. She wanted to know what Lori wanted but she didn't want to eavesdrop. She didn't want to be that type. She didn't need to be because she trusted him and he would tell her anyway. It was barely thirty seconds before he closed the door and returned to the kitchen bar stool._

 _"Everything okay?" She heard herself asking more for the look on his face than anything else._

 _"Just her using Judith as an excuse to whatever," he said with a shrug._

 _"What about Judith?"_

 _"She fell but she's fine. Got a cut on the side of her face. Lori will try anything."_

 _"Yeah, but it was about Judith. If she didn't tell you and you saw that cut on her face you'd be upset about that."_

 _"Maybe."_

 _"You're being like you were back at the prison. Don't be that way." In this moment it wasn't about standing up for Lori. She didn't want the tension. This was the start of the rest of their lives. It was time to smile more than cry and fight. Besides, the world gave them enough reasons to be upset and on edge, no need to let manufactured drama stifle their happiness._

 _He held his head down. "I guess I treated her bad sometimes."_

 _Michonne grunted as she placed the first three pancakes on a plate and topped them with some strawberry preserves and a few fresh sliced strawberries before placing it before Rick._

 _"You agree?"  
_

 _She looked up at him. "I do. Eat."_

 _He frowned._

 _She cocked her head to the side and stretched her eyes. "The truth isn't always easy but I tell it. You know that and you ask anyway. So I have to believe you want the truth."_

 _He had that pensive look on his face._

 _"What? I was there. You could be real cold. I never liked that about you."_

 _"She brought out the worst in me."_

 _"It scares me. What if I mess up? Is that the treatment I'll get?"_

 _He stared at her for a moment. "You bring out the best in me. Don't you know that? Besides, y_ _ou'd never do what she did."_

 _"What? Hurt you? No one plans on hurting the one they love. You of all people know that. I'm sure even you can admit she never planned to sleep with your best friend. Don't act like your marriage meant nothing and it was always bad. Bon appétit."_

 _"How c_ _ould I ever be mad at someone who can speak French to me?"_

 _She looked at him. She wouldn't allow him to skirt the issue._

 _"Marriage doesn't change people; it just unmasks them. It strips away all the fascination, the novelty, the newness and you're left with who you really are not what you want to be, or even what you want them to be._ _I feel like this world allowed me to see that what she and I were wasn't what I thought. It was like two different existences. I was living, believing in, wanting one thing and she another._ _"_

 _"What is it you believe in and want?"_

 _He offered her a bite of his pancakes. She leaned forward and took it. Her eyes closed briefly as the taste of warm pancakes and sweet strawberries hit her tongue._

 _"Now? Just someone who can accept that I'm a monster."_

 _"Rick," she sighed. She always cautioned him against going to the deepest parts of his mind in order to think the worst of himself. Those stygian thoughts were dangerous. The more you went there, the harder it was to come back. She recalled her own dark days. It felt like battling a rip current; the more she fought it the more exhausted she became until she gave into it and let it pull her down. Sometimes she literally couldn't breathe. Hyperventilating from fear and trauma._

 _"No, I am. I've made peace with that because it's what needs to be done to keep my family alive and also because of you."_

 _"Me?"_

 _"No matter what you've seen me do you never shied away from me. You were ever afraid of me and, more than anything, you never looked at me like you didn't know who I was."_

 _"I've seen the best of you and protecting that can cause us to make choices we wouldn't ordinarily make."_

 _"Those guys back at Gabriel's church."_

 _"I was right there with you doing the same. I'll take another bite of those pancakes please."_

 _They shared his stack of pancakes while she cooked the second batch. Then they shared the second stack._

 _Michonne was stretched out on the couch, her thighs across Rick's lap. His hands ran up and down her leg creating anticipation and bad thoughts. They were deep in a game of 1,001 questions. It was fun. The small things they didn't know about each other were the nicest to discover. Favorite colors. Blue for him, purple for her. The one food from the old world they wish they could have. He wanted some chicken parm. She could eat mac and cheese. The questions went on and on. Birthdays. Favorite TV shows. Music. Movies._

 _"What's your last name?"_

 _She smiled._

 _He raised an eyebrow. "That bad?"_

 _"On the contrary. Smith."_

 _"Excuse me? Smith?" He began to laugh._

 _She took him in at that moment. His head fell back in a fit of laughter. It was genuine. She could tell the laugh was from deep down in his belly. He always sounded like an old man when he had a good laugh._

 _"My mom said Smith is so boring so she named me something with a little flair."_

 _"How did she come up with Michonne?"_

 _"It was her last name. Spelled a bit different though."_

 _"Cat or dog?" He asked._

 _"Cats."_

 _"Why?"_

 _"Cats keep to themselves and don't concern themselves with others. I like that. Admirable."_

 _He cocked his head to side. His eyes got a bit wider. "Oh, you think that's you, huh?" He grabbed her hand and played with her fingers._

 _She laughed. "You don't?"_

 _"Your nose was always in my business."_

 _"I suppose so but my intentions were pure."_

 _"I know that. I never thanked you for being a friend. Wanting what you thought was best for me."_

 _"What's your favorite place in the entire world?" He asked._

 _"In the entire world?"_

 _"Paris?"_

 _"No. If it weren't for the rain, I probably would have lived in Seattle. It's beautiful. A friend moved there after college and her house was on a lake. That's a view you can't beat. What about you?"_

 _"Well, I went on a fishing trip to Maine once. That was nice. I felt like I was in one of those small towns in the movies, like Jaws or something. But it was majestic-like. I've never felt so small, so insignificant in a good way than when I was out there on that ocean. It commands so much respect."_

 _If he weren't a deputy, she could see him being a fisherman. Anything that meant not being trapped inside all day._

 _"What are two of your bucket list items that can still happen?" He asked._

 _Their fingers intertwined and she stared at them. It felt good to be with him but it felt even better to finally be able to touch him with no limits._

 _"Wow, that's a good one." She never thought of the things that were still like the past other than making sure they had food and stayed alive. Previous life's norms and adventures didn't seem appropriate to think about in this world. "Curate my own art show," she said. "Have more kids." She never admitted she wanted to have kids, not even to herself. But what she had with Rick and what she knew it would grow to become made her confident a family could be possible in the future._ _"What about you? Same question."_

 _"Go to an art show and have more kids."_

 _She smiled at him. Thankful that, even if he wasn't sure, he allowed her to have that dream in this moment. But it wasn't a conversation they were ready to have just yet so she didn't want either of them to dwell on it and switched the conversation to something fun._ _"Ginger or Mary Ann?" She asked the age old question._

 _He smiled. "I'd love to be able to say Mary Ann. There's something about a guy that likes Mary Ann, you know?" He looked over at her, the beginning of a smile threatening to appear. "Makes you feel good about yourself. Like saying personality is the most important quality in a woman and believing it."_

 _"But?"_

 _"Ginger all the way."_

 _They laughed._

 _"What was your favorite subject in school?" She asked._

 _"So you were a nerd?" He smiled._

 _"A very proud one."_

 _"Gym._ _I was a wide receiver on the football team. Played a little basketball."_

 _"A jock?"_

 _"No. Average at best but I hung out with the real jocks. Hey, am I keeping you from something today?"_

 _"I have the day off."_

 _"Coincidence, so do I."_

 _They didn't man the pantry or work on the construction crew but they pulled watch from time to time and were basically available day and night, whatever the problem. They pulled their weight. Everyone knew that so neither of them felt bad about lounging on the couch on one particular morning. Besides, this wasn't like the old days of going to work each day. As long as there were provisions and protection and no one died then the day was a success._

 _"Want to watch a movie?"_

 _"Sure." She went over to the DVDs she checked out of the community library the day before. "Arlington Road, Three Kings, The 40-Year-Old Virgin-"_

 _"Yeah, let's laugh."_

 _She put the movie in the DVD player and settled on the couch, this time opting to sit next to him, her head on his shoulder so she had access to touch him too. He put on a shirt after breakfast, a couple of buttons at the top undone exposing his chest. She slid her hand under his shirt running it up and down his chest, loving the feel of his hair beneath her hand._

 _They barely made it past the piracy warning before their focus was on each other. It didn't take long before a rush of excitement and vulnerability, because she felt helpless to his touch, took over her body as it did the night before at the gazebo. She landed on her back as he hovered over her, looking down at her. Her heart raced as she saw the look of appreciation on his face as he took her in. She held her breath waiting for him to say something but he didn't. He smiled then descended into another breath-taking kiss as he positioned her body beneath his so he could settle perfectly between her legs._


	22. Chapter 21: We Feel Good Together

Thanks for all the comments. You guys make my day. Sorry for the delay. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

 **Chapter 21: We Feel Good Together  
Sunday  
Rick**

In between intense kissing sessions they spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon watching movies. First it was _The 40-Year-Old-Virgin_ then Michonne chose _L.A. Confidential_ and the final movie was Rick's choice, _The Hustler_. As the credits rolled, he grabbed the remote.

"Want to watch another?" He asked.

She groaned. "No, I need a break." She untangled herself from him and stood up. "My eyes are about to fall out of my head."

He watched as she stretched and a little squeal escaped her mouth as she did. When she lifted her arms above her head the hem of her tank top showed the tiniest bit of her stomach. It took him back to just a couple of hours ago to their make-out session on the couch where he became acquainted with parts of her body, including her stomach, which he discovered made her laugh when he kissed it.

Spending the day together and enjoying each other took him back to those prison days when things were slower. Those days of serenity after they took care of The Governor, built up their garden, built showers, and established a life of routine and new age comfort. They were able to appreciate how far they had come and dreamed of what more they could do to make a life worth living. His ability to allow himself to be still long enough to breathe, and reflect was because of her. Being happy doing nothing and doing that with _her_ made the world feel normal back then, even before he fell in love with her. And it felt just as good now.

"Want to go for a walk? Get some sun?" He asked.

Being with her was great. He needed this time alone with her so they could get to know each again like before without feeling like they were center stage. But he also felt stifled hiding in her place away from the prying eyes.

"I just got you back," she said. "I don't want to share you just yet." She looked down and back up at him. "If that's okay with you."

He nodded. "Yeah." He smiled. "Yeah, that's okay."

There was a knock on the door and they looked at each other.

"You jinxed us," he said.

"I got it." She looked out the window and then smiled at him. "We're safe." She opened the door and stepped aside barely dodging Carl and Judith as they barreled through the door.

Carl stopped when he saw Rick, shirt barely buttoned. "Bad time?" Carl asked.

"Perfect time," Rick said as he watched Judith run full speed toward him as he buttoned his shirt. "What's up?" He held Judith in his arms and walked over to Carl, placing his hand on his son's shoulder.

"Nothing," he said with a shrug. "Just came to visit Michonne. On Sunday afternoons when we're not busy we usually play golf."

Rick frowned but couldn't help but laugh. "Don't tell me there's a golf course?" This place was getting more and more surreal.

"The guys created something of a miniature golf course with traps and all," Michonne said as she nodded. "It's not Augusta National, but..."

"But it's fun," Carl said. "So far there's just five holes. They're working on more holes."

Rick pulled Judith's fingers out of his mouth. "I don't remember seeing a golf course."

"It's outside the town,"Michonne said.

"But it's safe," Carl added.

They were a vocal tag team. Finishing each other's sentences and laying to rest concerns he had before he ever voiced them.

"Well, don't let me stop you guys or," he said then paused, "maybe I can tag along."

They looked at each other and suddenly he felt like a third wheel. "Or maybe not," he mumbled.

"I was thinking maybe all of us can hang out here," Carl said as he went over and sat on the couch.

"Sounds like a plan," Michonne said. "I can make something to eat."

"I could eat," Carl said.

"Ratatoo," Judith said as she clapped her hands together.

"What, sweetheart?" Rick asked. "You want ravioli?"

" _Ratatouille_ , the movie," Carl said. "She loves it."

"A movie," Rick mumbled as he looked over at Michonne. "Great."

She smiled and gave a charming shrug.

Meanwhile, Judith was wiggling to be free and he placed her on the floor. She ran over to the DVDs and grabbed it then ran back over and handed it to Carl. He was amazed at her development.

Halfway through the movie, their early dinner of tomato and mushroom omelets was no longer satisfying their stomachs. Rick stood at the kitchen counter and poured melted caramel over the popcorn. Michonne was on the with the kids; Judith was in her lap. It was obvious she changed his life for the better and he knew his friendship helped her change. But it was her tireless devotion to Carl and Judith that touched his heart. They were another woman's kids. A woman who was still alive and causing her grief. Her ability to compartmentalize was second to none. It was beyond admirable that she never let her awkward relationship with Lori get in the way of what was most important.

"I saw Maggie on the way over here. She wanted to come visit."

"Why didn't she?" Michonne asked as she continued to run her hand through Judith's hair as they watched the movie.

Carl cut his eyes at Rick, who shrugged, before he looked back over at Michonne. "Would that be okay?"

Rick joined them on the couch. He could tell she was grappling for something to say. Should she tell the truth or let Carl think everything was okay? Because he knew everything wasn't okay. She was more measured in her words than Rick, but she was upset as well. Maybe he was angry and she was hurt, but one thing was for sure, they were both confused by their friends' silence.

"Sure."

"Seriously?"

She turned and looked at him. "What's on your mind?"

"I mean, they didn't say anything. Aren't you mad? Will you forgive them?"

"What good would it do to hold a grudge?" She shrugged. "Besides, I figure guilt will take care of itself. Why do you think I have today off?"

He frowned.

"Daryl took my guard shift and Aaron is covering for me in tomorrow's staff meeting." She winked at him. "Sometimes you get more by saying less."

Carl frowned. "So, you're _not_ mad?"

"I am but more than anything I'm disappointed. But I'm not willing to dwell." She placed her arm on the back of the couch and placed her hand on Rick's shoulder. "I don't believe in wasting time that can be used for the things that really matter in our lives."

"I agree," Rick said. "So let's get back to the movie."

He accepted her smile of gratitude.

"One day she's going to see the end of this movie," Carl said.

Judith was asleep, her head back against Michonne's chest.

"We're going to head home," Carl said as he reached for Judith.

"She's already asleep. Why don't you crash here," Michonne said as she held her a little tighter.

"Nah. That's okay. Besides, she doesn't have Stanley and if she wakes up and doesn't have him you know how that goes."

Michonne caught Rick's eye. "Stanley the bear, who happens to be lonely, according to Judith, so she told me to find a baby brother for him while I was gone. No luck. Thank goodness for short memories." She smiled at him. "Sorry."

He rolled his eyes and laughed.

Rick walked Carl to the door as he carried Judith.

"I'm glad you came over," Rick said as he placed his hand on the back of Carl's neck.

"Me too. See you later, dad."

Rick pulled his kids into a semi-hug and kissed the top of Judith's head. "See you. I love you."

"Love you too." He looked past Rick. "Bye, Michonne."

Michonne. "Good night."

Rick stood outside the door and watched them walk down the street until they walked up the steps to their house. Once the door opened and closed behind them he finally went back inside.

"How about some wine?" Michonne asked from the kitchen.

"Wine with caramel popcorn. Sounds like dinner for a girls' movie night but I'm game."

She smiled as she grabbed a couple of glasses in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. "I was thinking music instead of movies."

"Now that sounds like a nice way to end a day."

It had been a long day of falling in love with her all over again. Hopefully it would continue in his dreams like the previous night.

* * *

 ** _Her bedroom_**

 _"This was our first official day together," Michonne said as she moved around the bedroom lighting candles that probably were best saved for an emergency. "It was a nice one."_

 _They spent the day talking and laughing then spent the evening getting to know each other in more intimate ways. It felt like a whole new life for him, falling in love with someone new. It had been a long time since he had that feeling of giddiness. It was accompanied by another feeling, that of lust._

 _They had a couple of glasses of wine downstairs and brought the bottle upstairs with them._ _He gulped his final glass and placed it on the nightstand with his eyes focused on her._

 _She was in pajamas. A matching set, white with beige polka dots._ _The shorts had a drawstring tied in a bow._ _It looked silk or satin, n_ _ot that he knew the difference. What he knew for sure was she looked amazing and he wanted to see what was underneath. He had dreamed about what was underneath. Jerked off to his imagination of what was underneath. Now the time had come for the real thing._

 _She turned and faced him for what seemed like hours instead of seconds and it was obvious where this was headed. He was more than okay with being the one to get them started since she seemed slightly hesitant as she stood across the room and made no effort to close the gap between them._

 _"Take off your shirt."_

 _Her eyes bounced back and forth from her shirt to him as she unbuttoned her top._

 _He watched her and became excited as more of her skin became visible. Her breasts were round and full. He had felt them, held them in his hands, squeezed them but hadn't yet seen them. They looked as good as they felt. He leaned forward then licked his lips in anticipation of tasting them._

 _"Take off the rest."_

 _She moved too quickly._

 _"No. Slow. while_

 _She looked up at him and licked her lips. "Rick."_

 _"Do it."_

 _She gave him a slight nod then shimmied, slowly, out of her shorts while bending at the waist. She tossed them on the same chair she tossed the shirt then stood in place and stared at him, giving him a show he never wanted to forget. He was determined to remember it all. Because w_ _hat he saw,_ _he wasn't prepared for — lean and curvy in all the right places. Sure, those tight pants and tank tops showed a sexy figure but there was nothing like seeing her naked flesh._

 _"Come here."_

 _She walked over and stood before. He nodded toward the bed and she lay on her back. Long ago they perfected the art of silent communication. It was nice to know that extended to the bedroom. H_ _e stared at her with nothing but the promise of bad things. "Fuck, I don't know what I want to do to you first."_

 _"Do something," she said. The urgency not unnoticed despite her hushed tone._

 _He stepped out of his pajama pants and watched her eyes fall down and take in the sight of his naked body. He looked down to where she was focused. He was more than ready for her. He grabbed his dick and stroked it as she watched him. Foreplay wasn't a necessity, it was going to be all pleasure. She rubbed her legs together._

 _He joined her on the bed. She jumped at the feel of his hand on her leg._ _The candles were strategically placed around the room emitting enough light so they could still look into each other's eyes but the room still managed to have a haunting, sexy effect._

 _He leaned in and kissed her; his tongue explored her mouth at a slow torturous pace. The taste of her made him deepen the kiss until it became so intense they had to break it off to catch their breath. As she gasped for air he moved down her jaw and to her neck. The lower he moved, the more she squirmed beneath him. She was intoxicating, from the taste of her skin to the way she reacted to him. He gave attention to her breasts, held them in his hands and alternated from one to the other kissing and licking. Her nipples were erect and he focused on them, moaning_ _at the taste of them in his mouth._ _His tongue swirled around her nipples and she sighed, when he bit them she groaned, but she especially liked when he sucked them._

 _He kissed every inch of her stomach, stopping to take a few bites of her smooth flesh and was greeted with laughter._ _He pushed her leg up, kissing on the inside of her knee and then down her thigh until he could smell her arousal and feel the heat between her legs. She gripped the sheets and he hadn't done anything yet. She spread her_ _legs apart giving him better access. He slid a finger inside of her then rubbed her wetness against her clit. She let out a loud breath. She was more than ready. He liked that. He could see the muscles in her thighs and stomach contract. Just as she seemed to melt at the way he massaged her clit he gave her pussy and gentle slap._

 _"Oh," she moaned. "What-"_

 _Before she could finished he began to lick her clit. Slowly, up and down, around then he gently sucked it. He alternated between fast and slow so just as she was ready to go over the edge he brought her back down. Her ragged breath the only sound in the air._ _His mouth focused on her clit as he slid two fingers inside of her. She grabbed the back of his head and her hips began to rotate, fucking his face. He could barely breathe and figured there would be no better way to die than face down between her thighs eating her out._

 _She lifted her butt off the bed while writhing from side to side. "Please," she moaned._

 _He wasn't quite sure she was talking to him but he continued. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't stop. He couldn't get enough of her. W_ _hen her body stiffened and her panting morphed into one long groan he knew he gave her what she needed._

 _He turned her over and he was greeted with a perfect view of her ass. "On your knees."_

 _She was slow to move and he gave her ass a swift and firm slap; much harder than the previous one. When she turned her head to look at him he simply smiled. The shock on her face amused him so much he was determined to keep her uncertain of his next move. H_ _e placed his hand on her hip with one hand, grabbed his dick with the other and rubbed it against her slick walls to the sound of her whimpering before sliding inside of her._

 _She was so wet. So warm. So tight. So perfect. She was everything he needed at that moment._ _He let out a strangled groan and his head dropped slightly. This was the feeling he had been waiting for. He wanted to go fast but he wanted it to last. He probably wasn't going to make it but he had all night, and more importantly the rest of his life, to make love to her and fuck her and everything in between. He pulled her cheeks apart and,_ _thanks to the candlelight,_ _watched himself enter her and pull out, his dick glistening with her juices._

 _His mind zoned and he didn't realize how forceful he had become until he felt her hand on his hip._

 _"Oh my god. Fuck," she screamed._

 _He swatted her hand away. "You can take it."_

 _He continued to pound her, becoming more turned on, more intense and greedy because of the sound of their bodies slapping together and the sound of her grunts._ _He heard a guttural, almost animal-like sound and it took a moment to realize it came from him._

 _Her legs gave out and she collapsed face first and he flipped her over on her back._ _All he knew was he wanted to see her face when he came. He entered her and the look on her face was one he hoped he always saw when she felt him inside of her. His mouth was inches from hers._ _She looped her arm around his and gripped his shoulder. Her other hand was on his hip. Neither spoke. It was simply their loud breathing and the sound of their wet skin._

 _He stroked her over and over, capturing her lips in an intense kiss until she turned her head to the side._

 _"Why?" She panted._

 _"Why what?" He whispered._

 _She squealed and her body went stiff. "How?"_

 _"Talk to me."_

 _"How is it so good?" She panted._

 _He smiled. Wanting to give her the ride of her life._ _He hooked her leg and held it up midway in the air, continuing to examine her reaction. She looked like she was enjoying herself with one eye closed and the other rolled to the back of her head and he loved what he saw. She put her hand over his mouth which he found amusing since she was the one making the most noise._

 _"Oh god, oh god," she moaned over and over quickly. She sounded like a record stuck on a loop._

 _"That's it. Don't hold back," he whispered in her ear before kissing her neck, applying just enough pressure to help take her over the top. Moments after her body was taken over by tiny convulsions, he released inside of her._

 _They were both on their sides staring at each other and gasping for air. He was drained. His body completely limp and useless. She somehow managed to climb out of bed and make her way to the bathroom, though he had to smile as he noticed a slight stumble as one of her legs seemed to give out a little. He heard the water from the faucet then she reappeared and cleaned him with a warm washcloth. Had it been him, he would have placed it on the nightstand, maybe even tossed it on the floor. But not her, she was one of those everything in it's place at all times types so she took it back to the bathroom._

 _When she rejoined him she lay her head on his chest and ran her hand over his stomach. His mind thought about what just happened. When it came to first times, he imagined that was about as perfect as it gets. No awkward and embarrassing moments. He couldn't wait to know everything about her when it came to sex. To know her body. He wanted to find out for himself the signals and signs of her pleasure. To be able to tell her pending release, when she was feeling great. He wanted to know what every sigh, moan, groan, grunt, and look meant. What she liked, what she loved, how she wanted it and how long._

 _"I didn't think you were so aggressive."_

 _"Did I hurt you?"_

 _"No."_

 _"Did it make you uncomfortable?"  
_

 _"No."_

 _"Something you didn't like?"_

 _She looked up and smiled at their quick question and answer banter. "Nothing like that. It was great."_

 _"Well, what seemed to surprise you?"_

 _"I thought you were more, I don't know, passive and..."_

 _He pulled back so he could look at her. "What made you think that?"_

 _She shook her head._ _"I don't know. It sounds stupid now that I say it."_

 _"You don't need passive. Your days are spent being an aggressor, being in charge, making decisions. Figured you would like for me to take control and since I'm used to being in control..."_

 _"Works out," she said as she ran her hand up and down his chest. "I liked it."_

 _"I knew you would."_

 _"How?"_

 _"When we kissed yesterday you said something about not complaining about being rough."_

 _She leaned into him. "Yeah."_

 _He was hot and they were sweaty but he didn't mind the body contact. He'd spent months wishing he could hold her like this he wasn't going to let a little sweat and heat get in the way. "I can give you whatever you need. Aggressive, passive. Just tell me."_

 _"I can do that."_

 _"So you're not shy about sex?"_

 _"No. I love sex. It's just been a while and I suppressed those urges. More important things to worry about."_

 _Made sense. He did the same. In fact, after the farm fell he lost the urge. Of course, that had everything to do with not wanting to speak to his wife let alone have sex with her. And it was hard to feel desire when hunger and fear were the prevalent feelings._

 _"So, I won't hear 'sorry, not tonight. I have a headache' stuff?"_

 _She laughed. He loved the sound of her laugh. It was real. It was deserved. Like everything about her, she didn't give it away._

 _"No, not unless I have a migraine."_

 _"Fair enough. I've seen you when you have one. What do you like? Sexually?"_

 _"I like pretty much everything. Except anal." She looked up at him and in his eyes._

 _"Not a deal breaker for me. Don't worry. What else?"_

 _"I think 69 is overrated."_

 _"Really?"_

 _"Sure. You take two things that are great and enjoyable and make them mediocre because of multitasking."_

 _"What?" He laughed._

 _"Because you're not focusing. Think about, your best blowjob was not while you were between her legs. It was when she was focused on you and only you and you were lying back not thinking about a thing."_

 _"True."_

 _She slid down his body pushing the sheet down with her. He held his breath, knowing what was about to happen. "Are you about to prove your point?"_

 _"Yep."_

 _x_

 _He woke up the next morning and looked toward the window. It wasn't bright but the sun was making an appearance. He was still a bit lethargic and he felt the beginning of what was sure to be sore muscles. But all was okay because they had last night, they were finally together, and she was secure in his arms. He kissed her shoulder repeatedly, pecking firmer and firmer until she stirred, hoping his affection offset the fact he woke her up._

 _"Hmm, I thought it was a dream but you're really here." She turned around in his arms with a smile on her face._

 _"Not a dream. It's real."_

 _She covered his eyes. "_ _It feels so strange, to be in love again."_

 _"What are you doing?" He laughed._

 _"It's easier to say that when you're not looking."_

 _He removed her hand from over his eyes. "You don't have to feel shy about telling me how you feel." He would show her._ _"You're the love of my life."_

 _"Rick," she groaned burying her face into his neck._

 _"It's true." He grabbed her head gently and made her look at him. "If I had a choice, if the only way I could meet you was for the world to fall apart, I'd pick you."_

 _Her hand went to his head and she ran her hand through his hair without looking. He grabbed her hand and kissed her inner wrist._

 _"There is so much about you I love and I didn't even know I needed or wanted. Maybe because I didn't know it was a possibility." He took a deep breath and continued while tracing his finger in a wandering trail over her chest until he found her nipple. "_ _I'm not sure I ever believed in true love. I've always believed you could have a good relationship where both people benefit without it being an epic love story of soul mates. I always believed you could have that with a few people, maybe even many. And yet, I still can't help but think that once in a lifetime love is what we have."_

 _Her nipple began to respond, coming to life as he ran his middle finger over it in a circle over and over._

 _"Want to have some fun?"  
_

 _"How?"_

 _"Just relax."_

 _She rolled on her back and closed her eyes._ _"I didn't know you were some sexual savant."_

 _"Relax and let me remind you in case you forgot about last night."_

 _"I'll never forget last night," she whispered._

 _"Shh. Focus on how bad you want to come."_

 _She closed her eyes. He watched the rise and fall of her chest. He lowered his head and gave her nipple a few licks before continuing to run his finger gently over her nipple in a circle. It wouldn't take a lot of time for someone so responsive as Michonne if she was truly relaxed._

 _"Oh my god."_ _Her body began to react as her breathing went from steady and relaxed to labored._ _Her body became stiff until suddenly it wasn't and she began to shake._

 _She opened her eyes and looked over at him. "That's never happened before. By just touching my nipple."_

 _"It's the relaxing part that's most important."_

 _She frowned and shook her head at him. "I have so many questions."_

 _"I can show you better than tell you," he said and rolled on top of her._

 _She giggled. "We can't stay in bed all day."_

 _"The sun is barely up." He looked toward the window and somehow it was already brighter than it was when he first looked._

 _"The world doesn't stop because you got laid," she ran her hand through his hair. "We all have our jobs to do and I need to meet with Deanna."_

 _"We'll just tell them we're sick."_

 _"And have to deal with Denise?"_

 _He groaned. "Yeah, you're right." He rolled off of her. "Go."_

 _She smiled and looked back at him. "I'll see you later."_

 _"Count on it." He watched her walk across the room, naked and brazen._


	23. Chapter 22: Heaven and Scorched Earth

_**Well, who knew out of 100,000+ words, that four little words could have such an impact? Thanks again for all the support.**_

* * *

 **Chapter 22: Heaven and Scorched Earth**  
 **Michonne  
Monday**

Michonne's hands gripped the sheets as she held on for dear life. It felt like she was spiraling out of control. She felt dizzy. Her vision was blurred. She was sticky. Her body was in ecstasy as Rick sexed her into submission, his face buried in her neck as he stroked her over and over. It was slow and steady but intense as he hit the right spot. She wrapped her legs around him wanting him as close as possible.

This was how her day started as the sun barely pierced the sky. She woke up to him wanting sex; whispering in her ear and pushing his dick against her ass. The talks and time together since they reunited were everything and she loved every intimate moment. But she couldn't deny she needed to feel this with him, be with him in this way. For her, it was just as important because what they shared sexually was an extension of who they were as a couple.

They were great together from their communication to their teamwork to the way they held each other accountable in ways only they could. But the sex? The sex was something they both cherished. It was understanding and devotion on another level. Sometimes she didn't know how to explain to him just how much he meant to her but when they made love it felt like he truly understood. She could see it in his eyes whenever he was inside of her.

She ran her hands through his hair. He lifted one of her legs and she could feel him entering her deeper.

"I love you," she moaned. "Don't ever stop."

The slow creak of the mattress, her panting, the slick sounds of her wetness, and his slight grunts each time he entered her was a perfect melody. Slow, sleepy sex in the morning was almost a ritual.

The previous night was filled with sexual tension that made her nervous and confident that sex would happen sooner rather than later. The night before was simple and magical. After spending time with the kids they relaxed with wine. The kissing and his jokes as he inquired about the more intimate aspects of their relationship put her to sleep with dreams of sex.

She worried with this being their first time since his amnesia.

"I want to be on top," she whispered in his ear.

She wasn't sure he heard her because he continued in the same position. His chest against hers, his hip moving up and down as he stroked her.

"This feels so good," he moaned. "I don't want to stop."

She couldn't disagree but she knew what she wanted. "I know something that will feel just as good. Get on your back."

She knew he loved when she rode him but he couldn't resist a few more strokes before complying. She took a moment to appreciate the body before her. Long and lean, strong, savage even, but able to touch her with gentleness. She mounted him and took his dick in her hand and held it as she slid down.

His hands ran up her thighs and up to her breasts and squeezed causing her to throw her head back.

She pinned his hands above his head against the bed and rode him. She lifted her ass up and down, sliding the length of his dick, grimacing when she took him all. She rotated on him, clockwise and then counter clockwise.

"Fuck," he groaned as he gripped her hips and halted her movement.

"That's what I'm trying to do."

She leaned down, taunting him with her breasts in his face. He lifted his head and stuck out his tongue, desperate for whatever taste he could get as they bounced above his face. Finally he pulled her down closer and sucked on one of her breasts. She was trapped against him with his arms wrapped around her back. All she could move were her hips as they moved up and down on his dick.

"Fuck that's good."

She let out a steady moan. The faster she fucked him the better it felt and because it felt so good she fucked him even faster. It was a cycle of pleasure and torture because she loved every second but still couldn't seem to get enough of him.

He attempted to say something but she couldn't understand him, his mouth was still full of her breast and his face was pressed against her chest. He gripped her hips and held her up just a bit and he took over the work, lifting his hips off the bed and fucking her as he held her in place. Her eyes crossed and she could feel that familiar sensation in her belly as her body convulsed in orgasm. Her body went limp yet Rick continued until soon she felt him jerk beneath her as he held a firm grip on her hair as he held her tight against him.

"What brought that on?" She collapsed on the bed next to him, lying on her back.

They were both gasping for air.

"Do I need a reason?"

"Never. I just thought you wanted to wait until you remembered." She rolled on her side and looked at him.

He smiled. "I remember enough to know I wanted you." He placed his hand on her hip.

"Another dream?" She pushed his sweat-drenched hair off his forehead.

He nodded with a grin.

She laughed. "Seems like quite the dream. What if it didn't happen the way you dreamed?"

"Did we enjoy ourselves that first time?"

"I'll say," she said with a smile.

"We did in the dream, too. Good enough for me."

He didn't forget the sex. He didn't forget what she liked and how she liked it. It was like they never missed a beat.

"Why do we work so well?" He asked.

Usually she was the one guilty of overthinking. "Brutal honesty, love, and respect. That's how we work."

"Sounds simple but it's not." He seemed to have drifted to another place in his mind.

"I agree."

She rolled on her back and he rolled on his stomach and his large hand was flat against her stomach before making its way to her breast and giving it a few squeezes before cupping it.

When she made her way downstairs Rick was in the kitchen. Hair wet from their shower, in a blue and white flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up just below his elbows and a pair of dark blue jeans. She took a moment, to take him in. She would love freely, without hesitation, without precaution. No longer would she almost lose what mattered most.

He looked up and smiled when he saw her. "Hope you don't mind eggs again."

"Not at all." She sat down to a plate of his special scrambled eggs. The recipe was top secret. He refused to tell her how he made them so fluffy and also spicy without changing the color. No one was even allowed in the kitchen when he cooked them. She took a bite. He watched her expectantly.

"Perfect as always. I'm glad you remembered how to make these."

"I've been making those for about fifteen years. I'll never forget how to make these."

"Aaron is covering for me at the meeting but we're going to have to interact with people sooner or later," she said. "Plans?"

"I was thinking of packing my things that are at Daryl's. That is, if I'm welcomed back?" He took a sip of his coffee. His eyes diverted from the coffee cup to her.

"Of course." She didn't bother to try and hide the massive smile spreading across her face. This was his home and she was happy it felt like it to him. She was happy they were moving forward.

"Thanks for giving me another chance." He reached over and took her hand. "You were brave to do so after everything."

"It was brave of you to trust that we were what I told you we were. We're both brave. Brave to love again."

X

While Rick was packing his things at Daryl's, Michonne grabbed a reusable grocery bag and headed to the pantry. She usually picked up their rations on Sundays but she and Rick were too consumed with each other to bother yesterday. As she walked down the sidewalk she momentarily hesitated when she saw Lori headed her way. She contemplated going to the other side of the street but decided if anyone should be uncomfortable with a face-to-face meeting it should be Lori.

As they were about to pass, Lori stopped and spoke. "Hello, Michonne."

"Lori," she said as she kept walking.

"Michonne, please."

Michonne stopped, the sound of desperation throwing her for a loop. She stood but refused to turn around. Instead, Lori walked back and stood before her.

"Carl said he and Judith were with you and Rick last night."

Michonne nodded. "Do you not believe him?"

"I do. He loves being around you. Almost the moment he saw you. He was always around you back at the prison...and after. I was so jealous. Constantly talking to you when he wouldn't say a word to me. And when he did finally start talking to me, it was Michonne this and Michonne that. The only other people he talked about like that were Rick and...an old family friend." She took a deep breath. "Anyway, I thought that's how a boy is supposed to talk about his father not his mom. So when he put you up on that pedestal..."

Lori looked around and exhaled a ragged breath that betrayed the pain she was trying to hide even in the moment of raw honesty. A woman like Lori couldn't appreciate a kid's desire for a relationship with a woman other than his mother.

"I was just thinking that maybe since he respects you so much you could talk to Carl so he'll stop hating me," she said as she shook her head and shrugged. "He'll listen to you."

"I can't do that."

"Why not?" Her eyes bugged out. "The other day Carl told me you weren't angry."

"Carl is mistaken."

"What?"

"It's not his fault. I spent so much time telling him not to shut you out of _his_ life that it may have given him the impression I wasn't angry but I am. You knew Rick and I were together and in love and you didn't care. You thought about no one but yourself. You didn't even care about the kids and the effect it would have on them."

"I thought you always had Carl's best interest. You think it's good for him to hate his mother?"

"Lori." She sighed and rolled her eyes.

"I knew you were turning him against me. Back at the prison Rick told me I was crazy for thinking it."

"You are crazy for thinking it. I wouldn't get in a kid's ear and encourage him to turn against his mother but I do understand why he feels how he feels and he's allowed to feel that way for as long as he wants. You've done enough to cause this on your own so don't confuse me with what you're willing to do. We're two totally different people."

"Well if you're nice to me maybe he'll come around. I'm not saying we have to be best friends."

"You want me to pretend? I don't think I'm that good of an actress. All I can do is be civil. I'm not even sure I can even forgive you for what you did. And I'm not going to manipulate Carl for your benefit."

"So I have to be punished? Is that it? Do I need to be kicked out of the community? Lose custody of my kids? What is the appropriate way for me to apologize and to be forgiven?'

"I'm not worried about punishing you. And the appropriate way to apologize is to do so sincerely and not expect anything in return, not even forgiveness, and then back off."

She was about to speak when a couple of men walked towards them. They both stepped to one side of the sidewalk and the four of them exchanged smiles as the men passed. Michonne could see the intrigued look on their faces and her assumptions was confirmed when they both looked back. They had to get another glimpse of the women in the Rick Grimes love triangle. She could only imagine what was said about them and the entire messy situation.

She never hated Lori. She always thought she was like everyone else, doing the best she could in a shit situation. She loved her kids and made mistakes in her marriage. To Michonne, that made Lori normal. But she remembered something her grandmother always told her - that normal was mediocre and never did that make more sense than in this new world where normal, average, status quo just wasn't good enough.

"Rick is a good man. Always has been. I waited too long to make sure he knew I believed that."

"He didn't think you did."

Lori frowned.

In spite of herself, Michonne continued. "Back at the prison I got to know him so well because we talked a lot about you guys. I tried to convince him it was best to give his marriage another chance. Hearing and seeing how much he was hurt by your affair and his guilt for not wanting to fix his marriage made me love him."

She saw the look on Lori's face.

"Not the love you're thinking. Not back then. I got to see him. All of him in his most vulnerable and real."

"When did you know you'd fallen in love with him?" She groaned and looked down at her boots while shaking her head. "I'm not sure I can take that but I still want to know."

"Why?"

"Maybe that's punishment." She gave a wry smile.

"Nothing ever happened at the prison. Not even close. That's all I will say."

Her relationship with Rick, her love for him, his love for her was theirs alone to share and she wouldn't include Lori. Of all people, definitely not Lori. In fact, she didn't talk about their relationship with anyone and didn't feel she needed anyone to be a sound board because like she told him that morning, they had brutal honesty. But they were also delicate with each other when needed. The privacy they shrouded their relationship in made what they had even more special.

"He loves you. Maybe even more than he ever loved me."

"Lori." Michonne exhaled deeply and shook her head. "If you believe that, after everything the two of you have been through, why did you want him back? Why do that to yourself?"

She cringed at the thought that entered her mind. She thought about the sex she and Rick had this morning. Was that how it was for him with Lori? If so, it made sense why she so obsessively wanted him back. You always hear of bad sex in a good marriage, but what about the opposite? How do you handle great sex in a bad marriage? That had to play a tortured game with the mind and heart. But still, she would never understand what would make Lori so selfish, so manipulative and mean to do what she did. She knew one thing, she'd never trust her again.

"This world scares me. Not even behind these walls have I ever felt completely safe."

"You shouldn't. Walls can be temporary. But there are plenty of...people here to help keep you safe."

"Just not Rick." She smiled wryly.

"Not in the way you need."

"I didn't want or need just any man. I thought I needed the one that has been there for me for half my life. Rick is the only man I've ever really known. But that's over now. I do know that. You two are together. I respect that."

"Really? In three days? Just like that?" Michonne frowned skeptically. Maybe Lori actually believed that but it wasn't possible to turn on a dime that quick especially when feelings were involved.

"I'll do what I can to make this right. As right as it can be."

"The words are easy to say but a lot harder to honor." And with that Michonne walked away.

Lori was stronger, stronger than she realized. She gave birth during the end of the world and survived. Pretty bad ass to Michonne. Maybe Lori needed to hear all that but she couldn't be the one to give it to her, not now. Not after all Lori had done to her. It was possible there was just too much water under the bridge. She could only turn the other cheek so many times.

* * *

 _ **Outside Richmond, Virginia**_

 _Lori didn't want to go to Washington. Michonne wanted to go. Now they were standing on the side of the road, at a distance from the others who were eating, making their case to Rick._

 _"He lied," Lori said._

 _"But in all the places Eugene could choose, he chose D.C." Michonne said. "Instincts always kick in even when we're not aware."_

 _It was her instincts that told her Woodbury was a farce._ _Her instincts told her she could trust the prison good, that they were good people._ _Her instincts that led her and Lori and Judith to Rick and Carl after the prison fell._

 _"We need to find some place to hunker down and be safe. We have a baby, Rick. We can't travel highways. We don't know what's out there. Who is out there?"_

 _Michonne could see Rick felt the stress of possibly being the deciding voice between the two of them and she hated that he felt that way but she felt strongly that D.C. could be the start of the rest of their lives._ _"We're closer now than we were when we left Georgia."_

 _"We don't have vehicles. Maggie is still mourning."_

 _They all looked over to see her sitting alone, even Glenn, though he was near her, gave her a bit of space._

 _"A mission will give her something to focus on, to live for," Michonne said._

 _Rick was physically in the middle. It's where he always was because they were night and day. Michonne and Lori never agreed on anything. They were cordial but there was that underlying unsaid tension._

 _"Do you mind if i speak to my husband?" Lori was terse._

 _"Lori." Rick pinched the bridge of his nose._

 _"No, it's okay. I don't mind." Michonne raised her hands and watched them walk off._

 _She turned her back to them when she saw Lori glaring at her. Rick and Michonne were friends and that's all they were but she knew it would come down to this. That Lori would be see her as a problem for her family even though it could be argued Michonne was fighting for Lori's family more than anyone._

 _"Hey."_

 _She turned to see Rick_ _saunter over, shoulders a little lower than before. Even though he and Lori seemed to be friendly enough to each other, Rick always seemed deflated after spending prolonged time around her._

 _"Well?"_

 _"We're going to Washington."_

 _She figured that when she looked over at Lori's strained face._ _"That's not going to be a problem?"_

 _"What's she going to do? File for custody and stay here? We leave, she'll leave too. She has no choice."_

 _She smiled in spite of herself. "_ _It would be better if everyone was on board with decisions that affected the group."_

 _"Lori is Lori."_

 _She looked at him. "What does that even mean?"_

 _"She's not going to agree with you because she doesn't like you."_

 _"What did I do?"_

 _"You're strong. You fight instead of laundry and cook."_

 _"Those things are important too."_

 _He smirked at her._

 _"But I'd rather not do too much of it."_

 _He nodded. "The division of labor is about skill. I'd rather have Eugene doing laundry while you have my back. And, more than anything,_ _Carl idolizes you. I think she feels threatened by that more than anything."_

 _"I don't want to take her place."_

 _"Of course not," he said. "No one thinks that but her. I'm going to get something to eat." He gave her a pat on the shoulder as he passed her.  
_

 _Seeing her opportunity, Lori headed her way. She stood before Michonne, looked her in the eyes and_ _through clenched teeth said, "You're going to get someone killed. That blood will be on your hands and it'll never wash away. It won't be my kids. Stay away from them."_

 _"You're safe until you're not."_

 _"What's that supposed to mean?"_

 _"Danger is all around us, whether we move or stay still."_

 _"Stay away from my family, and I mean all of my family. They're mine. Find your own."_

 _Michonne inhaled and held her breath for a moment before slowly exhaling. Lori was a piece of work and she figured that would never change._


	24. Chapter 23: Back to Life,Back to Reality

_As Frank Herbert said, "There is no real ending. It's just the place where you stop the story." We've come to that point._ _What can I say? I wasn't sure what all this story would entail when I started it, so thank you for taking a chance and believing I would show the love between Rick and Michonne. I wondered how many people could take another woman interrupting Richonne's Happily Ever After, especially one such as Lori, who already elicited so many negative feelings before she ever uttered a word in "7 Days." But I_ _never thought this story would be over 100,000 words and I never thought an unknown writer would get almost 600 comments. But that's a testament to this fandom. To all of you who make it so welcoming._ _All your comments and support have meant the world to me. Thank you for encouraging me to stay true to my path and supporting this story even when I caused some pain or came up short in execution. I'm grateful. I can't promise another long form story. I have commitment issues in more ways than one, but I won't completely disappear. I'm sure I will be inspired to write some one shots here and there._

 _Much love! 💖🍎_

* * *

 **Chapter 23: Back to Life, Back to Reality** **  
Rick  
Monday**

"Glad you and Michonne got things back on track," Daryl said.

He stood in the corner with his head down watching Rick behind a curtain of stringy long hair covering his eyes. He was the only one that managed to look like he was still living in barns and cars thanks to a thin film of dirt on his skin. Not too much to be a health hazard or so you could smell him when he entered a room, just enough to remind everyone of his need to be an outsider. Different. Untamed. Meanwhile, his apartment was dark; the blinds were shut and the curtains drawn. It was enough to make the happiest person feel down in the doldrums.

"You're just happy I'm moving out." Rick laughed as he placed the few things he bothered to unpack back in his duffel bag. He mostly lived out of the bag, not wanting to get comfortable, hoping soon he would remember his life and stop feeling like he was in limbo. And now he did remember. At least enough to resume what he knew was a nice, happy life.

"Well, I ain't upset about it." He picked at his finger before he stuck it in his mouth and bit at his fingernail. "Have your romance novel."

He nodded. "Thanks." He made it to the door.

"Hey Rick," Daryl's gruff voice called out after him.

He turned slightly, hand on the doorknob, and looked at his friend.

"I'm happy for you." Daryl's head was down.

Rick laughed. He was happy, too. Living with Michonne definitely trumped bunking with Daryl anytime. When you threw in the added benefits of good cooked food, a clean home, and great sex it a no-brainer.

Rick stood there at the door and stared at his friend until they finally made eye contact. When they did, he gave a smile then left. He knew that was as much touchy-feely as Daryl could handle.

As much as Daryl had grown, there would always be part of him that would hesitate before showing affection or receiving it. He wasn't like Maggie, who knew love all her life. Nor was he like Michonne, who had once known love and trauma made her afraid of intimacy until she dared to let people in. Daryl never knew it. But he was surrounded by love and the rest of them wouldn't allow him to keep running from it.

After only a short time in Daryl's place, the bright sun still took time to get used to. He didn't know the day of the week, but the community felt like a Saturday. At least how Saturdays used to feel. Kids were running around playing. A few adults were out in the yards, pulling weeds and planting flowers. As he carried his duffel bag down the sidewalk, headed to the brownstone, he noticed Glenn sitting on the front porch of a house. Should he pretend he didn't see him? Things weren't perfect with his friends but had they been reduced to this?

"Rick," he called out. "Hi."

He planned to keep walking and toss out a greeting but before he knew it he had stopped. "Glenn."

There was nothing familiar about his greeting. It was perfunctory, not the greeting to give the person who saved his life back at the beginning. Who had his back from that moment on.

Glenn stood and walked to the edge of the porch just before the stairs. "You going somewhere?" He nodded toward the duffel bag.

"Moving back to my home. With Michonne."

"Oh yeah, I heard. Carol mentioned it. I mean, that you and Michonne seemed to be trying." Glenn looked beyond him, then up and down the street. "I'm glad everything is the way it should be. Wish it happened sooner. I feel bad it didn't," he said.

Rick stared at his friend as Glenn began to fidget. They stood there in silence. Rick didn't feel there was really anything for him to say. His friends had done a lot of talking about him. It was time they instead talked to him. He was all ears.

"I feel bad that _I_ didn't do anything to make it happen sooner."

The thing about Glenn was that he was a horrible liar so whatever he said, Rick knew it was sincere or it would be obvious. And he always looked you in the eyes no matter what he was saying, unlike most people. And while most people survived this new world by deceit, Glenn was one of the few who was honest. Probably more honest now than before. He had a code based on honesty and humanity and the worse the world got, the more he was committed to his code. All the more reason his silence confused Rick.

"I do wish you had said something but it wasn't time until it was time."

"What...what do you mean it wasn't time?" He squinted at Rick.

"Even if I had known the truth, I can't imagine I would have lived with Michonne when I didn't have my memory." He placed a foot on the first step. "But we're back together now."

"But there's still the Lori thing."

"Yeah, the Lori thing," he muttered as he looked down at the ground. Like leaving his girlfriend in the lurch to try to repair things with his ex-wife was a minor detail.

"Maggie and I tried to talk to Lori, tell her you needed to know. When we left, we weren't sure she would do the right thing."

They probably threatened to tell him the truth and Lori figured it would look better if she spoke up. He should have known. Lori was often one step short of being on the right side. No matter though. Things were getting back to normal because he could remember things.

He remembered his first kiss with Michonne and the first time he made love to her. He remembered not just words and actions but the feelings they brought out in him. When he thought about Michonne telling him she loved him for the first time he could feel his heart beating harder than it ever had in his life. The sound of her laughter made his shoulders relax.

"Well, it's a good thing she told me. If it were up to everyone else I guess I'd still be waiting."

"I think we were just all waiting for someone else to be that person," Glenn said. "I felt torn between not just right and wrong but friends who all had feelings. And Lori's feelings for you, no matter how futile, are real. Seeing her after you left her, how much that hurt her...it wasn't just some game for her. It was like a desperate second chance, and who doesn't want to make things right when they get that opportunity?"

"I can understand your loyalty for Lori; I guess that's the word. But there was another person with feelings too. Who has earned the same thing. Care to explain how you decided on that?"

Glenn sighed. "When Michonne stepped back, when she told Maggie she wanted to play it that way, I went along with it. It was Michonne's decision. Maybe that's a cop out."

That's exactly how Rick saw it.

"And me? Two other people got to decide my life for me?"

"It was all bullshit. I felt like no matter what we did someone would feel betrayed."

"You can't straddle the fence. Not anymore. Not in this life. There is no happy medium. Either you do or don't. You is or you ain't. You like doing the right thing because it makes you feel good. But the truth is, just because something is the right thing doesn't mean it'll feel good. Like the saying goes, sometimes the truth hurts."

He could tell Glenn felt what he said, took it personal. His intention wasn't to make Glenn feel like shit but Rick was following his own beliefs. He preferred hard truths over false peace every time.

"See you around friend," Rick said before walking away.

He had no intention of having a strained relationship with his family. In time, they would be back to how things used to be. Right now, his concern was Michonne and making sure their relationship was okay.

xXx

The sun began to set as Rick and Michonne relaxed on a picnic blanket. They were in the backyard of a vacant home in the back corner of the community, as secluded as they could hope for in Alexandria without being behind closed doors. His head was in her lap as she fed him from the wooden cheese platter with an impressive spread of sliced apples, cheese, jam, figs, bread, nuts, and grapes. They were polishing off the last of the wine they opened the previous night.

Each day this community was more impressive. He had yet to see or even hear a walker in a week and he hadn't been hungry in that time either. He wasn't rushing to stop a walker herd, scavenging for food, or fending off those who wanted what they had. They simply lived. Right now he was having a picnic in the backyard with his head in the lap of the woman he loved, even if their current topic could have been a more interesting one.

"I can't believe she had the nerve to ask for your help with Carl. I can't believe you didn't tell her where to go."

"Not worth it. I know you think she should pay for what she did. I think part of her wants that too. Maybe it will give her some type of absolution instead of lingering embarrassment. But I have everything I want and everything I need. I have you and she knows it. I didn't need to say it just to make her feel bad. I'm just trying to live my best life."

He couldn't help but grin.

"What?" She smiled down at him. She was leaning back slightly on one hand while the other ran through his hair.

"You told me you loved me. This morning."

"Did I?"

"You did. Though I'm not sure if you were telling me you loved me or what I was doing to you?"

She laughed. "I'm pretty sure even with a diminished memory, you know I like what you do to me."

"Just so you know, I love you too," Rick said. "I know that for sure. I know because of how I feel when I'm with you. Falling in love with you again, that has meant everything. I love what I remember and I'm excited about what's to come, whether through memory or experience."

He could see a gleam in her eyes, a light of happiness. Her growth from when he first met her to now was remarkable. She was a dangerous stranger. One who couldn't be trusted. She was mysterious, angry, and closed off. He never saw her smile until months later. Now, that smiled stayed on her face and it reached to her eyes. She not only smiled, but laughed, and giggled. And held her head down to hide her shyness.

"Here, eat your apple." He held a slice to her mouth, running it over her lips before she took it in her mouth and he was reminded of some amazing things she did that morning with that same mouth.

She moaned and her eyes closed. "So good."

"Never knew someone could love apples the way I love a good steak."

"Probably the best fruit on the planet. I mean, I have a rating system for apples."

"I'm sorry. What?" He laughed.

"All apples are not equal. I mean, nothing is worse than biting into an apple and it's mushy. It's such a disappointment. The best apple is the SweeTango, then there is the Jazz Apple, and the Honeycrisp. I haven't figured out what type of apples these are."

"You're nuts."

"Never said I wasn't," she said with a laugh.

There it was again. That laugh. It was like music to his ears. Back in King County when he woke up in that hospital alone, in pain, confused, he never thought he'd laugh again. That there would be anything in this world worthy of such a thing and then he found his family. Then his boy was shot and they lost the farm, but they found shelter at the prison. And then they lost that too. If he wasn't in this place, with her and his kids, he'd think having the audacity to be happy only brought more pain. So he chose to look at life not as a series of setbacks, but rebounds.

"Everything I need, everything I want is here. Inside these walls with you."

Her smile fell just a little but it was still there, less like amusement and more like awe. "You got serious on me all of a sudden." She rubbed her hand up and down his chest.

"I never want to keep anything I'm feeling or thinking from you. Time is a limited thing. We're here until we're not. And as long as I'm here, I'll never let you doubt what you mean to me."

"I love you," she said softly. "Sitting here on the ground, fully clothed and talking...I love you. Time is a limited thing. You're right. We only have so much and we don't know how much we have. That's what I told Maggie when I told her I don't want to spend time being upset about the choices we all made when you woke up."

"When did you talk to Maggie?"

"When you went to Daryl's and got your stuff. We ran into each other at the pantry." She shook her head and looked up at the sky. "She felt so bad. Tears and everything. I hared seeing her like that."

"Must have been around the same time I talked to Glenn."

They looked at each other.

"I don't want to be upset with anyone," she said. "One moment you and I were happy and the next, even though you were still here, I didn't have you anymore. Just like that," she said as she snapped her fingers. "It can all be gone that fast. I don't want to waste time. Not on worrying about the past. I'm in the same boat as the others so, in a way, I understand why things happened the way they did. How it wasn't easy to make the choices made. So I need you to forgive them, like I know you've forgiven me."

"In time."

"Rick."

"I won't hold any grudges. Tell you what, I promise to allow the natural progression of things."

"That's fair," she said softly.

She grabbed the book with the two bookmarks they had been reading together; they finished another section together during their picnic.

"Right after we finished _Seven_ I went on the trip with Aaron and then you got hurt and lost your memory for almost seven days. We were apart just like the husband and wife were apart. Except for them it was seven years."

"Remember what happened at the end of the story?" He smiled.

She stroked his beard. "They had sex seven times to represent the seven years they were apart."

"I think we need to do the same. Seven times for seven days."

"Technically, more like six. Maybe even five."

Swiftly he was off his back and had her on hers. "Life is short. Don't limit orgasms."

"What? Is that some type of life philosophy?" She smiled, looking up at him.

He prayed he never tired of her smile, her presence, or took her laughter for granted. He wanted his stomach to drop whenever he saw her. Hear what she had to say whenever she had a thought. He wanted to desire her whenever her body was near.

He pinned her arms to the ground and kissed her neck before capturing her mouth in an intense kiss. Since he regained some of his memory he didn't know any other way to kiss her. He would start off gentle but something took over him and he wanted to devour her mouth. When she bit down on his bottom lip he moaned despite the slight pain that momentarily surged through his lip. He kissed across her jawline and down to her neck, underneath her ear. He gently, slowly began grinding against her.

"This isn't the middle of nowhere on a run." Her voice was soft. Sensual. Breathless.

He could tell she was feeling just as aroused as he was by the sound of her voice.

"That means we can't do this now." She made no effort to stop. In fact, she held him tighter.

Her hands slid between them at his waist and she fumbled with his belt. Once she unbuckled it she undid the button of his jeans and lowered the zipper.

"I thought we couldn't do this now," he said, amused at her change of mind.

"We can't do what you want but we can do things."

She wrapped her hand around his semi-erect dick and had a rhythm and method that rendered him helpless and under her complete control. His face disappeared against her neck. It felt so good he couldn't remain still. His hips had a mind of their own as he thrust into her hand. He moaned, his pitch higher than usual. He sucked her neck, hoping a mouth full of her stifled his loud moans of pleasure.

Just when he was about to lose it, she pushed him on his back and got on her knees next to him. Her head lowered and he held his breath as he watched her mouth open and swallow him. His voice had a guttural tone as he thanked her. He closed his eyes and the only thing he could hear and feel was her sucking his dick. It was loud. It was wet. When she moaned, that humming sensation surged through his dick and he quickly lifted his hips off the ground. It caused her to take in more of him than she was prepared and she gagged a little.

The look she gave him when she did turned him on even more and he noticed her ass was close enough to touch. He reached out and smacked her ass one time before running his hand between her thighs and rubbing her, wishing her pants weren't a barrier to what he really wanted to touch — her bare, wet pussy.

She alternated speeds, going from agonizingly slow to frustratingly fast, going clockwise and then counterclockwise as she sucked down to the base of his dick. She made him crazy. He wasn't sure if he wanted it to last forever or he needed to feel the satisfaction of exploding in her mouth the second time that day before the sun went down.

"Fuck," he groaned as he grabbed her head, not that she needed any direction from him. She was doing more than fine.

It wasn't much longer before his release. Once again, she took all he had to offer.

"I'm glad we're behind walls," he said.

"Why?" She asked before taking a gulp of wine and then moving back next to him.

"Because I'd be pretty useless right now if a herd of walkers showed up." He didn't even have the strength to put his lifeless dick back in his pants.

They laughed and held hands, fingers intertwined as they lay next to each other staring up at the darkening sky.

xXx

He enjoyed every moment alone he shared with Michonne, getting to know her again, reminiscing, and being intimate, but he couldn't deny how whole he felt having his kids with him that evening at the brownstone. Judith sat on his lap offering him her toys while Carl and Michonne were sitting on the floor using the coffee table to play a few hands of UNO.

He had a memory, maybe it was a dream or vision, of him entering Judith's room just in time to catch her from falling on her head as she made a great escape from the crib. Since he saved her, he'd like to think it was a memory. He'd have to ask Carl or Michonne about it later. Right now they were engrossed in a fierce hand, and a chocolate bar was on the line. Carl quickly went from one card to nine after a vicious Reverse, Draw Four, Draw Four combination by Michonne.

In that moment, of utter happiness and contentment, he reflected on a life he never dreamed possible. Not when they were at their lowest after the world changed, not even before. Before, he felt an obligation to the woman he loved. Now, it was a different love. A forever love he felt for the first time in his life. It was that kind of love where separation, even for a few hours had him missing her. It was the kind of love that made him want to be vulnerable so he shared instead of trying to protect himself. Where he didn't see his feelings as future weapons to be used against him during an argument, but instead building blocks to make his relationship stronger.

He was amazed at all these feelings he was experiencing and there were still gaps in his memory. And who knew? Maybe he would never get it all back but he remembered what was most important. He remembered his family — Carl, Judith, and Michonne. He looked over and caught Michonne's eye. As she smiled at him he knew for sure life could never be better, he could never feel more alive than with her by his side. It was hard to believe he went through so many emotions; that he lost, found, and made so many memories in the span of seven days. But he came out of it with a love he knew could never be destroyed, for they had been tested more times and in more ways imaginable and they were on top.

 **THE END**


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